Rejection...

[gr8fulheart]

Hello Friends.

So, I'm dealing with feelings associated with being rejected by someone who I really liked. It was going so well too. We had so much in common, had so much fun together and he really liked me, it was clear.

But, seeing his face change when I disclosed...well, it hurt. And feeling him pull away stunk. After asking for his honesty, he told me he couldn't risk it. And of course I understand. Before this happened to me, I'd probably of felt the same way. In fact, I'm sure I would have...and that stings a bit too.

It's just so damn discouraging.

Friends try to be supportive, but they just don't get it. "He was a jerk" "The next one won't care"...but he wasn't a jerk...he was pretty great...I keep hoping he'll come around. But that can't be healthy either.

I'm sad and mad and all kinds of things.

And if one more person says, "Aren't there dating sites where you can find people like you?" I'll scream!!!

 

[Bambina3]

I'm sorry, but I am right there with you....I also feel the same...I wouldn't touch me if I knew prior to h....so why expect someone else to?

They say time heals, but I'm still waiting

There is lots of good support here and links about very successful disclosure stories if you surf this site, might offer you some inspiration.

Hugs

[optimist]

@gr8fulheart - I'm so sorry. FWIW, some people do come around later after initially saying they can't risk it. Obviously it's important to respect someone's choice, but I've had this happen already in the brief time I've been aware of my positive status, so I want you to know it does happen. And I understand how people can have these contradictory responses because my own reaction to my diagnosis was strong and negative but changed with time and education.

 

I also have a friend who tells me I should explore dating sites for HSV+ people. I tell her that dating site is called Planet Earth. The majority of adults on any given dating site are HSV+.

 

 

[Elise1977]

I'm sorry. I am sure that was really hard. I'm with you, though, and agree that it doesn't make him a bad person. We all get to have our dealbreakers, even if others think they're ridiculous. I'm not saying this will happen in this particular situation, but I think what sometimes happens is that someone goes back to their friends and says "Bummer, I liked him/her, but s/he has herpes.", and that opens up a dialogue. I know that the minute I told my best friend I had it, she counted off a bunch of other people she knows that do, as well. It's just not something people talk about very much.

 

I'm still trying to convince another friend who knows of my diagnosis that his cold sore is herpes (and it's on his face, whereas mine doesn't show up at all!), but he refuses to say the word.

[optimist]

@Elise1977 I agree with you about the dialogue. I also think it helps when the HSV+ person takes steps to move on rather than trying too hard to influence the prospective partner. I don't know why exactly, but it seems this can trigger the prospective partner to reevaluate. And even if they don't reevaluate, the HSV+ person gets the benefits of having moved on.

[julia_l]

This just happened to me in April. My person also really liked me and I think he is a great guy, too. It hurts a lot but it's better to accept it and do the best you can to let it go. It's awful watching someone start to fall for you and run in the other direction when you tell them, but we need give strong and keep moving forward.

[julia_l]

I'm on all dating sites by the way both H sites and non H sites. I think it's important for us all to go on H sites because by shunning them ( not me, no way) we are propelling the stigma.

[julia_l]

I've seen people on H sites that I know in my area who are very educated and successful. You'd be surprised.

[gr8fulheart]

Thank you everyone for the support. It's been a tough year coming to terms with my diagnosis. This was my first disclosure, and being rejected really hurt. I suppose part of the problem is that I haven't been able to truly accept this myself. I feel different about myself.

@bambina3 - I'm still waiting too. If you need to talk I am here.

@elise1977 & @optimist - I do hope he comes around. I think part of the issue is that a lot of people aren't educated about HSV. Maybe he will take this opportunity to talk to people and get some perspective. But, regardless...I'll do my best to move on.

@julia_1 He pursued me for 9 months...and I knew how much he liked me. Seeing that change after disclosure is crushing. But you are right...I have to keep moving forward.

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I have to get off here (been on for about 2 hrs so I have to get back to my life...LOL! But these links may give you some perspective... and I'll try to check back in soon and add my own thoughts 🙂

 

And he may well come back once he's over the initial shock ... if he REALLLLLLY likes you, he will get educated so he will know if he made the right choice. And if he walks after that, it's not because of you... it's because HE is more concerned about a VERY small chance of getting it from you than he is about the relationship.... because with precautions and education, the odds of him getting it from you are pretty low.... about the same as his risk of being hurt or killed in a car accident. If he *gets* that ... if he *gets* that life is about taking risks for the things that may bring you joy, he'll be back.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

And if he comes back and wants info, these are great links

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

 

[bird]

I guy I know but did not date shared that he had met a girl who disclosed that she had HSVII. He told me this years before I ever got it myself (and he does not know that I have it now). Anyway, he would tell me how sad he was that he had to let her go because that was a deal-breaker for him. But years later, he is still single and lonely and I wonder how he WASTED a potentially GREAT relationship over something relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.

 

Now, it was just days ago that I disclosed and got rejected. But I have been slowly coming to realization that I need to STOP presenting it with so much SHAME. I really doesn't present myself well when I have so much shame. I think I'm going to try to remember this story of my friend who ended up lonely and remind myself that I have VALUE - exceptional value - despite some random condition!

[gr8fulheart]

I know, Bird. I'm having the same feelings. I suppose it will get easier. But, I can't help but feel some amount of insecurity and weight when I disclose. Friends tell me all the time that I have to learn to accept it myself, and then I will be accepted. I hear them. It's just very difficult.

[Bambina3]

Bird I am with you also on all these feelings....when I speak, I speak with great confidence....on the subject of h...confidence slide downhill....I rather not discuss it in my real life, because of the shame I still know I have behind my voice.

[Kaadee]

For me, it has been devastating being diagnosed with herpes. I am one of the most non judgemental individuals I know but.........and this is a big one, most individuals I know are very judgemental. I'm not sure if it is the bible-belt I live in or just the circle of people I know but I always find it so surprising how non-understanding people can be. I have disclosed and been accepted briefly and then they changed their mind after protected sex with meds and I have been rejected as well. After 8 years of having herpes, I still can't disclose without tears in my eyes and shame in my voice choking on tears. Being an educated person and well informed, reading every piece of information I can get my hands on I feel as if I'm as informed as someone can be on this virus. I will always continue to follow information but being an overly emotional individual doesn't help matters at all. So much so, I've been celibate for over 7 years and 3 months. That fear of rejection has cause me to isolate myself, romantically speaking. Being deathly afraid of rejection, I sabotage the relationship before anything can actually develop.

 

Just be proud of yourself that you are willing to get out there. I admire that greatly.

 

[hippyherpy]

Rejection can sting, but it doesn't have to. How did you disclose to him? If it gives you some hope- I've never been on a herpes dating site, and I've had plenty of successful disclosures.

 

How you disclose is very important because there are so many misconceptions with herpes.

 

He might have been rejecting what he thought of as herpes based on stigma.

 

And honestly, you can't blame people for rejecting something that seems scary to them, even if it's stigma. That said, you need to give him the real herpes concept and not let the stigma herpes take over.

 

There's three types of disclosures I've noticed.

 

- the person doesn't care

- the person doesn't know enough about it to make a decision

- the person has already decided

 

The second two require some kind education. The third requires not only education, but also a lot of reassurance that you are taking all the measures to keep them as safe as possible.

 

The second doesn't necessarily require too much explaining.

 

The third needs to go through a de-stigmatization process.

 

 

My advice is to gauge what the person needs as far as understanding herpes goes.

 

 

On another note- have you ever been rejected for things that aren't related to herpes? Herpes is just another thing that people may or may not reject you for. My point is that you shouldn't put it in it's own special category because not only is not really that big a deal, you are also feeding the stigma by doing that for yourself and maybe even others.

 

 

[SunDevourer]

Mmmm the thing is if you knew what you know now and someone approached you and told you that they have herpes... Would you still say no?

 

Granted it is your choice but does that say you're still struggling with the stigma of it?

How we talk to anyone about anything can really matter about how we say it.

 

Like my being gay. I always advise to never come out in a fight. No no no. Totally agree with Happy Hippo on this.

 

I think one of my "booty calls" hearing through the grape vine had herpes, but whether this was true or not. I dunno. It didn't brother me. I don't even know if he was the person my friend had said had herpes in the past. But we definitely had a bunch of unprecedented sex and never talked about our sexual activities with others. I don't recommend that.

[Rheilly19]

@gr8fulheart I am currently going through the same thing that you went through back in May. My heart is broken. And it's hard to talk to anyone about this because no one knows what it feels like. How are you doing? Have you moved on? As with any heartbreak, you wonder if you will be able to move on. Maybe knowing it is possible - if you have - it will be some peace of mind for me. I guess I also hope that the guy in my situation will come around...did yours? I feel so discouraged.

[gr8fulheart]

Hello @Rheilly19. I'm here for you. I get it.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, the guy did not come around. He became more uncomfortable around me and although we agreed to remain friends, I decided to cut ties. I knew it would be better for me that way.

It's true, I felt like I would never date again after facing that rejection, it hurt so bad. But after taking some time to regroup I'm back out there. I feel stronger and more confident. I'm using my previous rejection as a lesson, and I believe I will be better prepared when I disclose next time.

I just met a wonderful man, and although we are in the early stages of getting to know each other, I'm hopeful. I'll admit, I have herpes in the back of my mind...but, I'm reminding myself to be kind...kind to me...it's when we accept ourselves...that others respond with acceptance. I keep reminding myself how amazing I am, and how in the big scheme of things, herpes is not who I am. We are worthy of all that we want and it's there for us...you have to believe that.

Just take it day by day...you'll find your way through. And I'm here for you if you need to talk, okay? I know people who have never had to go through this give the worst advice LOL That's why you have us :-)

[hippyherpy]

The haters don't know what's up. Stick with the positive (no pun intended). Life is too short not too.