Partner going back and forth with comfort level

[vividlife67]

Hello,

I'm fairly new here and just need some input. I've been dating someone for 3 months, and I told him about my status (HSV-1) before things got physical at all. He wasn't too familiar with the specifics about herpes, so I gave him the H Opportunity handout, which I think he found helpful. He's been really insistent so far on using condoms, and I started taking Valtrex every day. Last night, he initiated having sex without a condom. Then this morning he said "hey, can we have an uncomfortable conversation? How much more at risk am I since we did that last night?" I repeated the statistics, as to my knowledge with just daily suppressive therapy it's a 2% chance, and with condoms in addition it's a 1% chance (is this correct?) He said it felt amazing, and he just thought it wasn't fair to not ever experience being with me with no boundaries. But then he also said "obviously, we can't do that all the time" and said it was his fault it happened. I feel like he's very on the fence about this, and I'm trying to be understanding because I know he's taking a risk, but I don't know how that would work moving forward. How am I to know how often/when he is ok with doing it without a condom? Is it wrong that I kind of feel like all or nothing? I just wish I felt accepted for who I am completely. I am just very confused and would like some insight. How can I talk to him about this? I felt kind of hurt when he said obviously we can't do it all the time.

[MMissouri]

I'm getting ready to go in for work and this one doesn't have a quick answer. I'll try replying after my shift if no one has any insight by then.

[MMissouri]

You guys have only been dating for three months, so I think his actions at the moment are normal. If it had been a few years then I'd think that was more concerning. As for when he's more comfortable going without a condom- I'd let him decide that. (Except for when you are feeling an outbreak coming on of course). At the moment, I'd try to just go with the flow, and not take it personally when he chooses protection.

 

I would be kind of hurt at the statement that he made also. He probably didn't mean it to hurt you, but unfortunately it's hard not to take that personally.

 

I'm not sure of your ages, and if you might want kids in your future? But if you do, then this might cause a conflict later on. Some people are perfectly happy using condoms for the rest of their lives. I would not be. Anyway, until you get there, I wouldn't worry about it. For now, just see how the relationship grows. If he's went without a condom already, odds are he will again in the future.