Disclosure

[Bambina3]

Hey everyone!

I know this is a ongoing topic, but I have to admit I still greatly struggle with the disclosure issue....I feel like I'm living a daily lie, a secret...and I'm alone in my real world. It's been almost a year since I found out officially I have HSV2, months since I found out I have HSV1.

I don't disclose to my husband for several reasons...one of them is not being left alone, it's that "telegraph tell hubby"...in the past I have been betrayed...My ex affair, I struggle if I pass him, because of the guilt, the guilt of knowing he could be a carrier now.

 

Any suggestions, input, similar stories would be appreciated.

 

[MMissouri]

Although we don't seem to communicate well on posts, I'm going to take a shot at this. I don't know if you have a friend or anyone that knows, but I think I recall you saying you've told someone? If you have, and you discuss it, do you ever say "herpes". Or do you say "it", "H", and other things instead? I'm asking, because I realized I never actually verbally used the word. I would say, "I feel irritated".. or "I think somethings going on down there".. or "you know, that thing".

 

I think words are very powerful. It helps to say them out loud. It helps with acceptance and also helps us overcome the fear of saying them. Even if you just say them out loud to yourself, it may help with the feeling you have this secret or you are living this lie.

 

I'm confused on the husband part. I thought that your marriage was unhappy? If so, why do you care if he leaves? I don't think he will, but that's just my opinion.

 

Your situation is so different from the norm in that you didn't know all these years. I don't see how anyone can hold that against you. You are not a bad person, you didn't know. But now you do, and you need to decide what you are going to do with that information.

 

(I don't know how well this is all going over, but this is going to be a tough spot, bare with me).

 

I'm not in your shoes and I'm not judging you. BUT..

 

There are occasions that people mess up and don't disclose, and we tell them it's okay, move on and do better next time. But if you choose to continue relationships knowing that you are hiding something, then you can't play the "mistake" card, because it is no longer a "mistake", you are choosing to be dishonest. And if that is what you need to do.. then own it. Don't feel like you have to make excuses, or feel guilty of your choices.. own them.

 

It's kind of like a kid that steals for the first time, a person that experiments with drugs, or any other pivotal point in life- You can have a pass as a learning experience. But after you have continued the same behavior for months, it's no longer a pass. It's a reality. Those kids become thieves, those experiments become addicts.. Do you get what I'm trying to say?

 

 

[hippyherpy]

I would tell him because it sounds like you are feeling more and more alone in not sharing, which is the opposite of what you say you want.

 

[SunDevourer]

I don't know what those several reasons are... And I am not quite sure of your relationship, but how do you know he doesn't have it or was the giver?

And no judgement on my part, but if he's your husband , in any relationship, communication should be a key point. And talking about it is what defeats the stigma. Because people don't talk about it. If not with him someone close that you can see and touch. If your friends are weird about it. Get new friends. If any of them get uncomfortable and can't talk about it with you. Get new friends.

 

If you're in the relationship because you don't want to be alone. That's a good sign you shouldn't be in it if there's nothing else going for the relationship. You'll become stuck, stagnant, and miserable... Unless you already are feeling that way. Stop considering about others opinions. Don't let others opinions define you. Fuck that.

 

I've tried talking to myself in the mirror. Just saying it. But got tired of it because I would laugh and think it was rediculous. The thing is what was it I was really trying to tell myself?

In my opinion I don't see the need to disclose if you are having protected sex. Why? Because regardless of what that person says and they all say they are clean or don't have anything. That's a no. Because people are liars. We lie to others and we lie to ourselves.

Hope I'm making since and not off topic.

[Bambina3]

@MMissouri I have confided in 2 long term people in my life (20 plus years)...I use the term hsv...they were both accepting and non judgemental....but I knew they would be, they have never betrayed me, and we have stood beside eachother for years.

Marriage is not happy, another subject....my concern is not him leaving...its him spreading it all over town...he had repeated things I have told him in confidence before,....also my first ex told others something personal I shared during that divorce, thus creating real trust issues.

I do understand what you are saying, thanks!!

 

@SunDevourer

Our communication lacks, I have issues or I would never of had an affair....I'm sure I gsve it to him, I saw what I think was his initial ob over a year ago, the dr didn't test nor rule out hsv.

I do agree, we all are liars in one way or another...

 

 

[MMissouri]

This speed reading lately is not helping my posts. Sorry! I thought you said you didn't want to be alone.

 

I think I'd say that was your learning curve/mistakes and I'd just move on. What's done is done. The more I think about it, the more I think I'd just wipe the slate clean and start over.

 

I don't think it's the herpes giving you the feeling you are living a lie, I think it's the entire situation you are in.

 

 

[Bambina3]

Could be, the situation is not a good one....I've been advised thru the medical community to also let it go....but gosh some days I have difficulty dealing.

Not many people have been in my situation, I know, or if they have been,unfortunately it's been on the other side.

[hippyherpy]

I disclose by bringing it up, but I also think that disclosure should work like this-

 

The other person should have to be the one to bring it up, and if they do, then you tell them. If they don't bring it up, then it should be assumed that it's ok to move forward. Especially for casual sex. In this sense, you are still disclosing if they want want to know.

 

That's not how I do it, but it makes the most sense. If people are really concerned about STDs, then it should be up to them to talk about it or just assume the risk. Obviously, the carrier should do everything in their power to reduce the risk of transmission.

 

[Bambina3]

In my 2 affairs, I did point blank ask are you clean? Are you disease free? Even though I knew them, one for many years, one I though I knew pretty well (NOT)

I was unaware of my h status at that point

Now it's after the fact

I do agree both partners should be proactive on their health, and not all the burden should weigh so heavily on us.

Of course people lie too, another subject

[Bambina3]

I just wanted to come in and make a few comments and observations

 

I've been on YouTube, searching around, listening to videos at work rather than music, on hsv and stds....I want to give @Adrial a huge thank you for his dedication, it is clearly his passion to educate people. He does it without monetary value if you cannot afford it (this site) and everything else is minimal charge. I searched for Terri Warren and astonishly only found one video linked with her name. I know she has done a lot of research in this field, dedicated a good part of her life to hsv, but it seems money driven. You cannot even ask her a question without a charge. I commend her for all her research to our disease, just a vent that we need more people like Adrial who want to help us, even if you do not have the money, will answer questions, do videos etc. I am at a point in my life where I can afford a few dollars a month to our cause, but I remember a time, where I could not.

 

Of course I heard people with stigma related comments (a woman referred to a man that has hsv as having a dirty dick).....this lady has a YouTube following with her videos....imagine???

 

 

 

 

[MMissouri]

@Bambina, I completely agree.

[hippyherpy]

Ha yeah my big ole dirty herp dick

 

 

[Dave]

I wouldn't disclose. The reason is because HSV is not a big deal, it really isn't. The stigma (for HSV2), is bigger than the actual virus. An HSV2 has a greater stigma than HSV1, which I find odd since they are almost identical. If HSV was a big deal then it would be included in every STD test, but it's not. It's just a skin condition that is totally manageable in which most people have little or no symptoms. The Flu virus kills people every year, yet HSV has killed no one and everyone is afraid like it's the plague.