Pre-existing disability; losing hope for possibility of finding true love

[thegreatestgood]

Hello everyone,

 

This is the first time I have posted on a support forum since my diagnosis several months ago (hsv-2).

 

This news has seemed to me like the final nail on the coffin in my hopes for a happier life. I definitely have not had it very easy so far. I have a severe form of reactive asthma which tends to make me avoid places where I might be exposed to triggers like perfumes, exhaust, smoke, and sometimes even cooking fumes! I live a very sheltered life with my boyfriend of 6 years with whom I share an unhappy, co-dependent relationship with. At this point it feels like we are more like roommates and I think we both know it isn’t right anymore. He also has hsv-2. So far, I’ve been working extremely hard in my attempts to be more self-dependent and eventually get a car and a job that doesn’t interfere with my disability. I work as a full-time student and pay rent with scholarships.

 

As selfish as it sounds, I was hoping to eventually be self-sufficient enough to look at the possibility of other relationships. I am hardworking, intelligent, and free-thinking person who is very picky at this point when it comes to dating. I know that my chances were already limited before due to my preexisting condition, but this new one makes me think, “Well, I wouldn’t want to date me, so what makes me think that I will find anyone of quality?”

 

My self-esteem is crumbling. I walk around everywhere unable to stop thinking about my disease in see myself in light of it. Ironically, herpes has done more to damage my confidence than my breathing problem ever did. No matter what challenges I’ve encountered in my life, I’ve always vowed to try my best to be strong and work hard to get past them. But lately, I’ve been so depressed I feel like I wish my insufferable life were over much quicker. I know this is not a productive way to think, but my anxiety over the future has gotten the best of me and that’s why I needed the perspective of people who could maybe understand.

 

Maybe this is a calling to the path of non-attachment and to give up cravings for sex and a relationship? I don’t really think I am ready for that.

 

I am somewhat young and before I got this I was just beginning to explore my sexual preferences. Now I am becoming uncomfortable even when sex scenes play in movies. My question to females out there is: how did you end up reclaiming your sexual power? How have you started to feel sexy again? I've tried to think of porn stars that probably have it yet still perform. I also think about pop stars that people drool over that have it like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton who still act sexy and confident in public (but then again, they are rich which helps).

 

Thank you for listening. And to end with my favorite lines from an Arcade Fire song,

 

“My body is a cage, that keeps me from dancing with the one I love, but my mind holds the key…”

[WCSDancer2010]

@thegreatestgood

 

Welcome back!

 

First - I think you are on the right track. I think you need to focus on getting your independence (NO, that's not selfish! And the *right* man will recognize that!) and self confidence. I wouldn't go as far as "non-attachment" but I might say that perhaps you give yourself a year on your own ... to learn to love yourself ... to find your center again ... before seriously dating again. I took a year off from dating once and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I learned I didn't *need* anyone ... so I could make the *choice* to be with someone. And while I'm currently single ( and likely will be for awhile, as my father just moved in with me) I have faith that the right man will come along when *I* am in the right place. In the meantime, I have a nice collection of vibrators (yeah, I put it out there...LOL) to keep the sexual urges at bay. It's not at all perfect but sometimes not having to worry about another person isn't so bad either...LOL

 

I think you will get your sexy back when you get YOU back. When you can almost defy a man to not love you (even with the Asthma and H) ... because you KNOW you are a damn fine catch. And that confidence is sexy to a man. Once you get there, the big leap is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open ... scary as all hell but that's the point where the biggest growth occurs *if you let it* teach you because you get to be face to face with your fears. But the reward - true love - is, IMO, worth the risk every time!

 

(((HUGS)))

[thegreatestgood]

Thank you WCSDancer for your comment and all the good support you provide here! You and one other person on another site have both hammered home the idea that I really need to experience independence before I commit to another relationship. This makes sense, not only in an emotional sense, but also on a practical level.

 

On the other side of the coin, however, I do have deeply embedded desires to experience a fulfilling relationship since I haven't had much experience with them up to this point, and I have anxieties over being timely about finding someone (I have a really hard time of closing my online dating accounts even though I hardly use them and do not have the means to be in another relationship right now. But what if the "right" person came on when I wasn't looking? WHAT IF??) This kind of desperate thinking occupies my thoughts a lot. Like the clock is ticking...

 

I have found one thing that has quelled my worries over future disclosure to a potential partner. It is a scientific journal that displays the percentages of rejection faced by people who have disclosed. Surprisingly, the percentages were rather low, and most of the time, peoples expectations of rejections were remarkably higher than the actual rejection they faced.

 

Individual and Partner Characteristics Associated

with Genital Herpes Disclosure and the

Relationship between Disclosure Outcomes,

Rejection, and Future Intentions to Disclose

 

http://scholarcommons.usf.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6477&context=etd

*see page 87 for the chart showing rejection percentages

 

I am sharing this with you because I know this could be an invaluable resource to people here who are concerned about the topic. It also contains stats and a discussion over when is the best time to disclose.

 

After reading this article, I am determined to do my best not to worry over the future and take it one day at a time. This is the zen motto I should be following anyway, regarding any anxiety in my life.

 

I will try not to anticipate a radical lowering of my standards. If someone does reject me over my preexisting (reactive asthma) condition, I can accept that a little easier. Years of trauma have already placed me in an apathetic place of acceptance over that since I know I am doing everything I can to treat it and can do little else so why worry about it. I guess I better get that attitude nailed into my head real quick over the herpes issue. I certainly don't want anymore anxiety or emotional problems to develop over this.

 

Thanks again

[WCSDancer2010]

Thanks for the link - I'll check it out after the weekend... I have a project that is taking most of my time till Sunday but it sounds like something that we can use here.

 

As for the Asthma... check out http://buteyko.com/method/index_method.html - I know a practitioner who has amazing results with his clients ... they have a list of practitioners under the practitioner training section.

[thegreatestgood]

Thanks you! I have heard of that technique and am considering incorporating it into behavioral therapy to teach myself to slow my breathing if I am around a trigger. I feel my sensitivities to things may have generalized and gotten stronger over the years. Seems almost partially phobic.