Having a down day...

[Sassy2543]

I am usually upbeat and positive about herpes because I know how much of a non-issue it really is for most people. I am daily suppressive meds because I tend to get a lot of irritation when I'm not on them. I haven't had any actual sores since the first outbreak other than occasional red bumps in the crease between my thigh and groin and on my butt cheeks.... And yet I'm not 100% sure these bumps are herpes related or not. However, lately I have been experiencing the leg pain off and on in my left leg offset behind my thigh right above my knee cap. I have posted about this before just for the simple fact that others seem to suffer from the leg pain. Although I don't feel my leg pain is associated with prodromes, today I am feeling so unbelievably down about it. The pain is a constant reminder that I have herpes. I can't even focus on my job today because it's consuming my mind. I haven't felt like this since my primary 2 years ago. I feel like I'm shedding every second of the day even though I know that can't be the case. *sigh*. I hate this feeling right now. Iknkw the transmission rate from female to male is low but I hate not being able to tell my partner that I can 100% protect him even though he loves me enough to take the risk. I'm just mentally and emotionally drained today.....

[ALittleMad]

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I hope today you are feeling better!

I am with you on not being able to tell what is herpes and what is not. I have never had typical symptoms of HSV, but I have had a chronic itch and red spots occasionally. I can't help but feel like I have always been infectious.

I think the worst thing to do is stay in a negative mood. I also have a partner who is H- that I worry about, but I think if I were to show my anxieties and fears with him constantly he would eventually become afraid and walk away. Because we know we are H+ we know what steps we can take to prevent the spread. Our partners are safer with us. I think I would feel worse if my partner left me because I pushed him away and got it somewhere else.

[Sassy2543]

@ALittleMad. You stated that so perfectly! I am feeling a little better today. I think that feeling the leg pain just reminds me that I have herpes. No symptoms means it's out of sight, out of mind. I have had lots of unprotected sex since being diagnosed and no one has caught it so that's very uplifting. I had just met my ex when I had my primary. I broke down to him. That disclosure was so hard! He was so accepting of it. We never used a condom and he never got it from me.....and that was during my first 6 months of having it! That is such a positive thought for me. We didn't work out and broke up for other reasons but he is like a brother to me now (weird, I know lol). Thank you so much for responding. To be reminded that I am not alone helps so much!

Oh, and I totally agree that our partners are safest with us because we know that we have herpes so we can protect them better.

[ALittleMad]

That is great that you guys could remain supportive of one another! Focusing on positives definitely helps. There also seem to be a lot of great people available on this forum.

[Sassy2543]

Absolutely! This forum has been nothing but a blessing for me.

[ALittleMad]

Agreed. I was afraid to join but I think the outlet is good for the soul. Especially since discussing the issue in person is still unpleasant.

[Katidid]

You can also have H unrelated nerve issues.....I think I'm dealing with that now. I've had tingling in both legs and glutes ever since going on hormone replacement therepy (went off it after 5 wks) and have not been the same since. I've had H for over 30 yrs and nothing like this so I'm confident it's not H related. Having a piriformis muscle injection today as this could be the culprit as I weight train heavy 6 days per week. Stay positive girls......you are both doing a great job!!!

[Sassy2543]

@Katidid That makes sense because what really confused me was how I had leg pain during my primary then haven't had any issue for a year and then all of a sudden it started. I am a manager in retail so I'm constantly walking on a hard surface.

[Katidid]

I'm on feet all day as well. Any number of hormonal issues and or nerve compression issues can mimic H. Vulvodynia, prudendal and piriformis issues, etc. I've never had any thing quite like this before.....hoping it leaves me quick. It causes tingling downdown the back of my leg and glutes along with vulva pain, glute and back pain. Cray!!!

[Damnhim]

Uterine Fibroid tumors can wrap around spinal nerves and cause leg pain.

[Leep]

I'm having an extremely down day today. Been involved with a great guy at work. Chemistry is awesome. Well this weekend things went further than I had planned before I could tell him about the big H. No sex but close. The next day I had the discussion with him. He told me he needed time to think about it. I had a completely melt down today. Then he just told me abstinence is the best thing. Tears me up. All because my ex husband wasn't truthful with me. We could've taken precautions to protect me. I hate the rejection, never gets easier.

[Sassy2543]

@Leep I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that, but give him some time. I had a guy find out about H on our first date because he saw the medicine in my purse. I had every intention of telling him but I wanted to wait until the second or third date. He flipped out on me and called me deceitful and stated that I better not have put him at risk. Mind you we only kissed... That was it. I stayed calm and as he text me, his temper diffused and after a few weeks, he became inquisitive. Especially since he went on a date with a girl after ours and guess what....she told him she had herpes! We haven't seen each other since that first date, but he still checks on me and hints to hanging out again and possibly moving further along. We both agree that our first date was the best night of our lives and that we have not met anyone that compares to each other. It has been since December since we hung out so even if he decided to have a relationship with me, I wouldn't do it. I feel that he took too long so I worry that he will never be completely comfortable with it even if he thinks he is. It hurts and it's a small reason why I'm moving across the country. To be far away from him so that I can break the emotions.

I tell you this story because I want you to know that no matter how much the stigma has a hold of someone, if they truly care about you then they will see passed it....even if it takes a little time. My guy sees how special I am and I believe he can't cut me loose just because of H but since he is staying on the fence, I'm gonna cut myself loose for him.

Just give him some time and see if he comes around. It's ok to have a down day. I clearly had one the other day, but today I'm ok. Just think of H as your wingman. It will help you weed out who is worth your time and who's not. The rejection definitely sucks, but you know what, I can get rejected because someone doesn't like my nose, my weight, or my hair color. Why is getting rejected for those things any different than being rejected for H? Think about it.

[Leep]

Sassy thank you for telling me your story, I appreciate it. It never gets easier. He told me if anything he respects me more but we need to just be friends. Never thought of H as a wingman to weed out who's worth it or not, definitely a different perspective. One guy called me evil, a whore, etc. mind you I was a virgin when I got married, so the first time having sex I got it. Wish they would find a cure. I want to know what it's like to not have to tell partners what I have. Never got to the chance to not have to tell anyone. Esteem definitely takes a huge hit.

[Sassy2543]

I can't believe someone would call you names like that! That is horrible! Just know that you are nothing that he has called you. You are worth it! Keep your head up and someone who actually deserves you will come along. You also have us here if you need to talk! :)

[Leep]

Thank you so much for that. Can't lie, been struggling for years with my own worth. I'm glad I found this site. Thank you again.

[Sassy2543]

You are so very welcome. I struggled with it too. My family disowned me over 11 years ago so I struggle with how worthy can I be of my own family doesn't want me... Then H came about and made me feel worse. I have really dug deep within myself and worked hard to realize that I am a great person and I am worth being respected and loved. Feel free to message me if you feel you need to talk and I'll be here for you.