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Posted

Hi, Im 23 and when I found out I had herpes I was definitely concerned about having to disclose. I ran through in my head what I would say literally all day every day without even having anyone in mind to tell. Having herpes did make me think differently about relationships. I never really wanted a boyfriend, I had one once for 3 years that i was crazy about but before that and after being single is what im truly best at because I like my time alone and I always seem to get more than enough attention to make me happy. I did like skipping from one guy to the next, and I had been saying I wanted a boyfriend for a while now even before my diagnosis but my actions never really equaled to it. So, my best friend has been really supportive and gave me very good, true advice and that is that the truth is that I shouldn't sleep with anyone im not willing to date. And I shouldn't date anyone I'm not willing to tell. I had been seeing one guy since February and it was clear he was into me. It never worked out that we slept together, we only kissed and I think that did make the idea of a real relationship more alluring for both of us. I got herpes in April and going on dates was so strange knowing just having sex is out of the question. He never pressured me to have sex even when he would sleep over and I liked that. Hes older than me, he is lowkey germaphobic (that really did worry me), he is popular, attractive, and his family is really wealthy so I thought his expectations of me would be really high but to my surprise, they really arent. I finally told him after steady hanging out for like 3 weeks. I just said it and I said that I take antivirals and I said we should wear a condom if he does want to and I told him the statistics. He said he didnt want to get it but that I was worth the risk and he wanted to have sex without a condom and I really did try to convince him otherwise and we have always worn a condom since just not the first time. But now im stressed because I think what If i gave him the virus already?! I feel so lucky that he likes me and he did ask to be my boyfriend and I said yes and that makes me really happy :) I am worried that i gave him the virus. What if I did have an outbreak.. Will you for sure transmit the virus if you have sex without a condom if you have an outbreak? I would love to be reassured that he is fine, however I really do want to know the honest facts about it. I kind of feel like i ruin everything.

Posted

Ok. Lets go through this. You disclosed and you gave him some facts. At that point in time the decisions/responsibility becomes a shared thing. It's not all on you.

 

You might have missed the condom the first round but you've been using them every since. And you were on antivirals. Did you feel as if you were having an outbreak? If not, I would not worry about this. You did everything right in my opinion. Condoms are an iffy thing. They might help prevent it, they might not. I think the antivirals are more important but that's just my opinion. Condoms are an add on, a hopeful barrier. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, if you want concrete assurance you can always have him get tested, but I think that might start freaking him out. If you are obsessing over it that badly, then he might start to also. (And if he wasn't tested prior to the relationship, what if he already has a strain? There would be no way to know, and you might be taking on unnecessary guilt). If he has been tested and he's negative, then that's an option if you really want to go there.

 

Look. We should be able to enjoy sex as much as any other person. We have a responsibility to disclose and once we do then I honestly think it becomes a shared responsibility. Grown adults decide what risks they want to take. If something were to happen and they blame it solely on you, well, that doesn't speak highly of their character.

 

You're happy, having fun, starting a new relationship. Enjoy it. Don't be burdened with "What ifs".

 

 

Posted

@MMissouri Thank you. This is a success story after all. I AM happy the very first person i disclosed to was so open and understanding. Disclosing or ever having a relationship again was a big concern of mine and now I know that it really isn't as big of a deal as I had thought.

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