Looking For Advice

[evergreen]

I have had herpes 19 years, I am 46 now. Wasn't confirmed till recently because my first episode the sample got contaminated and they were unable to confirm but I knew what it was. Got it from my husband, my boyfriend at the time. He died 18 months ago from cancer. The grief was the hardest part and having the herpes virus left me feeling all those nasty thoughts too. Not so much that I was shameful or dirty just that it would be hard to find some one else. I am feeling better about things now, except the part about finding some one else. I've always known what I wanted and go in that direction, that's how I got my husband, and now I feel like with H, can I be that same person? Or do I need to wait for some one to approach me. I've also read a lot on here about getting to know some one first before you disclose and I realize that the other person could be really hurt too if you wait and they have invested the time in you especially if they really have feelings for you. I am honest to the core. This is a major conflict for me in this situation and understanding other peoples fears gives me empathy for them. There is this guy I am interested in and I believe he is rather shy. I do talk to him and ask him for help with my jeep when I need information or other things I can come up with. Keep hoping he will ask me to have drinks and he doesn't. Maybe he's not interested, I don't know and I would like to find out. I know that drinks don't lead to intimacy and I don't want to lead anybody on. Don't get me wrong I am not immune to feeling bad about it, I've just learned that life needs to be lived not thought about.

[mr_hopp]

Hi evergreeen and welcome to the forums! Good to have you here. I feel your pain and your confusion with all this. Big hugs all around. The part that really impacted me is you wondering if you can be the same person now that you have herpes? What makes you think that you have changed as a person?

 

And your question around when to have the herpes disclosure talk is discussed here and in a video I recorded. It's a happy medium, and best to be felt out in the moment as you're getting to know someone. There is no hard and fast answer to when to have the herpes talk. Trust your gut and your heart. They know best. ;) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/

 

Have you downloaded the e-book and the 2 handouts yet? Those are chock-full of good stuff:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP (free e-book)

http://herpeslife.com/resources/ (free handouts)

 

[abbyroad78]

Hi Evergreen, thank you so much for sharing your story and I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. I wish I had some really great advice about whether or not the man you mentioned is interested... you could possibly ask him if he would want to go out for a drink. It sounds like he is willing to be your friend. The more you talk to him and spend time with him, the more you will find out how he feels about certain issues. I have had the same thoughts about not wanting to lead anyone one, however, you deserve for someone to want to get to know you for you. ( I also realize this is a almost a month overdue... I am new to the site. ) I have also struggled with when to tell someone. It really depends on what you want out of a relationship and who it is you are telling. Red flags to look for on who not to tell, would be a basic insensitivity towards people and crude remarks made at other peoples expense... you can find these things out about a person over a couple of dinners... I hope I am not out of line. Good Luck to you!!