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Handling the Rejection

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Hi Community,


I’ve read a few discussions here and feel like I need to talk to a community of people who understands what I’m going through. My friends are great listeners, but they don’t have herpes, so it can be tough for them to relate. I consider myself to be a strong, beautiful, highly intelligent, talented and successful woman so I’m having trouble handling rejection over something I can’t help.


About a month ago, I decided to take a chance and date a co-worker. He wasn’t really my type, but he made me laugh hysterically and had a great personality so I agreed to go out with him. I knew he’d been attracted to me for a while, and my professional career is really important to me so I was a bit reluctant to start something, but I decided to just go for it.


Things started off great- we had amazing chemistry, he complimented me all of the time, and asked me out consistently. I was in the very early stages of an interview process for a role that would move me across the country. The minute that the interview process progressed to the point where a move was a serious possibility, I told him about it because I believe in being upfront and honest and I thought it would be wrong to suddenly spring that on someone.


He handled that well- until I got the job offer and then I felt a little bit of distance from him. He asked me out on a date at the end of the week, but when I asked if he wanted to do something before then, he readily accepted and planned 2 other dates.


In the 3 weeks, we’d be dating, we had some hot and heavy make out sessions- we had amazing sexual chemistry, so I knew we were at a point where I needed to have a conversation with him. One night he invited me over and made me dinner. We started watching a TV show and kissing a little bit (nothing steamy that would lead to sex), and I told him that about 2 years ago I found out at a doctor’s visit that I carried the herpes virus. His immediate reaction was “It’s okay. I could happen to anyone. Thank you for telling me- I know this must not be an easy conversation to have."


I explained how minor of a situation it was for me and how little impact it had on my life. I also asked him if he had any questions. He said he didn’t have any at the moment but that he’d ask me if he did. I slept over- we didn’t have sex. I could kind of feel that he was a little less affectionate.


The next day, I emailed him some articles I thought he should read. He kissed me goodbye and acted normal. We had a date planned for the next day. He was still really attentive. We went on the date and I could feel that he was treating me differently- very little affection. I felt like his friend, not a romantic interest.


After that day, with the exception of small talk, he barely said a word to me both inside and outside of work. Suddenly he had plans everyday after work. When I tried to speak with him over lunch I asked him what was going on. He immediately blurted out “Vanessa, you’re moving,” then asked me if we could talk about it later. We never talked.


The next day, he pretty much admitted to me that he was avoiding continuing our conversation, so I know that will never happen. He hasn’t reached out since.


This is the first time I’ve had to disclose this to anyone. I also realize that I dropped 2 heavy situations in his lap in a matter of 1 month- not the best timing, but I felt like I should be honest. I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but I’d prefer to just hear something back. Like, "Hey, I really like you, but this is a deal-breaker for me. I’m sorry.” But just being completely left hanging and being treated like I was dirty and diseased- that’s the worst. I was really vulnerable and it feels like someone took my honesty and vulnerability, stomped all over it and threw it out.


Does anyone have advice or success stories that they can share?

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Yeah, I started an entire thread about disclosure success.


My advice is that you might want to be talking to more than one person at a time. That way, if you get rejected, you won't have had all your beans invested in one basket.


Also, make it really easy for him to have sex with you. That worked on me before I got herpes.

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Once you move and settle into a new life, you can sort of start over with everything. You did nothing wrong here. He is just a guy who wasn't that into you enough to accept H or just knows you are moving and didn't want to invest In a long distance relationship. Possibly, if you had stayed around....he may have come around. Many doors are opening for you and one will open with the "right" guy as well. There are plenty of men out there who know H is no big deal. I've only disclosed twice....both accepted and I'm married to one of them.

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Thank you! Everyday is getting a little easier. It helps to be reminded that not everyone will react that way and that there are other circumstances that there are so many good new things on the horizon for me. Puts things in perspective!

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