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The Ladies' Man's Disclosure Success Thread


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@hippyherpy I've never had issues with protein powder and herpies. I weight train 6 days per week so i use protein powder twice daily. However, I do buy hydrolyzed and it isn't cheap. I do that because it is metabolised very quickly by your system and doesn't allow for quirky reactions that you can get from cheaper protein. I also know quite a bit about hep c as I found out I had it about 25 yrs ago. I went on interferon shots (3 per wk) plus 5 ribovirin pills per day for 48 wks and was hep c free within the first 3 months of treatment. I have remained hep c free for about 15 years. I think I got it from letting a girl peirce my ears behind about 5 other people at work. We all used the same needle as hep c wasn't even heard of at the time nor was hiv.

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It's called Annex. I get it from complete nutrition. I absolutely think it helps keep my immune system strong as well as helps me build and maintain muscle. So, I've been pouring over your posts and have to say that really I think you are so right in not making herpies such a big deal. It really isn't. Can't remember if I read how long you have had it, but I have to say I'm glad I'm a veteran and have much less of this virus as far as shedding, transmission etc. I hardly ever even think about it. Of course, I'm married for 20 yrs and hubby doesn't have it and never brings it up ever!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

A recent successful disclosure was helped, I believed by showing Adrial's blog post on oral sex as well as this video

 

I think that if your partner sees that it's not just you who is giving them the info, they might feel more comfortable about it. Even if they trust you, sometimes. when you just meet someone. they might have back of the mind suspicions. Hearing a calm, rational, outside and objective voice explain can sometimes help.

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For those of you who think your sex life is doomed after getting herpes- I had two successful disclosures this weekend with girls I just met.

 

These are full-on disclosures where I explained risks etc.

 

Both girls said it was a lot to process. I agreed, and tried to give them as much info as possible about what I know to debunk the stigma.

 

 

Here's how I've been doing it.

 

When things are getting hot and heavy and sex looks like a foregone conclusion, I tell then "I want to tell you something"

 

They will probably say something like "oh no, don't tell me you've got like twenty kids or seventeen STDS"

 

Then I tell them "I have herpes."

 

Brief pause.

 

Follow up with "What do you know about that?" or "Do you know anything about that?"

 

This gets the conversation going. A lot of the time, girls have said something about how they don't know much about it.

 

Then I tell them that I don't have an outbreak, and that I also take a pill to reduce the chances of getting outbreaks or pass it on, and that combined with condoms, the risk of me giving it to them is something like 99% chance of not happening (we on this website can argue the exact percentages, but I've heard that one before from my Disease Specialist. Anyway, I don't think it matters too much whether it's 99% or 98%, what counts more is the whole gist of the disclosure). I tell them I've had girlfriends who didn't get it from me, and I've even had girls with whom we went raw and they didn't get it from me.

 

I also tell them that I have friends who have been married to people with herpes for years and didn't get it from them.

 

 

They will usually say that it's a lot to process, and I agree and make it clear that they can ask me any question they want about it.

 

Some questions that come up often are:

 

 

What was it like when you first found out- were mad/sad/scared etc. ?

 

I tell them that I was surprised and shocked didn't know much about it at the time, but then did research and found out that I probably should have gotten it a while ago. I also give them the stats- in certain cities, 1/4 people have herpes, 80% don't know they have it, and they could be going with a random guy from a bar who doesn't know that he does have it, and they'd be safer with me because I know I have it and I take precautions like taking a pill.

 

Do you have to take pill? Do you have to take a pill everyday?

Answer: I don't have to, and I know people who don't, and have had relationships where they didn't pass it on without pills, but I like to be as careful as possible.

 

Are you sure you don't have a breakout?

I explain to them that if I had a breakout, we wouldn't be in the current situation, because I wouldn't have allowed us to get as far as we've gotten (close to sex), and that I try to be as safe as possible.

 

If they ask more about my experience, I'm honest and tell them that having herpes hasn't really clamped down on my lifestyle.

 

Some girls need some time to think about it, which is fine. We relax and hang out. I've yet to have a girl dash off when I disclose like this. If anything, they are usually interested to know more about it, and almost all of them thank me for telling them.

 

I've also had girls who don't really care because they know it's not as big a deal as stigma says, or they just trust me.

 

I will also ask them if they ever had a cold soar. If they say yes, I tell them that they already have herpes, it's just that "cold sores" gets a pass on the stigma because American has a puritanical problem with sex, and that the stigma was drummed up in the 1980s by pharmaceutical companies to sell medication.

 

Hope this can help some of you in a way.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey man I signed up just to post here because I found this post through Google. Thanks for posting and keeping this updated, you are doing us all a great service. I've had Herpes for about 4 years and it has caused me so much trouble psychologically and with respect to sexual confidence. I have never really had a normal sex life, dealing with different skin conditions (molluscum, staph, now this) ever since I lost my virginity at age 22 (30 now). I haven't slept with a lot of women, probably less than you've described in this thread LOL, so it's so f-ing frustrating feeling like I never have had the fun casual dating lifestyle so many take for granted. I go from crippling dry spell to dry spell with sex maybe one a year or two years so I never "hit my stride" so to speak. Which of course increases the mental anguish.

 

It's so hard to find any good advice from and for men (because we tend to bottle up our frustrations and find our own ways to solve problems rather than speaking about them in real life or online) in the dating world. You see so much advice that essentially tells us we can't casually date or should stick to the leper colonies, or dive into serious relationships because rare be the woman who can accept our affliction (not my words). I just don't want a serious relationship, and with so many girls throwing it around like Joe Montana why can't I be Jerry Rice for a bit? Usually when I find guys on forums talking about a lifestyle like yours they are the nihilists who have decided they don't give a damn because of the prevalence of Herpes and just go out guns blazing no disclosure. At times I almost wish I didn't have the guilty conscience that impedes me from making this choice (because I'd actually be having sex), but I just can't do it.

 

Anyway, I have managed to disclose to one girl about a year ago and have a successful short term relationship but I felt she was much more understanding than most. The idea of casually disclosing to girls after going home with them still stifles me in general and I always feel like I'm being dishonest or something when I'm flirting with them, like I'm selling a fake version of myself to be crushed when they know the truth. Never really know when to make the disclosure so I end up quitting before I even get started. I wish it wasn't so difficult. I need to review some of the materials here and what you have posted.

 

Anyway without telling my whole life story I just wanted to say thank you and that you have definitely inspired me with your successes. Please keep posting your successes (and failures because those happen all the time as a guy whether you have herpes or not). I am going to reread your thread and try to inspire myself to make it work and hopefully get laid again.

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I'm glad that you can take something positive from this thread. I had another recent success with a girl who I had talked about herpes with a while ago who hit me up out of the blue after I thought it was a rejection. That makes about eleven new girls since the start of this year and I been with several towards the end of last year. Casual sex is definitely doable with herpes disclosure. You might have to put some more effort in, but it's doable for sure.

 

Also I disclosed to another girl over text who is interested in fucking me. She was impressed with my honesty and it looks like it's a "go" maybe for this weekend.

 

 

By the way, there was a recent report I think by the CDC that said There's a massive increase in STDs due dating apps like Tinder. I've had several girls tell me they got HPV recently after I disclosed to them. Imagine how many girls out there have HPV and don't disclose (the only reason they did was because I did).

 

 

Also, it's important to disclose for your own health as herpes puts you a greater risk of getting HIV. If you have an STD talk then you get to find out a little more about their experience.

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..... I always feel like I'm being dishonest or something when I'm flirting with them, like I'm selling a fake version of myself to be crushed when they know the truth. Never really know when to make the disclosure so I end up quitting before I even get started. I wish it wasn't so difficult. I need to review some of the materials here and what you have posted.

 

Going to make a point for you here....because I see this fear all the time... that not telling immediately is akin to "lying" or being "fake":

 

When getting to know someone - for casual sex or otherwise - you unravel the layers of yourself one at a time. Granted that it's faster for casual sex and many things that would be deal breakers for a "Serious" relationship don't come into the casual sex "getting to know you" talks.

 

But I see this exact same fear/belief in BOTH worlds....that not telling is being deceitful or dishonest.

 

However, in the casual sex world, there are other things that might be "deal breakers" that are not the other person's business until it's pretty obvious that they are about to get up in your...er...business :)

 

Super large Penis

Micro Penis

Erectile Dysfunction

ANY STI

Kink/Fetish/whatever that you might "have" to have

Kink/Fetish/whatever that you might LIKE to have

 

And I'm sure there are plenty more.

 

Point being: don't let the belief that you are being dishonest stop you from pursuing someone, for serious OR casual purposes. For one thing, the other person may be waiting for the right time to tell YOU that THEY have it too.... and again, if someone is in the casual scene, they are damn stupid if they don't realize that they are upping their risk factors for getting a STI and they should be GLAD you were honest and that you are doing what you can to not pass it on.

 

As you said, there are plenty of asshats out there fucking anyone they can and not telling.... when you tell a woman you give her CHOICE ... and there's nothing sexier to us than a man being vulnerable and allowing us into something that could be thrown back at them. I dated a guy with ED and HE had far more insecurity about it than I did... (he more than made up for it with his oral skills!). But he was scared to death to tell me about it when it was obvious that things were working towards the bedroom.

 

And yes. Sometimes a person can be insensitive or even nasty when you disclose. Remember that those people are doing you a FAVOR ... because who wants to date OR fuck someone who may well turn around and be nasty to them about something else down the line.... they just showed you their true self, and you dodged a FAR bigger bullet than a rejection over H.

 

These links may also help you... more links from the male POV :)

(This will keep you busy for awhile! LOL)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1716/a-question-for-men-with-herpes

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6071/lack-of-success-stories-of-men-disclosing-greater-difficulty-in-finding-partners

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7145/i-plan-to-disclose-but-the-fact-is-heavy-on-me-any-success-stories-to-share Male success story 19 yrs

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12 male to female rainyfeather

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6239/10-years-of-herpes-chats-male-experience

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4879/when-to-disclose male to female success

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5369/well-that-was-a-mess-but-success Male to female

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7493/an-extended-nyc-herpes-disclosure-experience male to female

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7530/33m-here-second-disclosure-second-success-feeling-well-normal Male to female

 

And some casual sex threads

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes Ella

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2749/casual-hook-ups-one-night-stands-with-the-h

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex general discussion

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6484/another-great-interview-with-ella-dawson-includes-great-info-on-how-she-deals-with-casual-sex

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7106/two-totally-separate-success-stories (casual sex)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok (Casual Sex Successful Disclosure)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

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I'm actually waiting for the nasty reaction because I think it would be pretty funny. Haven't had that yet hehe

 

Anyone of us can easily just not tell the other person. But there are a lot of carrots and sticks that say it is the thing to do. The sticks are obvious, but the carrots often get obscured by fear of rejection.

 

I'll say this about the carrot or silver lining of disclosing- for the people that are ok with it, it can actually make more of a bond, because as WCS said, it's an opportunity to display your honesty. This can create a great feeling of comfort for the other person.. it's a massive trust builder.

 

For casual sex, it's not that neccessary to have that extra level of trust, but if you decide to go further into a relationship with someone, I can see how the display of honesty can work in your favor.

 

Anyway, just for purely selfish reasons, I think it is good to disclose just as an excuse to have a talk about STDs in general because as a herpes carrier, you are at more risk for HIV and the CDC recently released a study that showed that STDs are on a big rise (as I predicted) thanks to the dating apps.

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And "The Villages" in Fla was the epicenter of the largest increase in STD's ever seen in Fla a number of years back....

 

"The Villages" is a retirement village ...LOL ... and this was before Tinder ....

 

What was really sad is that this huge retirement complex has everything you could ever want as a retiree.... except for a decent Sexual Health program ... half the people there have lost a partner after 25-50 yrs of marriage and they know NOTHING about STD facts... most likely believe that people in their age group don't get these things... until they get something... and they are less likely to discuss it than we are.

 

We had a 80+ yr old woman come on here from that area who was just diagnosed... got it in her first fling after her hubby of 50+ yrs died... I don't know which sucks more... getting it when you are young and can adapt or when you are that age and are convinced that the little bit of life you have left is now "over" .... :(

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@WCSDancer2010 - I know a woman in the retiree age range who tells me literally all of her female friends are positive. I believe it. If 50% of single women (including those who were long married) are HSV2+ by age 50, of course that percentage will continue rising with age because there is no cure and the male partner pool is increasingly infected, as well.

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Yup - and the older the demographic, the less likely that they want to use condoms because, to be honest, the male anatomy just doesn't perform as well with them... even with Viagra :)

 

And many are terribly under-educated about it...esp if they were in really long marriages. :(

 

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Maybe it doesn't perform well because it isn't inspired by the selection at the old people home. Sounds harsh but I bet you those issues wouldn't be much a problem if those old codgers had access to the bikini babes from Spring break or whatever hahaha

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Uh - @hippyherpy

 

You have a lot to learn about life friend. It's all fine and dandy that you can sow your wild oats now and come here to brag about it but out in the real world, there's a thing called AGE that eventually catches up with you.... so enjoy it while you can....

 

There's a LOT of reasons that guys can't perform as they get older. Around age 40 - 40% of men have at least *some* ED issues ...it increases by about 1% per year after that - mostly due to hormonal drop but also some have "plumbing issues" - the blood vessels that engorge can't close off to keep the blood in the penis.

 

And then there's the results of Big Pharma - you have no idea how many guys are beign put onto Statins in their freakin 40's nowadays - and more every year as they get older... which can really mess with sexual function.

 

Add emotional head fucks from bad experiences and you now have a large contingent who have at least *some* ED issues....

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@hippyherpy

 

LOL about your last comment. My early 20 something self would probably whole heartedly agree. Time has passed though and I am now 49. I find women closer to my same age more preferable than the bikini babes. Don't get me wrong, bikini babes can make some great eye candy. But the reality is I am now old enough to be their father. How you view women should evolve as you get older. Grey hair or a few wrinkle does not take away from women's beauty. Their are many women who say a balding head or graying hair doesn't make a man any less attractive as he ages.

 

Enjoy your youth while your living it. You'll be seeing things differently 20-30 years from now.

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Had another success that at first seemed like a rejection.

 

Me and this European girl are about to have sex, and I lay it on her (the H disclose). I tell her I take the polls etc. I've noticed that telling them about the pill actually can freak them out more so it's important to explain that you don't have to take pill but you just do it for extra precaution (I joke that I'm OCD which is probably a little true). Maybe it's better to not even include this part in the disclosure. Ok working on a way to elegantly explain the suppressive therapy thing so that they understand that it is a positive instead of a negative. The concept of taking suppressive therapy can immediately get their minds thinking about other viruses that have nothing to do with herpes (eg. HIV).

 

Defintely stopped the momentum. She told me that in her country they don't even offer the test for herpes when you get the STD tests and that nobody talks about it. After that it seemed like it was a no go. We talked a little more and she told she wasn't horny now because too much booze from earlier on but that she was ok with the herpes thing - like "of course I'm ok with it" kind of thing.

 

Cool.

 

We sleep for a while than wake up and have sex.

 

Sometimes an initial reaction might seem like a rejection but if you give it time, the person might come around.

 

Patience is very important with disclosure. It's often a new experience to get disclosed to because I doubt many people do it. Also the information can be an overload for one moment and the person might need time to process. Doesn't mean it's a no, and best thing is to just assume the sale, so to speak. In my experience, there is a good chance that they will come around after a while.

 

Herpes disclosure can definitely be like slamming in the breaks in a romantic encounter, but you have to just expect that and it becomes not a big deal.

 

 

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Patience is very important with disclosure. It's often a new experience to get disclosed to because I doubt many people do it. Also the information can be an overload for one moment and the person might need time to process. Doesn't mean it's a no, ....there is a good chance that they will come around after a while.

 

Herpes disclosure can definitely be like slamming in the breaks in a romantic encounter, but you have to just expect that and it becomes not a big deal.

 

Definitely agree with you there! This is the most important thing for people to get.... that patience and a willingness to let the other person move at their own pace will usually pay off... and if it doesn't, it's not about you... it's just their own unwillingness to take a risk....even though odds are that they have and will encounter H plenty of times if they are at all sexually active. :/

 

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The thing is that, for most girls at least, they make decisions about these things like sex not off of logic but the emotional feeling of the moment. If you are confident I what you are saying and doing, they are more likely to trust you and don't want to think about the math and numbers etc.

 

That's why I've been try to minimize any kind of math talk when disclosing because I find a lot of that doesn't even register. I still tell them the risk percentage, but I also try to break it down in a non math way. What they are really taking in is you and how you are handling the situation.

 

This is true for guys as well as the two girls I hooked up with who had herpes, before getting herpes myself (not from them), were very confident in the way they disclosed. I trusted them.

 

The way to do this is to be confident in what you are saying- I know that I'm doing everything possible to reduce risk of transmission.

 

I also know the stats about how many people have it, and how herpes is not nearly a big a deal as the majority tends to think.

 

I've also disclosed a bunch of times now, so I know what to expect. I've watched people do computations in their minds about this. I've seen people go into mental over drive. I understand that it is not the norm to have someone disclose something like this and for many people they need to work through it.

 

On my end, if I get a hesitater, I dial down the sex vibe and try to provide them with more emotional support/confidence as well as some more info (not a lot of number crunching stuff though).

 

I will explain how many people have it and tell them I've had girlfriends who didn't get it from me (even sometimes without condoms).

 

The key is to be cool with taking things down and to assume the sale.

 

Even if you don't get an immediate "yes" you can escalate a little later and they might communicate consent at that time. An example of this would be: you've disclosed, had a discussion about risks etc., maybe had a discussion after that on another topic, started making out again, and then when things are getting hot and heavy, she asks if you have a condom.

 

A message to the H fellas - always have condoms available and preferably in reach.

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I will explain how many people have it and tell them I've had girlfriends who didn't get it from me (even sometimes without condoms).

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but you only got this last Fall and you haven't had any "girlfriends" since then... in which case, you are lying to them. Sure, many people DO have long term relationships and don't pass it on. But if I'm right, then you should tell them THAT.... because I keep getting the feeling that you have done what you can to come up with a shtick that minimizes the issues as much as possible. Now, with the Casual Sex culture, I personally feel anyone engaging in that *should* be better educated about the risks ... but sadly most are not. And I applaud you for disclosing. But I'm still not totally at ease about WHAT you tell them....

 

AND I get that in your situation it's hard to know just how much to tell... but PLEASE at least be honest about YOUR experience.... and again, if I am wrong here, I will stand corrected.... :)

 

 

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I have multiple girls that I sleep with- not everyone is just a one night stand. Girls I've seen regularly have gotten tested and showed negative, so me telling girls that I've had girlfriends who didn't get it from is the truth, not a lie, regardless of what happens in the future.

 

Furthermore, I have friends who have been married to people with herpes and had unprotected sex with them for years and didn't transmit.

 

I don't have to disclose to these women at all, but I do it.

 

It's important for people to know that having sex with someone with herpes doesn't guarantee that it's going to transmit.

 

 

 

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