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I have questions and I need advice!


saj7

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Hi Everyone! I’m a brand new member here and first, I would like to say, I’m so grateful that I came upon this site. I found it the other day and have been browsing on here ever since. I think it’s wonderful to see such a supportive community that welcomes people with H with open arms. It’s definitely something that I need as well.

I want to share my story and hopefully get some advice and clear answers from people here.

 

I apologize in advance. My story is kind of long!

 

I’m 24, female, and I found out about 2 months ago (July 2015) that I have HSV1 Genital herpes. It was a complete shock to me…I have been dating the same man for almost 4 years now. However, the first couple of years we weren’t consistently together. We were very on and off. We would break up one month and then get back together the next.

The past year we vowed to take our relationship more seriously and be committed to each other. Everything was going great until I felt my boyfriend was neglecting me. He would go out to clubs almost 3 times a week. I would talk to him about it and express how I felt uncomfortable with him going out, but he would tell me I had nothing to worry about. While he was out these nights, I would be at home crying myself to sleep. One Friday night, he told me he was going out drinking so I decided to have my own girls’ night with my friends and go out as well. That night, I got so drunk and ended up calling a guy I used to date to pick up all my friends from the club. He picked us up, and one thing led to another… I ended up sleeping with him and he also performed oral sex on me. The next couple days after, I was so upset about what I did. I felt so guilty. Although I was drunk I felt it was out of impulse to call him and not my boyfriend that night because partly I wasn’t happy with how my boyfriend was treating me at the time, and the other part was because I had no idea what my boyfriend had been doing when he would go out so I wanted to maybe get revenge? Yeah I know it sounds crazy… This occurred in December. (About 7 months before my first ever outbreak)

 

So I came to terms that I cheated, but I told myself I would never do it again because I truly love my boyfriend. I never talked to that guy after that.

 

In end of June, my boyfriend took a trip with his friends to Europe for two weeks. When he came back, we had sex with no protection (which we have ALWAYS done) and immediately after we had sex, I had itchiness around my vagina. I thought it could’ve been a yeast infection so I bought some vagisil the next day. The vagisil only made the itchiness worse where bumps and sores showed up. I thought I had an allergic reaction. I called planned parenthood and set up an appointment and that’s how I found out I have HSV1.

 

I didn't think it would’ve been possible for me to get it from the one night stand since it was so long ago. I already had trust issues with my boyfriend because of him going out so much and also other reasons (I’ve went through his phone and saw some questionable pics on his laptop) I told my boyfriend he needed to be honest with me. He confessed that he had sex with someone recently. He took a blood test and found out that he has a very small sample of herpes in his system.possibly from when he was a toddler (This is what he told me the nurse told him) and he thinks he didn’t give it to me.

 

I’m finally coming to terms that I have H and I know my life isn’t over with it, but it’s still affecting me a lot. My boyfriend decided to stay with me knowing that I have it and we had sex, but he’s been extremely cautious about having sex with me…which is fine…I understand the hesitation but he takes it to another level where when we have sex he not only wears a condom but also his boxers. I haven’t had an outbreak ever since my first one. I might be being overly sensitive but it hurts me that he is being so cautious wearing boxers when there could be a possibility he gave it to me.

 

This past week, we had sex where he was again, wearing boxers and a condom and I blew up at him and started crying. He told me several times that he wants to be with me still… he says it’s going to take time for him to adjust to all of this like it has for me but I still have doubts. I asked him will he ever be comfortable with me where he would take off the condom when we want children?? He said he was unsure. When he said that, I stormed out of the house and left, and the next day we agreed that maybe we shouldn't be together…since so much has happened. He says he has unconditional love and that he wishes we could start over…but I don’t know.

 

Now we’ve been broken up for a week and I’m completely heartbroken.

It still bothers me because I am unsure how I got H, whether I got it from my boyfriend or from the fling. So my questions are…

1. Since I have HSV1 Genital does that mean I got it from someone performing oral sex or is there a high possibility it is from vaginal sex? ….One doctor told me it was from oral, another doctor said it could be from either or…but I’m just trying to pinpoint how I got it. I’ve also done the blood test that has told me I’ve had H longer than 3 months.

 

2. My boyfriend’s answer to his test results are really unclear to me….I don't know how a doctor would know that he has had herpes since he’s a toddler..I don’t think there are any tests to really show that??..Does this mean he has herpes or not? I’m very unsure…If he has herpes and its such a “small” sample is it transmittable? My boyfriend has performed oral sex on me before many times so…I’m just very confused whether or not I got it from him.

 

3. How can you tell when you're about to have an outbreak? Will it feel the same way my first one did, with itchiness? Is it easy to go to your doctor and ask for antiviral medications?

 

4. Lastly, do you think I should try to make things work with my boyfriend? I feel like he truly loves me. We both cheated and have trust issues, but I’m willing to move past it if he is. Is it worth making it work or does it seem like a mess?

 

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Now we’ve been broken up for a week and I’m completely heartbroken.

It still bothers me because I am unsure how I got H, whether I got it from my boyfriend or from the fling. So my questions are…

1. Since I have HSV1 Genital does that mean I got it from someone performing oral sex or is there a high possibility it is from vaginal sex? ….One doctor told me it was from oral, another doctor said it could be from either or…but I’m just trying to pinpoint how I got it. I’ve also done the blood test that has told me I’ve had H longer than 3 months.

 

 

Odds are VERY high you got it from oral sex. Some of the researchers believe that you can't get it from genital sex but we have had a couple folks on here know know their partner had it genitally and got it from them ... odds are they had sex when the person was on the verge on an OB ... either way, GHSV1 sheds about 1/3 as much as GHSV2 ...

 

2. My boyfriend’s answer to his test results are really unclear to me….I don't know how a doctor would know that he has had herpes since he’s a toddler..I don’t think there are any tests to really show that??..Does this mean he has herpes or not? I’m very unsure…If he has herpes and its such a “small” sample is it transmittable? My boyfriend has performed oral sex on me before many times so…I’m just very confused whether or not I got it from him.

 

3. How can you tell when you're about to have an outbreak? Will it feel the same way my first one did, with itchiness? Is it easy to go to your doctor and ask for antiviral medications?

 

Everyone's prodromes are different... I don't know until I feel it ... others have itching, tingling, swollen glands, etc. With HSV1, it should settle down within 6 months to a year and you may not have a lot of OB's. I would suggest you get the anti-virals for episodic use for now as long as you can deal with the OB's when they come. Odds are future partners will already be carrying the HSV1 virus and will thus have *some* immunity to getting it genitally. When the subject comes up, you can make the choice to take the anti-virals for suppression as a joint choice between you.

 

4. Lastly, do you think I should try to make things work with my boyfriend? I feel like he truly loves me. We both cheated and have trust issues, but I’m willing to move past it if he is. Is it worth making it work or does it seem like a mess?

 

So I'll be straight here: you BOTH cheated. You are BOTH unhappy in the relationship.... so right now, I'd say you need to stay apart and do your work on YOU (and he needs to be willing to get counseling and work on himself too) *if* you are going to make this work. Obviously there's anger and irresponsible behavior on both sides and you need to get to a place where you know that there is NO WAY you will do it again.... just because he loves you doesn't mean he's capable of behaving in a way that is healthy for you....... AND ... you need to have enough self-pride and love to say you will not tolerate being treated as you have been ... and right now I'm not convinced that you are in a place to stick with that.... AND ... he needs to PROVE to you that he's willing to behave in a way that makes you feel loved and not neglected before you even *think* of getting back together......

 

BTW, his Dr should give him his test result numbers ... but she's *partially* right that he could have had H1 orally from childhood (60% of all young people have it by the time they are adults) but basically any result over 1.1 just means he's had it more than 4 months.

 

*IF* you get together in the future he needs to be properly educated... I suggest you send him here, tell him we have a section just for folks whose partners have it to answer their questions, and get him to get VERY clear about the facts so he can get beyond his fears about contracting it from you....

 

(((HUGS)))

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