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So here I am

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So I'm not sure where to start. Okay let me start by saying I love this forum and everyone on it for how completely positive they are about H. It has made me feel a million times better since I started reading it.


Anyways.. my story. So I contracted H about 3 years ago. At the time I was just starting to date someone new but when he got tested he was negative so I'm assuming I got it from someone before him. I think my 1st outbreak may have been one of the worst experiences of my life mostly because I had no idea what was happening and spent half a night sitting in the ER alone waiting to be seen. After the outbreak was over though it hasn't really affected me up to this point. I told my current partner who is now my ex husband and surprisingly he didn't care at all about it. I was with him for the last 3 years and had planned to be with him for life considering we were married and such so I really didn't care that I had H. We just avoided sex when I had an outbreak and I was on suppressive meds as well. He's been tested since we broke up and is still negative so at least that is a plus for me.


Well we recently split so now I am back on the dating front. Honestly I've pretty much come to terms with H and it no longer bothers me. The thought of disclosing to someone is very nerve racking though, mainly because you have no idea how that person might react. To me H is nothing and if the roles were reversed I would most definitely take the chance if I really liked somebody. It is just hard to predict what the other person might say.


I have been talking to someone since January (who happens to be one of my other exs) and we have been hanging out as well. I've been holding him at arms length for reasons other than H. I keep thinking maybe I am deceiving him by letting him become attached before I tell him, but the reason we aren't having sex really isn't the H. My best friend assured me that I'm not deceiving him and that until we are officially together I shouldn't feel like it is his business. I have mixed emotions about it, mainly because it's just an extra thing to worry about when I don't get it out of the way, but I think I'm doing the right thing for now. I don't think I need to overwhelm someone with this extra information when we aren't even completely dating yet. I don't know I guess I just have to go with my gut and trust that I'm doing the right thing.


I will be glad once I do finally tell him and the waiting period is over. It just blows my mind that such a tiny little thing can be blown so out of proportion. I almost never get outbreaks and my ex husband never got H even though we never used condoms and I only took valtrex when I had outbreaks. (I would be much more careful with someone else, we just figured since we were married who cares if he got it.. and the feeling was mutual.. i obviously would have been more careful if he was nervous to get it). Currently I am on suppressive daily meds and have condoms if needed so most likely the other person is never going to get it. Sigh, it is just so annoying that the stigma is what it is. I do believe that it is all about how you portray it though. I've told 4 of my close friends and none of them have seemed bothered by it and once I gave them the facts they were like wow that's not even bad at all. My two best friends tell me that it isn't even a big deal and it shouldn't be a big deal when dating. I guess my problem has always been that I've had low self esteem for a long time and this doesn't really help. But I have been working on looking at how awesome I really am and starting to love myself for everything about me. As long as I keep reminding myself, it helps me think that people will look past the H. Because really H doesn't define us at all. It just is what it is. And really its not much of anything.


So thanks for creating this forum Adrial because it has really helped and is great to see a lot of people being so completely positive about H. Sorry this post got so long but it feels good to get it all out there!

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Hi KitKat,


I love the acknowledgement of the forum. Adrial has done a really great job, and it's such a breathe of fresh air to be able to connect with people who have gone through similar experiences, on a subject that can make people feel very alone.

On that note- I wanted to say that I'm happy to hear you've talked with your friends about everything, and it seems as though you have a solid support system in them. The most important support system is yourself though, and I love that you have been looking at yourself and loving yourself, seeing how awesome you are.

When it comes to disclosing to your ex, I totally agree with your friends.

That's going to be a conversation to have when you guys are very connected, and you feel that it's safe space to have an honest conversation about it.

I know that the social stigma can be frightening, but if you back everything up with facts when you disclose, then you can shift any negative ideas that your ex has about herpes. And who knows- maybe he knows all about it. Maybe he has it himself. There's never any knowing until there's an open conversation.

Have you read into Adrial's ebook on how to disclose? That may come in handy when the time is right. I want to assure you though, that you're not doing anything wrong by not telling him right now. I would wait until the connection starts to flow towards intimacy.


Not sure if you've seen these yet, but Adrial put together a couple handouts that are very useful to have.





Be well :)



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