Feeling frustrated, having a down day

[optimist]

I'm generally pretty optimistic, but I'm feeling really down today.

 

I'm not in a relationship but I'm starting to date again so I've gone on Valtrex (500mg per day) to minimize risk of transmission. I've been taking it for maybe 10 days now and don't notice any bothersome side effects, so that's good news. I haven't had sex yet but I feel better knowing I will be prepared if that opportunity arises. Though I don't have symptoms, my doctor responded well to my request for Valtrex and said it should allow me to have sex without passing on HSV-2. I know from my own research that his statement is not entirely accurate and I feel compelled to tell prospective partners there is still a small risk, as there is with almost any sexual encounter, whether the risk is diagnosed or more often undiagnosed HSV-1, HSV-2, HPV, etc.

 

I haven't yet had "the talk" with someone I'm dating as I'm in very early stages of dating and haven't been physical beyond light kissing. But I've had conversations with a recent ex-boyfriend that have been very discouraging. I've had similar conversations with old trusted friends of both genders with mixed results; some encouraging, some very discouraging.

 

There are two things I've found particularly discouraging in some of these conversations. First, I find that some people just can't deal with known risk but are easily able to take unknown risks. This feels so unfair to me. At first I took it personally (that someone would avoid taking a known risk with me but would be willing to take an unknown risk with someone else) but I've heard the same line of thinking from a few people now and just think it's an unfortunate aspect of human nature combined with the overwhelming stigma of HSV-2. I also find these particular people don't want to be educated about the risk in the general population because they want to continue to believe they are safe and in control of whether they contract (or have already contracted) HSV. They want to believe they can tell who has it, they don't want to believe there are people who have it and don't know it, etc. This is particularly frustrating for me when discussing it with people in my own age group (late 40s) considering HSV-2 is not curable and the percentage of infected people increases with age. By my age, a single woman is more likely infected than not but only a small fraction are aware of their status. Given that antivirals are cutting my risk in half, this actually places me at medium risk in the general dating pool of women my age (those who are positive and not taking antivirals are highest risk of transmitting, those who are negative are lowest risk, and those who are positive and taking antiviral therapy are in between. To me, this makes logical sense, but there is so much fear around HSV-2, and so much incentive for people to believe they can control catching it, I fear it won't matter to anyone but me. I guess I need to look at it as mattering where it really counts in that I'm less likely to pass it on while taking antivirals, rather than thinking about how challenging it might be to get laid.

 

But that brings me to my second issue which is somewhat related. I'm frustrated by the thought that someone will likely be willing to take the risk but still be anxious about it or that it will diminish the sexual experience for them in some way. That really bums me out. I mean, every time I have sex with a guy I could be contracting HPV that ultimately gives me cancer, but I love sex, so I'm willing to take that risk and I don't let it get in the way of my enjoyment of it. I wish it was the same way with this. I want to find a partner who truly doesn't worry about it, just like I don't dwell on how they might have undiagnosed HPV. Or just like how I've never, ever worried about contracting GHSV-1 through oral sex, even knowing most guys carry HSV-1. I've just let myself enjoy it. Is it possible I will find someone who can do that with HSV-2? I want to believe it's possible but my preliminary conversations have been very discouraging in this regard.

 

To be perfectly clear, when I say I "don't worry" that doesn't mean I don't practice safe sex. I use condoms for intercourse. But I'll admit I've never used any barrier methods for oral sex.

[Katidid]

My H- husband never ever brings up my herpies, ever! I've had this since age 23 or 24. We've been married 20 years and lived together a year prior. He just does not worry about it at all.....it's his nature not to worry about things he can't control. After 20 years of sex with condoms and no anti viral ( I just started anti viral a month ago) I don't ever think about it either. I only have about 5 ob's a yr. Hoping anti viral will take that to zero. He just never even thinks about it so I don't have a thing to worry about either. Life is great! Our sex life is fab.......lots of oral!!!

[optimist]

Thanks, @Katidid. That's encouraging to hear, though the idea of using condoms in monogamous relationships forever kind of bums me out. I'm no longer fertile, so using condoms in a monogamous discordant relationship would be strictly a measure to bring the risk down from 2% to 1% (per year) which I suppose is something, but still bums me out. I'm getting ahead of myself though. I probably need to not think about that yet.

[Katidid]

I understand what you are saying completely. We are much safer than 90% of the population ( my opinion) because we know what we have. My husband doesn't want herpies, but has never stressed over it either. He has never seemed to mind a condom, but he have oral more often than intercorse.....so, of course. He doesn't mind that at all lol.

[optimist]

Thanks, @katidid. I appreciate your responses.

[Sandraa]

I understand what you are saying completely. We are much safer than 90% of the population ( my opinion) because we know what we have. My husband doesn't want herpies, but has never stressed over it either. He has never seemed to mind a condom, but he have oral more often than intercorse.....so, of course. He doesn't mind that at all lol.

Just read this and it warmed my heart @Katidid. Life without oral isn't worth living hahahaha :D. Jokes aside, I am going to send all my prospective partners to this discussion (and many more on here) as part of the herpes education process. Thank you for sharing @optimist.

[Katidid]

Awesome!!! Own it!!!

[optimist]

@Sandraa, it's funny reading this old post (almost two years old now) because I started disclosing the following month and had many positive disclosure experiences. Not that every single experience worked out, but most did. Hang in there!

[Sandraa]

@Sandraa, it's funny reading this old post (almost two years old now) because I started disclosing the following month and had many positive disclosure experiences. Not that every single experience worked out, but most did. Hang in there!

<3 @optimist @katdid

 

[butterfly2018]

This post is great. Especially the last paragraph... I'm so worried about my boyfriend staying out of pity, but truly changing our plans to have kids or taking the risk of being with me unprotected again at some point. Or even protected, but still okay.

 

I guess I just want to be worth the risk. I know that's a huge ask.