Recent experience with a love coach and herpes

[Misha77]

Hey everyone… so recently I had an experience with a love coach, and it left me more puzzled than with clarity. A girl friend of mine got me to join in on a free 14 day date with confidence challenge, and while chatting with the lady who runs this challenge (she’s a love coach) about a question I had asked her about attracting the right man and my herpes status, and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever gone on a dating site for people who have herpes. I answered yes, but that I’ve also been on match.com, because I didn’t want to feel like I’m limited to only dating someone who has herpes. She then goes on saying that ‘Ok. Well, the thing about herpes is that lots of people already have it and are spreading it without knowing it. For the men you will meet that don’t have it, about 90% are not going to want to date someone who has it. So you ARE limited if you want to date men who want to date someone who doesn’t have herpes. If you want to date men who don’t care- those are going to be the men that have herpes already’. She then goes on to say to go on a herpes dating site ‘So why not go where you have the greatest chances of meeting THAT guy and stop choosing to think of it as limiting? What is limiting is trying to find that needle in a haystack guy that isn’t scared off by the possibility of contracting herpes. That is limiting and heartbreaking…’I refuted back by saying that I educate myself on herpes and give the information to my potential partner and let them make that decision, that they make an educated one. I also told her that it is the connection that I'm seeking to build first, and I shouldn't be limited as to only meeting him in a herpes dating site. But I was so disappointed that she basically was saying that I can only date men who have herpes, and that I’m going to be rejected by 90 percent of the men who doesn’t have it because they are not going to want to date someone that has it. I don’t where she gets her information from, or is this from her practice, but I don’t believe this to be true. And also where she says I’m looking for a needle in a haystack guy that isn’t scared of the possibility of contracting herpes (if I’m looking to meet men outside of a herpes dating site). Isn’t this giving into the stigma of it and perpetuates the limiting beliefs that we can develop from having herpes? It was really disappointing and sad to hear her say this, and I can’t help to wonder if there’s any truth to that. I would love Adrial and anyone else here for your input and advice…

[optimist]

@Misha77 I have received this same advice (to only use herpes specific dating sites) from a well meaning friend who is not educated about herpes and assumes everyone feels the same way she does. Maybe it would help to read through the disclosure success stories on here.

 

If someone feels more comfortable using a herpes specific dating site, I think that's fine, but the idea that it is nearly impossible to find interested partners on other sites is just not true. Most people on all dating sites have one or more types of herpes. And among those who are HSV- or of unknown status, different people assess risk differently.

 

Perhaps one way to approach this, if you want to try her advice, is to mix it up and try both a herpes specific site and a general site and see where you feel more comfortable.

 

Personally, I've been using a general site, not a herpes specific site. I have not found it to be limiting at all and have had multiple successful disclosures. I even managed to find another person with HSV2 just by coincidence. I disclosed my status and he disclosed right back.

 

Also, I have two very close girlfriends with HSV who married HSV- partners. I know there are many, many examples of discordant love relationships on this site. It is not as unusual as your love coach suggests.

[Misha77]

It was disappointing to hear her advice, because I've known (either through mine and others' experiences) that simply isn't true, and that there are many successful discordant relationships where one is HSV+ and the other one is HSV-. I haven't really worked with her at all until this challenge, and while the tools that she gives are great, I'm not so sure about her advice, esp with this and that she seemed so adamant regarding this. I just didn't want what she says to undo all the years of work I've put into getting to this point of my journey.

[mr_hopp]

Everyone has the capacity to hold stigma. Yes, even coaches. ;)

 

(And by the way, my fiancee would have been very disappointed if I would have taken that advice ...)

 

It's up to you to take what jives with you and leave the rest. It sounds like that part doesn't jive with you so leave it in her lap. And if she's adamant about holding a perspective that you feel is limiting, you can find another coach who is more accepting and open-minded. It's less about what your coach believes and more about what you believe to be true for yourself.

 

When it comes to a new belief that we are growing in ourselves, it takes practice to make it stronger. When a belief is new, it's tender and fragile (like a newborn baby), so I love that you're coming here for support and protecting this important belief for you. Because someone who holds stigma can easily crush such a new belief that's being born. It sounds like yours is something like this? "I deserve ANY man who is right for me and herpes isn't a barrier to that." How would you word it?

 

And about the whole "dating outside of your status" thing, here's how I see the breakdown: If 10% of men have herpes and 80% of them don't know they have it, that leaves you with 2% of men who know they have herpes. Out of those 2%, how many of them join herpes-only dating sites? Out of those men, what % of them are good matches for you? Out of those men, who will treat you with honesty, decency, respect, integrity?

 

Now on the flip side, when you date not just the herpes-only dating pool (ahem, the general human population), you do have the potential of facing more rejection and ugliness. However, doing the self-work to see that the potential ugliness you'd get might just be more their ugliness (and projected societal stigma) and not your ugliness, then they are self-selecting out of your dating pool. And then still others will still be gracious and kind but still not want to take a risk of getting herpes. (And that's fine, too. Everyone's got their preferences.) Then you're left with the guys who don't see herpes as a barrier to getting to know you and don't judge you for having a skin condition that most of the world has. And I believe that number is going to be higher than 2%. What do you think? And the kind of guy who will be open-minded enough to see you more than he sees a stigmatized skin condition will tend to be the kind of guy you're ultimately looking for anyway. All you have to do is wade through some potential rejections. And herpes or not, we all have to go through rejections. It's part of being human.

 

So what kind of a guy are you looking for? What kinds of qualities do you want in this future man of yours?

[Katidid]

My husband of 20 yrs is still H - and he was so crazy about me that he didn't care what I had. Having said that, he does not want H, but knows it could happen and we take every precaution to keep him H-

[SunDevourer]

Nah, fuck that bitch. I would have put her shit on blast. Talking about confidence and challenge and goes to refer you to an exclusive site only. Where is the confidence and challenge in that? If that truly was her best advice for you I would have told her to take a seat.

What made her think that people knowingly or not with herpes would not be on those sites like match.com. Shit, I mean most likely they have it on their face or don't know about because Google image is highly unreliable.

I'd ask her what good is her advice if You can't apply it to all aspects of your life and dating? And >* ))))><

I am curious about her other advice. To me that just sounds like someone who doesn't really understand struggle. She probably got bored and thought it would be cool to be a love coach because of her limited views on the conflicts of life thinking she knows something. But of course just because someone is a doctor or police officer, or attractive doesn't mean they're going to be good at what they do. Finding those good ones is like finding a relationship as well.

 

I tired one herpes dating site and got just as bored with it like any other dating site. though it wasn't herpes only. More of the people had HIV and a lot didn't include a face pic. Which doesn't make the sites all to exciting when people don't have a face pic.

 

[Misha77]

Yes Adrial, you are right. Everyone has the capacity to hold stigmas. And btw I'm really glad you didn't take that advice. And neither am I (going to take that advice).

 

To basically tell me 'so why not go where you have the greatest chance of meeting THAT guy and stop choosing to think of it as limiting (as in my belief that it is limiting to think that I can only date someone who has herpes)' because 'If you want to date men who don't care- those are going to be men that have herpes already. Those will be the men who can look at who you actually are, get to know you and value you w/o hiding their fear of getting herpes, hurting your feelings and sabotaging the relationship. Everyone is limited in who they can date. That's just real life' is telling me that the ONLY people who will actually like, love and accept me and see me for who I am, is that 2%. And that the rest, the general human population, is not going to accept and see me for who I am. I can only date that 2% and the rest of the human population isn't going to want me? And according to her, this is the 90% general human population that's not going to date someone who has it, and therefore will reject me. I felt like I was being branded the scarlet letter. The thing that upset me is that I felt no compassion from her towards me. That was what really upset me. I thought coaches, of all people, would encompass that trait and want to build up, not to tear someone down.

 

Today, this is the first time in 3 years (that I've been diagnosed) that I've shed tears for herpes. I went back and re read everything, and I did some thinking. This is her truth and beliefs, but it's not mine and it doesn't have to me mine. I've read and known countless successful disclosures and discordant love relationships. But for a moment in time there, I was starting to wonder if the reality is what she says is.

 

I am here, to protect my belief that '"I deserve ANY man who is right for me and herpes isn't a barrier to that." I refuse to believe that only 2% will see me as I am and the rest of the general human population is not going to. That 'you're left with the guys who don't see herpes as a barrier to getting to know you and don't judge you for having a skin condition that most of the world has.' Since when did an annoying little skin condition that never physically affected me gotten in the way of who I am as a beautiful, authentic human being who is capable of love and so much more. And the man that I AM looking for, the one that has integrity, respect, honest, communicative, compassionate, thoughtful, understanding, empathetic, decent. A man who is educated and who is open minded and capable of making an educated decision free of stigma and fear, a man will look past an annoying stigmatized skin condition and see who I am.