Rejected twice and suffering emotionally

[C4]

I found out I has herpes (HSV-1) two months ago, whilst I having an non-exclusive relationship with two different guys. The first guy I told reacted really well, amazing in fact. He stayed throughout the night and held me and told me that it was all going to be ok. He said if I ever needed anyone he would be there. Fast forward one month and whilst we haven't seen each other, we had remained in contact and then out of the blue he drops out of communication. Essentially, he ghosted me and when I messaged him and told him that whilst I wasn't mad at him I would like to know what's going on, he continued to ghost me. I gave him an out at disclosure and reiterated it, I told him I would accept and respect whatever he said, but still no call, no text, nothing. To be there and to act the good guy, then suddenly to disappear is a headf**k that just adds to the hurt of his rejection,

So, I'm dealing with that and the reaction from the other guy, which was just awful in all honesty. Guy number two essentially exploded at me. He threw everything that I said back in my face (he even responded "so" when, after demanding to know why I seemed to be struggling with it, I told him that I wasn't coping with it well, because it had triggered memories from a rape that occurred the beginning of this year). He went on to tell me how he once met a great girl but had turned her down because she had herpes and he wanted a child. He demanded to know all the details of my sexual history and for some reason I complied. Though, the real messed up thing about this situation is that I ended up having sex with him that night. I don't remember how we transitioned from arguing and me declaring I wanted to leave to the bedroom (we were drunk by this point and there are gaps in my memory), but we had quite a lot of sex, protected of course, until the condom broke. Then he yelled at me. Whilst, I reassured him he was so mad with me and made me feel like shit. I left when I woke up, after realising I was late for a family engagement. I wished I could have stayed and talked to him more, because I feel he actually needs to be educated about the virus, but now he doesn't want to talk to me. Mostly, I'm fine with that, my opinion of him changed that night, it was like he morphed into someone else, but that's not to say I don't care about him.

So all in all, I'm pretty screwed up at the moment and I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this level rejection, on top of the emotional and psychological pain of the rape. I feel like I'm falling apart. How do I process all of this? How can I find a way to be happy again and not cry myself to sleep? Time is not going to heal this, but I don't know what will. I used to love mediation, but now I can't sit in a silent room, there's just too much pain within me at the moment. Please, help me help myself. How do I start the healing process?

[MMissouri]

I would say that in order to heal you need to figure out what you want in life.

 

If you want the non-exclusive relationships, partying (drinking), come and go type thing, then there isn't really anything to say about the above other than to move on. Because, frankly, if that's what you want, it usually ends regardless of how or why. Not saying that makes it less painful, but there's no commitment there. No firm relationship, regardless of how fun it is. Make any sense?

 

If you want something more, then you need to hold out for something more. I'm really hoping this doesn't come across as being judgmental. I've done the whole fun and sex thing, and that is essentially all it is, and people don't stick around.

 

I think you need to do some soul searching. Answer some tough questions. What exactly do you want right now, what is best for you, and what is going to be better for you in the long run?

 

 

 

[C4]

Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them.

 

I guess I should have made it clear that the only reason I got into two non-exclusive relationships at the same time, was because I was at the stage where I (and they) didn't want to commit at such an early stage and I happened to meet them at the same time. It wasn't just about sex, there was more to it than that.

 

From my experience, this is normal when your dating, especially when you are in London and in your 20s! It's not exactly textbook, but I was aware the situation was only temporary. I knew I wanted more and that it wasn't fair to anyone in the long run. I just never thought that herpes would be the reason things didn't progress with either guy. I hate how it is something that others will use to define and reject me.

[MMissouri]

I think that "just sex" for girls still has an intimacy to it (if it's a er..fuck buddy) we still have some type of expectations (Whereas a one night stand is different). I don't think guys really view it the same way (emotionally it's easier for them to walk away).

 

I could be really wrong about the above. But that's been what I've noticed. And maybe herpes wasn't the only reason they walked away. The one that went silent on you still communicated for awhile. Maybe he found another buddy. Who knows? It's still ignorant of him but ya know..

 

The second one sounds like an ass in my opinion. He was angry, I get that. But grow up a bit and if you are choosing to take a risk afterwards (Even with alcohol and condoms) then take some responsibility for the consequences. SO it broke, that was NOT on you. Anyways, it seems like you have a lot going on emotionally-rape, herpes, and now two guys that have left for whatever reason. The relationships don't sound healthy to me (I'm old now and I see red flags at the behavior because it's just opening yourself up for more hurt, just my thoughts.) You can have casual sex, but if it's casual, then keep them boundaries up.

 

Anyways, how are you feeling lately? Hanging in there?

[C4]

I'm still at the stage of questioning their reactions, but I do understand what you've said and see that you're right. I guess at the end of the day I shouldn't expect someone to behave in the way I would like. I'm sure they have their reasons for their behaviour and even if it hurts me, I shouldn't forget that "difficult situations" like this can be hard for anyone to face. I shouldn't judge him for taking the easy option out. Although, I'm not in the forgiving mood just yet, it just feels like it a really immature, inconsiderate and selfish reaction. I'm also worried that he has it, as we had unprotected sex two weeks before my diagnosis. I just hope that he now recognises the need to practice safe sex.

 

When it comes to guy number 2, I know he has his own issues. That's not to say I'm excusing his behaviour, but if I'm to let go of my feelings of rejection then I need to be compassionate and consider his perspective, even if it feels like it was verging on the extreme. In all honesty, I think what drove his complete ass-like behaviour is because he was ill-informed and scared of contracting something (he prided himself on his immaculate health). I can forgive him for that, health scares frighten people.

My hope for him is that one day he will educate himself more about herpes and realise that it's nothing of any consequence. As health conditions I personally would never count it as one. So, on that note maybe I should stop allowing the opinions of others to influence and inform mine. I shouldn't care if their opinion is one that stigmatises me.

 

I guess, what I need to do now is to allow myself time to recognise and deal with each issue and the emotions that come with it, without letting it define how I see myself. Most of the time this feels borderline impossible, however, other people have done it and I'm a stronger than I ever give myself credit for. And I do see the benefits from going at this alone (with support from friends, of course). It means that it'll be harder, but my self-worth and feelings about myself won't be dependent on external validation from anyone else.

I've been thinking about getting counselling and have tried to get some through work and local services, but got rejected (oh the irony) because of my position/housing status. This forum is really helpful though and seems like a good, non-judgmental place to start the process of healing.

[MMissouri]

I don't blame you for not feeling forgiving at the moment. And maybe it'll help if you look at this in another way. The entire situation shows you how they deal with things. One walked away without being upfront with his reasons, and the other one got angry and blamed you. I realize everyone reacts to news differently, but those reactions tell us a lot about the person.

 

I really think you're going to be okay-you've already started to work this out on your own. Everything you said in the last paragraph is spot on. And while you are healing, you can help others if you'd like. I think that helping others work through something that you are also dealing with is a different type of therapy.