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Dating with herpes


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Hi.. I am a single woman with HSV 1&2. I am no where near ready to date again because that would mean having to disclose. But I've been doing a lot of thinking.

 

How soon do you tell someone you are seeing?

Like will I have to settle for someone just because they have "accepted" the fact that I have H?

If I did date someone H- would I be in constant fear of infecting them?

I'm I confined to dating people on these specific dating sites, (honestly they scare me a little, dating sites in general)?

 

Random things I think about...

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Hey Kbutterfly!

 

These are such great questions! And you're not alone in pondering them. (They come up a lot all over these forums and with clients I coach.)

 

How soon do you tell someone you're seeing? Somewhere between the first date and when you both decide to get jiggy with it. :) It's going to depend on quite a few things: Do you trust this person with personal information? Do you want to take the relationship deeper? And how are you with talking about herpes? Here's one of the very first videos I made waaay back in the day (when I still had earrings!) about having the herpes talk:

 

 

And have you downloaded the herpes talk e-book I wrote yet? It's the first step in understanding how herpes really can be that Opportunity everyone keeps wondering about. ;)

Here it is (along with a few awesome handouts to support you in having an informative talk): https://herpeslife.com/free-ebook

 

Settling for someone who will "accept" you is BS (but again, it's something that a lot of people with herpes unfortunately feel — so you're not alone in that). It breaks my heart when I hear people say they're going to have to settle now. You don't settle for anyone you aren't passionately excited about, okay? :) You may even be surprised. Herpes tends to cut out a lot of the riff raff and actually the kind of open-minded and heartfelt person who is interested in more than just getting laid will see past a lil skin condition and into WHO YOU ARE. That's the kind of relationship you want, right? Anyone who's gonna judge you for having herpes is going to judge you for everything else, too. Better for them to show their true colors now before you get deeper into relationship with them and find out too late. So what initially might feel like a smaller dating pool actually is just cutting out all the people you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyway.

 

Constant fear of infecting your partner is up to you. ;) At first, I was super paranoid, but then I realized the fear of infection was just a misaligned way of me loving them and wanting them to be safe. Once that's shared in a non-shamey way with your partner, it's certainly a huuuge doorway to deeper intimacy. It's natural to want to be as safe as possible, but being paranoid about it doesn't help anyone.

 

You aren't confined to only dating people with herpes! No! *Gentle, playful slap of your hand* :) The population of folks who KNOW they have herpes and would actually join a herpes dating site is about 2-3% of the general population. Don't segregate yourself like that. Please. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your future partner who you've already pre-rejected yourself from. (Think about it; you haven't even given them a chance to accept or reject you!) Here's an article I wrote on that:

http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

 

And check out all the Lifestyle Guides for answers to all those questions, powerful insights, reframes and more. Based on the questions you ask, all 4 of them would be of great benefit to you! They cover mindset, dating with herpes, having the talk and finally sex and intimacy. They're the guides I wish I had when I first got herpes. And that's why I made them ... so you won't have to go through what I went through.

http://herpesopportunity.com/guides.php

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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@Kbutterfly

 

Just a few more perspectives on dating:

 

There's no "right" time to tell someone, though I'd say that they don't need to know until you know that odds are you will be having sex soon.... and they have EARNED the right to know something so personal.

 

I for one actually put my status on all my dating profiles (OKC and POF) and I get PLENTY of inquires from guys who actually honor the fact that I am honest and up front about it.

 

and never, EVER settle. Period. For any reason. :)

 

As for the fear of passing it on, there are tons of ways to get yer freak on if you are having an OB or you just need to feel no pressure about having a *possible* OB :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

 

If you look ad Herpes as your Wingman (ie, it will show you who your REAL friends are and the REAL side of the guys who are interested in you), you can experience the *positive* side of being positive....

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/dating-online-my-personal-experience-with-being-out-and-proud/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

and there are other great discussions/articles about disclosure and dating :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5915/dating-and-disclosing-with-herpes#latest

 

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/

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