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Dealing with aftermath: post-sex disclosure

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To say this has been a rough week for me is an understatement. While dating someone, I had the disclosure talk I thought it went great and then several days later I got dumped. In my anger and hurt, I went out and drank way too much. I ended up in bed with a friend of a friend, I was just looking to cuddle especially since I didn’t want to disclose my status. I kept trying to say no to the sex but he kept pushing and at one point he was in me with no condom. I tried to be okay with it but I ended up pushing him away but not telling him why. I’ve had HSV-2 for 5 years now and I take suppressive medication, I feel incredibly guilty and know I ultimately do need to tell him but I don’t know how. I’m so angry that he didn’t listen to me and I’m angry at myself for letting myself even get into that situation. I have such a myriad of emotions going through me. I know disclosure and honesty is the best policy but I just don't even know how to approach it.

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I feel for you, you have a lot to take care of just for yourself after what happened after your disclosure but now feeling guilt and responsibility for a guy who was about to behave irresponsibly himself. You didn't want or go out looking for sex you had (both?) been drinking. I'm sorry to say but a friend of a friend should't act like that especially when he hears you say "no".

He was pushing for sex with his friends friend without protection and the consequences for him and you may have been bad. If this was with someone, unlike you, unaware of their status or aware and don't care, he would've been putting himself at risk.

Positively, like @Bluebetty says, you are on meds and had H for a while. I get why you feel you *have* to tell him but i struggle to see why he deserves that consideration or disclosure of your private business after a few drinks and a fumble.

My feeling is, take care of yourself, rejection is hard enough without a whole load of side BS to deal with. Surround yourself with good friends, live your life and heal. The right guy is out there. Get yourself ready for him.

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Thank you, I am really struggling with this. Yes we both had been drinking, and I wouldn't even call this a friend more of someone I know from college. As I have thought on this more, I am very angry. I am very much into disclosing and accepting the fact that I have it but I felt like my choice to disclose was taken away from me. There was not one part of that night, where I changed my mind and went I want to be having sex right now. From all that I've seen on this site about disclosure is giving the other person the CHOICE to make the decision themselves. I feel like BOTH of my choices were taken away that night, my choice to engage in sex and choice to disclose my status. Now I realize I have a lot to own up to as well, I should never have gotten so drunk that I wasn't logically thinking, I remember saying No, we can't do this but looking back now I feel guilt that talking about my HSV wasn't even on my mind it was more No I don't want sex right now. I'm scared for myself and am going to go get tested for everything. With disclosing, I'm not even afraid of rejection, I want nothing to do with this guy. Like I said, I just don't even know how to approach this.

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Oh hun, go easy on yourself. Believe me, we ALL find ourselves in these situations at one time or another. You didn't commit a crime having a few too many drinks with someone you thought you could trust. Being in a vulnerable place takes us down some treacherous roads sometimes. You sound like a wise and thoughtful woman, which is where those guilty feelings come from. You are exactly right, those two choices are so important, I'm sorry you found yourself so soon after a painful experience, with someone who didn't get that.I hope someone with more disclosing/stats experience comes to your thread with some advice to bolster you but like Ive said, I think you are on the right side of safe with meds and length of diagnosis etc. I understand your dilemma. you are already taking responsibility coming here to ask advice and you did that night by saying no. Don't beat yourself up. You did and are doing the right things. Remember to have fun while you heal. And keep talking, not just here if you ever feel like you need extra help.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah, if people don't know that going out and having sex puts them at risk for exposure to STDs that's their problem. When I told the last person I had sex with before I got tested, he acted like I am a leper and has not wanted to see me anymore, but yeah, he was pursuing casual sex with strange women without a condom. If he gets infected he asked for it! Don't worry about it.

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