Valtrex Daily + Condoms = Do I Really Need to Disclose?

[WCSDancer2010]

 

I hear what you are saying, but again: .4%

Think about that.

1/223

That's incredibly low odds.

 

And, what are the odds that if they do get it, that's it's going to be terrible or unmanageable? If the odds were high, then we'd see kids getting quarantined if they had cold sores- it would be treated like the plague.

 

 

For MOST people, no, it's not terrible or unmanageable. But if you hung around here for awhile, you would see the stories of the ones who DO have a REALLY rough time with this. The ones with horrific first OB's that land them in the ER, sometimes on IV anti-virals. The ones who can't go to work for days or weeks because they can't walk without extreme pain. The ones who got it near the urethra and who can't pee without feeling that they are on fire. Just because YOU didn't have a horrific OB doesn't mean that that one person that may get it from you won't have a really nasty reaction to it.

 

Here's a question for you guys who think this is such a bad disease:

 

Why would you sleep with anyone at all, even if they consented, if you believed this was such a terrible disease? Especially if "not everyone responds to it" as well as I have. Who knows- they might consent to it, and then, if it's really so terrible, end up with some terrible complications do to herpes that they weren't aware was possible.. but wait a second, if that were the case then they'd put herpes up there with HIV legally. They haven't done that though.

 

This is the problem with framing herpes as a terrible thing.

 

There is NO place on here that @Adrial, myself, or any of the Moderators have said it's a "Terrible" or "Bad" disease. You are putting words in our writings that are just plain NOT there. In fact, our coaching to the new people is that really, is ISN'T that bad. What IS bad is the fact that the person usually got it from someone who didn't give them the CHOICE ... often through no fault of their own but not infrequently the person knew and didn't disclose because they were afraid of rejection. (As you are from your writing ..otherwise you wouldn't be here looking for and arguing for ANY reason to not disclose ;) ) .. Often they at least used condoms and they STILL got it even though that put their risk as a "measly" 2%, which also *sounds* like a pretty low number.

 

What IS terrible is the stigma, and how it makes people instantly judge THEMSELVES so severely that they are contemplating suicide when they come here. I often wonder how many people actually DO commit suicide after diagnosis, because I'm sure that it happens. Usually those people feel VERY betrayed by the other person. Many on here spend months or even YEARS getting to a point where they will risk dating again.

 

Stigma and Shame THRIVE in an atmosphere of silence and fear. The fear of rejection is a powerful emotion that will cause people to find all kinds of reasons to not disclose. And that is exactly what FEEDS the shame and stigma.....

 

So - for your .4%, are you willing to take the responsibility for the mental and physical health of someone who *might* get it? If there was a .4% chance that you had a loaded gun that could mentally or physically scar someone, would you take that risk just so you don't have to risk rejection? Because right now you are looking for any excuse you can find just so YOU don't have to risk someone walking away from a possible playdate.

 

So - did you even bother to read any of the links I gave you? ... because I can tell you, the stories shoot your belief that someone will walk away from you down in flames.... we even have people come on here who say they have regular casual sex and are rarely, if ever, turned down. It's all in the delivery ... and many who engage in casual sex KNOW they are running a risk ...

 

BTW, I don't see H as a big deal at all. I have my disclosure on all my dating profiles and I actually get BETTER men who are interested in getting to know me replying to me ... point being, you are really not giving people credit for being pretty damn intelligent and understanding ...which tells me YOU have bought into the stigma more than you may want to admit :)

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Well since you referred to picking women up in bars, most people are drunk when they participate in one nighters and we all know, just sex w someone inebriated is a slippery slope in law and now add herpes onto it. She may be wasted out of her mind and not even remember going home w you and you're asking her to have a sound mind to ask you if you have it? Are you going to make them use a breathalyzer first, to ensure they are of sound mind, to even think to ask that question? Wow... I have nothing left to say...

[2Legit2Quit]

One more question. Since you have already decided that it is OK to not disclose, may I ask why you even came here to ask if it's OK, because it is evident, nothing will change your mind.

[2Legit2Quit]

Dancer, I wonder how many commit suicide too. Many who particiin casual sex, at least for women, are depressed and looking for validation and love, so when they get H, it really sends them to a dark place. I'm going to have to do some research and let you know if I come up w anything. I'd imagine many do commit suicide for this reason, but families and friends may never know, because they are so ashamed, so there may be lack of substantive evidence put there. It may be the straw that broke the camels back for many and I'm sure the last thing they want everyone talking about is, that they got herpes. I'm sure they wanna take it to the grave w them. Robin Williams was rumored to have herpes, not saying that's why he killed himself, but just thought it was note Worthy.

[hippyherpy]

I haven't decided yet on disclosure or not.

 

I still think that it shouldn't be totally up to the infected person to bring this up.

 

Also, what counts as disclosure? There are no legal guidelines on what that means.

[Bambina3]

Well...I'm not going to chime in and be cocky and condescending...this is your decision, your life, your conscience....whatever you decide, you and others might have to suffer the consequences of your behavior....that's on you my friend.

Good luck xo

[Bambina3]

And btw...the above point on disclosure for hsv1 vs hsv 2 disclosure is a good point...hsv1 can cause gential herpes...so it really should be a moral understanding across the board...herpes is herpes.

[WCSDancer2010]

 

I still think that it shouldn't be totally up to the infected person to bring this up.

 

I DO agree with you there... BOTH parties should be responsible to broach the subject. But if you already know you have something (ie, a cold) it should be on you to do what you can to let people know that you have something that they could get ... now for me, someone tells me they have a cold, I hug them anyway. I rarely get a cold... though I might abstain if I knew my immune system was compromised at the time...and I would appreciate that the person gave me that warning.

 

Also, what counts as disclosure? There are no legal guidelines on what that means.

 

For me, it's telling the person that I have OHSV1 AND GHSV2 (Yeah, I hit the jackpot) ... and give them any info/education necessary for them to make the CHOICE to be with me.

 

I still see no sign of you mentioning if you read the links I gave you ... I think it would really help you to understand that you can disclose AND have plenty of casual sex :)

[Anna01]

@hippyherpy

I believe that you are focusing on the wrong thing here. You are so dead set on pointing a finger at the girl who doesn't ask if you have anything. You are basically saying "She is irresponsible....so is it my fault if I am irresponsible too?" The answer is "Yes" you are at fault. Hahaha IT IS NOT ABOUT HER! It is about YOU! Only you can control your actions and your thoughts. Just because someone kills someone doesn't mean it's ok for me to kill someone. Someones else's poor judgement doesn't justify my own.

 

What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be ashamed of this infection? Do you want to be someone who hides this (because that IS what you would be doing) because you are afraid of rejection? Omitting information is a form of lying....period. I truly believe that if you have the right energy about it, you will have women who are cool with having casual sex with you. No one is hating on your desire to be promiscuous. Do your thing but what is so bad about being open with someone? What is so wrong about giving them a choice? I don't consider it to be *the talk* hahahaha it is a moment of honesty. I wonder what your approach is to disclosure and how you come across when you say it. Your delivery or your energy may be why you haven't been successful just yet.

[2Legit2Quit]

Right on @anna01 well said! You are far beyond your 26yrs of age!

[Anna01]

@2Legit2Quit Thank you 2Legit :)

[hippyherpy]

I think there is something off here..

 

If you aren't sure whether or not your infection could harm others, regardless of if they agree to it or not, then why are you having sex with them at all?

[WCSDancer2010]

Because I trust as an ADULT that they can make an adult CHOICE once they are informed of my condition AND their risks ... just as when I have a cold, I will tell someone who wants to hug/kiss me that I have a cold, and then if they CHOOSE to still hug/kiss me, they do so knowing their risk. I trust them to know what risks they are comfortable with....but it's not up to ME to make that decision for them by withholding information.

 

It's really not rocket science ...

[hippyherpy]

Yeah, but as it's been stated in this thread, not everybody knows how they will react to the infection- some people get it mild, others badly.

[WCSDancer2010]

EXACTLY ... so you give them the info and let THEM figure out if the risk is something they are ok with....AGAIN, it's not up to YOU do make that choice for them ;)

 

AGAIN, have you read the links I gave you... because you will see that Casual Sex is definitely not off the menu when you disclose :)

 

[2Legit2Quit]

I'd also like to hear your answer on picking up drunk girls at the bar and expecting them to be of sound mind to make rational decisions or ask questions? There are people that herpes has been quiet and caused no issues for them, then they get sick, have cancer or whatever other scenario out there and it suddenly becomes very difficult to manage.

 

Why do you think it's OK to be deceitful to another person? If your answer is, "if they ask I will tell", then that is still being deceitful by not disclosing the potential risk. It is called lying by omission.

 

You say that people should refrain from sex, because they don't know how their body will react to getting herpes, as if they 1. Can predict that. 2. That they can predict that their health turns for the worst in the future, w illnesses such as cancercancer. 3. Many people give people the benefit of the doubt more than they should, because they can't fathom someone would do something as evil as intentionally not disclosing. Many people are young and naive and easy to exploit. The right thing to do, is not exploit that naivety Etc....

 

The only people who should refrain from sex, is when infected people such as us won't disclose.

 

How about maybe you shouldn't be sleeping around w what you have w out disclosing and exposing people w out a choice? Im putting the shoes back on you, that you're trying to enforce othersothers to wear.

 

Most people due to our poor education system on sexual health, are unaware that condoms only provide some protection, ontop of people being unaware, that herpes is not part of a full panel. You're blaming everyone for being innocently ignorant and justifying that innocent ignorance, to partake in deceitful behavior.

[hippyherpy]

When you say evil, you are saying that herpes is like HIV.

 

You are also saying that we can't tell how herpes will affect certain people later in life with complications like cancer etc. That's more of a reason for people with herpes to not have sex even if disclosure has happened and the other person is ok with sex.

 

I'd be curious to see the statistics that show the complications due to herpes- how prevalent it is. You are the first person I've heard of that has had massive complications due to herpes. Perhaps you are projecting your situation on the rest of the world. If these complications were so severe and common, there would be even greater restrictions on people with herpes.

 

Come to think of it, the only complications I've heard about, aside from your seemingly rare situation, have to do with HSV 1, and nobody is forced to disclose that despite the fact that 50% of new genital herpes infections come from it.

 

I do know some people who have had very bad initial outbreaks.

[hippyherpy]

EXACTLY ... so you give them the info and let THEM figure out if the risk is something they are ok with....AGAIN, it's not up to YOU do make that choice for them ;)

 

AGAIN, have you read the links I gave you... because you will see that Casual Sex is definitely not off the menu when you disclose :)

 

All the links you provided are from women's perspectives with regards to casual sex. I'd like to hear about success that guys have had.

 

I've hooked up with women who have disclosed to me- twice. I didn't get it from the first one, and I'm almost 100% sure I didn't get it from the second.

 

I think it's different for most chicks because, in general, there more sperm than eggs, so when a women makes things incredibly easy for a man (as my two herpettes did with me), it can be very hard for most men to say "no" even if she has herpes.

 

 

[hippyherpy]

Also, in Rogue's story, it's not casual pick-up.. the guy takes a day to consider it and then says "ok".

[2Legit2Quit]

You have got to stop twisting people's words around, you've done it to every single person. It absolutely is evil to intentionally sleep w soneone having a life long virus, w out their knowing, for your own selfish reasons.

 

Herpes isn't evil, the intent behind someones intentional deciet in order to gain sexual gratification for ones self is evil. People will stop responding, when you twist words around and deflect.

 

No, it's more of a reason that you don't go around intentionally spreading it. It is your duty w an infectious disease to contain that disease as best as one can, while at the same time giving someone the option to take the risk. No argument you have justifies your behavior, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter how much you spin ones words or blame other people for your actions and stating EVERYONE ELSE should abstain from sex, EXCEPT for you. You have to take accountability for yourself and stop putting blame on others. Life is going to be very difficult to navigate w a mentality as such.

 

You just got herpes and you've only chosen to read and research what will fit into your agenda and way of thinking. I've done plenty of research. I'm on two different forums. It is clear you haven't done any research outside of what supports your justifications, or rather you try to make them fit.

[WCSDancer2010]

It doesn't sound like there is any point in continuing this conversation. You came here trying to prove your argument that you shouldn't disclose because you feel that the risk is so small it doesn't matter. You refuse to understand that you are TAKING a person's CHOICE away from them and you don't seem to understand what that says about your character.

 

Bottom line: Our policy here is to ALWAYS disclose GENITAL herpes (HSV1 OR 2) ... no matter what the risk. We firmly believe in the right of the other person to have a CHOICE in the matter. You asked for our opinions here - to a person everyone who has answered has said they believe you should disclose. You still insist on trying to twist what we are saying to prove your point.

 

You asked our opinions - you have been given plenty of replies, none of which you agree with. I really don't think there is any point in continuing this conversation.

 

I wish you the best... and I fervently hope that you never have to deal with a hysterical girl who is contemplating suicide (as I have many times on here) who was the one who lost the Russian Roulette game that you have chosen to play with her. If you can live with that possibility, well, it's your conscience.

 

I'm here to help people who need my support ... so I'm done here.

 

Peace Out

[hippyherpy]

I never said I've decided on not disclosing. That's why I started this thread. I'm on the fence about it.

 

I didn't know that HSV 1 has to be disclosed if it's genital. Everything I've read so far says that you don't have to disclose if you HSV 1, regardless of where it happens. I think this is a double standard because, from what I understand, they are essentially the same virus with the only difference being that if you get HSV 1 in you genitals, it is less active than HSV 2.

 

My other point is- if herpes is as potentially bad as some in this thread are saying it can be (and nobody here has provided any stats on the frequency of how much it becomes so terrible), then why would you even let your partner take that risk at all? Sure it's their choice, but maybe they don't know how it will affect them down the line if they get it.

 

The reason I'm asking that, is because I think this discussion comes down to this: how bad is herpes?

 

Herpes is so clouded in stigma, that it can be very hard to get a firm grasp on what the effects are.

 

If it's often life threatening or as bad as 2legit says it is, then the stigma is correct.

 

If it's not so bad, then the stigma is bs.

 

 

In the above example concerning the suicidal girl- is she contemplating suicide because of false stigma, or because of the actual condition that she's dealing with?

 

 

[chikitta13]

It's not a black and white issue. It's a spectrum. For most people, they never even know they have it. Or their symptoms are so mild, they don't know what's going on or if they do it's not a big deal. For some people their system's take a while to settle, but it's generally a Shitty nuisance (I fall into this category). A small number of people have more serious issues. How many,

Isn't really known for this category.

 

What we do know from NHANES studies is that only about 20% of people who have hsv2 are symptomatic in a noticeable way. The problem is that there's no definite way to know where someone will be on the spectrum. I am pretty healthy gal. Barely ever got sick before this. Not even colds. I eat well, exercise, and limit drinking. BUT for some reason my immune system is struggling to get a handle on this. It's just a crap shoot. And I would have preferred to be able to make the choice about this gamble. My partner was asymptomatic and didn't know he had it. And thought he had been fully tested.

 

You are certainly right that the stigma is bs. And that the way we treat hsv 1 & 2 differently is bs. But I don't think that changes our responsibility to be open with prospective partners. I agree that it is a shared responsibility, but just because someone didn't ask doesn't absolve me from my responsibility. I think it's really about just being a good person. Good luck with your decision.

[hippyherpy]

It's not a black and white issue. It's a spectrum. For most people, they never even know they have it. Or their symptoms are so mild, they don't know what's going on or if they do it's not a big deal. For some people their system's take a while to settle, but it's generally a Shitty nuisance (I fall into this category). A small number of people have more serious issues. How many,

Isn't really known for this category.

 

What we do know from NHANES studies is that only about 20% of people who have hsv2 are symptomatic in a noticeable way. The problem is that there's no definite way to know where someone will be on the spectrum. I am pretty healthy gal. Barely ever got sick before this. Not even colds. I eat well, exercise, and limit drinking. BUT for some reason my immune system is struggling to get a handle on this. It's just a crap shoot. And I would have preferred to be able to make the choice about this gamble. My partner was asymptomatic and didn't know he had it. And thought he had been fully tested.

 

You are certainly right that the stigma is bs. And that the way we treat hsv 1 & 2 differently is bs. But I don't think that changes our responsibility to be open with prospective partners. I agree that it is a shared responsibility, but just because someone didn't ask doesn't absolve me from my responsibility. I think it's really about just being a good person. Good luck with your decision.

 

You say you didn't get sick much before HSV 2- are you saying that now that you have HSV 2, you are getting sick more often with things like colds etc?

[chikitta13]

Colds seem to come with out breaks. And since the end of June, I've had seven outbreaks despite using meds. I'm guessing it's stress related, but I never would have guessed my immune system would have such a hard time keeping this shit under control.