God stopped protecting me

[cupcake]

There was a time where I was a very religious/Christian/spiritual type person. I would pray every night and go to church 2x per week almost. I slowly moved away from this and did not pray as much and became more sexually active with people who I did not have serious commitments with. I felt that as long as my partner wore a condom, everything would be ok. Or, if my partner had no signs of an outbreak, which I would have hoped they would tell me if they did, I could not catch anything. Well, I did catch HSV-2 from a partner that was wearing a condom and had never had an outbreak. He was completely unaware that he had HSV-2 until I had an outbreak a week after we had sex and called to tell him.

 

What is wearing on my mind is that I wonder if I had been a more faithful and praying person, would this not have happened? Did God lift his protection from me because I was not praying like I should have or going to church like I should? I have friends that sleep with a different guy every month (or more), but they pray and go to church and nothing has happened to them. I know that this may sound crazy, but it is how I feel. I feel that God stopped protecting me when I stopped being as faithful.

[mr_hopp]

First off: Wow. This is how religion has the potential to create more shame than compassion in people. Please don't go overboard into overthinking this one. If there is a God, I promise you that s/he loves you regardless of what you do. It's you who get to judge yourself or forgive yourself. Getting herpes could possibly be a gift for you to get something deeper about yourself. If that were so, what would that gift be for you that you get to recognize about you?

 

“The next time you face something that’s unexpected, unwanted, and uncertain, consider that it just may be a gift.” — Stacey Kramer

[cupcake]

I do know that it has forced me to slow down sexually and actually get to know someone first (or get to know them better than I was previously). I have been able to enjoy kissing without thinking about anything further, kind of like being a teenager again. Also, being that I am in my early 30s, it had made me prioritize what I want for my future. I can't run around having casual sex anymore. That makes me kind of sad that this freedom has been taken away from me, but at the same time, that freedom is what got me here. HSV-2 has made me more serious about looking for the right mate to spend my life with, something that I always wanted, but just settled for casual sex in the meantime. I no longer have non-committal sex partners as distractors from my main goal.

[domh21]

I don't believe God stopped protecting you. I felt the same shame. But there is such thing as free will. Just because people are praying and going to church and still having sex doesn't make them more or less protected not even people who consider themselves holy are protected from cancer or car accidents or anything like that. My doctor told me when I was freaking out about this to think of it this way, do you drive? well then you might have a car accident do you work? well something awful might happen at work. If we live our lives trying to protect ourselves from all the bad and all the things that could happen we are not truly living. Same with sex, we had sex and H is the sure mark that we did. But it is not a symbol of not being protected. I think religion and the representatives of religions are who pass shame. Yes we make choices. And those choices have consequences but don't beat yourself up. I don't think God ever leaves us, we leave him but he is always there even when we are in hard times. I don't think God stopped protecting you this was just something that happened to you and to all of us. Things happen even to good people. You are amazing and I can only speak for myself but I believe God is always there and this is an opportunity for us to love more and really treat ourselves and others with love and care.

[DrSuz]

Hi cupcake!

It sounds like H has gotten you to reflect on what's important and what really matters to you in your life and relationships. That is awesome!!

I have had moments of feeling like H is a punishment that restricts my freedom, but I am coming to realize that it is a total blessing for me. It requires me to take good care of myself and look at the big picture about who I am and who I want to spend my time with. This feels like great freedom to me at thus point!!

Blessings on your path, S

[Learningasigo]

Hi cupcake -

 

I couldn't agree more with the above posts. Psalm 138:8 says "God will perfect that which is for us" so clearly your free sex life isn't what's for you.

 

I'm only a few months into my diagnosis and I feel blessed at the way this minor virus that is minimal physically, but can be overwhelming emotionally, has made its way into my life. I too still have bad days (mostly bad nights when the lights are out and everyone has gone to bed) but in general, I've gone through the same reprioritizing that you mentioned.

 

Don't you want what's for you? Whatever was perfectly designed to make up your journey and your ultimate destiny? I do! And clearly a free sexual life isn't for me. I'm a hard learner so it would have had to be something like this to get me to change my ways and THANK GOD it isn't something life threatening - it was something life-changing.

 

Like someone above mentioned, it's the institution of religion that passes along the shame, not God. Your relationship with God doesn't possess shame. It's man's interpretation of God's word that implicates if you are and are not protected. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He is a merciful God that allows us free will, that sometimes puts us in bad places.

 

This is all part of your purpose. I promise.

[domh21]

Learningasigo I couldn't agree more with your above statement. I sometimes still struggle with the guilt/shame but what you have said above is the truth. Take away religion God is God and he is always there. There is purpose for all of us H or not we have purpose. I'm so glad I read this today. Your words really lifted me up!!

[lelani]

Hi Cupcake...maybe its time to review your beliefs about what God is for you. If God is love then punishment and shame is not part of that. H is just a virus like a cold...there is no shame and praying doesn't give you any more protection that if you don't. And while you feel like you are being punished...that comes from you and not God. While it is hard having H sometimes, there is also amazing personal a spiritual growth that can come from it...if you choose that.

 

And if, as the bible says, God is within you then bring that out..work on being loving, kind, open and thankful with H. This is life changing and it can be so much for the better.

 

As for the friends who pray and sleep around and don't have it...don't you believe it. They just haven't been tested and don't know, just like the guy you got it from. 80% of people don't know they have it. The fact you do means you can practice honesty, integrity and build your character so you shine :-). x

[prayerful]

I was in the same boat thinking that God removed his protection from me. Despite many chances and warnings. If anything, this is just God bringing you back to where you were initially. It is to bring you back to Him and know that only He can provide what it is that you need. That is what I picked up from it. Whatever we were searching for, we were just wasting our time, and although unpleasant, this was His way of getting our attention. It could have been HIV but it wasn't. We have to be thankful for that.

[cupcake]

Thank you all for your comments. I think that you are all so right. I forget some of these things sometimes. I have definitely gotten to a better place and have even gotten comfortable enough to tell a few friends. I am starting to get to the point where I want to scream it from the rooftops sometimes to just get it out there and try to start a revolution to remove the shame from having the virus. I would like to be more like Adrial, but being a future healthcare professional, I am afraid people might not want me to treat them if they know. I, like Learningasigo, have to learn things the hard way. I have so many "scares" before I got to this point and everytime I swore I would change my ways. Maybe that I why I felt like God finally gave up on me. I was not honoring my word to him.