I keep messing up. Need advice.

[Harlow]

I've had sex since diagnosed with herpes, and have always used a condom and to my knowledge have not transmitted to anyone. But last saturday, I had sex while drunk. He didn't finish and I don't remember it really lasting that long when we both fell asleep. The next day i went to the bathroom and pulled out a condom (sorry if that's graphic) I am freaking out so much. The guy I slept with doesn't know that I have it and now, three days later I am feeling tingling sensations. I had been taking medicine off and on before hand ( I take generic acyclovir and you have to take it 3 times a day.. I sometimes forget)

 

I thought I was being careful by using a condom and now the worst situation happened. I keep making stupid decisions and I am digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole. I am so scared and overwhelmed with guilt. And I keep making these stupid mistakes. If he got it from me, I will never ever be able to live with myself. And he may tell people and have his reputation and mine ruined. I live in a college town and we have a lot of mutual friends.

 

I hate myself.

[Learningasigo]

Harlow, it's time to take control. I don't know about you, but no one gave me the right to choose HSV2 and its my sole mission not to make anyone else feel the way I felt upon diagnosis. I refuse to be as careless and thoughtless as the person who knew and didn't care or didn't know and hasn't been tested.

 

What's done is done but there is from this day forward. First and foremost herpes blood tests take approx 3-6 months to come back positive: that's because everyone's immune system and seroconversion rate is different (sero = blood, conversion = change aka the amount of time it takes for you to have enough antibodies fighting herpes in your blood to be detected and return a positive result)

 

I recommend the E book on disclosure as a starting place. You're not going to die, you just have a skin condition that pops up and is inconvenient from time to time... People died unexpectedly today in the war in Iraq, other were diagnosed with cancer, children died during birth, someone lost their battle with heart disease... The list goes on, we got off easy with this wake up call.

 

The worst situation has not "happened" you have to take responsibility for your part in the situation and understand and accept what your can do differently going forward. As discussed all over this site, herpes isn't the problem. It's the things we already think about ourselves that herpes causes to surface that are the problem.

 

Work on your self love and self kindness and the herpes will take its place in line with all the other dormant viruses in your body like the common cold, chicken pox, etc

 

I wish you luck. If you're taking meds as suppressive therapy it's typically 800mg/day (usually 2 pills 400 mg) each, but check with your health care provider. For me, the best help was understanding the inner workings of the virus, what the prodromal period is, what happens during that time, what a dermatome is, viral shedding, how to prevent outbreaks etc... Learn as much as you can. You'll hate yourself less once you have a true understanding of the herpes process within your body.

 

I'd recommend you abstain from sex until you're OK with your virus and ready to disclose - if you can't talk about it you definitely shouldn't be putting other people at risk. This is an epidemic, I encourage you to be part of the solution, not exacerbate the problem.

[whiteshadowcgb]

Learning- that is great advice. I think many people unknowingly receive this (count me in) I am still new and coping with all of the emotions and vow NEVER to have a relationship without disclosure. I don't wish the feelings I am having unto my worst enemy. "We" have the power to stop spreading this and "we" need to set aside selfish sexual acts with unknowing individuals. You never know what life is going to give you but I know I'm a better person than my 'giver' I'm honest.

 

"When you can't change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails"

[mr_hopp]

Hey Harlow, the truth is that even with a condom there's a chance that he can get herpes (2% chance if you're not taking daily suppressive therapy). Read this handout for all the details:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

And this ultimately is a conversation around integrity and who you know yourself to be. How would you want someone to handle this with you if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you want them to let you know even if there were a slight chance? Wouldn't that have you feeling taken care of and respected? (Even if it's not leading to a long-term relationship?) You're putting yourself at risk for getting whatever he may have, too, by not having the talk. Having the talk protects you just as much as him and it's working your muscle of integrity, honesty, respect. And I'm not judging you for this. When I first got herpes, I was petrified to have the talk and the first few times I had sex, I didn't tell her. But the guilt racked me, and I realized the alternative was better for myself and everyone else: For me to own up to my sexual responsibility. We all go through our own ways of coping, but take this as an opportunity to realize that having the courage to have the herpes talk has you making decisions in life that may be uncomfortable and difficult, but worth it.

 

Here's a good discussion on these boards about herpes and casual sex:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex/p1