Complicated choice, I need some advice...

[Lunali]

Hi everyone. I'm 20 years old and after 3 sexual partners (only one long term) I've been diagnosed with HSV2 about 2 months ago. From the information I've read, my boyfriend of 8 months gave it to me. It's either that or from New Year's Eve when I was sexually assaulted, but the chance is slim. I had just started getting over that when I got the results after an OB in mid July.

 

I care a lot about my boyfriend, but I resent him for this. He refuses to get tested, because he says it doesn't matter, he loves me and that I should be happy that he still wants me. A few weeks later he proposed, and all I could remember was how he still wants me even after this. I said yes even though my whole body told me not to. I'm not happy, I don't want to have sex with him or even see him and he's just hoping it'll pass.

 

I am pretty sure it won't because just 10 months ago I started talking to a guy (let's call him J) and we've been talking ever since. I should've stopped after I met my boyfriend, but I just couldn't and I feel terrible about it (which should've been a sign that I don't really love my boyfriend like I thought). J is funny and intelligent and basically my dream guy. We were supposed to meet in April, but it didn't happen since I was dating my boyfriend and then J got into a relationship himself. Now he's single again, saying it was hard to be with someone when him and I talk every damn minute over text and that he would love to meet me. It's what I've been waiting for. Except, now I have HSV2.

 

Last time we talked about STD's and sexual partners (yes we've talked about it all, except my incident on New Year's Eve), I was sure I was clean and I told him as much. I get tested in between relationships to make sure I'm good. Just a few minutes ago we talked about it again and he said he was happy I didn't have a whole Santa list of previous partners, since that lowers the risk of me having an STD. It broke my heart, but since I've read that it's best to disclose in person with your facts straight, all I said was "Yes, that does lower the risk." Because it does. I'm just very unlucky to have caught it just a year after I had sex for the first time. He then kept on going and said he's terrified of STD's (and other things that don't matter).

 

So what do I do? I want to end things with my boyfriend because I'm so unhappy, but then who would want to risk it for me? I want to do that, go on that date J and I have been gushing about for months, then tell him after a few weeks and have his support. I want him to tell me it doesn't matter. We'll figure it out. But what are the odds of that happening? I wish I could just forget and not know, but that would be unfair to him, because I don't want him not to have a choice in the matter like I did. I want him to know and not care. I just want all of that, but I'm so scared of taking the risk. Sometimes I think I should just delete his number and remember him and us as this great thing that could've happened.

 

So yeah. I need advice. What would you do in my situation?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Lunali

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First - do remember you are newly diagnosed and still learning about the virus so of course it sounds scary and you are buying into the stigma that you likely believed (or that you think your friends may believe). So for now try to take it day by day and allow yourself to become better educated and familiar with your new little hitchhiker.

 

As for the BF ... I think you know what to do no matter what happens with J. If you are not happy, you are not happy. Just because you have H is no reason to settle. There are billions of people who have *something* that might be seen as a "deal breaker" for many people, but that, for the right person (as in , the REALLY right person!) is so insignificant that they just don't see it or worry about it. I'm going to post a video below about Nick Vujicic ... who was born with no arms and no legs... who is an amazing person and motivational speaker ... and who got married a few years ago to one hell of a hot, beautiful (inside and out) woman who is now pregnant I believe with their 2nd child. He could have used the *reason* that with no arms and no legs noone would love him, and he couldn't live a life like everyone else. He didn't. And IMO if HE can overcome what life threw him, so can I. So please, if you are not in love, let him know and do what you need to do because right now you are robbing BOTH of you from finding TRUE love.

 

As for J. First, I'd *personally* suggest that you take time off alone. Get to understand what you are dealing with first. Get to love YOU again. You just lost the Russian Roulette of Sex (I got it on my FIRST sexual encounter about 40 yrs ago BTW... and HSV1 oral when I was 4. So suffice it to say I don't bet because I'm not good with odds!) Just tell him you are dealing with some personal issues that you can't discuss right now and ask him to give you a little while to find your bearings.

 

One thing you will find with H. It helps you to pick better partners. Your instincts about the current BF may be right as far as whether he knows he has it or not.. It's hard to know for sure. Many just don't want to know either way and find that ignorance is bliss. We see that all the time too. But now you are dealing with someone who says up front that lots of things "terrify" him. One thing you will find is that when you LISTEN to people they will tell you a lot about themselves with what they say. If he's anxiety prone you need to pay attention to that and determine if this is something that may affect the pair of you later. (HSV notwithstanding). And *personally* I believe if someone is willing to try to foster a relationship with someone who is IN a relationship, is that something they may do again in the future? As Dr Phill says, past behavior is indicative of future behavior. These are all things you can now observe about him as you take a break and get to learn to love YOU first and foremost.

 

One thing that may help you a lot will be to read all the Success Stories that you can. See how others have gone through the process of being where you are (newly diagnosed and convinced that noone will want to be with you...or at least willing to settle with *anyone* who will) and truly understanding that H is just one of many things that we come across in the dating world that will be deal breakers for *some*, but not everyone, you come across and if the person walks away after disclosure then either they were not as "into you" as they acted (ie, they may have been more interested in getting "into" you) or they just made a choice that is not in your control... but it's NOT about you! (Many who walk away have NO idea that they likely have been/will be exposed to H at least once if not many times in their sexual life ... especially with so many people having oral H and such high rates of oral sex in this country).

 

The stats show that those of us (the 20%) who KNOW we have H are much less likely to pass it on than those who are blissfully ignorant of their status. So while the diagnosis may *seem* to suck, be thankful that you know.

 

These links may help you... and check out the Success stories... 🙂

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/ (This one is good for showing prospective partners to give them the reality of the risks of having sex in general)

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

 

Herpes facts video

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3QezBvN1BE

[MMissouri]

I agree with WCSDancer2010. I would break off the relationship with the boyfriend. You're staying put for selfish reasons, and it's not fair to either of you. If you are unhappy, leave. How would you feel if you found out he was staying with you because he felt he had to settle?

 

As for J-There is only one way to find out if he is willing and that is to give him a chance. I don't think fantasizing about it helps any. But that's just me. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and if you can't deal with disappointment/rejection at this point of time, then I think I would take that break WCSdancer suggested. Work on your inner strength.

[Lunali]

Thank you guys for the advice. I think I already knew most of this but I needed someone to tell me straight out. I've just been trying to find excuses to take the easy way out. But I've read so much here and I know HSV (no matter if it's 1 or 2) is NOT a death sentence. I keep telling myself that it is just a skin disease that people know very little about and thus have very strong opinions of because it comes with the tag "STD". I did before I got my results. I prepared for my life to just die out because of it. So thanks for the help :)