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feeling broken


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Last week week I was diagnosed with HSV-1. Symptoms developed just 3 days after sex with my ex. (Backstory- volatile on/off sexual relationship for 5 years.)

 

My doc assured me it was h, but I chose to wait until the cultures came back to speak with "him". In the meantime I cried every moment I was alone. I have no one to talk to/confide in. The pain was immeasurable and thoughts of just wanting to die ran rampant in my mind. They still do...

 

In my life (I'm over 40), I've played it safe. I have had less than 2 hands worth of sexual partners. I don't sleep around, and especially not with just anyone... (I've had just ONE sexual partner in over 2 years. Him.)

 

Which is why he and I kept getting together. I thought he was safe. (Even though we have a toxic relationship.) The devil you know...

 

So the last thing I EVER expected was to get an STD. How naive is that at my age?

 

When I found out, I wanted to do things that would require bail money...

 

I knew telling him would be a debacle. I was ready for screaming and yelling and accusations on both our parts.

 

While it was a calm convo, it was in no way a positive ending. He was cold and unfeeling, denying it was him. I told him there was no else in over 2 years and he didn't believe me. He swears he has never gotten it, never had an outbreak, no symptoms... I said that all that could be true, but he could still be a carrier, but he wasn't having it.

 

My doc said I just got it, and had one of the worst onset breakouts she had ever seen, and it was very unlikely I was a carrier and coincidentally broke out after one night of sex with him and bet it all that it came from him...(he and I had not been together for 8 months to this) i was not seeing anyone. He was. He is quite the ladies man.

 

I asked him if he'd been with anyone that had signs/symptoms, coldstores, anything and he said no.

 

Filler bits of convo ensued, with him being cold and distant the entire time. I asked him to get tested ASAP, gave him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know, even though he's lied about so many things in the past. But most of the time I struggled for words, desperate for even a bit of comfort. He wanted to know what I wanted from him. I wanted... him to care. To say he believed me that there was no one else. We haven't had a relationship in years, we got together out of his boredom and for great sex. (I'm not good enough for him to have a relationship... too old. Too fat... But we used each other for sex.)

 

When he was done talking, he walked out of the room and left me there alone to leave. Without another word.

 

I feel like I have nothing.

At my age, and not being a size 2, dating was hard enough. Now this. I work so hard at being healthy, getting in shape, being proud of myself for being a good person... yes, I am wallowing in the pity party. It's not F'ing fair. (Yes, I know, no one said life is fair. Will you please let me wallow and get it out of my system?)

 

I haven't heard a word from him.

 

And I keep thinking what if it wasn't him. What if it IS MY FAULT?

 

But it IS my fault. I let him stay in my life even after all the times he's hurt and disappointed me...

 

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@dreamer

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Ok - you need a little Herpes Education 101 (the education that your Dr should have given you....) It frustrates the crap out of me that Dr's don't educate people so that you don't accuse people of things without understanding the full facts...not to say you didn't get it from the BF - but as you will see below, odds are VERY strong that he truly didn't know he could pass this to you.

 

1) HSV1 is the SAME strain as the COLD SORE. So odds are you got it from ORAL sex....

 

2) 80% of people with HSV1 (oral or genital) have NO IDEA that they have it

 

3) Even those who have it orally and know it often don't know they can pass it to the genitals. Many had outbreaks (OB's) as a kid but hardly any as an adult and don't think about it any more.

 

4) Herpes (oral or genital) can pass asymptomatically... so that 80% who have no idea are basically ticking time bombs in a way. This also means that you could have got it from 8 of the 10 guys on those 2 hands that you were with.

 

5) When you ask for a "FULL STD Panel" - odds are Herpes wasn't included unless you *specifically* ask for it. Yup. Thank the CDC for that idiocy. They recommend we are not tested unless we have symptoms. But no one bothers to tell you that you are not being tested. They feel that the stress of being diagnosed as positive for those without symptoms is worse than not knowing. While we would beg to differ with them (and hope to eventually get that changed) it is what it is right now.

 

6) I'm going to guess that your Dr is a GP and not an OBGYN... If I am right, PLEASE get to either an OB or Planned Parenthood for future advice on ANYTHING to do with your lady bits. A GP is a GENERAL practitioner. Which means they know a *little* bit about everything.... but they are often not up-to-date on the latest info.

 

7) You need to get blood tested if you want to know if you just got it or not. If your test comes back positive then odds are you had this *at least* 4 months... and while you may have still got it from him, you just plain wouldn't be able to point the finger at any one person. If it comes back positive then you could educate him that odds are he has HSV1 ORALLY and needs to be aware that if he has anything going on there he needs to avoid oral sex, and he also needs to just be cautious about oral sex in the future as he's shown that he IS shedding in that area at least part of the time.

 

😎 You say "In my life (I'm over 40), I've played it safe. I have had less than 2 hands worth of sexual partners. I don't sleep around, and especially not with just anyone... (I've had just ONE sexual partner in over 2 years. Him.)

 

So the last thing I EVER expected was to get an STD. How naive is that at my age?

 

Hate to say this but this is pretty typical because sadly sex education not only sucks for our young people, it sucks for the older generations too.

 

😎 Fact of the matter ...Latest info says:

 

Something like 50% of all women who are not in monogamous relationships will have Genital herpes (one or other type) by 50 yrs old.

 

AND

 

ANYONE who is sexually active will get *at least* one type of HPV (the other "common" STD) in their lifetime

 

Point of all this being:

 

If you are sexually active, even with condoms, there's a pretty good chance you will get HSV or HPV or both. It's just a fact of life. The medical community "accepts" that but because (for most of the population) neither causes a huge issue (cervical cancer *would* be knocked out if all women got regular pap smears) they just kinda ignore it. If they EDUCATED us better, then the shock and stigma wouldn't be 1/10th what it is. AND perhaps people would at least be a *little* more careful about using condoms. Sure, they don't keep you 100% safe, but it's better than nothing 🙂

 

Now, as for dating.

 

I'm 55. I've had HSV2 genitally since I was 17 (FIRST sexual experience....go ME!). I've been married, got diagnosed after I gave it to my ex (because my "rash" was misdiagnosed many times). Still stayed married over 20 yrs and parted amicably for other reasons. Had 2 beautiful daughters. Post divorce had two 3 yr relationships who knew I had H. Have had many "near misses" in dating (ie, got close, started having sex with disclosure, but things didn't develop for other reasons). I even put my status on all my dating profiles for awhile and had many men contact me and THANK me for my transparency and most wanted to get to know me better. Oh - and I'm - er - CURVY.

 

So all your worries about your age/body image/etc are unfounded. I can strike every insecurity off because I've been there and done it ALL in the last 35 yrs. 🙂

 

Finally - I say that Herpes is a great Wingman. By which I mean it shows you (or makes you admit to yourself) the truth about other people. If they love you unconditionally or (in the case of newer relationships) if they are open minded to becoming educated, they won't be put off by you having H. A *few* will turn you down because they are afraid of getting it but the reality is that in our dating age group at least half the women will already have it and that number of course keeps going up as we get older.

 

These links will hopefully help you to get a good reality check on your situation. Beyond that, it's just going to take time for you to adjust to your "new reality". But I promise, this is NOT the end of the world and you WILL get through it 🙂

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

Herpes facts video

 

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I had a full panel of everything under the sun last April due to a cancer concern. My doc (ob/gyn) and I discussed everything that would be tested, as well as having a biopsy. I was having so many issues, we checked everything under the sun. (The result was a decision for meds for brutal periods and pain and eventually hystetectomy. ) This is why we believe it was him and not the 6 other men I've had in my life. Full panel never came up positive for h of either type. My doc is very thorough. This is why it was very unlikely it came from me.But i never accused him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, asked him to get tested ASAP and tried to convey that I wasnt angry, just scared and hurting when I spoke to him.

 

As for being educated, I'm working on it. Alone. ie: not with him.

He won't speak to me. He blames me.

 

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@dreamer - As @WCSDancer2010 stated, most adults have HSV1 orally and many have no idea because they don't associate cold sores with herpes or because they are asymptomatic and do not get cold sores. Even though herpes is exponentially more contagious during outbreaks, the sheer number of HSV+ people and the nature of asymptomatic shedding results in most transmissions occurring when no symptoms are present. Having said all that, I think it's normal for you to feel angry right now. It's a necessary part of grieving and adjusting to this news. Hopefully your anger will dissipate in time as you move through this process.

 

@WCSDancer2010 - It's my understanding that at least 50% of unpartnered women have HSV2 by age 50. I believe those who have genital herpes as a result of HSV1 would be on top of the 50% (or more) with HSV2.

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