Probability of transmission in poly dating situation?

[Pop]

My wife has HSV1 genitally and is on acyclovir, but I have remained negative for over 11 years with her. I am also currently dating a non-infected partner that has lupus. Because of her compromised immune situation, she is very afraid of catching the virus. However, our only real sexual contact is kissing. I've read that the annual transmission rate female-to-male (female on meds) of HSV1 genitally is 2%. And the transmission rate from male-to-female (no meds) is 10%. Doesn't that make the chance of me getting the virus and transmitting without knowing I have it .2% annually? And what does that translate to providing 2 encounters a month? It seems astronomically low, but I'd like to have a "1 in _____" number per encounter, but don't have the math knowledge to figure this out. Anybody know how to figure this out so that I can allay her fears?

[optimist]

@Pop - It sounds like your concern is passing along HSV1 via kissing. You mentioned you don't have HSV1. Is that an assumption based on lack of symptoms or have you been recently tested? And has the woman with Lupus been tested to check her HSV1 status? The majority of adults are infected with HSV1, so thought I would ask.

[Pop]

I tested negative late last year. Getting tested again this weekend. Same with her - her last test was negative. The dating partner is asking to be notified when there is oral genital contact with my wife when it is near the time of our dates, but my wife and I find this intrusive to our privacy. Does the partner "deserve" to know of this contact if the transmission rates are next to nil and I would otherwise constantly be within the "waiting period" for emergence of a new infection? Partner is considering eliminating kissing from the relationship if her fears can't be quieted.

[optimist]

@Pop - Normally I would say this sounds like an anxious person who should not be in such a relationship. In this case, given her existing health concerns, I understand why she is so nervous about it. Is it the case that she would otherwise refrain from kissing *anyone* who might have oral HSV1 (most adults)? Or do you think she is making some distinction between HSV1 and GHSV1?

[Sil88]

This link helps when you start thinking about per-act percentages:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5255/from-dr-peter-leone-herpes-transmission-risk-per-sex-act-explained/p1

[Pop]

No, I don't think she's making a distinction. And she probably *wouldn't* kiss anyone that was HSV+ orally. But I'm negative and have been for years. The worry, supposedly, is that I'll unknowingly get exposed and become infected, but then interact with her before I know I'm infected. And it seems (to me) like layers upon layers of improbability of her getting it. But she's read horror stories about people with lupus and HSV, so I'm trying to get something concrete I can point to in order to quiet her fears.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Pop

 

We have a few things here as I see it:

 

1) Unless she has EVERY new partner that she comes across tested for HSV1 before she kisses them, odds are she will be (and has been) exposed to people with HSV1 many times

 

2) Given her Lupus though, I understand her concerns and fears. Lupus alone is shitty enough. Lupus and any other illness/virus that affect the immune system just plain sucks.

 

3) You can only give her the info and let her figure out what/where she's willing to take a risk. However, you really can't nickle-and-dime the stats. Yes, the risk of you getting it orally are minuscule... the risk of then passing it to her are also minuscule. But the chance of her getting Lupus was also pretty damn low (depending on whether a family member had it or not, it could have been as low as .25% (no family members with lupus) ... up to 4% with immediate family members who have it, and she got it. So she's already got the crappy end of the statistics stick and you can't blame her for being a little gun shy around stats.

 

4) *Perhaps* she's just not a good fit for you. Or you for her. If the whole relationship is going to be wrought with her anxiety over whether you have had oral sex with your wife or not, perhaps you need to acknowledge and accept that given her compromised immune system, she's not a good fit. Sometimes, no matter how "perfect" a person seems or is, there are just plain deal breakers that can't be overcome and that doesn't mean either person is bad or to blame.

[MMissouri]

I'm usually one that supports any relationship but I will say I'm leaning towards WCSdancers #4. It's one thing for you to take a risk with someone because you love them/want them, but it's very obvious that this new partner is not willing to take that risk. And honestly, it just does not seem like a good situation from the get go. She's going to be paranoid (rightly so, and I understand that), she seems to want limits on your already established relationship (needs the oral to genital information) and then after (if) you reveal that information it will probably be an issue in your relationship with her because she will most likely limit sexual contact and want further testing for each act you and your wife share.

 

I see this as a disaster waiting to happen. It's going to put stress on your relationship with your wife (she is now the big "risk" in the equation) and you are going to be caught in the middle because you are the one that isn't eliminating the risk in the new relationship. I'd let this one go. Just my thoughts.