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Newly diagnosed (6 weeks)


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Hi all,

 

I'm not quite sure whether anyone else has felt like this upon finding out that they've tested positive for the big H but I can honestly say that I feel at peace with myself about this. I must admit that when I first got the news from my test results I was upset and tearful and also quite angry at the guy who gave me it but after having read up about what Herpes actually is and how it's been blown up out of all proprtion in modern day society, I think the problem lies outside of the Herpes community and not within. The stigma that is attached to this is, by what I can gather, the biggest problem which ends up messing with a person's mind and emotions. The physical aspect of the virus, for me at least, is a minor inconvenience (maybe because my first outbreak wasn't the thing that played with my mind the most) the thing that, initially, got me was the "oh my god I have contracted an STI!" and "I'm unclean, unclean!" but like I said, once I calmed down and took in all the facts, I know that whatever comes and however many outbreaks my body may throw at me, that it's ok. I can handle it and that there are far worse health problems and diseases that are out there that, thank goodness, I haven't got.

 

The relationship I was in that catapaulted the whole thing is long gone now (suffice to say that the guy that gave me it wasn't at all what he appeared to be. You've all heard, I'm sure, the saying of, "when it's too good to be true it's too good to be true", well yes folks, he was too good to be true and I fell for all his BS lies.

 

It's early days yet for me on this journey but the feeling, more than anything else, the experience has left me with is that of no longer being able to trust guys. His leaving a physical calling card, as bad as it may or may not be (depending on how much I let it be) is nothing compared to the mental scars he's inflicted on me. You can medicate a virus, supress it and control it to some degree but how do you manage to not look at men in a different light after such a smooth talking, Oscar winning performance from someone who has betrayed you in such a way? I no longer feel that being by myself is such a bad thing. I've spent so many years by myself searching for a deep and meaningful relationship (after having been widowed at the young age of 27 and 6 months pregnant at the time - I am now 51!) that in all honesty it has changed my way of looking at my life. I am no longer actively seeking a partner and feel that my loneliness, over the years, just made me search for love in all the wrong places. When you are alone and want so much to be loved you tend to not make all the right choices and pretty much let yourself be swept off your feet by anyone who says and does all the right things.

 

Having herpes has made me re-evaluate my life from here on in. It has made me wake up to myself and it has made me become more aware of my physical health. I don't want this to define who I am and I don't want it to be a negative.

 

I hope that my experience, as brief as it has been so far, will be able to help others. I know that my biggest issue is not the virus but the lack of trust that I have been left with.

 

Love to you all! xx

 

 

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Yes it does, most definitely. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I've had my fair share of hurt and devestation in my life and I'm still standing!

 

Thank you so much for providing a safe haven for us here at your site, adrial. It means a lot for us to have somewhere where we can understand one another and share our experiences with. I only wish that I was, geographically, closer to you guys as I live in the UK.

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As far as the trust thing goes, (just my opinion, not judgement) when someone cons us into thinking something is better than it appears- we don't want to trust other people again. Naturally! But I think a big part of it is also forgiving yourself for falling for that person to begin with. Maybe you ignored some red flags, or had little doubts along the line that you blew off? Or maybe you just feel like a fool? (Again, please don't take this the wrong way.) Or maybe you're just hurt that you didn't see it coming..

 

A huge part in trusting others is to trust yourself not to make the same mistakes and fall for the same type of person all over again. To trust your judgement and realize your worth. I would start by building up you. And when you're ready, try again. Let the next guy win you over with his actions and not his words. Big Hugs.

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Hi MMissouri and thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

Well now you see, you say "Let the next guy win you over with his actions and not his words." That's exactly it; he not only wooed me and convinced me with his words but he introduced me to his family pretty much from the very beginning. It was what I would call a 'whirlwind' romance. Everything happened so fast, we had so many things in common and fell for each other pretty much on first laying eyes on one another! His family were very welcoming and warm. It came asmuch as a shock to them as it did to me when he finished with me and heard about the whole herpes thing.

 

So how do I trust my instincts again in the future as his actions matched his words? I thought that I was a good judge of character but now this has thrown me completely. By nature I am a very trusting person and give people benefit of the doubt until such time that they prove themselves not worthy of it but from now on, nature or not, I will have to keep that in check and for self preservation keep people at arms length, especially men. It's changed me on such a profound level that I don't even recognise myself anymore. Sure, my knee jerk reaction is always to trust but then a second more direct thinking kicks in and I purposefully remind myself to not be so foolish again so I find myself pulling up the drawbridge and not trusting as a self preservation mechanism. It's this that has devestated me more than the herpes that he's left me with because, like I said before, you can medicate a virus and take preventative measures to make sure that the OBs are fewer and far between but how can you medicate against people's lies and manipulations? How can you see that coming or know who is genuine and who is not? My only choice is, like it or not, to keep myself to myself and not involve myself with any man ever again.

 

Hugs back at ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ah, I misinterpreted that. I thought he was just a liar. Since his family is shocked at his behavior as well could this be abnormal for him? I don't know.. but I still stand by what I said about trusting yourself to make good decisions. We can't always pick the perfect partner, but we can take time to get to know them and go from there. People find out their partner isn't what they seem all the time, you're not alone in that.

 

How'd his family hear about the whole herpes thing? Yikes.

 

 

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Not only was he a liar, MMissouri, but I later found out that he's a womaniser. He dumped me via Whattsaap after having distanced himself via Whatsaap messaging with the excuse of, "Give me some time and distance, I'm trying to sort myself out and feel confused after having just come out of hospital". I totally understood and told him I'd give him the space he needed and that I would be there to support him etc., then out of the blue one evening he just Whatsapped me with the words, "sorry, it's over". I phoned him and told him under no uncertain terms was he going to take the cowards way out and dump me like that with no real explanation. I demanded to know why he was dumping me and he said that whilst he was in hospital (see my sepsis post) he started thinking of his ex gf in Italy (he later told me, when I went to confront him face to face that they'd broken up in the August and that he got with me immediately after at the beginning of September). I've since learnt that he is a womaniser and has a reputation amongst the Italian community where he lives.

 

His family live in the town where I live and I guess they didn't know about his shenanigans with other women in his town so it came as a shock to them that he had treated me so badly. They learnt of the whole herpes thing because I told them about it and told them that this was his parting gift to me.

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