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A Reality Check Moment


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Hi gang I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 2 months ago. I sometimes get depressed thinking about this is an incurable disease I'll have to live with the rest of my life. I'm one who couldn't make it without taking Valtrex daily. I tried, even if i'm just a few hours late itching and tingling return, but with valtrex it's completely gone. I felt bad, my body wasn't so hot at fighting it off on it's own. Now I was here with this incurable disease. How sucky.

 

Then I got to work today and a coworker confided that she had been diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. This is a cancer that has no cure. She'll have to be on and off treatment with cancer drugs the rest of her life. Even if she goes into remission, pretty much every person will relapse over and over for years. She's not fighting a stigma or something she can just take valtrex and forget, she's fighting for her life...forever. This cancer predisposes her so even if she wins against this one, it's very likely she'll develop another type somewhere else.

 

After that I just thought what am I really so upset about? A stigma where my friends and family have accepted it and moved on? The worry about having sex again? Already did. Herpes isn't going to kill me, no one is going to give a prediction over how many years or months i have because of it. Herpes won't stand in the way of me having a family. It won't put me through chemo and radiation. It doesn't mean I'm saying it's a walk in the park for all I understand how it's ruined some people's lives. I'm just thinking no I don't have to look at my partner and say I may die from this, will you stay by me? I don't have to even worry if Valtrex will hurt a baby I carry, she'll worry about chemo and radiation and carrying a baby. So many worries that I really don't have with H. I just felt like, what am I worried about. Then I realized how very few worries I actually had.

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I'm just thinking no I don't have to look at my partner and say I may die from this, will you stay by me?

 

Amazing how something like this can shift your perspective in an instant. Too bad it often takes someone else's tragedy for us to see how our stuff (Herpes or otherwise) really IS small stuff by comparison.

 

I pulled out the quote above to point out again that Disclosure comes in sooo many shapes and sizes.... STD's are not the only thing people have to "disclose" about - not the only thing people will agonize over because they know that people may "reject" them once they know. Imagine being Transgendered. Having been through Bankruptcy. Being infertile. Having a handicapped child, or an elderly parent at home that you have to care for (I may well be in the latter boat soon).

 

There are sooo many things that *might* cause someone to choose to not be involved with us. And you know what? First, it's their right, their choice (I have my list of deal breakers so I can't talk!), and second, it's their loss (and I know that I may miss out on a really great person due to those deal breakers). And, that's life.

 

We make choices and live with the results. And sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we have to learn how to CHOOSE to live with that "New Reality". The best way to start dealing is to realize what you are grateful for.... even with Cancer, your friend likely has a lot of great things that she can choose to see and use to lift her up when she's struggling with her diagnosis. Sure, she likely will have some really rough moments, but that is even more reason to live fully in every good moment that she has in between the relapses. She will need friends like you to be there for her as a gentle place to fall. You of all people will be able to understand her fears when it comes to how her diagnosis may affect her relationships ... Many people won't "get" that part of her struggle....so I hope you can let her know that if she needs to talk about that part, you are there for her.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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You're so welcome for sharing!

 

Actually today at lunch we were talking and she said something about you won't be my friend anymore because I have Leukemia. I told her you're not leukemia. We're still friends whether you have leukemia or not. I just knew how horrible that feeling could be...who will still stay around? It's scary, and i just hope to be there.

 

I also realized I have dealbreakers too. I thought, I've been rejected and lost count of the men who didn't want a woman working a fulltime job and trying to go to grad school. I used to not bring up being in grad school until later, because I noticed a few attitudes cooled when they realized I really wouldn't be available, and though i'd make time...i can't always be spontaneous. @Dancer you're so correct! There are sooo many different things we disclose. I even realized when I 'disclosed' I was thinking of getting a cat to my current totally supportive male friend, he was more ready to opt of the romantic side to due an extreme allergy of cats than he was willing to opt out for herpes. H is just one more thing to talk about before getting involved, but the list is already pretty long of things to disclose anyway.

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