Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Tips for Disclosing


Recommended Posts

Hi All--

 

I've been chatting with someone I've met online and I'm excited to see where this relationship goes. We've been on 1 date (and a second in the works) so I'm not ready to disclose just yet, but if things continue to go well, I know I'll have to have "the talk". This is the first person I've had to disclose to post-diagonsis and I was hoping for some good pointers on having the talk. I've downloaded Adrial's fact sheet on disclosure and there are some great facts I want to include in my talk, but I was hoping to hear others experiences on what to do (or NOT to do).

 

Thanks in advance!!

 

 

Link to comment

Well, do not say it w shame, but rather w your chin up and matter of factly. You don't ever let anyone, even if you feel that way inside, see you are ashamed of having it.

 

I know easier said than done, but I learned after dating a few not long after I got H, how much time I wasted worrying about this disclosure talk. Usually you find by the 3rd date often, that maybe you and this person are as good as a match as you initially thought and end things.. Then you realize you stressed over itthe entire time for no reason. So focus on the present and worry about the disclosure when it seems things are going to lead in that direction.

Link to comment

Thanks 2Legit! I definitely want to see where things go first. And you're absolutely right about not being ashamed- it's more common that people talk about and it really doesn't interfere with my life! I know with the right person it wont even matter...just the matter of finding that right one : ) Thanks again!

Link to comment

Hi designergal,

 

I can only offer you my experiences. I was diagnosed with HSV2 in Oct 2012. I have disclosed more than a few times and have had 2 short term relationships and a couple of one nighters. (all were disclosed before with the exception of 1) You will stumble and fall the first time the second time and the third time... but you will get back up. The disclosure will never be perfect. The key is being confident in who you are and the fact that you are a carrier of the virus without shame.

 

What I did to overcome the shame is “Practice Disclosures". I went online (dating sites) and started conversations with ppl. Ppl I was interested in and ppl I was not interested in. I disclosed sometimes after a few exchanges, sometimes right away, sometimes not until I met them in person on a first date, sometimes not at all. There is no perfect timing but what I did learn is its a lot easier to disclose when you don’t have a vested interest in the outcome!

 

I no longer take it personally what their response is? I’ve had men walk away from me, I’ve had them say “they didn’t want to take the risk” I’ve had them ask questions and want more info. I’ve had them thank me for my honestly and integrity and I’ve had them say "No big deal we can use condoms right!?”

 

I’ve disclosed over text and in person, I rarely wait until a 2nd or 3rd date as I like to get it out in the open.

My opinion is they will react the way they react regardless of how long or short of a time that you’ve known them. The only difference is knowing them longer is you hope they have a vested interest and the result will be positive?

Not necessarily! One guy I got to know a bit before disclosing got very pissed off because he thought I was hiding the fact that I had H and was lying to him. Seriously!

 

I can’t say this enough they will react how they react regardless of how long you’ve waited or have known them, its who they are. They will show you their true colors instantly!! Yes “H” acts as a fabulous filter, to filter out ppl who are not supposed to be in your life. To share a quick story I met someone on Tinder (in the summer) and we met in person for drinks I really liked him and I disclosed. He was very understanding and appreciative for me being honest with him. We had a fabulous evening then I never heard from him again (I did not sleep with him). Then chalked it up to "I have H and he’s not interested.”

A couple of days ago I matched with him on Tinder again. I sent him a msg saying “ Hi Im happy we matched again” the next day he unmatched me. I knew his last name from our previous meeting and looked him up on FB only to find out that he is “in a relationship” He couldn’t face the fact that he lacked honesty and integrity and was cheating! and that could have been me he was cheating on?!?

Thank you H for being the filter/wingman that you are and saving me from that heartbreak. I also have many other stories that H has proven to be an awesome filter but just wanted to share this one.

 

So the best tip I can give you is "Practice Disclosing” on ppl in online conversations, and in person. Practice on ppl you don’t have a vested interest in the outcome just to get over the fear of telling someone and when you do it enough times, that fear and shame will go away and you can fully embrace your confidence in who you are and bring your awesomeness forward!

 

Also as a side note I’m not fully out of the closet when it comes to telling family and only a couple of my closest friends know.

But conversations with men “potential" and “not". I got this!! and you will to!

 

aimee

 

Link to comment

I'm dealing with some personal family issues so I'm going to have to paste in my "generic" sample disclosure reply... but also, one of the best things is to read all the Success Stories that you can as there's a TON of great stories about all the different ways people have gone about disclosing.... and the thing to realize is they all ended up with a Successful Outcome! Point being, there is no one right way or time to do it. We say it's best to be confident and well informed, but I've seen stories where the person was a wreck and the other person just wanted to reassure them it was ok even tho they made it sound like they had the plague...LOL. Bottom line is, get informed, and just do your best to not take a "rejection" (if you get that result) as anything personal, because it's not. We all have our deal breakers. This is just one of many reasons someone may walk away. Nothing more :)

 

I don’t need someone who says “I love you, BUT…”, I want someone who says “I love you regardless”.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

Sample Disclosure talks:

 

Disclosing GHSV2 - "I want to start this relationship with honesty and openness…. so I have something to tell you. You know the cold sores people get on their lips? I get a similar thing down there. Both are the Herpes virus. If I take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms, and we don't touch me when I have any signs, we can reduce the risk of you getting it down to less than 2% ... If we use both it would be less than 1%. Given that 80% of people have herpes, you may have it and not know unless you specifically asked for the test anyway. I really like you and if we get physical I will do everything in my power to keep you from getting it. And in a way, I am safer than most because I KNOW I have it and how to manage it. Most people like me got it from someone that didn't know they have it or we were lied to.

 

Disclosing GHSV1 : Simplest way is to say "You know the cold sores people get on their lip? I get them down there. So if you've had a cold sore, you may have the antibodies and it would be difficult for you to get it from me. If you are not sure, then we need to be careful ... HSV1 doesn't shed much but I can take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms until you get tested. 80% of people have HSV1 so you may have it and not know" …so it would be best if you get tested first so you know for sure. Here's a handout that has some statistics if you are interested...

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...