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Why are people not willing to disclose?


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Dancer, no disrespect but you get way deep at times with your responses. One might as well forget ever having sex for the next 5 years after the first outbreak.

 

Don't know where you got that... certainly the first 6 months or so you may want to be extra cautious because the fact is, you WILL be shedding a lot more while your body is gaining control of the virus and developing antibodies. After that, it's just about being RESPONSIBLE in the bedroom.

 

I've had this for 35+ yrs. I kinda know a little about this virus. I've been on many forums and advised/supported many, MANY people. I've spend a LOT of hours every day on this forum keeping a general eye on things (because a forum like this can get out of control VERY fast... in fact, almost every time I'm gone for more than 2 days, the shit hits the fan *somewhere*...sigh...) I've seen the results of every approach to dealing with Herpes. I've lived through all kinds of changes in what we know about Herpes. So when I reply, it's coming from a place of experience that *most* on here don't have.

 

I also know that @Adrial believes that we should disclose. Anyone who is a Moderator on here is of that mindset. Our first and foremost intent is to make this a SAFE place for people to land. The second is that we believe in the policy of disclosure/honesty/transparency.

 

All that said, we are also VERY clear that we *should* be having beautiful, wonderful sex lives and we support a "sex positive" attitude. Part of being "sex positive" is NO SHAME. And part of disclosure is owning our situation and accepting that not everyone will be ok with it and being ok with that. It's a powerful place to live from. Never mind that you quickly weed out the real asshats and jerks out of your life because H will show you who someone REALLY is...LOL)

 

So, again, don't know where you got the idea that people shouldn't have sex for 5 yrs .... because believe me my friend, I am ALL for having a fulfilling, amazeballs, SAFE sex life!

 

 

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another question, when is it safe to have sex after an ob? I don't see any more open sores just pink dots that were once sores.

 

The general thought is that it's best to wait about 10 days after the OB has healed ... though I've found that the longer I have H, the faster my OB's not only heal, but the skin quickly gets back to normal much faster... so over time, you might be able to go down to 5 days...

 

AND

 

During that time, you have the PERFECT excuse to experiment to find other ways to get yer freak on with your partner, which can actually help you to develop a BETTER sex life than you might have had without H :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

 

http://www.herpes.org/whitepaper-alternatives-in-intimacy/

 

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should a person use a condom at all times or is it ok not to at times especially the first year?

 

During the first year, I would suggest that you use condoms... especially if you are having somewhat frequent OB's ... BUT ... and this is the big thing about our stance here ... it really is dependent on both your frequency of OB's, whether you are on the meds, and your partner's feelings about the situation. I *personally* always go on the meds for the first year it the other person is at all uncomfortable about their risks... after that, I revisit it with them and WE decide what to do next. I'm in my 50's so most men in my age bracket don't get along with condoms that well, so we usually dispense with them as soon as we are established and (preferably) have both tested out... I've made a few errors of judgement there over the years (as far as insisting on having them test)...but *I* always disclose and then we usually spend time (days or even weeks) figuring out what our *combined* comfort level is around meds and condoms....

 

The other reason for using condoms in the first year is you are learning what your prodromes are...once you know how to distinguish YOUR tingle/pain/bumps/etc that tells you that you have an OB coming on, then it's a lot safer. Most people pass on asymptomatically, and most of them are the 80% who don't know they have it. If nothing else, H makes you a LOT more aware of your body and what is not good for your health :)

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My gf soon to be my wife is more comfortable with me having herpes than I am. She keeps telling me I love you more than yesterday so I believe that is a good sign we are going to be together for a long time. I was diagnosed January 2015, first ob was 11-19-15 about the size of a fifty cent piece. With meds everything cleared up 12-7-15. Would I be placing my gf at risk if I didn't wear a condom the first 12 months?

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Really appreciate all your feedback dear lady. Thank you. I've learned quite a bit about this in the past 2 weeks. Wish I had this information when I became single for the first time in 2007. Wouldve had everyone tested before having sex with them. Trusted way to many people on their word.

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How were you diagnosed in January? Just a random blood test, but actually didn't ha e physical symptoms until November? Interesting.

 

Yes, the risk if transmission is higher the first year, but you said you've been diagnosed since January, so it's been about a year. I'd use a condom at least until you feel comfortable.

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Yes took my yearly blood test in January, more so because the lady I slept with the last week of December 2014 I noticed a rash, a small one while having sex with her. She said she was clean and based it all on having to much sex, she was a nurse so I took her word for it. By the time I took the blood test the rash was gone and it came back positive but my Dr. and friends said it was a false reading because I didn't have an actual outbreak , little did I know. So the first major outbreak was November 19th. By December 7, 2015 all has gone back to normal. So I am wondering is it ok to have sex without using a condom?

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It can be for some people. I'm fine drinking beer or red wine, but sugary wines like moscato and even run w diet come after so many drinks, are triggers for me. I found recently that coffee was a trigger for me. I journaled my symptoms, location and possible triggers for several months, so I could learn my body post H. A yr n hlaf later, I learned something new. Coffee being a trigger for me.

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If you blood tested positive within a few weeks of having sex with her, odds are you already had it. It generally takes at LEAST 3 months for the antibodies to show up in the blood... up to 6 months for some. In which case it's entirely possible you got it from someone who tested negative because THEY were within their 3-6 month incubation period.

 

Not that it really matters except to point out that you continue to beat yourself up for the one time you were not careful... when it's entirely possible that you didn't actually get it from her given your timeline... and fact of the matter is, odds are you will never know for sure. :(

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I have learned more being on this site than anywhere else medically.

The last person I had sex before December was August - October 2014 a woman I was dating. Before that was May of 2013, dated 3 months and before her was May of 2012 and she did have herpes but we never had inner course just oral.

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If you only had oral, then you wouldn't have got it genitally from the woman in May. The Aug-Oct woman is a possibility....

 

But again, odds are you just won't know.... you could technically have tested negative in Jan 2013 and still be in incubation ... my point of telling you all that was to help you to stop beating yourself up about that one woman. This virus is a sneaky little bastard and even with all the precautions in the world, it sometimes slips through and gets passed on :(

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