Long Distance, The Talk, New Relationship

[ele3]

Haven't been on here in awhile! I'm finding myself in a situation that is new and uncharted for me.. About 2-3 months ago a guy I knew through a mutual friend and I struck up communications again. He lives out west, I live on the east coast. Progressively we started chatting on the phone and texting, etc. He came to visit me last week, we had a blast, connected in an awesome way.. slept in the same bed, snuggled etc. No sex, no pressure. I really like him, I know he feels the same. He has been an open book with me, no games, very up-front and respectful.

 

The next time I see him will be in a month, just for a night at a family party, and I had originally planned on disclosing to him then. Partially because I trust him, partially because I want to have sex with him and be intimate with him. However, I just got off the phone with my mom who STRONGLY swayed me in the opposite direction, telling me I should hold out and not "ruin the day" by telling him. She also said it might discourage him from wanting to be with me, particularly with the long distance factor. She thinks I should wait to disclose/have sex until/if things get serious and we decide to move to the same place and be close to one another. I totally see what shes saying, but it greatly upset me and sort of shifted me into the mindset that yes, he probably will reject me. Guess I'm half venting and half asking for advice from anyone who's dealt with a similar situation?

[optimist]

@ele3 I have no idea how to advise you because I'm new at this, but I can share my own experience and an opinion.

 

So far, my most successful disclosures have had the following elements: set a tone that is thoughtful but not dramatic, allowed time for the person to process the information in whatever way works for them. But there's also an element that just can't be predicted, and that's about how that other person assesses risk.

 

I've reached a point now where it's my expectation that most people will be okay with it but some people will not, and I've given up trying to predict the outcome in advance because so far it has been entirely unpredictable. I've had someone tell me they were never happier than when they were with me but they just can't get over the risk thing. I've had someone respond in the most accepting way possible during a text exchange before we ever even met in person and in regard to the prospect of a very casual NSA fling. And I've had someone go silent, only to come around later.

 

I kind of get what your mom is saying about potentially making that night heavy when you only have that one night. Personally, I would tell him in advance of that visit, rather than waiting until you two get emotionally closer, and I definitely wouldn't wait until you two start making major life decisions like moving because it *is* a dealbreaker for some people, regardless of how emotionally attached they've become. Just my two cents.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ ele3

 

First - there is no "right" time to disclose.... so you need to just figure out when it's right for YOU.....your mother, myself, @optimist ... none of us can tell you the perfect time.... every single relationship/situation is different even within the same person.

 

So ... this is my opinion :)

 

I agree with your Mom that the day of the party isn't the best time. You want to enjoy it and not put that stamp on the occasion.

 

Now, whether you tell him before the party, or wait to see how things develop is up to you. Don't let your mother's advice make you think he will reject you. That wasn't what she was saying at all. YOU made that up in your head. That is your fears running the game. You need to tell them to go play somewhere else....because you can face this and deal with it whatever happens.

 

As I just posted in the Inspirational Quotes discussion: Worry is just misuse of the imagination. .... you are getting into your head about what *might* happen. So how's about letting go of that, and just being with this guy, and trusting that YOU WILL KNOW with the time is right. It may be tonight when you are talking on the phone, or next week, or after the party when you have seen each other again and it's obvious that sex is on the table.

 

The one thing I personally feel is that it should be done as close to "in person" as possible... so if you do it from a distance (before he comes over this time or after the party) I would *suggest* that you do Skype or whatever so you can see his face and he can see yours. That makes things a whole lot more personal and intimate and a lot less will be lost in translation.

 

Have you disclosed before or is this your first time? Sorry if you have posted about disclosure before but I can't keep track of everyone :)

 

 

[Bambina3]

I also agree with mom, day of party is not the best time to disclose....I personally wouldn't even consider it unless the emotional bond was there and I saw the relationship moving forward.

I confided in my ex about my hpv diagnosis at the time, he was loving and caring...when we got divorced, he went around telling everyone I had an std.

That experience has greatly influenced my decisions lately.

 

You'll make the right choice for YOU

Good luck !!