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Newly diagnosed, afraid to disclose herpes to partner of 6 months.


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I am devastated.

 

I was recently diagnosed as HSV2+ with an IgG >5.

 

I have been dating a man for almost six months and decided to get a full STD panel for peace of mind. I had an HIV test last year, but I guess because I've never had a single symptom, I was never tested for HSV. I am not sure if he has ever been tested for HSV, so I suppose it's possible he has it, but I just have this gut feeling that I got it from my ex of ten years who cheated on me numerous times.

 

Because HSV has been a non-issue for me, healthwise (assuming I've had it for awhile) I am not so upset about the diagnosis itself as I am about the fact that this man may decide he can't handle the risk and will leave me. I am also terrified at the thought of infecting him. I do not doubt that he loves me, but he's sort of...anxious when it comes to illnesses. I can see this affecting him in a way that makes his life miserable - constantly worrying about being infected, even if he doesn't want to be worried. I don't want to do that to him.

 

While I've seen him since I got my diagnosis, I haven't had the opportunity to tell him (one night his mom was in town, the next night he was on his way to a party with friends), but we haven't been sexually active since I learned. I want to give him that choice. I know that there is already a good risk of infection given that we were very, very active with each other since March, often without protection as we'd both been HIV tested and never had any HSV symptoms.

 

FWIW, we are both "older", as in late 30s, early 40s, and we both did our share of sowing wild oats in our younger years. I'm hopeful that the fact that we've talked about our relationship being long-term and serious (as in marriage level serious) prior to this diagnosis will mean he's willing to stick around, but I am bracing myself to have my heart broken. It will be a heartbreak of epic proportions for me, and it will take me a long time to get over if it comes to that - but I can't change anything. I can't make him take that risk. I'd rather he move on now than stay with me out of pity or obligation if he's going to be afraid to touch me or constantly worried and break my heart further down the road.

 

I don't feel like a different person today. I feel scared, and lonely, and worried about my future prospects, but I'm grateful I don't have a more complicated or life-threatening illness. I'm grateful there is a community of people to turn to who know what I am feeling. I'm grateful I'm alive, and that I have friends. I'm trying to sort through all of this, and believe me I am breaking down in tears about once every thirty minutes, but I can see a light out there somewhere.

 

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Hello, welcome and I'm sorry you're joining the H club. I can totally understand your fears, but there is a high probability that he has it too and very well could have been the one to give it to you.

 

Have you ever noticed burning on buttock, vagina, back of thighs, muscle aches or tenderness in those location's, localized itching? The few I've come across who were shocked to learn of their diagnosis, ad they've never had an OB, have had mild symptoms they realized, once they started chatting w me.. Usually back of leg or lower back pain randomly through the yrs.

 

If you both have reached the level of speaking marriage and he really loves you, this shouldn't be a blip on his radar. I have 7gfs who have H and all are married but one and that one in her 9yra w it, has never experienced a rejection. So hang in there gf, everything will be OK.

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It's a little complicated. I have intertrigo, which I've had since I was a child. If I sweat too much or wear tight clothes or don't properly dry off, I get very inflamed, sore skin. One of the common places to get intertrigo is in genital folds. I know what that feels like. It goes away if I shower and air dry or use cortisone. I also get it under my breasts and behind my right ear. It's the only kind of symptom in the genital region I've ever had, and it's been diagnosed by several doctors. Otherwise, nothing. No burning or throbbing or aching.

 

Either way, I started antivirals, so hopefully that will help reduce asymptomatic shedding.

 

Our talk went ok. I was a mess. He felt bad for me and said the right things. I made him promise to research and think about what it means, since herpes is forever. He said he'd think about it, but that his inclination is that nothing has changed. He loves me for the person I am, and that unless this drastically changes who I am, he can't see himself going anywhere. He did say that if I gave him the herp I have no choice but to marry him...which I'm pretty sure was an attempt to lighten the mood but it kinda made me feel bad. I gotta work on not being so sensitive. But, its only been three days. He did hold me, kiss me and we were intimate without PIV sex. It made me feel a little better that he still thinks I'm sexually attractive.

 

At least I can breathe tonight. I did what I had to do. Ball is in his court.

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Jeez! I just Google image searched "INTERTRIGO". Mine is nowhere near as bad as any of those pictures. Just a little red and irritated. My understanding is that herpes go haywire with steroid treatment, so I'd assume the fact that it goes away with hydrocortisone for me would be indicative of my irritation being the intertrigo and not related to herpes. Luckily it doesn't make my toes bleed like it did in grade school!

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I believe so.I suppose he could change his mind about sticking around if he ends up negative. Mostly I'm just grateful he didn't make me feel like a pariah. I'm sure for his own peace of mind he'll want to know.

 

The best thing he said to me was "It could have just as easily been me."

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Got a text from him this morning:"Woke up this morning, still love you."

 

And I bawled. An all-out, sobbing, ugly cry - and my dog came and lapped up the tears right off my face.

 

I am doing a little better this morning, but still struggling with the idea of how I will forgive myself if I ever infect him. How can I do that to someone I love? How do you get over the guilt? I mentioned last night that I was tempted to remove myself from the equation so that he didn't have to make a choice, but that seemed to really upset him.

 

Do you ever wonder that your partner is just a little less happy than they would be if you weren't around? The idea of causing him pain makes me nauseous.

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Well hun, that's a tough one, because that's one I fear myself if and when I am ever inba relationship again. I think Dancer is the one to give advice on that.

 

I will say this, that feeling and fear is more prevalent and intense, when you're newly diagnosed. It does start to calm down some over time. This may be where therapy may come in handy.

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@Elise1977 Wow, I absolutely love his response. He seems like a great guy :) So happy you have someone who supports you. The reality is that herpes is not that big of a deal. When you have that realization, your fears will ease. Right now it is extremely new and you are still trying to figure it all out. So you feel like you might give him something that you think is horrible when it is sooooo minor in the grand scheme of things. Don't let herpes steal your joy or interfere with your relationship. Love that man because he loves you too. Enjoy what you two have. Enjoy his company. Breathe, relax and enjoy life. If he is ok with it, let him be ok with it. He is a big boy :)

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He is a fantastic guy, which is why I hope he never feels like he is settling. I think I will always feel just the tiniest bit like he is. He says I'm still the same person to him, and that while this isn't the greatest news, it's not the end of the world. Obviously, it's not great, but just hearing that something in his life isn't great makes me tear up. :( I really wanted to be great for him.

 

When we were laying in bed and he was holding me, I asked him to think really hard about the risk.

 

Him: "There's a risk, either way."

Me: "How so?"

Him: "There's a risk if I stay, yes. But there's a bigger risk if I go of never finding another person like you."

 

If we can get past the hurdle of having sex without constant worrying, I think we will be in this for the long-term. I'd marry him tomorrow if he would have me. Mostly because of the person he was before the diagnosis, but it does help to know how much he must really love me to stick around when others might run. I gave him an open door to go, with no hard feelings, and a promise that I'd always be his friend. I begged him not to stay out of pity or obligation. If he wants to go back to a relationship without sex until he's 100 percent confident that I'm his future, I will do that, too.

 

It's odd, but this is the most adult I have ever felt. And I'm 38 years old, and have been married and divorced and had a 10 year live-in relationship. But today, I feel like I've been dealt my first grownup problem. Having to own up to it, having to say it to the person I love, has forced me to grow up and look at life differently.

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Ugh. Well, tonight didn't go as well. I know he really wants to be ok with it, but he is scared. He wants to go to the doctor with me and ask questions about what's safe. I've given him the basic information, but I think as long as the fear of contracting it rules, he won't be able to deal with this long term. I know he loves me. I know he hurts for me. I know he is scared of losing me, but herpes might scare him more.

 

We will go together, and try to see if there's a way he can ever be comfortable with this. I have to be careful not to push him away in an attempt to begin to protect my heart.

 

He said if he has it, then it doesn't matter. But that to me leaves open the possibility that if he doesn't that he will bolt. I know I need to give him space and time to come to grips, but it's really hard when it's my heart on the line. I know I can move on and still have a good life. I'd just really miss him.

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@Elise1977 Honestly Elise Doctors are not the best people to talk to about his stuff. I would encourage him to get on here. So he can find out from people who have the current data and who have experience. If you have an ignorant doctor, they can freak him out. I have yet to hear any accurate information from them. So guide him to this site. Let him talk to the vets @WCSDancer2010 @2Legit2Quit and @fitgirl...I can add my two cents. He needs to see the reality of this and not the stigma.

 

At the end of the day, what is meant to be will be. If he truly loves you unconditionally then this skin rash won't stop him. He just needs the true knowledge of what it is and how minimal the risk really is.

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I'm going to talk with my doctor first and ask her about the things we've discussed. If she seems properly educated, then we will go to her. She is the doctor who prescribed suppressive therapy for me as a way to reduce risk of transmission, so she seems somewhat knowledgeable. She's a gyn at a women's clinic, and she was pretty laissez faire about the diagnosis (as in she didn't make it a big, scary deal for me and seemed to think there was no reason I couldn't continue on in my relationship).

 

I know we like to tell ourselves that if someone truly loves us, they'll take the risk, but I fully believe it's possible for someone to love you and just not be able to eliminate the anxiety of contracting something that is permanent. Especially if you've had a marriage that ended, you are skeptical of believing that things last forever. I felt the same way about relationships given my poor track record with men. It just sucks that I was finally ready to let my walls down and really love someone deeply and then get hit with this. I have a lot of respect for him being thoughtful about the process and not just dismissing it as no big deal. It is a big deal, and because I know his heart, I know that if he takes the risk it's because he sees me as his future.

 

I think the best route is to help him understand that as a single man dating single women in their mid to late 30s, there's a super big risk of someone he meets having this and not knowing. Yes, you can ostensibly ask everyone to get a full std panel before engaging in sexual activity and make them show it to you. I know I will if this doesn't work out. If he's negative and decides to move on, I hope he will as well, mostly to save himself the heartache I know he's feeling today. But even then, you can't protect yourself if someone is dishonest and cheats. That can happen to anyone, and when it does, it rocks your world to the core.

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That's probably not a terrible idea.

 

We actually had a fantastic night. I was resolved not to talk about H, just to work on remembering why we get on so well, and why we love each other to begin with. We went out to dinner, back to his house to watch football and snuggle, and one thing led to another...and it was a big turning point I think. He told me he wanted to, and I said I'd leave it up to him, that I was willing to do other things to be intimate until he decided he was ready. But we did the things grown ups do, and didn't discuss herpes.

 

I think the fact that I was so dramatic about it the last few days didn't help. The more I've come to realize it's just a skin rash, and that there are risks everywhere, the less I've felt bad/guilty about my diagnosis. I never really felt bad about herpes, I felt bad about putting him through a hard decision. I feel like he made it tonight, and I'm so grateful. I hope we continue to grow and have meaningful time together, both sexual and not.

 

I did talk to my doctor today, and she was very positive about discordant relationships. She was more than willing to advocate for smart sex and suppressive therapy and to help me put him at ease.

 

I'm feeling positive. I'm feeling loved.

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Thank you! This site definitely helped me see everything from a different perspective. What I realized this morning is that he wasn't reacting to the diagnosis, he was reacting to me and the way I was dealing with it. I think a lot of men don't know how to deal with women in crisis because they want to fix the unfixable. I think he was scared I was going to be a miserable, hysterical woman who pushed him away and couldn't be happy again. He sent me a message this morning saying how he was glad I was back to my old self.

 

So, my plan for the future is to leave the discussions behind. If he wants to talk about it further, I will happily do so, but I'm going to stop apologizing for putting him behind the 8 ball, and stop talking about herpes. I am a different person than I was a week ago, but I think I am a better person. More driven to be healthy, be successful, be kind and non judgmental.

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It's been a week since I disclosed. Our relationship is better than ever. He seems to have come to peace with the risks and I have no doubt that he loves me, for me. I'm head over heels for the guy. I was in such a dark place last Sunday. I thought I was going to lose the man I love over something I can't control. I was resigned. But, he's still at my side. If we can get through that, I trust we can get through most anything.

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Sorry I am late to the party, but I just have to say:

 

Whooooohooooooo!

 

So glad you managed to get through the last week, to have your first "Adult moment", to push through it and grow from it .... that realization that he was reacting to YOUR fears far more than the risks is HUGE ... because you are right ...men don't know how to deal with a "hysterical" woman ... they become both freaked out and they feel powerless to help ... and that scares more men away than ANY virus ever will ;)

 

I'm putting this in the Success Stories category ... it's such a PERFECT example of a very typical disclosure scenario ... especially to those who are letting their fears get the better of them.

 

Just remember, your job is to disclose and educate (and the trip to the Dr is a good idea... ans she sounds like a good one to help you there). That way, you know he's making an ADULT choice to be with you... "For better or for worse" ..... after you know he knows the facts, ACCEPT his choice. He's a grown assed man ... it's not your job to control that part of him. All you can do is to be vigilant about your body and honest about when you believe you might be at risk ... (and that's the PERFECT time to find other ways to play!!). You actually have a EXCUSE to improve/expand your sex life!!! The rest is in Gods/the Universes' hands (according to your beliefs). LEAVE IT THERE and accept whatever happens. In reality, it's all you can do. Worry is just living in the future ... but it won't change anything.... Just enjoy every day with him.

 

(((HUGS)))) So happy for you friend!

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just wanted to update my story: everything is going so wonderfully with my boyfriend. I really think this is heading to a happily ever after. Herpes has taken a backburner, and has not been brought up again. Our sex life has not been affected at all. I am on suppressive therapy, and we don't use condoms.

 

It seems that as soon as I let my fears go, his went away, too. I still worry about infecting him, mostly about the rare chance of transmitting orally. I must be odd, but I would so much rather have genital herpes than oral herpes.

 

Anyway, I know my situation is a little bit different than others in that we already had a relationship prior to me finding out, and prior to having to disclose, but in some ways that made it so much harder. I already had established feelings for him and the idea of losing him and/or infecting him was so incredibly painful and scary. I hope this helps someone who is going through a similar situation feel like there is still hope, and that there are people who will love you through sickness and health. :)

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Thank you for the update... and you are sooooo right... often YOUR attitude towards H will affect your partner.. I mean, if you act like it's a horrid and scary thing, how do you expect them to feel, especially if they were previously uneducated about it???

 

Well done and congratulations!

 

(((HUGS)))

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just another update! The boyfriend and I are still going strong. I'm still taking my antivirals. Still no symptoms or outbreaks. The other day I overheard his five year-old son talking to himself in the bathtub, and heard him say that he loves me. My heart melted! I think the fact that the bf is actually increasing the amount of time he wants me to spend with his boy is a pretty good sign that he's dealt with and accepted the reality of what this could mean for him in the long term.

 

I'm a happy girl, living a happy life, with a diagnosis for a virus that I've never had a single physical symptom of. It's weird to know I'm somehow "tainted" in the eyes of so many, yet not have any external signs.

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