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Disclosure after being intimate

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Im in a deep depression. Serious one. I had to take time off work because Of how horrible I feel. I was dating this amazing guy and we ended up having sex on the first night. I know. Very stupid of me. I didnt tell him because I was so scared he wouldnt talk to me anymore. Well we had sex TWO TIMES AFTER THAT.


TWO FUCKING TIMES. Im ready to end it all right now. Seriously.


I mustered up the courage and told him I have herpes. He took pretty well but I know he was disappointed. Im really going through a lot right now. I have been raped and molested so sex in my mind is how to get a guy to like you. Sex is completely screwed in my head. I feel like shit. I feel like I shouldn't exist right now. I tried texting him to see if he is ok but he isnt texting back. I want to die. I feel like I hurt him and Im so fucking sad. Im going to therapy because I have been through a lot of trauma ( I apparently have PTSD, depression and anxiety ).


I dont think I can ever forgive myself for this. I feel like my life is a joke and I cant handle this anymore. I really cant.

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You are not the first person and you won't be the last person that has ever done this. And I know for a fact that quite a few girls view sex as a way to get a guy to like them. Take a deep breath. It really will be okay. He might move on, and you know what? That's just fine too. If you attracted this amazing guy, you will attract other amazing guys.


I'm not saying this excuses not disclosing, but did he ask if you had any STDs beforehand? Did he insist on protection? I'm asking because we have the responsibility to disclose, but they are partially responsible for what they are exposed to.


We are all human and we dislike the thought of rejection. It's hard to put yourself out there when you fear someone might walk away. But try not to see it as you are not worthy of them, try to see it as they are not worthy of you. Because if they can't see past it, and see what kind of a person you are- then they don't deserve you to begin with. That doesn't make them a bad person, it just means they aren't the one for you.


Forgive yourself. And maybe take time to decide what you want from a partner. Do you want someone that just wants sex from you? Because if they are trying on the first date, then they aren't spending the time to get to know you. Maybe set some boundaries for yourself. I won't sleep with a guy til after this # of dates. And if they don't keep coming back because they aren't getting what they wanted- then you know that is all they wanted to begin with.

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Hello and Welcome!


@MMissouri said exactly what I would have said. I just want to add that right now, you are right to get out of dating... and I'm glad you are in therapy now because THAT is what you need right now ... right now your "thinker' is off because of your rape experience (and as MMissouri said, MANY girls believe the way to get a man is through your vagina... and most haven't been raped.)


Right now you need to take a step back and learn to love and respect YOURSELF. The person who raped you took that from you... or at least has you believing that it's not there ... and you need to be gentle with yourself AND, over time, forgive yourself.


FEAR causes us to do stupid things. One of those things is having sex without disclosing... the fear of the other person's reaction is a powerful motivator to just let it slide... and the unfortunate consequence is often that when you do disclose the other person feels betrayed and moves on.


Perhaps you should be tankful though, because this made you realize you need to reach out for help.... and THAT is a wonderful thing.... because now you can work on getting YOU back :)



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  • 3 weeks later...

Just wanted to update this thread. I have been going to a intensive outpatient therapy and it has really helped me with a lot of stuff. There is a lot of stuff that I need to work on but man am I happy that I took this time to work on myself instead of throwing myself in another relationship. Thank you for the messages. I really appreciate it.

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I just want you to know you're not alone. I was dating someone I thought was awesome and we talked and went on a couple dates before having sex (with condoms) I made the mistake of not telling him until I thought we were getting really serious. Like you I was scared he would walk away and you know what he did! He never answered another call from me after telling him. I felt like shit for a while and soaked up the fact that I had to learn from that and move on... I don't blame him at all cause I should have told him:( But Like WSCdanner2010 said you won't be the last to make that mistake!

Happy to see you are doing better and taking care of you:)


PS I was also molested and have issues around sex... Life is a daily practice:)

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Well @Prettynerd and @Cookielive don't be so hard on yourselves. A lot of people don't disclose for that very reason, people get freaked out and you lose them. Two things, if they were concerned about catching something they should not be messing around, and second, as long as you don't have symptoms and use a condom there is little chance of transmitting it. If they get infected, it is because they were in an energetic state of receiving the virus. They are probably having sex with other people and if they're attracting that experience they will get it from someone if not you. The only real way to be safe is never have sex. And most people aren't willing to do that.

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