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Bambina3

HSV2 for 28 years, F

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Westover Heights Clinic,http://westoverheights.com/ (503) 226-6678 ... It costs $5/minute for a consult … but they are the top clinic in the country for HSV info

 

http://www.medhelp.org/ has an online "Ask the Expert" option too ... Dr Hunter Handsfield is one of their main experts for H questions and he's well known in the field

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Thank you @wcsdancer2010 for info, I also received private messages with some helpful info ;)

 

So I was messaged by affair for meet, I haven't responded yet..I have to admit it completely took me off guard (I'm thinking for encounter not just to talk, it was a message not out of the ordinary)

 

I have to admit all these years I've only known 2 people diagnosed with hsv2, thst actually know they have it of course, I have seen very little testing for it, so for me to come here and read I'm not alone is nice.

 

 

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So I was messaged by affair for meet, I haven't responded yet..I have to admit it completely took me off guard (I'm thinking for encounter not just to talk, it was a message not out of the ordinary)

 

This is the guy who you realized really doesn't care about you after you disclosed, right? So how do you feel about that?

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@wcsdancer2010 Not so sure he didn't care...or he refrained from contact to absorb....I tried to analyze it and gave up....I still haven't responded to that, not sure how I'm feeling now.

 

I can tell you, tonite I was getting ready to go out with the girls, I am definitely traumatized by the emotional stigma surrounding this disease....

As I put on my lipstick, I was looking in the mirror at myself and felt dangerous...seriously dangerous...here I am infected with a lifelong chronic no cure std...and I don't fit what others have unfortunately stereo typed us as carriers....I'm a professional, beautiful, and respectful to others....(although direct and stern at times lol)...but no one around me would suspect I was a carrier and would sleep with me without question...that's scary.

 

Just sharing a thought

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I can tell you, tonite I was getting ready to go out with the girls, I am definitely traumatized by the emotional stigma surrounding this disease....

As I put on my lipstick, I was looking in the mirror at myself and felt dangerous...seriously dangerous...here I am infected with a lifelong chronic no cure std...and I don't fit what others have unfortunately stereo typed us as carriers....I'm a professional, beautiful, and respectful to others....(although direct and stern at times lol)...but no one around me would suspect I was a carrier and would sleep with me without question...that's scary.

 

Just sharing a thought

 

So - you DO realize that 1 in 5 of your "professional, beautiful, respectful" friends will also have Herpes?

 

The stereo-type is there because we don't discuss sex openly and because of our Puritanical Forefathers who founded this country on a basis that sex is for procreation, that sex for ENJOYMENT is wrong, and that things like STD's (and many other negative life experiences) are "punishment" for enjoying sex. Then the Big Pharma came along and created campaigns that fed into those beliefs. And it all got wrapped up in a nice wrapper of silence.

 

Watch the video below... you are starting to buy into "shame". STOP IT! Sure, perhaps you could look at some of your actions and ask yourself if you might have done/could do better. It is never a bad thing to look at how you are living your life and see where you can improve it. But shame never helps the situation.

 

here I am infected with a lifelong chronic no cure std

 

Hows about looking at it from a different perspective? You have a virus that lives in your nerves, that causes (some people, not all) to have a few ulcers/lesions here or there that are a real nuisance (and yes, *some* have bad initial OB's, but we generally get through that... just like we get through the Flu). And that 80% of the population has the *potential* to pass this on (because Oral H is really an STD waiting to happen). By seeing that you can see that you are FAR from alone .... the difference is that, unlike 80% of the carriers (of H1 or 2), you happen to KNOW your situation and thus you can be proactive in doing things to try to keep from passing it on. Whoever gave it to you likely was in the 80%. Be THANKFUL that you have the opportunity to try to protect your loved ones from it... :)

 

Life is often about how you look at things. CHOOSE to find the positive side of being Positive ...

 

Shame

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@Bambina3 I think you need to do some serious renovation of your mind. This is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not DANGEROUS. You get an occasional rash in an interesting place. I too have all the traits you speak of and get hit on on a daily basis. I am not dangerous because I care enough about people to inform them prior to sex (if/when I decide to have sex). You are dangerous when you intentionally try to hurt others.

 

You simply have a skin condition. Don't feed into the stigma. You are still hot, professional, kind etc. Don't let some rash make all of your positive traits seem like the perfect trap for some poor victim. Own who you are. Love the red lipstick. Blow yourself a kiss in the mirror, maybe even throw in a wink. Go out and have a blast with your friends. Beat the stigma because it is ridiculous. You are hiding nothing by still being amazing! :)

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@WCSDancer2010 and @Anna01 thank you for the video(great video) and words of inspiration and support.

 

sooooooo....one of the things that was said above that struck was......

"Sure, perhaps you could look at some of your actions and ask yourself if you might have done/could do better. It is never a bad thing to look at how you are living your life and see where you can improve it. But shame never helps the situation. "

 

Yes...i am definitely in shame mode...and yes...i am looking at how i am living my life...when i orignally started this thread i stated i had (2) affairs..well...they are the affairs that i count...They are the men that i actually loved, i have actually had several affairs thru this marriage...I was never a cheater...it actually goes against every moral standard i have...i did not cheat in my last marriage...but it ended very badly..several pfa's later....and i was a woman scorned...i never recovered...i was with my ex during my HPV diagnosis and i never cheated...after our split...he went around telling everyone he could i had an STD..

When it was mentioned to me, i shrugged it off and wouldnt confirm nor deny. I told my current husb. about my diag without using the "h" word...I did it as lightly as i could without using that word...

Anyway...all of my affairs were married men....all were married for many years....Some i connected with thru fb....i would see their wives post about their soulmate husband...how they love him...pictures of them together.....how good he is to me, about their wedding anniversary trips...meanwhile...the night before he was with me, or the night before he was professing his love to me....sick!

I didnt care about their feelings, they didnt know...i was selfish and self destructive.

Now....who knows how many of them i have unintentionally infected.....and now all of a sudden i do care about their feelings and hope they are ok.

I led 2 different lives...i have grown children that respect me...

I have failed in many ways. Searching for love i suppose..who knows...i know nothing anymore.

Im not in a good spot...i have my clinic apt coming up...i have a session with my friend coming up...i have alot to absorb and deal with.

Not sure why i just spilled..i feel like i have a blog here.

 

Thanks again!

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@bambina3 I actually think you had a pretty incredible breakthrough! Bravo, I applaud you on that! Although I am younger than you, I have PMDD and my stage 4 endometriosis and only having one ovary now at this point and at this age, I've felt a huge shift in my emotions and what I'd call a a change in "emotional stability" during a week before my cycle. . You're going through a change of life, cut yourself some slack. I'm a complete fucking nightmare the week before my period and it gets worse the older I get.. I literally have one day a month where I feel like i lost touch w reality a week before my period and I have a a panic attack, so I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm going to warn you now, that your tests most likely will come up normal, when shit actually is off balance. I have watched this w my mom and neighbor. They turned into completely different people. When they got on Prozac, they literally went back to the people they were before.

 

You haven't mentioned anything about your upbringing and I very well could be making assumptions here, but I'm willing to go out on a limb and say, you may have grown up w a harder than average life maybe? I have found most A type female's, myself for example, have tended to come from backgrounds that forced us to create a shell and often disassociate. Please by all means correct me if I'm wrong... What's most important here is I think for the first time, you are truly being honest w yourself and seeing clarity, that past pain and betrayal didn't allow you to see before. As hard as things may be now, you may recognize one day how much H saved you from living this way any further.

 

We can't change the past, but we can do better for ourselves and how we treat other's in the present day and commit to waking the next day w the same conviction. For me even being on this site is teaching me the things I needed to learn to be a better person and what I wanted to change about me, pre H even. Maybe this site has brought us all together to learn something together at the same time, even if it was a rough start.. Sometimes we need to have our asses handed to us and Believe me, Dancer has handed me my ass a few times. I've gotten pissed off once about it, but after I stepped back and thought on it, I came back and said "damn you're right. Here are the conclusions I've come to and why I think I have". These were big eye openers for me and in all honesty, I don't feel I'd even gotten that type of lesson learned or revelation in therapy, that I was able to learn from here.

 

We're here for you no matter what. :-). I think you've been avoiding things for a long time, always expecting you weren't good enough, so you lived by how you felt about yourself, but not by actually who you are at the core and I think you're finding who you really are at the core. You are chipping away at this hard shell you've built around yourself, that allowed you to not only disassociate from other's, but from yourself . you are now finding the real person... The one who truly is this vulnerable person who really just wants love and acceptance. It's scary at first, but this vulnerable person in you doesn't mean she's a scared person shaking in a corner (which is how people like us view vulnerability... As being weak) but that she's vulnerable w knowing people can hurt her but trust herself enough to handle and deal w that pain. That's what it's about at the end of the day. Sorry if I'm totally off, but I'm usually pretty spot on w other A type females, because I am one. Hugs! Tons of them!

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@2Legit2Quit well, everything you have said above is spot on...

My upbringing was harder than norm, back as a child they viewed physical punishment as the ok way,(in our neighborhood) when I was 16, it wasn't ok anymore...I was removed from my home....graduated high school, put myself thru college, raised my children as a single parent from the time my youngest was 5 until my youngest was 16, the whole time holding down a full time job. I never lived with a man until marriage. There is nothing that EVER came easy to me. Nothing was ever handed to me, everything I own I worked for. I did become close with my parents in the later years. My children all grew up well, college educated professionals. I had them young. We are very close, and the only true unconditional love I know, is for them.

So yes, like you, I am an A typical female...life's circumstances has molded me...

I have patience, at times little tolerance.....some people only see the sweet side of me, because they've done nothing to provoke me, at times I can snap as well and be very direct...my best friend told me I am never indirect, just direct and a water downed direct ;)

As far as men, well, now you see my history, not sure I ever recovered...not sure I ever will...

 

Btw...I also had surgery and lost an ovary, to a huge cyst.

 

I have my apt later, sigh....I will ask her to look, I think I have symptoms of an ob but not sure, I am also experiencing hormonal changes so I can't tell....I am in my 40s.

 

Hugs to you too !!!!

 

 

 

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Yup, it all sounds a lot like my life, except I never have kids and it was funny to her about only ever living w aan when you were married, because for the short time I was married, that has been the only time I have lived w a man and that was 12yrs ago. I too grew up in a very abusive home physically and mentally, difference being my family is still extremely toxic and the last time my mother laid a hand on me was at 29. She punched me w the back of her firsts twice. So none of them are in my life, nor ever will be again. I want nothing to do w them at all. It can be hard, but I have to remind myself, the way they treat me, is unacceptable a d it's better to be all alone, then have that cancer in my life.

 

I could relate to everything you were saying, except for the kid part. I too am very direct and can come off harsh, even when not intending too. So yeah, I usually can spot an A type and which ones had it hard growing up and most thwir life.. They come off the hardest for a reason, but most arejelly beans, hard on the putside, but soft on the inside.

 

Keep in mind your obs might be more frequent too, because you're so stressed out. I know it's hard, but try to relax. Have you thought of trying Prozac? It was a life changer for two people I know going through change of life.

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@Bambina3

 

It's late, I have to go to bed, but I just want to acknowledge you for opening up about your affairs.... knowing that not everyone will understand .... some might even pass judgement on here (though I will put a stop to it as soon as I see it!)...

 

It seems you are ready to look at WHY you have these affairs ...why you are drawn to these married men ... I personally would say that ALL the affairs are affairs, whatever you felt for the men ... but we humans have ways to fool OURSELVES about things (it's called "Confabulation" ... A lie told honestly ... as in, you BELIEVE what you are saying is true...) in order to justify our actions. It sounds like you have got the outer skin of the onion peeled back and you are just starting to see the layers of the onion.... and there are many ... so keep peeling ... and know that you won't always like what you see, AND that's ok..... as they say:

 

The Truth will set you free, but first it may well piss you off :)

 

(((HUGS)))

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@2Legit2Quit yes i have asked for a prescription for Ativan, and received it, thanks, im taking it at bedtime because i am finding it hard to sleep with my mind racing.

 

@WCSDancer2010 some can pass judgement on me and thats ok, when im wrong ill openly accept it without looking to be combative...however....i will only take it for so long before i think i dont deserve it anymore and then bam..out comes my combative side. However, bottom line people should judge, condem, or critize...we all have skeletons in our closet. Thank you for offering to stop it if it starts.

 

Soooooo several things happened this weekend

 

I had my appointment for the clinic...VERY suprised at what happened....

1. She would not give me blood work test...She ended up "counseling" me right out of it...(did a good job too)....saying..."why, its been approx 8 weeks since your breakout...you already know your postive...that test will confirm you are positive, and the numbers will have no bearing on whether or not youve had it a long time...positive is postive...thats it! She reviwed my old records (next opinion please)....FIrst reaction "this tells me nothing" and she said i was not formely diagnosed with Herpes back then, and she couldnt remember if there was a herpes test back then.....But said if someone presented with the clinical symptons i did, that yes....she would most definitely say that was my primary HSV2 breakout. She also thinks i have had it all these years. She took over the managment of my disease...and gave me a script for 6 refills of Valtrex. She also examined me and saw no sign of an OB.

She has worked for this facility for 35 years, dealing with female prevention testing (including pregnancy) and STDs only.. She said she is aware of the stats for HSV2 however....they rarely see it....( i knew that based on my facility too)....she said they do not test for it unless they see someone in a breakout or they aggressively insist for the test...She said if someone gets the test, and its positive, then what? It is more of an emotional torment....She said shes never been tested but shes sure she would test postive for at least HSV1....The medical community does not promote testing for HSV1 or 2.....that is very clear to me now. Its a shame too. Not sure how they can have accurate statistcs without testing, but who am i...

 

Then....this weekend i went out with a co worker....we went to a club and were drinking...another coworker (i am very flirty which i am trying to tame down)....

and i were getting very cozy (he has a significant other)....we ended up out back having a make out session...He wanted my cell....wanted to carry it further...I didnt want to be rude so took his number instead....but left...never did anything...ripped up the number...NOT going there! I have enough issues...i dont need to add to my "mess".

 

So that was my weekend...I hope everyone had a good one! Hugs!!

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@Bambina3 Good for you for opening up about your affairs. It helps to face our actions and not run from them. I feel it helps us actually realize the things we need to change.

 

Your Doctor is right, the emotional torment is the true disease here. If only everyone was asymptomatic.....then it would be no biggie to get tested and disclose. Unfortunately some people have really bad reactions, so minimizing the spread is important. If everyone would just get tested for it and we could see how common it is, the stigma would die down and it wouldn't be so horrible to find out you have it. I do feel that the stigma is slowly but surely dying down.

 

About your weekend, very good of you to walk away. I know a roll in the sack can be momentarily comforting when we are in pain. So good to stop it before it went too far. If you want any advice, I would say it will be helpful to try to avoid putting yourself in this position all together. If you are attracted to a guy at the office, avoid going out drinking alone. That way you don't have to struggle with making good decisions while under the influence. I know how hard that is. You are with a cutie and the alcohol kicks in, next thing you know you guys are making out. Kudos for walking away AND ripping up the number ;-) You are making progress. Keep it up!

 

(BIG HUGS)

 

-Anna

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Baby steps.... One day at a time.... Yeah, I wish I had few symptoms... After my first yr, I've had some sort of OB, just about every day.. Not sure what it is causing it. Stress for work maybe, lots of hrs working? Dunno. I do agree that if everyone got tested and all these people were being diagnosed, the stigma truly would go away. Yes it will be emotionally upsetting for those who have it, but they'll get over it eventually and shortly after the stigma gone. I think that the medical community is making the stigma worse, by not testing and I have to question who even determined to make that a basic protocol to follow w no testing? I bet big pharma ran some psychology study to determine this and pushed it down to the medical community. I think they want this to be an epidemic. I want to be able to sit on hard surfaces again. I want to go a week w no OB. I want to not fear hiking long distances on trips again.. It's very frustrating for me.

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She said if someone gets the test, and its positive, then what? It is more of an emotional torment....

 

Next time you see her, print this out and give it to her - even better, if you could print this out and get it to her somehow, it *might* help her to see it from another POV. Tell her that I have LIVED with this for 35 yrs and while she may have experience with people in her office and what she has been told to believe by the CDC, I am in the actual trenches so I *may* just have some pretty damned valid points to consider.

 

Why test for HSV1 and 2?

 

Some say that the emotional "torment" of a positive diagnosis is worse than not knowing. As someone who counsels dozens of people EVERY DAY who are recently diagnosed, I have a pretty damned strong opinion about this.

 

1) The VAST majority of new cases are caught from someone who DIDN'T KNOW they had Herpes. So to know is a step towards prevention.

 

Of the 80% of those who currently are ignorant of their status, many will actually be having symptoms that are being mis-diagnosed as Yeast or BV infections, razor rash, a muscle pull, chapped lips (OHSV1), or whatever. THOSE people will be able to start to pay attention to those symptoms and avoid sex when they are present. If they are with an immune compromised partner they can take the anti-virals to protect them. The rest will at least (hopefully) become more cognizant of the need to wear condoms and to have the STD conversation before sex. Too many people have started to slip in this regard now that HIV is not the immediate death sentence it was 20 years ago.

 

2) If you think it sucks to learn you are a HSV carrier, I promise it REALLY sucks when you find out after giving it to someone else. Now you have self loathing (thanks to the stigma which is a result of the SILENCE and NON-TESTING policies of the CDC and medical community) AND GUILT! You want to talk about head fuck...many NEVER get over the guilt, and often they withdraw from society because they are too scared they will pass it on again. The self-loathing and self-flagellation is usually compounded exponentially in these cases. Months and months of DAILY coaching on our forum may still never help these people to come to learn to love themselves again or trust enough to allow themselves to get into a relationship.

 

3) Why should we know if we have HSV1 or HSV2? Because if we ALL knew our status, when we had the disclosure/STD conversation we would know if we had to use protection or not. If we KNEW we both had HSV1, we would know we both have the antibodies and don't have to worry as much about protection. If one has HSV1 and one has HSV2, we know that we at least need to be cautious about certain activities.

 

4) When someone gets Herpes in a situation where they were disclosed to, it doesn't *usually* have the same negative impact as those who get it from someone who didn't disclose... especially if they find out the person actually knew they had it. When that happens the feeling of lost of trust can REALLY impact the new carrier to a point that they NEVER trust again.

 

Even when it happens that the carrier honestly didn't know, the anger at the medical community can run very deep...and the person often develops anxiety disorders because of the loss of feeling of control ... after all, we TRUST the medical community to PROTECT us and the lack of education and testing has resulted in that person catching Herpes... so how are they ever to trust their Dr's again?

 

5) If EVERYONE was tested, and given GOOD, SOLID facts and information and referred to forums like Herpeslife or to Herpes clinics like Westover Heights, the stigma would VANISH. As Brene Brown says in her Ted Talk on Shame, "If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. " The ONLY reason that the stigma is so bad is the lack of education and good, well informed discussions.

 

6)Non-testing actually FEEDS into that stigma because people are not TOLD that they are not being tested. They are ENTRUSTING their, and their future partners, sexual health to the Dr who is writing the script for their STD test. We are not being informed and given CHOICE about being tested. So many tell a new partner "I was tested and I'm STD negative". Imagine the shock and horror to BOTH people when the new partner comes up with a primary outbreak? Often followed by a LOT of loss of trust on BOTH sides as each thinks the other *must* have been cheating. Which in turn "proves" to those who do not reach out to groups like ours for education that people with STD's are whores, sluts, and cheaters.

 

This subject is something that REALLY needs to have some open dialog between those of us in the trenches and those who create the testing policies. Sure, for most of us, HSV is either a silent hitchhiker or a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place. Sadly, for some, it's not that simple. We have members who have ongoing DAILY symptoms for YEARS ... for the rest, the stigma usually is what cripples them. It's time that we work towards better policies that will both educate and inform so that the stigma as no place to grow AND so that we can at least slow down the unnecessary spread to innocent people.

 

If you wish to reach me you can find my contact info on www.supporttruthanddialog.com.

 

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@Anna01 thank you for the positive reinforcements...I'm not always strong enough to walk away

But I think h is helping me with that...

 

@2Legit2Quit it is a stigma for sure, and I'm sorry about how it has effected your health...I am learning it effects people in different ways, which is why testing and disclosure is so important...I've said everything I need to (disclosure)but point blank say "it's herpes!!"...I'm sure my husband and affair got it...I insisted they get tested for h, not sure they will

 

@WCSDancer2010 sure as shit I'm printing that out and bringing it to her!!!. Thank you!! Ever since my formal diagnosis in August, I have asked (3) different doctors (obgyn, pcp and this clinic Doctor) all refuse me the test! It might not of been important to them, but it was to ME!!! I wanted to confirm right away if I had antibodies built up in case of the small chance it was a new infection...I'm beyond pissed it was blown off to a 30 year infection (rounding off years now)...PISSED!! I even said amuse me and order it anyway...the response was consistent (and Drs are not in same town, one is in a city)....you are positive, positive is positive, those numbers will only tell you the same...positive!! Dam it that's not why I wanted it, for my own mind I wanted it at the time of my outbreak...Now it's too late...

They don't care, they treat herpes like its no big deal, and don't have to face the STIGMA we do, the heartbreak, the emotional roller coaster! Why freaking disclose if they don't want to test? ( I already know the answer) but the whole situation is very disturbing....again, I wanted that test for MY mind, none of them ordered it.

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@bambina3 many doctors don't even realize that the nerve pain people get is from herpes. They will brush it off and say herpes doesn't do that, herpes zoster does that. Well being that both HSV 1 & 2 are not just 3 out if the 8 human herpes viruses, those 3 are all in a specific group called an alpha herpes group, due to similarities in DNA and they infect the nerves. So if herpes zoster causes it, I can't understand why they don't believe that HSV can as well. Both my GP and rheumatologist said that and blew me off. My GYNO said she's seeing it, but she's not seen it to the extent that I have. Even those that just get what feels like muscle soreness, I think many think it's cause if a punched nerve and never bring it to their gynos attention and may tell a GP and that they think maybe H is causing it and I have seen too many times on the forums, of GPs blowing that off and saying it's not H. It angers me the lack of education doctors have. I even have a friend who is a GP and we debated on H and he didn't believe me in the stuff I told him, even when I had proof and provided resources. He seemed to get defensive, like I can't possibly know more than him, since I'm not a doctor. It's really disturbing...

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It is mind blogging, all of it...I just stated in another post I was with a man that used his hand vigorously inside me, and rubbed his arm on me, About a week later that hand and and arm was all broke out...quite a while before it all disappeared...now that I know my status I half wonder if I transmitted him the virus, sigh... (yep, married)....

 

I'm appaulled at the way the medical community handles us and our virus, just saying

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Sooooo not that all my opinions weren't enough...I got another one today....above I said I spoke to my pcps nurse...today was my actual physician....she said she is 100 percent confident in her opinion that my initial outbreak was the chart I showed her(rounding up 30 years ago)...then she began to council me...she said not many things appear like that in the vaginal/anal area (ulcers)...she asked why do I keep wondering, suspecting maybe I got it elsewhere during my marriage due to infidelity on my part or my husbands...I said yes...(she didn't ask which one of us).....she just told me to relax....she is confident I've had it all these years...that it was dormant, and could very well go back to dormant, but if I have more than 2 outbreaks in a year I could consider suppressive therapy. She told me it is common, even though we might not see it a lot because of how long some people can be in that dormant state....she also said I might of had subtle breakouts I was unaware of....I had plus one in my urinalysis for about a year, but everything else on my ua was fine....she also states that very well could of been from herpes (inflamation etc)..

Now I'm in bed with an infection and on antibiotic....I need to relax and boost my immune system back up to where it was.

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@2Legit2Quit....thank you...I am feeling better, sounding horse but feeling better.

 

So today I promised a friend I'd go with her to the clinic for std testing...without disclosing my status...I strongly suggested she ask for the herpes blood test...she has known this man for 20 years, he's been in and out of prison...he told her they test for stds in prison and he's clean...they've been friends for so long she trusted him...went unprotected...she's been having female problems that prompted her to seek std testing...she came out, they did everything but herpes, and she didn't ask for it...most of the testing was sent out but what they could put under microscope there in office...she was positive for trich....she's devastated...pushing the herpes testing at that point was fruitless..

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Yes...what a guy is right!! So my friend texted me a lot today , I held strong and didn't let her know about my status...or my tears behind the phone...I was being strong for her but (she is in a current relationship with someone else and is contemplating when to disclose to him.)..she said "

I know, but I don't want to hurt anyone cause I'm being stupid and selfish! I really hate myself right now! "

That statement certainly made me reflect...I still cant say the words genital herpes...I've disclosed by beating around the bush without saying it...I'm affected by the stigma, and I'm as silent about it as I can be (my own diagnosis)...I hope I snap out of it.

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I think you have more power over yourself, than you give yourself credit for. I think evading has been a coping mechanism for you Kong enough, break that cycle, so you can truly learn to be free, or never live a day w true peace. It's up to you hun, the balls in your court. You can throw it in the basket or keep dribbling around the court and never attempt at a shit, because you're too scared. Hugs.

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she is confident I've had it all these years...that it was dormant, and could very well go back to dormant,

 

If you ever hear I'm in jail it will be for going postal on a frigging Dr/nurse like this..

 

Herpes doesn't go "dormant" (ie: temporarily inactive) ... that assumes you can't pass it on during that time. Herpes goes LATENT ... (ie, hidden or concealed) ... meaning that it can and DOES shed asymptomatically from time to time. Subtle difference in words but BIG difference in the reality of the virus. Words can be very powerful and people in their position need to be careful of what they say and the words that they use.... SMH ...

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