Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

2nd Summer


Guest lifesentence

Recommended Posts

Guest lifesentence

First off I would like to say mad props. to Adrial you a real mufucka bruh...takes heart to do what you did and have done Im sure you have saved some peoples lives...I will never be one of them why?? I dont know too smart for my own good...too much of a realist...Idk maybe I feel like some people hear things like Pocahantas and think of her singing with John Smith aka the disney version and Im like naw shorty ass was getting raped and was like 13 aka the reality of the situation...anyways my life died 2014 in the summer....i was 24 its a few days from my 26th birthday and needed to vent my waste of a life on here...If your real optimistic and believe in happy ending dont read this...its just too real

 

 

this Will be the 2nd summer of not enjoying the nice weather because whats the point?

2nd summer of knowing that every time a girl smiles at me or flirts or show interest if just a painful reminder of the hell that I have been sentenced to

2nd summer of constant grief and pain and depression and now a numb feeling of loss

2nd summer of not hanging out with friends because again what the muthafuckin point

2nd summer of my family wondering why there son/ cousin/ brother in his mid 20s doesn't date or go out

2nd summer of knowing that no matter how much inspirations bullshit you read the reality is you will be talked about and probably used as what not to do if you told your family..example dont have unprotected sex or you will end up like your Uncle, cousin, etc.

2nd summer of wishing I had never taken the condom off

2nd summer of thinking I should run a razor blade across the bitch face and disfigure her

2nd summer of for every time I laugh it ends with a numb feeling of loss and imprisonment

2nd summer of living in HELL

2nd summer of not telling my family because it would break there hearts

2nd summer of knowing random hook ups are over unless I tell them and then your at the mercy of being outed

2nd summer of knowing that shaming people that dont want to have sex with a diseased human being is FUCKIN IDIOTIC

2nd summer of never having sex again

2nd summer of knowing if I did have sex I would always have to use a condom

2nd summer o knowing always using a condom is a fuckin joke and makes sex mechanical and not organic or real

2nd summer of feeling mentally spiritually and emotionally trapped

2nd summer of reading how people date with herpes but knowing that its bullshit because some of dont want some one cuddle with and all that bullshit

2nd summer of knowing some of us just wanna fuck and having sex with someone with this curse means telling them which is trusting them and some muthfuckas u dont trust u just want to fuck

2nd summer of knowing my dream of music is FUCKING OVER becuase you cant be a diseased rapper talking about hookin up with girls when obviosly its not the truth

2nd summer of knowing I would be the first rapper to get famous with no groupies cuz I got a dirty dick

2nd summer of knowing I will never have a family, never have a son or daughter, never have a relationship becuase you would have to risk the person your with and that is selfish and shameful.

2nd summer of everytime I see a couple of people on a date knowing thats gone forever

2nd summer of knowing if someone is willing to have sex with a Hsv2 person doesnt mean they love you more than the stigma it means they have something fundamentally wrong with them...they lack self love and self preservation

2nd summer of knowing if you have herpes and tell in a relationship you will NEVER have the upper hand they can always throw it in your face and subconsciously feel there doing you a favor and can put your business in the streets if they are mad

2nd summer of my youth being snatched from me and death being the only thing that sounds peaceful

2nd summer thinking condoms forever is the best it gets WOW my life is fucked

2nd summer of thinking I would have to pump toxic chemicals into my body to be ok (antivirals)

2nd summer of being a zombie because my life is buried and rotting at this point im just going threw the motions

2nd summer....yea.....2nd summer

Link to comment

I'm proud of you for posting this. Because now you have a record of so many of the thoughts you're thinking that are taking you down this depressed path. And now you have a community of people to support you in doing just that. No one posts a vent on here without wanting to change. It's why you took the action to join H Opp in the first place. So do you want to change your perspective on this? Do you see how it's not the herpes that's making your life the way it is, but it's because you believe all this stuff you wrote? This isn't being a realist, my man. It's believing the hype. And you said it yourself: You're smarter than that.

 

It's time to go deeper, brother ...

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

Link to comment

Damn, that was a creative way of venting.. I wouldnt normally read a full post that long, but 2nd summer is a good idea for a track (if it was less specific to herpes). Maybe 3rd summer could be about your transformation and growing from what's happened. But the amount of pussy most rappers get, you think you're the only musician with herpes? Plus, I never got what's so bad about condoms.. Never felt as much difference as most people make out. Hanging out with friends doesn't have to change.. The point in hanging is the same as it ever was, but now you should be able to appreciate them and other little things more. You can chill out, smoke up, rate girls or whatever - they don't have to know about that little thing at the back of your head. I think you should keep focusing on your music, you're sound, and lotta girls love hard to get anyway.

Link to comment

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am new to this, and as sex was not on my mind all the time before, it totally is right now. Not in a physical kind of way, but anything related to it. As I pass cars on the way to work, I look through car windows, check people out and think about whether they have herpes. Seeing pictures of beautiful women was my inspiration to look after myself, now it is kinda reminding me that it doesn't matter what I look like, because of herpes. I was ok being alone even if it was going to be forever, now I think I will be alone, because of herpes. Going out is not fun anymore as everybody is talking about sex and relationships, and that's something I try to distance myself from, because I might not have it ever again because of herpes. Same with watching movies and listening to music. It's all about having sex or falling in love ... And there is the thought of herpes ... BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT I HAVE LEARNED BEFORE ... ALL THIS SHIT is YOU and ME ... It is not actually HERPES, it is our thoughts ... We are making our lives hell because we are unable to think of anything else and can't enjoy the moment ... We are focusing on the fears we have now and projecting them into the future and it is fuck*n scary. We know how this is affecting us mentally and can't imagine making someone else feel this way. But maybe, just maybe what is a big deal to us, is not a big deal to others. Did you ever hear of anybody becoming suicidal over a cold sore? I have not ... And in return for love and great sex, knowing it would last forever, would you be willing to scratch your privates from time to time? I know I would ... That's what love is ... You think it is forever and when you meet that person nothing else matters ... So maybe, just maybe we are both lovable enough and someone will take that chance ... And maybe just maybe we will feel good enough about ourselves and know that we bring much more to the relationship than just a dirty penis and vagina ... Until than we both have a lot of work to do ... We both have to put herpes aside and find our true value ...

Link to comment

Hello @lifesentance,

 

Wow, I have to say this is one of the most powerful posts I've ever read on this forum. As someone who is entering his 30th summer you have brought back many memories from when I was where you are at right now. I can identify with just about every thing you wrote. It sucks. Somehow I made my way through. I admit it was not easy. It took me almost a full decade before I started facing it head on. I believe this post is your first step. It's a big one, and for that I congratulate you.

 

I hope you spend time reading thru this site. There are many success stories of people overcoming their fears. Finding love and understanding. Discovering that herpes will in no way stop them from living the life they want to live. Its just a nuisance skin condition. Learning to tell the stigma to fuck the hell off.

 

This link http://herpeslife.com/herpes-support-groups/ is to a list of local support groups. If there is one near you I strongly recommend you attend a meeting or two. I attended one and it did wonders for me. After the first meeting I felt a huge weight lifted off me. I know the thought of attending such a meeting seems daunting. I remember I was nervous as hell walking in the first time. It was worth it though.

 

This blog http://supporttruthanddialog.com/ is worth a read too. It is written by @WCSDancer2010 who is the forum mom here. I'm sure she'll be along eventually with some comments.

 

Hang in there. You may think I'm full of shit for saying it, but life does get better. I know I would not have believed it all those years ago. I've had herpes since I was 20. 29 years have passed since then...life goes on. I married at 30. We've had 2 children(the oldest graduates high school next week). Worked for the same company almost 25 years now.

 

Follow your dreams, they just might turn out better than you expect.

Link to comment

@lifesemtence You might think I'm full of shit too, but I've gone 35 summers and life is great! I found and married someone over 20 years ago who doesn't give a shit about my herpies and he is H- as far as we know. The second summer isn't over yet.....give it a chance to be the last summer you feel this way!

Link to comment
Guest lifesentence

 

appreciate everyone's comments and taking your time out your life to respond to a lost cause..thank you from the bottom of what used to be my heart thank you...everyone is so positive here...I have nothing positive to say at all except for of course my test results.......I feel that its easier for woman because MOST are looking for one person to be with and that whole hallmark shit and alot of guys think with there dicks or are just suckers looking to save someone...where as for guys females are more methodical and think things out when it comes to sex...(well the smart ones some hoes is fuckin stupid) its mostly woman on here because for alot of men until a certain age there motives for most things is sex...when that is ripped from you there is nothing really left for you...What get a "happy relationship" no disrespect to those of you that have that...God bless you...but FUCK THAT i aint want that shit before and now i REALLY don't I aint trust these half these bitches before and now I REALLY don't...yea its my fault of course I chose to take the condom off...last I heard she started stripping got a boyfriend that beats her ass...so maybe there is a God....hopefully he puts tha bitch in a hospital or the morgue...well a boy can only dream right? I have so much hatred I feel bad venting on here...all yall are good people...im like that one showing up at an AA meeting drunk as hell....im infected and the thought of having sex with someone like me makes my stomach churn All I can see is HSV2...A support group?? Idk that has to be the most humiliating thing on earth...HOW IS PERSON THAT DOESN'T WANNA BE WITH SOMEONE THAT HAS A LIFE SHATTERING DISEASE THAT MAKES THEM MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO FUCKIN HIV A JERK??? some of yall kill me that shit maybe some of yall would but for tha most part before this if someone told you they had herpes all they would so is the back of your shoes and RIGHTFULLY SO..."that not a person you want to be with anyway there immature" nooo mufucka they dont want to get trapped in this fucking misery of isolation and hopeless ness...i dont blame a single soul that doesnt want to play Russian roulette with they dick or pussy...its illogical in every way....I dont want a deep connection I dont want any of that shit....I just wanna be able to do me and run through as many brauds as I can thats it very simple and that has been ripped from me...I have nothing now nothing...just emptiness...casual sex means disclosing which means trusting and most bitches AINT SHIT...theyll just turn around and hurt you with that info if you do anything to them its like your at tha mercy of tha courts and tha court is in 1960s Mississippi and your black.

Link to comment

@lifesentence I know you are hurting. I don't want to minimize that. But I will share some information that helped me when I was having similar thoughts about my sex life being over. (I am an older divorced woman who is mostly looking for a physical outlet, not a life partner.) There is risk in every casual sex encounter. Speaking strictly about HSV, according to projectaccept.org, roughly 64% of people in their 20s, 81% of people in their 30s, and 93% of people in their 40s are infected with HSV1, HSV2 or both, meaning that the majority of adults engaging in casual sex are capable of transmitting genital herpes through either oral sex or intercourse. I know it doesn't feel that way. The stigma is powerful and the fact that the majority is unaware of their status generates an illusion of rarity that can make us feel like we are in a small minority of damaged people who should be quarantined from the "healthy" people. The facts simply do not support that.

 

It sounds like you are concerned about the consequences of disclosing and feel that women are less likely to be accepting than men. Based on the posts I've read here, I haven't noticed a pattern like that. You may want to check out hippyherpy's numerous posts. I think he has stated about 80-90% of his prospects have chosen to have casual sex with him after he disclosed. Some people will walk away, yes, but it seems most are accepting.

 

I would also encourage you to talk with someone about your anger toward the person who transmitted the virus to you. Pushing through that anger may help you to heal and move through the grief process to acceptance. I know you are hurting and hope you can find peace.

Link to comment

When you first posted this, I could relate to a lot of what you had to say. I'm a veteran (have had this since 99), but I had my first outbreak when I was engaged, so it didn't really affect my life. Currently, Im going through a divorce, so now I'm dealing with what this possibly means in the future. The H itself isn't what gets me down. It's peoples reaction to it. Some of the things you say are valid. I agree. When I'm having a pity party a lot of what you say rings true. But I don't want to hop on that train and ride them thoughts out because they aren't going to do me any good.

 

Here's what ticked me off about your post, and it's not that your angry. We all get angry. It's not that your hurting, we've all been there..it's this..

 

You want to run around and have sex with lots of girls. Don't want to be tied down in a relationship and yet in the same breath you are going off on woman that might want the same lifestyle. Hoes you called them.

 

You have a lot of anger with your giver. Maybe she didn't know. Maybe she did. And if she did, maybe she felt as low as you do now. Maybe, just maybe, you can kinda understand where she's coming from. All this talk about wanting her disfigured, dead, etc. Do you realize you are talking as if her life is worthless because she has H, and basically insulting everyone on the boards? We have counselors, doctors, mlts, dancers, postal workers, college students, professionals- you name it we have it. No one is worthless, yourself included.

 

You see people with like problems coming together everyday. Support groups. Whether it be cancer, race, disabilities, veterans, drugs, or stds. It's people who can relate and bond over things that other people don't understand (for the most part). There is no shame in that. It's having people build you up when you're down. Yeah, sometimes when you're in a dark place, it's hard to accept how the message is coming across. It sounds all happy and delusional but let me put it into some words that might ring true for you..

 

*Warning*

You're basically saying that your life is your dick. You can't enjoy the weather, your friends, your family, your rapping, your life, nothing at all.. because you're nothing without the use of your dick.

 

Think about that. THAT'S fucking sad. Not that you have herpes. But that you can't see your value without the use of something between your legs.

 

Sorry, that's what I'm reading. That's what you're saying. You're value as a human being amounts to how much you get laid. It's all about priorities, and personally, I'd rather be something more than a vagina.

 

Be a rapper. Be a role model. Be a good friend and family member. Be whatever you want to be. And someone will find you attractive, find you worth it, and want you for you. Yes, even with herpes, someone is going to love you regardless. If you walk around like a cold sore, expect to be treated like one. If you walk around knowing you are more than that, someone is going to see you ARE more than that, and take a chance with you.

 

 

 

Link to comment

Ditto what MMissouri said exactly!! Where do you think all the women on here got herpies from?? We got it from men. Some who knew they had it and others who didn't know they had it. Most of us woman felt very down, dirty, disgusted, their life was over, maybe they couldn't have children etc....At some point you have to get past the grieving process and pick yourself up and move on. You will never move on if you don't want to!!! We can't help if you if you don't want to help yourself. There are plenty of guys on here as MMissouri mentioned (Hippyherpy) is a young guy who loves women and has one night stands damn near every weekend and discloses to all of them and they are all willing to take a chance. You have to realize that you are actually more safe than 80% of the rest of the population because you know you have herpies and you know what to do to prevent transmission down to very minimal odds. Adrial is a man (the founder of this organization and site that we all find comfort in) and he has disclosed to the whole world!!! His life has moved forward and you can too if you want to.

 

 

 

Link to comment

I don't care what you think or feel, but I can't imagine why it's OK to make posts on this forum that encourage or celebrate violence against women, or anyone for that matter. You talk about women like they're some kind of disposable toy for your pleasure, and then lament your situation. Well, if you planned to be fucking around indiscriminately, you were probably going to get HSV eventually anyway.

Link to comment

Well, looks like he's not here anymore by his profile but I want to voice my opinion anyway

 

Obviously the mans world has been shaken upside by this disease, like we all have at one point or another, and still might.(kuddos to those that handled the news well)..he was venting, and just because some of us don't like the tone or words in his vent, I wouldn't view it yet as a personal attack on women, he's obviously hurting...if it continued obviously it would be offensive.

 

Hopefully with time and support his tone and words will relax, at times we think we are indestructible with our behavior, and that's not usually the case.

Link to comment

@chicagokid..I could relate to the first post. Not the second. The second just really struck me wrong. Try to keep in mind that although some of us have a very positive mind frame about this, some of us struggle still. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive. I wasn't in a good place myself. Since you've clarified what you are feeling, I'm so right there with you.

 

I also struggle with casual sex and disclosures for the exact same reason. One, someone has the potential to hurt you by rejection. And two, they can spread your business everywhere. Yeah, it takes a lot of trust to tell someone, and how can you trust someone you don't know...

 

And people will talk. I don't care if they don't say it to your face, they will talk. It's human nature. How many conversations have one of us been in where a guys size is talked about, boobs, performance, weight, etc? So and so has the clap, bitch gave me crabs.. I've heard it all. lol. It's just another way to gossip. We don't have to like it, but it's going to happen. It's no different than any other gossip I guess. I try to keep that in mind.

 

I understand your anger with your giver (and yourself, yes?). I don't know if this will help you or not, but even if you kept the condom on, there is still a chance you could have got it. Condoms don't (100%) prevent the spread of H unfortunately, it just lowers the risk.

And as far as your giver goes, you have to let it go. It's done. I get that it's changed your life but holding onto that anger isn't helping you.

 

You don't strike me as a weak person. You dealt with some backlash (sorry) and came right back and defended yourself. Props for that. I think you're going to be just fine.

 

 

 

Link to comment

Everyone here has said something in anger because of this, there's even personal vengeance threads. Glad you got to get your story out, I think it helps a lot. I take it you haven't told anybody, even your sisters friend or the girl you slept with?

Link to comment

I am upset i dont get to have casual unprotected sex anymore. I look at pictures of me 3 weeks ago and think how different my life was. The fact is that you can only have unprotected sex so many times before SOMETHING happens. Its all fun and games until you get herpes. Lol. The way I see it, I have been mostly identifying myself as a young blonde party girl and I am thankful for the reminder that there is more to me than just that.

Link to comment

@chicagokid Okay, so we agree people will talk. When I told my mom, she told my friends and family and they all were worried about washing toilet seats and what if they got it. I was so angry that she spread the news and she said she did it for their protection, not to hurt me. They were all running to the doctor and asking questions about what their chances were of getting it from me. And they got educated. People who are educated and know the facts are more accepting. I will admit that the first couple of family gatherings were awkward. I knew they had all freaked out, but ya know they didn't tell me to stay away.

 

What would you do if the situation were reversed? What if this was your sister? Your lil nieces? Would you love them less? Yeah they talk. But in the long run, everything dies down and get old. A new topic will come and shake up the gossipers and they move on.

 

That girls reaction is because she doesn't know. She is reacting to the stigma about herpes. Are you dying? Does it seem as bad as you thought prior to getting it? Does your junk look like its about to rot off? I mean, come on. I've seen acne that looks worse than outbreaks. And that is why some people here have such a positive attitude about it. It isn't that they are just happy go lucky and delusional. It's because they know it could be so much worse. It could be cancer, it could be involuntary manslaughter, It could be living in a life long vegetative state. It could be so much worse. One day, you'll get that. It's about perspective, strength, and dealing with what life throws at you.

 

You can have showers, and unprotected sex. You can have all that. I promise. You don't want to be going raw in people until you are in a serious relationship. Like Hadvocate stated, we all took a risk. I work in a hospital and man I am thankful I didn't get worse. If you want casual sex then keep it casual. Wear the condoms and take the antivirals. Keep the intimacy (skin on skin) for someone you trust and love. You'll appreciate it more. But for now, why not just work on accepting H. Leave the future worries in the future. One thing at a time.

Link to comment

@Chicagokid you are welcome....I've been in your shoes, I've felt the pain of betrayal, and even reflecting at times think I was wrong and betrayed.

I also work in the medical setting, also deal with worse on a daily basis, and was highly embarrassed when my testing was sent to our facility....if I would of even suspected it would be positive I would of never sent it to our hospital. So I get feeling the emotional stigma associated with this disease.

I do take the approach one day at a time, and I do know time heals and we will be fine.

Just know you are not alone

Hugs

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...