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4 months since diagnosis and going strong, because H stands for Hat.


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Hey, I just need to ramble a bit and build on that H confidence of mine.

I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 4 months ago now after a pretty painful outbreak. I knew before I got the results that I was positive, I could just feel it, so when I did it wasn't as bad as it could've been.


I was sexually assaulted at a party on New Year's Eve this year by a random guy I had shown no interest in whatsoever. I was dating someone else and happy about it. To this day, I don't know if I passed out from too much drinking or if he slipped something in my drink, but based on how much I had, the second alternative is the most likely one. It was hard to move past that night, to see myself as worthy again. My "innocence" felt violated. I felt dirty and like it was my fault. It took weeks before I understood that I was the victim and not the one to blame, no matter how many drinks I may have had. My friends helped me move past it by making sure I was busy. I also started talking to a guy online 5 days after it happened but we will get to that later.


The result of the sexual assault, the rape, was that I stopped drinking. I feel very uncomfortable around strangers that are drunk and sometimes even drunk people I know. Health became more important so I started eating better, exercising and making sure I stayed on top of my physical health as well as my mental health. The guy I started talking to shortly after does not drink either and that pulled me in. As it turns out, he has a great personality and, if I may say so, he's a hottie. But we never met those first few months of talking so I started dating my now ex. When Mr. Online then finally asked me out, I told him I was seeing someone else and he started dating as well. We kept on talking every day like usual and we became even better friends.


In July, I had my first OB (and only so far). It hurt, I went to the doctor and they tested me. I told my boyfriend who supported me and said it didn't matter to him. I got the results, positive, and he immediately changed approach and accused me of cheating. After that nasty fight we were pretty much doomed. I kept on going though, because even if he had been cruel, I still had feelings for him. Not electrical ones, but he was safe. He wanted me no matter what my status was. I was worth it and a lot more to him.


Then came the final nail. Mr Online ended whatever it was he had with the girl he was seeing because he couldn't stop thinking about ME. HSV2 positive me. Now he didn't know at the time and still doesn't, but the connection we had made me end it with my boyfriend. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst (I secretly hoped it wouldn't work out to avoid a future disclosure) I met Mr Online in the beginning of November and we had a great time. Instant connection and attraction. Sparks. Fantastic kiss at the end. I was on cloud nine crying because I was happy and scared afterwards. The next time I saw him was just as good. Same with the third time and we now know we want something serious. An official stamp on what we are. But I am now scared. Going forward will mean sex eventually (yes, please, btw because again, he's a catch) and with sex comes disclosure. My first one going into a new relationship. Disclosure.


On the last date I watched him in secret and remembered just that. I thought "Soon you'll know and then everything will change." I told myself to treasure these blissful dates we have before he knows.


But today, I'm saying this:

"I am worth it. Even if I had every STD out there, I'd still be worth the risk. If someone can't see that, then that's definitely not the one and is not worth my time or effort. H seems bad to people that doesn't have it, and I get it. The unknown is scary. But H is NOT a big deal. It does NOT end my life. Especially not my just started sex life. It's an outbreak every now and then, and I might not even get any after that first one. It's having to tell people before you start something intimate with them. But that's ok. It'll be like the sorting hat from Harry Potter. It'll show me who is worth it to ME. I'll take this diagnosis and make it mine. I'll be in control and confident, because I am worth every risk."


So, in the next few weeks I'm gonna tell this guy. I'll put the Herpes-hat on his head and see if HE is worth it to me. If he really is the whole package. I really hope he is, and no matter how confident I am, I will be devastated if he decides to move on without me. But I'll move on as well. And I'll find the guy I'll take weekend trips with and the one that'll go crazy for me no matter what I tell him.


Because H doesn't stand for Herpes anymore. H stands for Hat.

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I absolutely love your Harry Potter sorting hat analogy. It's absolutely brilliant and a great way of looking at our situation. :-)


I know you're going to be fine, no matter what the outcome. If he's a wise man and a good listener he will hear you out and realise that you are still the wonderful lady that he's fallen. The H is nothing to really fear, what is to fear is the stigma and negative conotations that people attach to it. When all is said and done, it's a virus that, from time to tim, gives us OB (for some they may be more severe than for others) but at the end of the day there are ways to deal with it and the OB do not change the people that we were prior to having been diagnosed with it (hell, some of us were probably living with it already but were showing no physical signs of having it!), so you hold your head high girl and keep that "I'm worth it" attitude because you are.



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