I'm afraid I've given 2 people oral HSV2 and I've become a monster.

[sister____]

Hi,

HSV2 positive for 4 years now (wow!) I was super depressed when I first got it. The guy who gave it to me claimed to not have known he had it. The sad thing is I was very diligent in about asking his sexual history before we ever hooked up, but I didn't know the difference between a physical and a blood test (not many people do....)

I have disclosed to some people and not disclosed to others. It really depends on how far off in the horizon I see things ending with them. When I feel I'm building a relationship with someone, I disclose. When I don't, I don't. I always wear condoms and take precautions.

 

Since I broke up with my ex (who I disclosed to,) I have become a very happily single girl. I enjoy a lot of male attention. I am very capable of and interested in exploring my sexuality and I'll be damned if I sit out on this experience. The first guy I went on a date with after my ex, I decided to have casual sex with him. It wasn't my intention but as soon as he got his hands on me, I was helpless. We had sex (vaginally with a condom and orally without) about 6 times. We never fooled around if I had an ob, which are few and far between. One day he got a cold sore on his lip. He said he'd never had one before and started asking questions. I LIED. I'm terrible. I don't lie about anything, I'm an ineffective liar, always have been. For some reason I couldn't fess up face to face. I stopped talking to this guy for about three months and then we started hanging out again and eventually hooking up again. He made a comment about a mutual friend who I said was 'cute.' He said 'you don't want that, he has something.' I was so offended (it gave the impact of a racist comment almost!) That afternoon, I wrote him a 10 page letter about what I had, that I was sorry, but also that I refused to be treated like a freakshow and I reiterated how common it was and how few people actually knew what was going on in their bodies. We were ok for awhile but then he wanted a relationship and when I wouldn't give him that he cut me out of his life. Too painful, I guess.

 

More recently, I started an online conversation with a friend that I have lusted after for years. To my surprise he was on the exact same page and we met up one weekend and had the most explosive sex. I told him to wear a condom and he said that he hadn't slept with anyone since his ex wife. I didn't believe him because he's so attractive. I figured it was a lie or shitty excuse and I felt that his irresponsibility was his own fault. He didn't ask or care what I might have had, he just gave me a spiel. I tried to get a condom on him anyway but it was impossible - his penis was way too big. I wasn't about to either disclose or run to the pharmacy and risk not sleeping with this lifetime achievement stud so I just went for it.

 

A week later, he rented a hotel room for the two of us. I was getting really excited as the weekend got closer and then, much to my surprise, I got my period early. I had bought magnums and we had sex but clearly no oral.

I picked him up this past weekend and he had a cold sore. He tried talking about it and I was pretty panicked. If I had been able to see my face.......it would've been beet red. I completely turned it around and said 'oh can I still kiss you....' 'can you still go down on me....' blah blah. (He kept saying he abreeved the crap out of it so it wouldn't be contagious - I pretended to know nothing about spreading the virus.) He couldn't have got it from our night at the hotel room. His face was nowhere near my vagina. However the timing of it perfectly correlates with our hotel night.

 

How have I given two men HSV2 through oral - vaginal sex with no OB and using 1,000 mg of Lysine a day? I thought the virus was less likely to spread from genitals to mouth than it is from genitals to genitals?

 

I don't want to be in a relationship. I feel like as soon as I disclose to someone, things go to 'the next level' in their mind and then I break their heart by not committing. I want to be independent and still have sex. I like my current lover - but he's terrible boyfriend material. I feel that by not disclosing I'm forcing a wedge in between us and it's a great defence mechanism. However if I continue to sleep with him I really should disclose so now I'm caught in the 'should I disclose and give it a chance or just stop seeing someone that I enjoy having in my life using some bullsh!t lie' dilemma.

 

My doctor says that a blood test will tell you if you've ever had a cold sore in your life - it doesn't actually test for HSV2. My lover could have genital herpes now and not be able to test for it. People can get false positives and false negatives. Just because someone says 'I'm clean' never ever ever ever means that they are. You don't know that you're clean unless you're a virgin. So why must we positives carry the weight of the world on our shoulders?

 

I have several friends who have had twice as much sex, protected and unprotected, as I have and don't have anything.

 

I am a strong believer in following passion and being independent and herpes kills all that for me.

 

I've actually never been rejected by someone I've disclosed to and to not disclose in consideration of that makes me a huge selfish coward.

 

That is my rant with questions interlaced throughout. I've been very candid and I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism. Fire away.

[mr_hopp]

Hey!

 

No criticism here. Just curiosity. And wanting to support you in feeling better about your choices.

 

Have you read the handouts and the e-book yet? Get on it!

http://herpeslife.com/resources/

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

1. Why aren't you disclosing to all sexual partners, not just the ones you want to be in a relationship with? Everyone deserves to know so they can make their own decision. And casual sex without the safer sex talk means putting yourself at risk for getting more STDs because you don't know what he has. Remember that.

 

2. 98% of oral herpes is caused by HSV-1. That means 2% is caused by HSV-2. So there's a possibility, but it's very low. Are you sure you don't have genital HSV-1?

http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/

http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/

 

And yes, blood tests (called the IgG test) will tell you which type you have, HSV-1 or HSV-2. That doctor is giving you the wrong information, unfortunately. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/

 

3. Herpes doesn't kill following passion and being independent. Your own beliefs about it do. I have been more passionate and independent since herpes than before. It hasn't stopped me from experiencing my sexuality fully and with integrity. And I know plenty of people who would say the same. Shift your perspective on this virus, get knowledgeable about it, and you may just shift the outcomes you're experiencing. Just because you don't want to be in a relationship doesn't mean you can't disclose and have understanding between two adults.

 

4. Blows me away how many people clearly no nothing about how herpes spreads if he said he "abreva-ed the shit out of it, so it won't spread." It doesn't work like that. Want to nip that in the bud just in case someone else reads that and gets a hair-brained idea that abreva-ing a cold sore makes it un-spreadable.

 

Does this help?

[Learningasigo]

Hi Sister-

 

Wow, again no judgement, but you're misinformed on SO MUCH of what you said. You're facts about herpes are not straight at all.

 

This is an epidemic and you are taking away others right to choose what is OK for them - doesn't that strike you as unfair and simply wrong?

 

"Your rights end where mine begin" Remember that.

 

As a person who was not given a choice of getting HSV-2, I'll be honest and say that fact that you're having sex with people and not disclosing infuriates me. I'm genuinely offended. I'm not going to berate you, but I relate to the men you're sleeping with, not to you.

 

IF YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT YOU SHOULDN'T BE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK TO GET IT.

 

I'd also like to bring up the possible legal ramifications of your actions. People are suing people who don't disclose and they are winning. http://news.yahoo.com/ore-woman-wins-900k-lawsuit-over-herpes-claim-165600521.html

 

This isn't a game or a debate of being free spirited... This is a black and white issue of right and wrong. This is about you taking away someone's right to live their life as they want. I view your choice as incredibly selfish. You're lack of disclosure makes you a part of the problem with this epidemic.

 

I hope you take some time to learn about what's going on in your body. Lysine nor any other vitamin or amino acid will 100% prevent outbreaks. You can absolutely transmit this even with protected sex and even if you aren't having and OB - herpes is contracted from skin to skin contact, plenty of places a condom doesn't cover. The virus also "sheds" which can make you contagious.

 

I hope you realize that the way you're going about this isn't productive. Maybe it's time you face that free spirited energy inwards and begin understanding what's going on inside of you that allows you to be on this path.

 

I don't think you're a bad person - but I think you're making some very questionable choices.

 

Be Well.

[lelani]

HI Sister...I'm with Adrial and Learningasigo - just curious as to your choices. Herpes is only one STI you can contract and if you want to sexually independent I am wondering why you don't protect yourself by being well informed and practising safe sex. You are worth more than that.

And not being a good liar and never lying...? Every time you don't disclose you are withholding the truth...and putting someone else's health at risk without their consent. It will come back and bite you at some point...life has a way of doing that. You are disrespecting the person you are being intimate with and disrespecting yourself...there will always be a price to pay for that.

Being a free spirit and independent is actually about living authentically and with integrity. Your idea of it seems to be just irresponsible sex with whoever you like, whenever you like - that's not being a free spirit, its just about having a lot of sex.

And actually we 'positives' don't have carry the weight of the world on our shoulders...we just have to care, about ourselves and those we are intimate with. Because without that it's just a meaningless shag and that's sad because with disclosing and being honest sex can be sooooo much more, whether it's casual or within a relationship.

I'm not sure what you expected us to answer....I hope what we are sharing is helpful because I sense that maybe you want to make different choices - or you wouldn't have posted.

Take care...of yourself and your lovers.

 

[EricaBlue]

I was recently handed herpes by a man who I now know has views similar to yours. When I think about the psychological turmoil I've struggled with since my first infection I can't help but feel a little anger when I read your post.

 

Denying a person a choice by not disclosing is possibly permenantly changing their lives without them knowing. Who has the right to do that to anyone? You said you were depressed when you first found out. Can you not empathize with how your partners may feel if they acquire the virus?

 

I guess I just don't understand where you are coming from both from the health and safety of youself and that of others. I know its just casual sex in most cases for you (and believe me im a big fan of that) but in those cases a person places significant trust in you by doing so. In my mind your choices completely disrespect that.

 

Maybe it's cause my experience is so fresh and I don't know what it's like 'out there' yet. I don't know. Maybe in a few months ill be conducting myself as you are. Again I don't know. I've only lived with it a month now. Nowhere near 4 years. All I can say is at this point I'd have a hard time having sex with someone, casual or not, without handing them a choice through disclosure - as hard and as frightening as that is.

 

And by the way if a friend of mine showed interest in the guy who have me herpes you can bet your ass i'd tell her. I wish I'd had a friend like that the night i went home with him and I venture you do too.