Signed up for a dating site — pre-disclosed that I have herpes :)

[brighteyes (previously Unh]

So, I decided to get back into the dating game only a few days ago. I know it's silly, but I'm really worried about meeting someone the old fashioned way and THEN having to tell them about h. I guess because this is all pretty new to me, I'm not sure when the "right" time would be....or how the rejection might feel (should that even happen). How will I know if I never put myself out there? Mr Right might be right there waiting for me and I'm not giving him a chance....or Mr Wrong could be there waiting to break into a sprint as if there were a hungry grizzly bear chasing him. I'm not quite ready to take that chance yet, so, I opted for a dating site of the non h persuasion.

 

I wondered...how am I going to do this? I decided to put it right in my profile...I have hsv. I didn't post a picture (I'm from a small city where I know a lot of people), but I did talk positively about myself and figured that I would allow them to come to me. At least it's out there and they can decide for themselves if they want to get to know me better.

I used to be on the same site prior to finding out about h, and I used to get the CRAZIEST messages from every pervert and psycho that roamed the city streets. I had a picture posted and I used to get anywhere from 40-50 messages a day.....95% of which I wouldn't even bother responding to.

 

This time was different. I got a SURPRISING amount of messages from men who were not only willing to get to know me better, but thanked me for being so honest. Do you want to guess what kind of messages I didn't get? All of the pervy, sick messages were gone. It filtered out every single guy who was just looking for a quick lay and left me with a great pool of genuinely nice guys who think H is about as big of a deal as driving to the grocery store....and who think I'm a pretty great gal for being so upfront and honest. I'll post a copy of my profile below, just to give you all a little idea of how I went about disclosing to an entire dating site LOL. Ok here's my profile (long winded...but worth the read lol).

 

PROFILE

So because I'm a no bs kinda gal...and because I hate getting people's hopes up (including my own)...I figured "what the hell", I'll just put it out there so we can avoid any future awkward conversations (this online thing is awkward enough lol). I have hsv, I'm not going to post a sob story on here in hopes of some pity party, but will gladly share if you want to hear it. I guess you can thank me in advance for being straight up...at least you know that I have integrity and that I'm not a liar (can you say the same for some of the other women you chat with on here? Most of them are probably dudes lol.)

 

Here's the deal...for obvious reasons, I'm not looking for intimate encounters, or a fly by night type of deal. I'm also not looking to get married any time soon, but I am looking for someone who sees past a set of breasts and sees me for the awesome person I am. P.S. This takes a huge set of proverbial balls.

 

I am a cool, attractive, educated, caring, animal loving, have a good time kind of girl. I love to laugh and act foolish. I'm super stubborn at times, but I'm also able to admit when I'm wrong. I have wicked cool friends and an amazing family. I like to keep more active and eat healthier than I once did. Here's what I am not....I am not hsv. It doesn't define nor describe me in any way, shape or form. I am also not a leper....contrary to popular belief lol.

 

If you're still reading this....awesome lol...if you want to message, feel free. I have pics, but don't post for obvious reasons. I mean, I'm cool with the herpes thing, but I do try to leave the house every day without my neon sign and scarlet 'H' letter. Lol

 

THE END

 

I just started talking to this seemingly great guy. He asked about the risks and I sent him the post disclosure handout that Adrial had posted....he feels he has a higher risk of getting hit by a bus hahaha. He said "That's not so scary at all".

 

Don't give up, love yourselves, and let others love you too.

Big hugs to all!!!

 

BrightEyes :)

[ZoriahS]

That's so awesome. I find that very reassuring. I'm not quite ready to take that step. I was just diagnosed and I'd like to pass the 6 month mark to put my mind at ease. It can be scary being so upfront and honest and worried about being rejected by total strangers! So brave of you - so kudos =D>

[Judith]

hehe,

well that was great way to intodruce yourself.Very honest and in a lovely way.They guy know what you have and he is right.....probably he got hit by bus first before you would give it to him....so maybe you should meet him at one point for coffee, who knows what happen :)

well some friend without herpes are on this websites too and they get the same crazy ,pervert messages like you...i think thats normal on all dating sites.Most people dont search love ,they search for sex.....so avoid that stupid messages.Good luck

[lelani]

Love it Brighteyes! You are funny, honest, open and I think its a great profile - it will sift out the riff raff and save you a lot of hassle! I think its awesome and great you posted it here...loved reading it, it made me smile and think what a cool woman you are - I think guys will see the same thing :)

[dimples88]

Great idea!!!! I like online dating, but often times I get messages from pervs. If I didn't have HSV I would probably have more casual sex, but now this makes me take things slower and really see what a guy is all about. I'm going on a date with someone from online tomorrow, so I shall see what he's all about. :-) As of now, I will only have the talk (in person) , if I see any potential, but no luck yet. I think will try something similar in the future. Good luck!!

 

 

[smilesfordani]

I LOVE this post! So happy for you!! I'm in a long term relationship now with my boyfriend that I met the "traditional way" I guess haha. But it is so refreshing to see that people are able to put the fact they're positive out there and not get judged by the ignorance that provokes the stigma around H! :) Especially in a non std related dating website. I'm so excited to see this, and if things ever go south with the bf (I pray to god they don't because he's my knight in shining armor!) this is definitely something to consider. Thank you for posting this!

[abbyroad78]

Congratulations on such a brave step. I might try that approach. I am so tired of the disclosure talk and the pervs! Lol!! I think that is awesome!

[Jess1981]

I think I love you...LMAO... I am also thinking about stealing your dating profile, THE WHOLE THING! I think we might be the same person... :) Kudos to you and good luck in your pursuit. I definitely have to find a new approach. I have told 3 people and all I know is A) I might be a virgin it's been so long since I've done the deed and B) I don't ever want to have the talk again. So humiliating and not doing wonders for my self worth ;)

 

[Jess1981]

P.S. I live in a VERY small town too and I am soooooooo happy I found this site to get at least a little bit of support! There is only one person in 9 years that I have trusted with the info and she is very supportive and non-judgemental but I need more support and don't feel like I can tell anyone else that is close to me. I just don't want to deal with people having the knowledge and treating me differently. :(

 

[abbyroad78]

Hi Jess1981 and brighteyes, I am glad I found this site as well. I have had HSV for almost 7 years, I didn't think I would make it this far, but life goes on. I have just now been able to have conversation about it on this Forum. Before, I would just research information online in secret, after everyone went to sleep for fear of someone finding out. Most of my friends know, my mother, my sister... I have also told several potential dates, most of which accepted it. Of course, I haven't found the one I will marry, but not because of h. I have recently joined two dating sites. One for HSV and HPV, and another that is non-h. I typed in keywords for the non-h site such as "herpes" or "hsv", and only a few members actually put this on their profile. However, with that being said, that means that their are men and women on these sites with herpes and are not disclosing online. I have considered disclosing online, for several reasons, 1. it makes the "talk" for the first time a little easier, 2. It would defiantly ward off men who only want sex, and 3. it may bring a new outlook on herpes and change some of the stigmas attached to it.

As far as the h-site, again, very few people are willing to admit they have herpes, so the dating pool is still shallow, at least in my neck of the woods. Lol. Wish me luck!!

[brighteyes (previously Unh]

Hey folks! Glad you enjoyed the post :). I figured I should update you on the whole online dating thing and how it's been going. Had a few great dates, but nobody I see myself with long term...which is fine, because I'm still a bit guarded over my feelings and I'm testing the waters a bit. Disclosing so publicly on a dating site has definitely helped me avoid the men just looking for a quick romp...although, there's still some guys who want to get it in with anything that breathes and still offer it up. This is alarming to me because they are also, no doubt, the guys who would continue to sleep with other women long after me and never disclose.

 

I have gotten tons of messages from men who are just happy that there's honesty oozing out of me...brutal honesty at times. I've learned how incredibly uneducated some people are when it comes to H and I love that they ask questions and give me the opportunity to try to erase the stigma...even if it is one person at a time. Gotta start somewhere right?!

 

Soooo, in saying that, I had an ex come back into my life a few days ago...and online dating may be a thing of the past (my profile is yours to use Jess!! Lol). We have history going back about 10years. I told him when I was first diagnosed because he was always my rock to lean on when times got tough (even when we were both seeing other people)...Our timing just never happened to be right. I thought the news would surely disgust him, and change the relationship we had let slip through our fingers time and time again. He now lives on the other side of the country :-S (of course he does lol). I get a 2am msg a few nights ago asking me to move out there so we can deal with H together, because if we're going to be together, H doesn't make a lick of difference (he says that's how much he misses me). He's an exceptional man...and I have some BIG decisions to make.

 

Don't limit yourselves to hsv sites..why would you? As long as you're being honest with the people you date, and doing all you can to protect them, there is NOTHING wrong with dating people without h...they're grown ups, it's up to them to decide whether or not they're going to pass up wonderful you for a skin condition. I'd love to see the expression on someone's face if you looked at them in terror and disgust and said to them "ugh, you have psoriasis, I would NEVER date someone with THAT!". Foolishness!

[lelani]

Brighteyes you shine so bright...I just love this and am sooooo happy for you. I am right now doing the same thing...moving to another part of the country to be with an exceptional man who thinks Herpes doesn't make a lick of difference - he loves me. Exceptional people are worth exploring a future with :-).

 

I agree with not limiting yourself online and being honest from the outset saves a whole lot of drama! I couldn't be that out there in my country as I am very well known and I didn't want my personal stuff to affect my kids. But I am always honest from the outset with anyone I have dated and with people who know and love me, including my kids. My friends all laugh at how out there I am. But it educates people, helps destroy the stigma and personally it gives me power - it's not always easy but soooo worth it!

 

I hope you go for it with this man, you have history, he has been there for you and he obviously loves you. Life is too short to not try. Sending you good decision making thoughts. xxxxxx

[Atlantic]

BrightEyes, that's awesome to hear. Your strength and great attitude is apparent in your posts, and it obviously is apparent to this guy as well. No wonder he wants you back.

 

Wish you the best with your relationship!

[ellemmell (previously effe]

Unfortunately I don't really like meeting people through dating sites. I don't know if I would disclose because I'm scared of what people might think of me if they already knew me. Obviously I'm just not strong enough--even though I wish I could be. My fear of being alone is so incredibly strong it's horrifying. Not to mention, people are always talking about how it's great to find a long-term partner and not just for a quick romp--but sometimes that's what I want. Am I wrong? I think it's because I already think a relationship won't work out long-term and a quick romp is all I can get. It's still better than being alone forever :( I've never had a relationship work out for more than a couple of years. Oh god, what will I do? I have a very high sex drive and find I have sex with people regardless of if I think it will be long-term or not just based on sexual chemistry or if I want to. I know I know "That's what gets me into this mess in the first place", but do I really deserve this disease? Some people sleep around and never get it :( Sorry to be a downer on this awesome post-- don't get my wrong BrightEyes, you are so wonderful and I really do wish I could be strong like you...I'm just trying to find a way how. I think it comes down to self-love. It's because I don't think I'm worth anything without anyone wanting me for sex. That's the problem. If I really loved myself, I wouldn't need so much outer validation. I know.

 

Anyway, I am so proud of you, I can see how hard it would be and it looks really really scary. I hope one day I can be as strong as you too. I heard whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I know this HAS to make me stronger, because it won't kill me. It just hurts so much right now, relationships is all I ever had to make me feel okay. Now every single crutch and comfort is being ripped away to reveal the horrible self covered in layers of denial, mess, and self-hatred. Anyway, sorry I'm getting depressing again, but I just wanted to let you know you ladies are fantastic.

 

Effemmell

[AllInADaysWork]

I am finding that even though rejection stings like a beeotch, once that feeling subsides you really do feel good about yourself for being honest and upfront. I do not want to be one of the people that helps add to this already full pool of h swimmers. Brighteyes I am glad that you are no longer an unhappy camper. I agree with Jess1981 that I may have to take some tidbits from your profile :D. I still really enjoy conventional dating and I guess I like the sting so much cause I still find people date them and tell them face to face. It is like a freight truck to the head afterward but I'm still alive and my heart is still intact. I guess I am building an arsenal of things to laugh about when I get older. :))