Successful online dating herpes disclosures, female to male

[optimist]

@LoveTheMountains It's interesting looking over this post almost two years later. I actually still see Guy #1 and he'll always have a special place in my heart because he was so cool in response to my disclosure and didn't treat me any differently and that helped relieve my fears and give me momentum, even though our thing was super casual and still is. I saw Guy #3 off and on for a year and half and we became good friends in addition to on/off casual...uh...lovers? Playmates? Whatever. I met both of them on Tinder. I decided not to proceed with the other two guys I mentioned (Guy #2 and Guy #4).

[PresentMoment]

Awesome!! I am looking forward to the dating process, Nervous about disclosure but only go to pursue men that could be long term relationships.

[KindCaring]

Thank you for this post. I just disclosed to somebody and he said that he would like to be friends. I find that hard because he rejected me. This is only the second time that I disclosed this to a guy. I can't imagine going thru this again.

[optimist]

@freya This has not been my experience. I've experienced both outcomes with people who were very emotionally invested, and I've experienced both outcomes with people who were extremely active participants in hookup culture. That is not to say that there aren't some cases where people who hookup more randomly factor that into their decision making and people who are more relationship oriented do the same, but just to say that risk assessment is a very complex thing. I encountered a guy with a history of 100 partners who had extreme anxiety when I disclosed. It's a complex situation due to the stigma.

[PresentMoment]

So I consider myself an episodical promiscuous person, and to be quite honest prior to my diagnosis, I would have probably turned someone away that told me they had H. Unless I felt like they were promising as a long term relationship.

I have not made disclosure yet, as I am in my first three months of diagnosis. I am abstaining from sex.

When I get to the point of disclosure- I am going to try to remind myself of how I would feel on the other side. It is going to be hard to not have hurt feelings. But seriously, in my past life, pre-H, I would have declined many times.

When you talk about a man that has had over 100 sexual experiences, you need to consider that he has had 200 he turned down. I don't want to ever think of my sex life in numbers - I didn't count, but I am sure my number is over 100. So numbers mean nothing- someday, I will find my forever guy!! Don't rate someone on there numbers- eventually we all find our place!

L

[optimist]

@PresentMoment I hope I didn't come across as judging someone with a history of 100 partners. I was trying to illustrate that even someone who is comfortable unknowingly taking that risk, assuming at least 25 of his past partners had HSV2 based on statistics, may still have anxiety about one partner with known risk. He had never been disclosed to before and reacted with anxiety to the known risk. I was addressing @freya's speculation that people who are already taking this risk with random sex partners of unknown status might be more open to having sex with someone who knows they are HSV2+. It's my opinion that risk assessment is often more complex than that.

[PresentMoment]

Optimist - No worries, I am not offended in any way!!!

We need to think in the mindset of how we would have felt, prior to diagnosis, to understand how potential partners respond to disclosure. We are a bunch of fucking hypocrites!!

Prior to my diagnosis, someone mentioned an eligible single physician to fix me up with. I said "No way, he has Herpes!!" Looking back now that I know so much more, I don't think it was about his diagnosis, but his ethics. Years ago, He slept with two Friends of mine, never disclosed. They found out from rumors, his ex- wife had told others he gave her herpes. Even now having been diagnosed,I would never be with him!! It is about personal integrity. I know over the years I have slept with men with no integrity, but they are my past!

Yes - it hurts when someone pulls away after disclosure, but that doesn't make them a bad person. You can throw out all kinds of ratios and percentages of why they should still fuck you!

It is not their fault, It's their CHOICE , stop making them out to be the bad guy. Seriously, they should have a choice in their future health. I would have loved to have a choice - because I wouldn't have fucked this guy a second time!!

Let's just all think back to our attitude prior to our H diagnosis- give the people in our life time to process. Love who you are and they will love you!!

[optimist]

@PresentMoment That was not my experience when someone disclosed to me when I was young. I chose to continue dating them and we broke up for others reasons later. It has also been my experience that most people I've disclosed to have been fine moving forward. Not all but most.

 

I also don't feel I've made anyone out to be a "bad guy" but instead have pointed out that different people assess risk differently, whether they have very few partners or many partners or all kinds of other factors. That was the only point I was trying to make to @freya who speculated that those having more casual sex might be more likely to take the risk in stride.

[PresentMoment]

Oops - Sorry Ladies!! I was flipping back and forth on other discussions and posted negatively to the wrong discussion!! This discussion has been very positive.

Freya- I would definitely have sex with someone with herpes. I did not have it when approached about the fix up with the Dr. At this point I still would not go out with him because I wouldn't be able to trust that he would disclose other possible STDs.

[LoveTheMountains]

Just wanted to comment on Freyas comment about acceptance only when a guy is looking for hookups.Like Optimist said, I've experienced it both ways. Pretty random, no real pattern. One guy no longer saw me as relationship material but wanted sex. Another wanted to move forward only if he could practically have a guarantee that I would be with him forever, and most of the others turned into actual relationships.

 

@KindCaring

I'm sorry you experienced rejection and totally understand how you feel like you can not go through that again. There is such a large amount of building inner strength I think that those of us with this have to build up. The best advice I can offer for self protection is to enjoy the first few dates, have fund, and let the guy see how awesome you are (and you get to see if you even like him) and then disclose before you get emotionally invested. This also kinda makes me think of a similar but different situation in dating. I'm 40 and it looks like I will not be having biological children; just didn't work out timing/finding the one- (yes i know its still physically possible but personally not wanting to at this point due to age; and thankfully I'm totally okay with this)...but I am in an age range where a lot of women (and lately men too!) that I know are dating in their late 30's/early 40's and wanting children and feel they don't have lots of time to waste on people who may not want the same thing. Because of this I know people who have to approach dating similarly as far as figuring out if the person they are newly dating is remotely on the same page about having children. I've been asked on first dates y men if I want children! Anyway, my point is there are a variety of things that are big deal breakers and its important for all involved not to get too emotionally involved before you figure out if they/you meet some of the those big deal breakers. Too painful to let things go on too long only to find out there is no chance.

 

[LoveTheMountains]

Oh, and I will add this, there is one pattern I feel emerging in disclosure/acceptance situations. I do feel on some level that acceptance by men (in my experience) does improve with age. But I think this is across the board on accepting lots of things in life that comes with age. Time and life experience seems to bring with it a reckoning and reevaluating about "ideals" and perfection and what's really important. Not saying that some people won't still decide the risk is not for them. I've just found the caliber and ease of conversation with men about this over the years has gotten better and better. I've noticed a more common reaction from men that can be paraphrased as "well in the big picture of things, that really isn't that big of a deal" type attitude. And at 40 I totally get what they are saying. The things that seemed important to me and my girlfriends when it came to men back when I was in my 20's and even 30's have definitely evolved.

 

Also I don't hold it against a guy if he was to reject me. However, it does speak to his character if he was to be jerk about it. I mentioned this in another thread, I don't really agree with the concept of using stats to try to convince someone they should take the risk on me ( the fact that people use stats in the same conversation to basically say tons of people have this AND its really hard to get herpes is contradictory). Plus I don't WANT to convince someone to be with me. I do share the stats on how common it is just because I want them to be aware this is out there and I'm not some unique case they've stumbled on. But when it comes to discussing the risk I tell them straight out, "if we go forward, you need to realize there is a risk you can get this". I don't sugar coat it. I don't discuss the stats on transmission at all. You can get it period. Condom, antivirals, you can get it. But I find that men REALLY appreciate my honesty about this. Interestingly I've started to suspect my approach of NOT trying to sell myself might even have something to do with it. Maybe there's some reverse psychology at work which is not my intention! If I felt I had to convince someone I know it would poke holes in my self worth down the road.

 

[optimist]

@LoveTheMountains I agree with you on not "selling" prospective partners, though I do find stats helpful for a couple reasons. First, it helps me put my own infection into context. Also, when I disclose, I always offer to answer questions and transmission risk is a common question I've been asked in response. I like to be prepared to answer that question when asked.

 

I don't find it contradictory that HSV is very common yet transmission risk under certain circumstances is low. Many factors go into these seemingly conflicting statements. Though I do emphasize to prospective partners that risk exists, even when condoms are used. I've also opted out in cases where I felt the person had not had enough time to process the information, as well as a case where someone came back around after educating themselves but still had a lot of anxiety. I'm always aware in such cases that risk DOES exist, even if the risk is small, so I consider whether or not *I* am willing to take that risk with that particular person. Sometimes the answer is no.

 

[FreeSpiriting]

This is helping me so much reading this right now. I have just re-entered the world of online dating (basically tinder) and I'm not interested in anything serious but it is the first time I'm having to think about disclosing! (I got genital hsv1 from my ex of 3 and a bit years and he gave it to me within the first few weeks of sleeping together as he was clueless about oral hsv1) So to read so many positive outcomes is really reassuring. I'm still working on a good 'disclosure text' with a mix of facts etc but I'm hoping I'll get the confidence soon...

[JDH]

#optimist, just wondering if you have or know which study shows that 50% of divorced women 40-49 have HSV2? I'd love to have a copy of that one! Thank you!!

 

[zonagirl100]

I agree with you about how I would have reacted pre-diagnosis, I remember I was on a dating site, a guy did disclose in his profile, I didn't know what HSV2 was, I googled it, and I remember saying to myself "yuck no way", now I feel like an asshole, lol. So, yes, if someone rejects you, it's there prerogative and I can't be upset with it. And I have much respect for that man who was honest in his profile.

[mbx2017]

Thank you all for sharing these experiences. I am a 64 year old female, divorced and single for the first time in years and now dating online. I have had herpes for 35 years. I was married for 30 years to a man who I disclosed that had herpes to before we had sex and he was fine with it. We stopped having sex in the last few years and I never cheated. So, I did not have sex. We just ended the marriage last fall. So wow, a whole new world and of course I have to deal with disclosure.

 

 

[Next step]

It seems in the US the conversations are going better .... any experiences from other countries? I'm in Canada 

[LoveTheMountains]

@FreeSpiriting @mbx2017

Welcome back to the wonderful world of dating ; ) . While there's lots of ups and downs in the dating I hope you will both get to a place where having H is the least of the issues that you feel you are dealing with! It usually is a bigger deal to us, causing much anxiety and stress to us all while they are thinking about what a great time they are having while were out on a date : )  I still get nervous before a disclosure but its so brief and bothers me very little these days.  Just disclosed to a guy I'm working with a few weeks ago because things were leading toward getting intimate (I wrote about it in another post about dating over 40).  He totally accepted me and we did end up having sex. Last week I decided I really didn't want to continue having a physical relationship with him (and was under the impression that was primarily what he wanted) because I am planning on moving and I just don't feel like risking transmitting it to him for what is definitely not going to be a long-term relationship. My somewhat cynical self talk was that he'd probably jump at an easy way out lol afterall I have herpes!!!  Anyway, much to my surprise was super bummed about my decision and even more bummed that I'm moving. And when I told him no more sex he's now trying to convince me to at least spend time with him platonically because he has grown to really enjoy being with me. Its really sweet and I'll be honest even after all these years (20+) with H it feels wonderful to be reminded that I person can really like me for me.  Anyway, point is please don't define yourself by your H status or let it hold you back from having a happy active love life!

[MarieH]

this was helpful to read. i just got DX'ed 4 days ago. I'm an absolute wreak. I'm single and 31, and have harpies. so maybe......someone will understand.  Perhaps the world won't be as terrible to me as I anticipate