GUILT and Constant Prodrome

[MaryJane]

I will try to make this short but...I really need to talk. So...I got a cold sore about 10 years ago. Broke out twice back to back and then found out about L Lysine. Since then, I've had constant prodrome and no OBs. I stopped having sex for about 5 years. In Jan of last year, I just wanted a normal sex life, like everyone else. Stupid. So I had sex with a friend, a guy from work. I performed oral and had prodrome symptoms at the time. Part of me wanted to believe what people told me, that you cant pass it if you don't have an Outbreak. I hadn't really done a lot of research cause I wasnt sexually active b4 and had no OBs and the guy i got the cold sore from, he and I had oral for years but there was never any problems. So any way, new guy...a week after i give him oral says he got two hair bumps after he shaved. he said he dug into them (which i know he shouldn't) and he found a very long hair in one and a short hair in the other. He did have a hair under the "helmet" part of the penis before shaving. I've seen it. After that, I begin reading more and more and became terrified that I gave it to him. I told him I told him i needed to talk to him and i was so scared he'd b mad. I explained I get cold sore symptoms sometimes and that i was worried bc you could pass it on. When I told him, he was like "a f'ing cold sore?" he said he would not be mad over a cold sore and if he did get it, "we'll take care of it." I have been obsessed however, and I ask him all the time after we have sex if he washed his penis off. He doesn't think it can spread if no cold sore is present even though I told him it could. one day he said "no offense, but if you did give it to me, one could I do about it now?" I am CONSTANTLY, I mean CONSTANTLY thinking about herpes, because I have constant symptoms. Antivirals calm it down but due to being stressed over it, I can't really control my eating, although I try really hard. One day he told me that I gave him a bump. he went home and dissected it. SMH. He found a hair in it so he assumes it was a hair bump. He told me the only time he EVER gets a bump is when he shaves. But...here's the thing...it hasn't happened recently even though he continues to shave. So I assume his body has now built up enough antibodies to fight it. One day I performed oral and then I let him put it in vaginally, which I don't know why i made such a stupid decision. Now I'm having sharp vaginal pangs even though I see no bumps. I'm feel like shit bc he has had two divorces under the age of 35 and just b4 me had a relationship end kind of badly. I wanted to show him that there are good women out there. I didn't want to give him this. I don't want to go down in history as one more disaster or "bad luck" relationship. He's always said that he has bad luck with women. He told me that he doesn't want to get it. but his only concern is whether or not i have a cold sore at the time of intimacy. and I'm always the one bringing it up. It seems to stress him. he seems like he doesn;t want to deal with it. Meanwhile I'm concerned that those "hair bumps" were cold sores and it kills me every day.

 

Oh, I forgot something...so b4 I started the relationship with him, it felt like I only had prodrome symptoms in one place for the past 10 years since I got it. When I got with him, I started taking BC at the same time...I don't know if it was the stress of having sex with someone new or the BC or what but it felt like the virus spread to several more places on my chin and was creeping up into my lips. I felt constant pain everywhere. For the first time I felt tingling on my tongue and in my fingers. He went down on me and I felt little "pings" on my clit for about a week after. He insists that he was tested b4 we did anything and he always says "I know I ain't got shit." So...I don't really know what to think and I know noone understands but "I" just dont want to be the one who gave it to "Him."

[MaryJane]

Let me also add that if I avoided sex whenever I have symptoms, I'd NEVER have sex.

[2Legit2Quit]

Umm.. The only person stressing this, sounds like it is you and you projecting your anxiety onto him, is stressing him out. He clearly doesn't think it's a big deal and what's done is done and he's right. It's not the end of the world and one cannot assume that he got it, w out being tested and diagnosed first. I think your anxiety is so bad, I think there's a good chance it's psychosomatic for you. Try to relax and just because you pass H, if you even did, doesn't define you as being a shitty woman to him. How you treat him defines that, not H. I suggest you stop pushing this on him so much, because it sounds like you're stressing him out and let sleeping dogs lie, unless something real obvious comes out. In the meantime, have him go take a blood test in 3 months or since you think you exposed him. Has he ever had cold sores before or tested for herpes? Cause he could never have had them and come up positive on the test and there's no telling where the infection resides, w out a swab. Next time he should get it swabbed w in 48hrs. Also are you saying he has hair under the head of the penis? I've never seen hair on that part of the penis if that's the case.

 

So you take valtrex daily for your oral herpes and still have constant prodrome? Do you have autoimmune diseases, psoriasis, eczema, thyroid issues, etc? Take any steroid medication by chance?

 

Btw, herpes tests are not included in the full STD panel. If you don't specifically ask for it, then they don't test for it. This is why so many assume they're clean and they're not.

[MaryJane]

LOL you have a lot of things correct. Are you psychic?? lol I am SOOOOO anxious. I have tried meds (b4 this) for it and everything. it COULD be psychosomatic, I dont know. I do know that I've stressed myself so badly on some occassions that I will break out in hives on my face. I do know that I stress him out by mentioning it all the time. As to whether or not he's ever had herpes, I don't know. I know about a year b4 we were intimate, he was talking about cold sores at work and saying they were herpes. He asked me had I ever had one and I said no bc there were other people around, and I knew he would have started teasing me if I said yes. I asked the question back to him and he said no. However, after we were intimate and i expressed my concerns, I asked him if he'd ever had one and he just looked at me. I didn't know how to take that, and chicken'd out on getting more info. had he just said "yes" I wouldnt still be stressing 8 months later. I bring it up nearly every time I see him. crazy, I know. I DO have eczema!!! I never connected that with an autoimmune disease! and I don't know for sure that I have thyroid issues but I DO know that I have low iron and I take an iron pill along with a thyroid. The iron has no effect but if I miss my thyroid supplements...I am in deep trouble. I get tired to the point of barely being able to get up in the morning. As for the constant prodrome even on Valtrex, i feel a tingle if I even think about the fact that I havent had a tingle in a while. also get tingles after eating sweets. which is constant and likkkkeee I can't stop. I want to, but I am so not emotionally healthy.....

[2Legit2Quit]

Cause a spaz can recognize a spaz. My mother said to me once, "I swear to god!! If you don't find something to stress about, you're not happy!" She said I was always looking for something, because I had to direct my angest somewhere!! I'm not nearly as bad now in my 30s w my personal life, but I'm still pretty bad about it at work.

 

I'm amazed at how people will live in such vagueness and not ask someone to elaborate further. l. I wish I could shut my mouth, but I have no filter and am a habitual boundary breaker...

 

Yup, a guy I dated w both simplexes was having all these crazy symptoms. Almost like fibro, fatigue and dizziness, alone w pain. Turns out it was HSV 1 causing it, after he had gotten a couple steroid shots for his psoriasis and years later, it was like he still couldn't get it under control w those symptoms, but didn't get fold sores.

 

I have autoimmune disease's and am hypothyroid, so I know how H can be hard to control. Having those. Where did you get your supplements for the thyroid support, yu have me intrigued on that. I suggest you go see a rheumatologist asap, to be tested for autoimmune disease's.

 

Do you take anything for your anxiety? I feel prystiq tokk the edge off for me.

 

Join the club, I'm not emotionally healthy either! Ha!

 

DON'T BRING IT UP AGAIN. If he wants to talk about it. He will. I too an be obsessive w my questions, if I really am not trusting their response deep down.

[MaryJane]

I order the supplements from Amazon. They're just called "Thyroid Support." I love them. Also I was taking some Herp Eeze which you take four on an empty stomach and it was working fabulously til I decided to get smart and take the dosage twice a day. I got sick and threw up from it. (Throwing up is really rare for me). Ever since throwing up I cant take them on an empty stomach any more. Now this other stuff call Herp B gon seemed to stop the virus from growing. don't know if I mentioned bu it had started to feel like it was creeping up and chin and I was starting to feel it creeping up through my lips. the herp b gon penetrated and eased all of that. Stinks and triggers my sinuses though. i tell you, all this never happened b4 I had sex with him and started taking bc...so thats weird. At one point my whole chin felt like it was breaking out. now there are about six spots that tingle on my chin and bottom of lip whereas it only used to be one. They never turn into bumps though.

 

yes i saw a hair under the head of the penis when i was down there one day! lol. I kept wondering what felt scratchy and I looked at it and it was a hair jutting out! never seen that b4 either.

 

for my anxiety I was taking cymbalta years ago and it was lovely! I stopped when I quit that job. Tried prozac on a docs recommendation and that was a disaster.

 

bout to try hypnotism...

and mediation...

and changing my self talk...

 

I love that you are so vocal on here. noone in my life understands this...thank you.

[2Legit2Quit]

Cymbalta RUINED my brain! I wish I never touched that shit! Prystiq really helps to take the edge off. Yeah, it's important for me to let others who suffer from unusual symptoms and have trouble controlling it, to be there to let them know they're not alone. Although I knew several people w H before I got it, none of them experienced what I went through w it. Even the GYNO, GP and rheumatologist were shocked and didn't really wanna believe H was causing my all these strange issues I had.

[MaryJane]

Yes I have heard others complain about cymbalta...I wish I could find something that would help....

 

Yeah people don't believe me cause I tend to be dramatic.

 

side note/question...is it not possible to delete or edit your posts on here? Just realizing all this stuff is out there for the world to see.

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Hahahah! I think some may say that about me when I'm bitching about something, but I don't think I'm so much as dramatic, as I'm just theatrical and feel emotions deeper than most.

 

I think I asked if you had been tested for autoimmune disease's? Don't think you answered that? I really think you should see a rheumatologist. Have you tried prystiq?

 

You can edit them. Top right corner of your post, there is a widget. If you want something deleted, you gotta tag adrial.

[2Legit2Quit]

How do you think anyone is going to piece together that it's you? I can assure you, that people don't go trolling herpes forums to read posts, to see if they find someone they know on there. You're way worrying about this too much. I give very detailed information about my life. If my ex husband came on here, I'm sure he'd wonder if it was me, but I know the chances are very unlikely.

[MaryJane]

I don't know about seeing a rheumatologist. I don't really know what I'd say sense I don't really have any symptoms of anything. I've never heard of Prystiq but I do think it's worth doing some research on....

[2Legit2Quit]

Well you say you have symptoms regarding your thyroid and how you feel bad when you don't take the thyroid support. That's a symptom right there. Seeing an endocrinologist may be the route to go to have tests done, to explain that you feel something may be going on, because your immune system is having a hard time controlling H.

 

The only negative symptom I have w prystiq and this will shock you, was breast pain and tenderness... Specifically my nipples. They became more sensitive and when I'm hormonal, it intensifies the tenderness I have before my cycle. It's a recorded side effect too, but not a common one.

[MaryJane]

I have sensitive breasts all the time any way...I might not mind the nipple sensitivity. ;-) It wouldn't hurt to see someone and start getting my life together. i'm only 40. lol.

[MaryJane]

You know what??? I constantly am on the verge of catching a cold too. I always take Vitamin C. My cycle really does a number on me and causes my immune system to weaken but maybe it really is due to underlying autoimmune issues....

[2Legit2Quit]

Are you on birth control ? Could be hormonal related. Many women these days seem to be hitting pperi menopause in late 30s, early 40s. Two people I know did and their blood comes back normal, but they have all the symptoms of it.

[MaryJane]

Yes. this all kicked wwwwaaaaaaayyyy up a notch when i started BC. I do feel like I'm in menopause early bc I'm drier....

[MaryJane]

Have you ever heard of any one whose problem areas seem to rotate? first it will be my right bottom lip will tingle, then my left. Then maybe a spot and the edge of my chin. Then a spot further up and so on....

 

[2Legit2Quit]

I've seen people in my life have it in different places. I was shocked to see ona cold sore on my neighbors bottom lip the other day, as it's always been on her top lip in all the 8yrs I've known her.

 

My genital herpes jumps around..

 

One of those wellness or DO docs are great about finding out what's missing in your body and treating premenopausal symptoms.

[MaryJane]

What is a DO doc?

[MaryJane]

I was hoping you'd tell me I was tripping about the Herpes jumping around. Le Sigh. LOL

[2Legit2Quit]

Nope, I've had on my crack, anus z all over my buttcocks and one small one periodically pops up in the same place below my cheek, groin crease, pubic bone area, all over my vagina and inside, inner thighs, etc... It just wants to cover all ground w me. A DO is more about identifying what's going on w your body as a whole and trying to resolve it as a whole. They tend to see one problem, as the cause of something else being off and see the body holistically, vs a MD just treating the symptoms or specific aliment. DOs look to make sure your body is in perfect balance and believe it must be to treat your problem, rather than the symptoms.

[WCSDancer2010]

So: you have HSV1 oral and HSV2 genital? So do I. I'm 54 and I've had several relationships with H- men. The only one who got it from me is my ex-hubby ... because at that point I didn't know what my "rash" was... H info in the early 80's wasn't that great but we remained married for 20 yrs and divorced amicably over due to growing in different directions.

 

I suggest you do 3 things:

 

1) Print out the handouts on here and give them to him so you know he's got some good information.

 

2) Try to get him to go to your OBGYN or Planned Parenthood with you, and have them explain the facts to him.

 

3) Once you have done what you can to educate him, LET IT GO. He's a grown assed man and he has to make grown assed choices about what risks in life that he's willing to take. If he chooses you KNOWING the facts, then your only job is to take great care of your body so you have fewer OB's and your body can remain strong and keep the virus suppressed.

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

Think on it :)

 

(((HUGS)))