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The Ladies' Man's Disclosure Success Thread


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I had my first bar encounter last night since getting diagnosed and I couldn't bring myself to disclose :(. I had my period though so we did not have sex and he did not go down on me (I have GHSV2). He didn't seem that into me this morning, I had to ask him for his #, he didn't ask me.

 

But I was in a panic last night. Agreeing to go back to his place - do I tell him now? As we were walking back to his place - how about now? Kissing in his bedroom ? Now?? Luckily (sort of, I wanted to get laid) my period saved me in a way. If I hear from him maybe I will tell him before we meet up to avoid telling him in person. I hope also that he does not get freaked out I had oral sex with him because it shouldn't spread that way - https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/399/how-to-be-intimate-without-passing-herpes-to-my-partner-how-do-i-do-this .

 

Again not counting on hearing from him again though ... just one of those guys..

 

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^the girls I know who disclosed successfully with me before I got my herp did it right before sex.

 

The idea is that you aren't assuming that sex is on until it's immanent. This is something you mention as last minute thing because it isn't really a big deal. If they want to expand it and discuss more, you can do that, but I don't see any reason to make it a bigger ceremony/deal than it has to be.

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He didn't seem that into me this morning, I had to ask him for his #, he didn't ask me.

 

Uh - honey - while I know that you weren't looking for anything permanent, this outcome is telling you he REALLY wasn't into YOU at all... perhaps it was the alcohol talking the evening before but if he didn't ask for your number.... HE'S NOT INTERESTED. If you were just looking to get laid, why did you need to ask for his number? I may be wrong here but I'm guessing you were hoping for at least a *little* something more than a quick hook-up....in which case if you had sex and then he didn't ask for your number, don't you think it would have been more upsetting?

 

Listen to your H Wingman.... you may have dodged a bullet with this one .... don't let it "mean" anything ... you took one step towards becoming more comfortable with your status. And that's a good thing. But that guy wasn't meant to be in your life. Do like a dog would...kick dirt over that shit and move on....LOL

 

 

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^the girls I know who disclosed successfully with me before I got my herp did it right before sex.

 

The idea is that you aren't assuming that sex is on until it's immanent. This is something you mention as last minute thing because it isn't really a big deal. If they want to expand it and discuss more, you can do that, but I don't see any reason to make it a bigger ceremony/deal than it has to be.

 

This is the one thing I'm not crazy about as far as disclosure with hook-ups.... because if you disclose when sex is imminent/last minute, odds are a number of people will have the hormones/alcohol/drug of choice speaking and often they will have sex and then spend the next 4 months freaking out until they can get a definite STD test. (I have coached several of them here in the past) Sure, many are fine with it and I know they come back for more with you @hippyherpy, but in *my* world there's more integrity in discussing things before the clothes come off or the alcohol/whatever is consumed and *preferably* before things get *too* hot. Because then the person can make a (mostly!) rational and clearheaded *choice* and will be less likely to freak out later if they choose to have sex. Some still will freak out but the odds are at least a lot lower.

 

I say this because I've had sex more than once where I know if someone had thrown me the curve ball of a disclosure when things were well heated up I likely would have gone forward and then wondered if the risk was worth it later. Not to say that I might not have had sex with them, but I know that my reaction afterwards would have been a LOT different.

 

I'm not judging you but I do feel that I need to keep putting this perspective out there for new people so they can come up with their own way to deal with this that will be sure that they are comfortable with the issue of what defines *their* integrity around this subject.

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But I was in a panic last night. Agreeing to go back to his place - do I tell him now? As we were walking back to his place - how about now? Kissing in his bedroom ? Now?? Luckily (sort of, I wanted to get laid) my period saved me in a way. If I hear from him maybe I will tell him before we meet up to avoid telling him in person. I hope also that he does not get freaked out I had oral sex with him because it shouldn't spread that way - https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/399/how-to-be-intimate-without-passing-herpes-to-my-partner-how-do-i-do-this .

 

 

As you can see from my and @hippyherpy 's replies above, there is no "right" time to disclose. You need to look at both of our POV and work out what is best and right for YOU. :)

 

If he freaks about the fact that you had oral with him (if you hear from him and disclose), just point him to the discussion so he can see for himself what the facts are :)

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It's a tricky thing, because sex isn't usually planned out (at least not in my experience). Telling someone ahead of time that you have herpes when you aren't up to the point where they've overtly communicated their intent to have sex with assumes a lot.

 

If you mixed my approach with yours, it would be like this: sex is about to happen, then you tell them, and then say something like "we can't have sex until you have thought this through thoroughly". I know people who have done that kind of thing, but it's not like the girls I'm hanging with are completely oblivious to what's going on.

 

If anything, you'd think talking about herpes around a person who has had some drinks would send them running because they'd be going on their fears and the stigma.

 

Hasn't been the case in my life so far.

 

I do make sure they understand. If they say something like "so what, I don't care about herpes" then I'm pretty sure they've checked it out enough to know it isn't a big deal because it takes some effort to find non-stigmatized info on Herpes.

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@Hippyherpy I read one of your posts that said you had an actual ob at the time you were with a girl (you wore a condom) and you saId basically she grinded on you with her clit .....I know you likely disclosed you had herpies, but I can't help but wonder if you told her you were having an ob at that time and were extremely contagious! However, I guess if you disclosed.....you did your part.

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He didn't seem that into me this morning, I had to ask him for his #, he didn't ask me.

If you were just looking to get laid, why did you need to ask for his number? I may be wrong here but I'm guessing you were hoping for at least a *little* something more than a quick hook-up....in which case if you had sex and then he didn't ask for your number, don't you think it would have been more upsetting?

 

 

 

 

The guy from the other night texted me tonight. I opened up the text and it was a dick pic lol. I wanted to have sex with him so bad the other night. If he does end up wanting to meet up would it be better to tell him about herpes through texing or a call, or if I meet him in person over drinks? He went quiet an hour ago after I texted him last asking how his weekend was.

 

Everything I'm liking about this guy is purely superficial at this point like, he was hot, had a nice apartment in Manhattan and even though we didn't have sex I knew from the other night we were clicking sexually. This is mostly why I didn't want to leave without his # the other morning.

 

Fuck herpes don't ruin my chances argh!!

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@Hippyherpy I read one of your posts that said you had an actual ob at the time you were with a girl (you wore a condom) and you saId basically she grinded on you with her clit .....I know you likely disclosed you had herpies, but I can't help but wonder if you told her you were having an ob at that time and were extremely contagious! However, I guess if you disclosed.....you did your part.

 

No, I had had my first outbreak and sores had already popped and it they had been healing up for a while. There were no scabs or anything, but still there was temporary scarring. The girl doesn't haven't it.

 

 

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He didn't seem that into me this morning, I had to ask him for his #, he didn't ask me.

If you were just looking to get laid, why did you need to ask for his number? I may be wrong here but I'm guessing you were hoping for at least a *little* something more than a quick hook-up....in which case if you had sex and then he didn't ask for your number, don't you think it would have been more upsetting?

 

 

 

 

The guy from the other night texted me tonight. I opened up the text and it was a dick pic lol. I wanted to have sex with him so bad the other night. If he does end up wanting to meet up would it be better to tell him about herpes through texing or a call, or if I meet him in person over drinks? He went quiet an hour ago after I texted him last asking how his weekend was.

 

Everything I'm liking about this guy is purely superficial at this point like, he was hot, had a nice apartment in Manhattan and even though we didn't have sex I knew from the other night we were clicking sexually. This is mostly why I didn't want to leave without his # the other morning.

 

Fuck herpes don't ruin my chances argh!!

 

 

Maybe he's got herpes as well. In NY it's 1/4 who have it.

 

if I were a girl, I wouldn't tell him over text but in person, probably right when we were going to bone. That worked on me, and it works for me often.

 

 

 

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@hippyherpy - You just never know. My least successful disclosure was in person and my most successful disclosures have been via text. I think there's something about giving a guy time and space to think about it, no pressure, that seems to help. And I feel better knowing the guy has put thought into it before acting.

 

Of course, it isn't all about the method of disclosure anyway. Some people will have a strong opinion one way or the other regardless of how you approach it.

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@hippyherpy - You just never know. My least successful disclosure was in person and my most successful disclosures have been via text. I think there's something about giving a guy time and space to think about it, no pressure, that seems to help. And I feel better knowing the guy has put thought into it before acting.

 

Of course, it isn't all about the method of disclosure anyway. Some people will have a strong opinion one way or the other regardless of how you approach it.

 

 

 

What do you say in your text disclosure? Example?

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@hippyherpy - I don't say the exact same thing every time but I can provide an example. If the text conversation moves into sexual territory and I feel like it's leading to an expectation that there is mutual sexual interest, I ask the person how they approach safe sex. (Even before I knew I was HSV+, I would feel guys about about condoms in this way because I've found that a lot of younger guys rely more on frequent testing and I want to be clear that I expect to use condoms.) If they don't mention testing, I'll ask if they've been tested recently. I will then tell them my own expectations about condoms and my own testing history, including HSV. I try to keep the HSV info fairly brief, telling them how it affects me, transmission risk (I don't go into percentages, just that a very small risk does exist), that I take antivirals to reduce risk of transmission. I tell them I don't want to bombard them with info but would be happy to answer any questions they may have. I tell them they're welcome to take some time to process what I've told them. I let them steer the convo from there.

 

One really cool thing I've discovered in doing this is that the other person will typically respond by disclosing something they would not have otherwise disclosed.

 

Full disclosure: Maybe this approach makes more sense in a case like mine where I'm actively avoiding one-nighters and only really interested in ongoing FWB situations or traditional dating. It sounds like you're usually thinking strictly of that evening. Those days are long gone for me. :)

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Rather than asking about their sexual practices and tests like optimist I was thinking more of a simple," Hey, if you want to get together again, I think you should know..I have this. 1 in 4 people here have it, I got it wearing a condom..and I'm giving you a choice I didn't have. Everything we did the other night..you should be ok."

 

I figured the worst case scenario over text would be...he doesn't text back. In person in a bar or at his place he could walk out on me or ask me to leave and I'd be sad in public.

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Hello everyone.

 

After my May 25 call to action, I'd be remiss not to share an update.

 

Friday I went out with many friends to a bar. The night went on and on, but as my friend circle started to wane, my roommate and I invited the few who were left back to our house to continue drinking.

 

After many hours of lively discussions, it was time for bed. But one girl who was there - a friend of a friend whom I'd never met before - was certainly interested in me. Pre-H this would have been a no-brainer.

 

So we walk away from the others and start making out. I invite her in to my room. After a few more kisses I disclose.

 

And here's where I'd like to make a plea for others to quote exactly what they said. I know, I know, every situation is different. But if people can share their scripts, adaptations and all, it could serve useful for others in the future. I'm surprised, actually, that with all the thousands of pages of disclosure discussions on here, people don't do that more often.

 

But I digress.

 

I told her "I just want to let you know that the chances of transmission are very low, especially since I am on medication, but I have tested positive for genital herpes. I'm not having an outbreak now. Actually, I've never had one."

 

She didn't have any reaction, just like I had told her my back ached or something like that. But she did reply "okay. I don't think I'm ready for sex anyway," which I think she would have said regardless of the H.

 

We continued making out, jumped in the sack, and did "manual stimulation" (yes, I was careful not to touch my penis and then her vagina).

 

About an hour later we woke up and did it again. Then she asked me "if we were to have sex, how would you do it?" (it a way more vulgar way than that but this is actually a bit embarrassing, even for the internet!).

 

About three sentences in of me explaining what I'd do to her, she told me to put on a condom.

 

So success! After four long months of wondering if I'd ever have sex again, it's clear to me that I will, almost as much as I want.

 

And for those concerned because we were both drunk: the next morning, as she was leaving, I said "we should do that again some time." She said "definitely." And we are still in text contact.

 

If you've seen my other posts you'll know I'm a quantitative person, so here's my score sheet:

 

Girlfriend disclosures: 1/1 (100% success rate)

Third-date disclosures: 1/0 (0% success rate)

One-night stand disclosures: 1/1 (100% success rate)

 

Hopefully I'll be able to update more soon, so we can start getting actual numbers.

 

Another thing @hippyherpy has mentioned that I think is important for those in our situation: yes, your chances may be lower. Yes, you may get fewer "yes's." But that can be rectified by just trying more often. For me this has taken the form of dating multiple women at once. Yes, it is exhausting. Yes, I'd prefer to pick one and really try to make it work. But unfortunately, I think you need to keep the next one on the back-burner so that if the one you really like can't get past the disclosure, there are others to look forward to and you don't suffer an emotional setback.

 

So for me at this point I have four women I'm going out on dates with per week. They are all really great and if I didn't have the H I'd actually be worried about having to pick one. So in some weird positive on this whole thing, it's likely that the H will do some picking for me.

 

I'll be sure to send an update as this story develops.

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My man, good for you.

 

Go back and read my detailed breakdown in this thread of my "script".

 

I would avoid using the word "just" because it sounds like you are trying soften things. Disclosure is suppose to be the truth moment, so keep it simple and too the point "I want to tell you something. I have herpes. Do you know anything about that?"

 

If she says yes you can ask her what she knows, and if she says no then you can give her the info. I make it clear that while most people don't need to take anything for it, I take a pill that makes it much less likely for me to give it to her (because I'm a little OCD).

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@hippyherpy - you said waaay above that some docters have told you not to disclose until a serious relationship is a

in sight. but this runs the risk of the chic freaking out on you (possibly legally) once she finds out you have been sleeping with her when dating casually without having disclosed, exposing her to that risk without her consent.

 

have you, or anyone, disclosed after sleeping with someone and how did it go?

 

i myself have disclosed to about 6 would be partners ( none in the moment) and only 1 chose not to be sexual with me (though it was overall positive as she expressed a lot of respect, still went out w me that night and even slept w me (no sex) and all that and only let me down later with the ole "I'm dating someone else now" but of course i wonder how much my GHSV2 (rarely any outbreaks and on acylcover) affected her choice as we most definately would have banged were it not for my refusing her prior to disclosure.

 

since then unfortunately, iv slipped back into the ways of non disclosure. like hippy i am into the "casual" and even swing lifestyle (though i havent done the latter officially yet). though i am always on meds, rarely get outbreaks, and (almost) always wear a condom, i have not been disclosing lately and feel terrible despite the risks being low. simply bc i do not know at any given time if i am shedding. also, the condom is a mute point for herpes specific risk reduction (though still for others risks yes i know) bc my exposure was on my scrotum.

 

like i said i feel really shitty (like its the worst thing iv ever done and continue to do kind of shitty) about this especially the longer the casual hookup scenario plays out. my understanding is that risk of transmission is reduced to 5% with me as i dont factor in the condom affect. i also dont want to have to belabour the point about how a condum wont reduce the risk (for herpes) for fear of freaking them out more. in the past, iv just said the meds and the 5% bit (unless its a more drawn out convo).

 

but is the 5% for two sexually active regular partners over the course of a year?? my understanding was that it was for any sexual encounter, it would have that risk associated with it. if the former, it implies that the risk is much lower for casual encounters.

 

in short, am i needlessly feeling guilty for non disclosures in these encounters? and second, has anyone disclosed after the act?

 

i feel much better for having disclosed, and have had generally positive experiences, though i have never tried in a casual scenerio for fear of rejection and bc of the anonymity being casual provides.

 

 

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I've yet to not disclose.

 

In some ways I see it as a point of pride to do it. By not disclosing, you are making a bigger deal about herpes in a way than you would be if you did disclose.

 

That's my mindset. It's not a big deal. I disclose because I don't need extra drama from the girl or from myself.

 

Also, there is something about knowing that I will have to disclose that I think has helped my game in some ways. It's caused me to take things a little more steadily than before I had herpes. I still have fun and do things in the moment, but having a little secret in the back of your mind can actually help the mating ritual in some ways.

 

Basically I disclose because it's polite (at the very least).

 

If they freak out, I tell them to I wouldn't have let things get so far if I thought there was a big risk that they'd get it from me.

 

The logic of that needs time to sink sometimes. Why would this guy tell me this?

 

In a way, disclosing you have herpes sort of forces the person to trust you, because it's thought to be such a personal and stigmatized thing. If they can trust me from that, then they probably trust me when I tell them that risk is very low (which it is) and that I wouldn't put them in harms way if I thought there was a good chance of them getting it from me.

 

I also tell them that I've even had girlfriends and we did it raw and they didn't get it from me. This might not be the case for you, but I think it's ok to say that because it's true for me.

 

 

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Thanks @Herpeppotomus for joining in on this thing. As I said before but perhaps in another way - this forum is full of so many people helping each other, but one place that's lacking is those younger men discussing how herpes has affected what younger men normally do. Now we have three on here, and we should be proud that we definitely will help people in similar situations in the future.

 

I guess I'm still new to this thing, so time will tell if I ever fall to the temptation of not disclosing. I will say that months ago, before I had joined this forum or anything else, I had a phone discussion with a leader in the herpes community of a large city, and he told me "almost every one slips up. So don't beat yourself up once it happens. Just move on, recognize your human, and try not to do it again."

 

I replied "it is my goal to never not disclose."

 

And think there's a lot to that. Sure, you don't have to disclose. No one will probably ever know. But you will.

 

And it doesn't look like you are having too much trouble. 5/6 are some great stats. As I stated in my above post, I'm 0/1 in "would be partners (none in the moment)," so if I "revert to the mean" of you and @hippyherpy, I have a lot to look forward to.

 

And at least where I sit now, I think we can have our cake and eat it too. If you have a reasonable amount of "game," which it's clear you do, you can have sex somewhat regularly while still disclosing. I know this is a judgement free zone, but the hell with it - this makes you better than the average dude. Not disclosing at best makes you like every other guy with his dick in his hand at the bar.

 

Regarding the risk, remember that the 10% number is per year, assuming no condoms, no medications, sex twice a week, but also avoiding outbreaks. The 5% you are giving is probably all that with condoms, and then we get to about 2% with antivirals. But there are huge differences that can really change the numbers. I'm no expert on this exact disease, but a good example is if you get really kinky in your one night stands, that's probably more rough than what a couple who is having sex twice a week is doing, and therefore the per-exposure risk goes up. Likewise, if you have sex multiple times in one night (I don't know about you, but I still got it!), chances are you are chafing and again increasing the risk. I know it's tough to hear, but I'm fairly confident one-night-stand sex is higher risk than what a couple who's been together for ten years has (I shudder at how non-scientific I've become in this conversation. What's needed is a hazard ratio with a p-value. But once again, no matter).

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Game (which includes confidence and lifestyle or anything that could make you attractive to women) usually beats herpes. That has been proven here in this thread.

 

I think it's important for people to not use herpes as an excuse to live the life of a victim. Its just a skin condition that doesn't even really effect most people who have it.

 

I can tell you that if you are so worried about losing the chick that you don't disclose, that's a sign that you have to get your game together more and has nothing to do with herpes. Regardless of herpes, a man has to be cool with a woman declining sex. If you live a life of abundance, then one woman's rejection (due to herpes or anything else) is a drop in the bucket.

 

Now that we have this thread, we've proven that casual sex is not only possible with disclosure, but that the results are repeatable and almost every time I've disclosed, it's worked out. Since I've been diagnosed last fall, I've had around or over twenty disclosures that led to sex. There were maybe four or five rejections (three of them were over text with girls I never met). That ain't bad odds at all, and there are many other things besides herpes that could cause rejections more frequently.

 

First it was me on this thread, and now the world can see that my results are not intrinsic to only me as we have more people sharing these kinds of stories.

 

 

My advice to anyone who has herpes is to get your presentation to be as good as you can make it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@hippyherpy and @aep001 - yes i definitely agree that disclosing actually can help your game because in disclosing you are being self effacing and vulnerable, and these things garner trust. hence, my 5/6 more or less success rate. i was doing good disclosing for a while and fell off the wagon. I have to get on it again.

 

On another note, I am currently in Brazil and don't know what kind of social stigma exists around this issue here. Anyone know?

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Wow. I'm super jealous that you are in Brazil. That is one of my favorite places that I've visited.

 

For some reason I was under the impression that Brazil had higher herpes rates. I'll paste the relevant text from this paper below, which seems to indicate Brazil has around the same HSV2 frequency as the US, but again, it's complicated.

 

My experience in Brazil is that people are very warm, friendly, and laid back. I had not been tested for the H when I visited, so I can't specifically advise you on disclosure there. But I did not have a problem meeting women, so if that converts, like @hippyherpy said, I'd anticipate your disclosure success rate would be higher. But it's just a guess. Let us know!

In Brazil, the seroepidemiology of HSV-2 has been assessed with a type-specific test only in few studies in limited populations, mainly in the states of São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro. Several studies with adolescents, pregnant or not pregnant women, and blood donors found a seroprevalence of anti-HSV-2 ranging between 22.6% and 42%. In one study, the control group of a cervical cancer study in São Paulo (N=181) and the Philippines (N=371) showed a prevalence of HSV-2 of 42% in Brazilian women and of only 9.2% in the Philippines.19 In contrast, the seroprevalence of HSV-2 in our study was 23.8% in same-age women. Another study was conducted in the city of Campinas in three different populations (students, pregnant women, individuals with an STD), and the seroprevalence of anti-HSV-2 was higher in patients with STDs (53.1%) and higher in men than women (63.5% vs. 40.9%, p &lt 0.05). In our study, 41.2% of those with a prior STD were HSV-2 positive compared to 11.1% of those without prior history of this disease, which confirms that prior history of STDs increases three to four times the risk of HSV-2 infection.

 

HSV-2 infection is most often asymptomatic. In the Campinas study, only 4.3% of pregnant women and 21.6% of STD patients who were positive for HSV-2 had a prior clinical history of genital herpes. In our study, the sensitivity of prior clinical history of genital herpes to identify HSV-2 positive individuals was 2.2% in the general population and 14.3% in those with prior history of STDs. Therefore, epidemiological studies of HSV that base their conclusions on prior history of genital herpes may largely underestimate the magnitude of this problem.

 

Note: US HSV2 rates are here: http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats14/figures/54.htm

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Yay

 

I disclosed and the girl told me she also has it. Been waiting for this to happen. She mentioned that the meds didn't help her and might have actually made it worse. Does that mean she's got a different type of herpes or is it just her body's reaction?

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I think that would just be her bodys reaction. Each pregnancy they put me on antivirals. Valtrex the first two. No issues. The last one they changed it to something else (can't remember which now, but it was a 3xs a day thing) and it seemed to irritate me. Actually made me feel like it was putting me into an outbreak. I quit taking them, and the issues went away.

 

Did you go raw since she was also positive? Yep, I'm nosy lol.

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