How do I deal with giving my boyfriend herpes?

[feeling_guilty]

First, I want to thank Adrial for accepting me into this community. I had no idea that these online support groups existed until just recently when I started looking for information on how to deal with giving my boyfriend H.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for about three months now. Before we became intimate, I told him that I've had H for 10 years. Although he said he didn't know much about it, that did not change his mind about wanting to be with me. He was very supportive and was not freaked out at all. He told me that it can happen to anyone, it could have just as easily happened to him, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. He still thought I was an amazing woman and he was constantly telling me how lucky he was to be with me. About a month into our relationship, I sent him links to resources so he could learn more about H and what his risks were. I even told him that after reading all of the information he should decide if he was willing to take that risk with me. About a week ago he developed pretty classic symptoms of GH and went to the doctor and is currently awaiting the official blood tests to result. I know I did the right thing by disclosing my status before we had sex but I can't help feeling overwhelming guilt for giving this to him. Although it has been a long time ago since my first outbreak, I know all of the emotions he is going through and feel as if I ruined his life because I am the one that gave it to him. I've had four sexual relationships since my diagnosis 10 years ago but this is the first time that I gave H to someone and I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's hard for me to grasp that this has happened because we have been so careful; he wears condoms every time we have sex and I take daily Valtrex. My last four boyfriends and even my ex of four years and I hardly ever used condoms, I have taken daily Valtrex for the last 9 years, and none of them have ever developed H. How could I have transmitted H to my current boyfriend when we've been so careful?! I logically understand that the virus can be transmitted despite the use of condoms and suppressive therapy. I just can't understand how it could have been transmitted so easily this time but I've never given it to anyone in my past when I haven't used condoms.

 

My problem is that now my boyfriend is avoiding me. I know he feels dirty, ashamed, and disgusted with himself. I'm sure he is angry with me and with himself for taking the risk. I know that he probably just needs space to figure out his emotions and I have been giving him that. But I don't know how long I should give him. Not only do I feel incredibly guilty for giving him H, I feel completely rejected, and heartbroken because of him pushing me away. I don't know how I should feel or what I should say or do to make things better or to move forward in a relationship with him. It breaks my heart that I've hurt him and now my heart is breaking because I think I've lost him. I think the hardest part is when he started having questionable symptoms, we talked about it, and he told me that he would not be mad at me or take it out on me in any way. He knew what he was getting in to and he decided to continue a sexual relationship with me. But now that the reality of him actually having H has hit him, it seems that he feels differently. Now, I'm starting to feel anger for how he's dealing or not dealing with things and I don't know if that's appropriate.

 

Can someone please help me to understand how I should feel, how much time/space I should give him, and how I should approach him? For someone that's been recently diagnosed, what kind of emotions did you go through? What would have helped you? I don't want him to feel alone and I want to be there for him; I just feel like he doesn't want me around now. And I know telling him that he will eventually accept this as apart of himself, love himself anyway, and it will become a small thing in his life won't help him.

 

Thanks for any input.

[2Legit2Quit]

@adrial @wcsdancer2010

 

Welcome to the community and I'm so sorry about your circumstances. I can only imagine the emotions you're going through, as I'm positive I'd feel the same way if I were in your position. W that said, do know that you did everything right and he did choose to take that risk w you and you don't deserve the punishment you're giving to yourself right now.

 

Men definitely process things differently than women. We need to event and analyze the crap out of everything, w another person. Men seem to want to process things alone. Think back to how you first felt when you got this. You had fears of what it meant for your future, would anyone except you w this and if he's having a painful OB and feeling ill from it, that fear of wondering is it always going to be like this every time, can be paralyzing. As hard as it may be, you gotta put yourself back in your shoes 10yrs ago,when you were first diagnosed. It's been a yr n half for me almost and sometimes I have to ask my mom to remind me what it was like for me during my primary and the things she said. Even after this short period of time, I have lost a lot of the painful emotions and forgot the physical pain and symptoms, outaide of my neuropathy. You just gotta take a trip back in time and remember that he too, is likely in analysis paralysis stage.

 

Being males are different and you feel he's being distant, I would explain that you care so deeply for him and you never wanted this for him. That you Understand the emotions he's going through, because you've been there. That you're there if he needs you and when he is ready. Provide him the link to this page perhaps as well, to get some support. If he feels more comfortable posting privately, he can PM myself or @wcadancer2010 and/or as a group convo w us. Just say what you need to say, offer support and then give him his space to process this.

[2Legit2Quit]

@hippyherpy. You often ask about if anyone catches it using both condoms and meds. Here's a story

[feeling_guilty]

@2Legit2Quit

 

Thank you so much for your input and support. I will let him know that I'll be here for him and tell him that he can talk to me when he's ready. The hardest thing is knowing that you've hurt someone else, albeit unintentionally, and it's something that lasts forever. I feel like my guilt will subside when he starts to accept this and we can get back to "normalcy" again....I hope that is the case. I will definitely refer him to this site because from what I've read, there are so many caring people on here. It is comforting to know that others are going through the same issues.

 

Xoxo

[2Legit2Quit]

Hang in there honeyz you're going to get past this and so is he. Especially when he realized that 1. He's letting the stigma control his fears and anxieties. 2. He's fearing that obs are always going to be like this and they're not going to be. Even w me who has them frequently on meds, mine aren't painful.. Just annoying. You'll both get through this and I'd feel the same as you, but my emotions aren't in this, so I recognize that we're not being rational w blaming ourselves, when you've done nothing but be honest and do what you coukd to protect your partner. Cut yourself some slack. You'll be OK hun and so will he.

[feeling_guilty]

I am trying not to blame myself and the good news is that it seems like that feeling is going away (I think). But now, it's being replaced with the sadness that I feel for losing him.

 

I finally talked to my boyfriend and he is NOT doing well. He is depressed and is angry with himself for having sex with me and putting himself at risk. He can't think about any relationships right now and can't imagine being intimate again. Intellectually I understand that but emotionally, I feel saddened and rejected by his feelings...how stupid is that?! He has a right to whatever emotions he feels and I shouldn't be hurt by any of that. But, knowing something intellectually is much different than knowing it emotionally.

 

We have only been dating for a few months and we are still learning about one another. But, ever since I met him, I felt a special connection and knew that I wanted him in my future. I was the lucky one in our relationship. I just really can't believe this is happening :(. Maybe if this would have happened much later in our relationship when things were more solid and certain, things would be different now. All I know is that I am completely heartbroken because I want nothing more than to be with this man and for this not to have happened. But because it has, I feel like I've lost him and he'll never know how very, truly sorry I am. I really do not know if we will get past this. Based on how our conversation went, I'm not very hopeful. Knowing that I've hurt him is way more difficult to deal with than when I was first diagnosed. I reread my first post and had a chance to rethink my emotions. It was never anger that I felt with how he is dealing with things, it is just sadness and loss. I can't believe that I met such an amazing person, had so much excitement about our future, and now I feel so much pain. It's funny how your life can change in a second.

 

No one needs to respond to this....I'm just ranting now because I have no one to talk to. I've never told anyone about my H, not even my family or my closest friends. I really need to talk to someone but am scared of revealing that part about myself. I thought that if I wrote out my feelings out in this kind of a forum, I'd feel better but.......didn't really work out that way. Guess time will heal this too and things will work out as they should. But, it really sucks going through this. :(

[2Legit2Quit]

I don't think it's sad or bad that you feel rejected and hurt, anyone would be. He's not exactly handling well either and taking some responsibility in this. How old is he may I ask?

 

He's just processing things right now, he'll come back around, but then you have to ask YOURSELF if you wan a be w someone who handles it poorly and is this something he's going to throw in your face? If you lose a man over something like this, who willingly participated, is that really the man you want in a partner? He'd run anytime the tough gets going. Trust me, if that happens you won't feel that now, but one day you'll realize you dodged a bullet.

 

You did not hurt him. You gave him knowledge to make a logical decision and he unfortunately, got unlucky. I went two yrs no sex, have it once and get it. My beat guy friend was w someone for 7yrs and never got it. It happens. I've coached a woman on another site that's in her 50s and married for 31yrs and she just got ghsv 1. They got lucky for 30yrs of not passing it and boom, one day she gets it! Do not hear yourself up over this. Ad hard as that may be and don't let him make you feel bad either.

 

I can't even imagine how bad you feel and it's OK, just don't blame yourself. He made an adult decision and you didd everything you coukd to protect him. My ex husband I knew had cold sores and we never kissed when he felt it coming on. However after a yr n half together, I got it and got it bad. It was only internally though, but I had ulcers coveting inside my mouth and tongue. We were on vacation and it drained my energy bad too... I was in so much H oaib and didn't feel well. I was angry at him, not because I got it necessarily, but I was in so much pain. When people are experiencing physical pain associated to something that will cause some emotional pain as well, the physical pain exacerbates thwir emotional pain. I got mad about hurting so bad . the emotional stuff wasn't a big deal, because I know him and so many others w cold sores and I knew the risk. Just give him space and let the physical symptoms pass and I'll be he starts to come around at least a week after that.

 

What are his symptoms?

[feeling_guilty]

You are correct; I do not want to be with someone that does not handle things like this well. But, based on what I do know about him so far, I do not think he would ever throw it back in my face. And, I would hope that if he did, I would run the other way! I really do feel like he is in the anger stage of grief and is having a hard time processing what has happened. He told me that he does not blame me at all and that I did everything I needed to do to warn him. I don't know if he feels angry about having sex with me per se or the unprotected sex he had with several woman prior to me. I assumed he was angry about putting himself at risk with me since he likely got it from me. But, I do tend to over analyze things (I guess like all girls) and our last conversation was SO depressing. Believe me, if after he has had time to process his emotions, and begins to treat me poorly, or show anger towards me, I will not continue trying to be in a relationship with him. I do need to give him time though. Btw, he is 34. His symptoms started like a rash on the groin area then developed a blister on the shaft of his penis. No swollen lymph nodes or no flu-like symptoms. I think it definitely sounds like GH.

 

I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have experienced with hsv. I'm sure having open sores in your mouth must have been excruciating :( . Just so you know, the fact that you have been listening to me and reaching out to offer advice means so much! I really appreciate that you have taken so much time to respond and help me through this!! You have been an angel!! xoxo

[2Legit2Quit]

Oh Honey, that was NOTHING compared to when I got HSV 2. I had severe neuropathy and had to go on anticonvulsants, for nerve pain for four months. I don't need them anymore, but my nerves have never been the same and I have constant obs, because I have autoimmune disease's. W that said and how bad it's been for me if I can get to where I am, then he will too. I'm sure you know, having it longer than I have, that having H is such a tiny part of our lives. Our lives do not and should not, revolve around carrying one of the strains of human herpes virus, when all adults will carry at least 3 out of the 8, by the time they're adults.

 

So you guys didjrt have him go get it swabbed? You shouldn't assume it's H w out a diagnosis.

 

I'm glad he didn't blame you, just give him some time to process thing's and be selfish w his emotions, as hard as that may be, because you just want feelings of validation at this point. I know all too well how consuming that feeling can be. Just keep recalling how you felt when you first got it and it'll make it easier for you to adjust and go along w his grieving stages and make you not focus on fear of losing him so much. You both will make it through this just fine, don't worry.

 

I'm so glad I could help and I'm here if you ever need me. Hugs!

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Hello and welcome. It is a great community, and you've come to the right place. @2legit2quit has been so helpful

 

I don't have experience in this area, but I do date an H- guy that reacted the same way yours did in the beginning - he was educated, willing to take the risk, and we use condoms and I am on suppressive Valtrex. So I'm going to try to advise you as I would want to advise myself if this happens to me...

 

I'm glad to hear that you're moving away from feeling guilty about this to feeling sad. You're completely and understandably allowed to feel sad and to grieve. But remember that *you did nothing wrong*. We take the responsibility to protect our partners, to make sure they're educated, and to be open and honest when we have symptoms so that we are doing all that we can to protect them. But there are clearly some things that are just out of our control. I do not think that you should feel guilty for this, though that is very easy for me to say. "Guilt," by definition, is "responsibility for having done something wrong." You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, and more than some women would do in your shoes!

 

Have you ever seen the Amy Schumer sketch, "sorry?" Women especially are bred to apologize, to take the burden of responsiblity on our shoulders. Someone bumps into us on the subway? Our first reaction is "sorry!" even though we didn't do anything. This is obviously different, but it's our first reaction to make this our fault some how. It is not your "fault."

http://videos.nymag.com/video/Inside-Amy-Schumer-I-m-Sorry

 

I'm so sorry that he is pulling away right now, but he needs time to come to grips with this. It's so hard to see now, because when I have an OB or feel something strange down there it's like "ugh that's annoying." But when I was first diagnosed, and I felt something, it was this huge monumentous reminder of my actions and my decisions.

 

I think you're right - he is dealing with the idea of this being "lifelong." Most people don't have to face their own mortality, and if they do, it's not until something rocks our boats and makes us wake up and realize that decisions that we make can have more ripple effects than just a hangover the next day.

 

He's having to deal with this idea of "lifelong," and to be honest it might be throwing into question his relationship with you. I think you're right - if it was deeper into the relationship, and it was more committed and he knew that he wanted to be with you for a long time, then this would be a speed bump. That's not to say that he's questioning whether he likes you - he might be feeling like he has to make a decision now, or he's actually finally dealing with the thought of "lifelong."

 

We are all here for you!

[2Legit2Quit]

Well said @nothinggoodgetsaway

[WCSDancer2010]

@feeling_guilty

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So he has not got the results of the swab yet?

 

If he was wearing a condom, it's near on impossible for him to have got it on the shaft of the penis unless it's in an area not covered by the condom - in which case, he may have already had Herpes... so he probably should get a blood test as well....especially if he never had one before now. If he had "risky" sex with his past partners, there's a chance you were not the one that gave it to him.

 

All that said, you got some great advice about your guilt. You did everything right. This is what I tell people who are over-obsessing about the *possibility* of passing H on:

 

think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

You did everything right, and yet he still got it - the equivalent of someone running a red light and hitting you in that car. Sometimes no matter how careful you are, shit happens. Really great parents lose their child to SIDS even though they check in on them every 1/2 hr, or they turn their back for 2 seconds and the child runs into the road. There are those who eat healthy and do everything "right" who get cancer (yet there will be the person that smokes a pack a day lives to over 100). There are just plain some things that are not in our control. We can only do our best, and try to be kind to ourselves when shit happens in spite of our attempts to be "safe".

 

I hope he comes around. If you can get him to come on here or contact myself then I'll be happy to coach him through this. But if he doesn't, he's showing you how he handles a crisis.... and perhaps that's not a bad thing in the long run, however it turns out.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@wcsdancer2010 I was told despite where the ob shows uoup, it has nothing to do w where it was contracted always. I was told it will go anywhere, not just where it entered through the skin which makes sense w how it infects the nerves. W that said, I agree, they should not be sekf diagnosing. My ex got left w marks from the condom and sex and tried to day it was herpes. Doc's seeing men for STD related issues, don't get taken as serious as females are usually. They always seem to see male doctors, who downplay thwir symptoms. Just saying.

[WCSDancer2010]

It can go anywhere but usually not THAT fast. It has to make it's way to the nerve ganglion then down the other nerves in that dermatome. That usually takes more than a few days to happen from what I understand.

[2Legit2Quit]

Based in science, it breaks put anywhere, doesn't mean it was at the point if entry. That's why I broke out everywhere for initial symptoms. I didn't have it in one spot, it was all over and internal. They said it does travel fast into our nerves.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm not going to continue to argue with you on here... I'm going on what I have learned with 35 yrs of this....

 

Peace out

[feeling_guilty]

@nothinggoodgetsaway....yes, very well said! Thank you for all of your encouraging words! I had trouble opening that Amy Schumer link but I will definitely try again. I could use a good laugh; maybe that will snap me out of my depression.

 

@WCSdancer2010....he did have a blood test but I'm unsure which antibodies they tested. I believe I read something about IgG and IgM and how one is elevated with initial infection and the other remains elevated with ongoing infection, or something along those lines. To my knowledge, he did not have a swab done. The blister-type thing he saw was near the head of his penis and none of the condoms ever broke. I'm not a betting woman, but I find it extremely unlikely that I am the one that gave him H. The risk of transmission from women to men with the use of condoms and suppressive therapy is around 1-2% (I believe) per something like 100 sexual encounters. I'd have to research my stats again but I do remember it being extremely low. As much as I want to tell him that I may NOT be the one that gave him this, I won't because he will not hear me anyway. He is too wrapped up in his emotions to be logical. Part of me thinks that if he believes he got H from someone in his past, he wouldn't be pushing me away and ignoring like he is doing. He has told me that he does not blame me and is not angry with me. But, if he isn't, why is he ignoring me? I know he needs his space to process his emotions but does that space need to include him pushing me away? All just rhetorical questions, of course...just some of my internal dialogue. I loved your analogies, by the way...they were fabulous!! I haven't had a chance yet to tell him about this website but I do intend to. I think it will really help him; I wish I had this resource when I was newly diagnosed. You all have been a tremendous support for me and I can not thank all of you enough!!

[2Legit2Quit]

So discussing objective scientific facts now is considered arguing? Wow... Ok.. This came from a virologist. If it didn't spread that fast, then I'd not immediately had sores on my anus and I've never had anal sex, nor was the position I was in, exposing it. It's no different than those who have never had a genital OB, but only had a small cluster on the small of their back, which seems pretty far from a partners genitals. I had a girl on the other forum, who had tingles and leg pain, no symptoms on her genitals, but actually was breaking out on her ankle. They swabbed it and it was HSV 2. I think bringing up some substantiative points and learning from one another is far from arguing.

 

@feeling_guilty , if his blood test comes back positive, then he's had it for at least 4 months. Of it comes back negative, it is a new infection. Men just process things differently hun and need space to do so.

[Sleeplessinsocal]

Anyone on this thread if you can share how long do men process all this. I was with someone and didn't disclose. I finally disclosed last t Monday six weeks after three sexual encounters. We spoke briefly last Friday. He told me he had gotten tested. After a conversation on Friday sent me a text asking if he was only interested in a friendship. I haven't heard back from him cents. I sent him a text this morning asking for him to play sure his results with him this week. Still no response. Initially last week he did tell me space to process on this. But after we spoke on Friday I thought he had finished processing. At this point after a week of crying, I feel I need some sort of closure.

[Bambina3]

Everyone processes it differently, both men and women...he could be upset you didn't disclose prior to your first sexual encounter, people on this site promotes disclosure...I personally battle with it, it's morally correct, but I get angry the burden lays on us...

You did the right thing by disclosing...I hope he does contact you for closure...but a friend of mine just went thru "ghosting" (which I didn't know what it meant until now)

Where she was dating someone for almost a year and poof gone

Phone disconnect, chat disconnect, things were good, he just disappeared. She was very hurt.

 

So if he doesn't resurface, please don't take it personally, it's their way of dealing...

[Dave]

Herpes is nothing more than a skin condition that for the majority of people, get little or no symptoms. It's sad that if you have genital herpes you're supposed to disclose it to future partners. Yet does anyone ask before kissing if that person has been tested for Herpes? Of course not. And 80% of the population has HSV-1. The stigma is ridiculous, especially considering people die every year from the flu virus and no one dies from the herpes virus. We can blame the TV and movie industry for making something that really is a non issue, into a shameful burden.

[Scared16]

I will vent a little too :-). It is not people that have herpes that have to disclose ... But people that were diagnosed ... Which is not many ... Where I live, doctors discourage people from doing blood tests, misinform them that blood testing is not accurate ... So if you are asymtomatic you are encouraged to do as you please ... When I was being tested I was advised to find myself a partner that is hsv+ If my swab comes back positive ... The person that gave it to me is asymtomatic. He did not receive a blood test after going in 3 times to get tested, was told to come once he has symptoms so it can be swabbed (which he doesn't get), and in the mean time live his life to the fullest.

[aggie_pride2018]

My boyfriend has H and I don't, but I've made the decision to continue to be intimate with him. Your boyfriend made the same decision, and was entirely informed before doing so. I'm sure it's normal to feel extremely emotional when getting your diagnosis, but herpes is also incredibly stigmatized. Knowing it's just (an albeit uncomfortable) skin condition, and not an STD that will lead to infertility or death, it's not something he should be resenting you for. If anything, it's better for you to see this side of him because if he really is going to be so mad at you then you're better off without him. Under the assumption that we are all consenting and informed adults entering into a sexual relationship, you take on that risk for yourself. Sleeping with my boyfriend I know that in theory yes, I could get H, but that's a choice that I'm making and I've made my peace with it. It seems as though your boyfriend did the same thing, but maybe didn't really think about it realistically. You did nothing wrong, and in fact did so much right to try to ensure that he was making an informed decision. I hope that he comes around, but if he doesn't then good riddance.