I do not want to disclose my hsv-2 status to my partners! This is why

[Sail]

Well stated. Thank you @hippyherpy!

[MMissouri]

@Sail..I love these posts simply for the debate of it. And I'm not advocating non-disclosure, but I really think we need posts like these to help people work through the why or why not of it all. I agree with Dave to a point. Herpes is not a serious virus unless you have a rare reaction or are immunocompromised. BUT...There is a big BUT.. being in the medical field can you acknowledge the fact that if you are immunocompromised then many minor viruses are going to impact your health? Influenza, mononucleosis, cytomegalovirus, etc. etc. All of which a lot of people have but do not disclose. So.. although it is a good reason to disclose, it may not be the one that jives with some peoples rationality.

 

That guy you are talking about doesn't sound like a good person. Did he try protecting you? Take antivirals, insist on protected sex, abstain at certain points? Did you insist on STD testing? Protection? There is a 50/50 responsibility there. Another disclosure argument..

 

Tough love question here- How does a medically educated person get a sexually transmitted virus? He might have been self serving and dishonorable, but I wonder if a portion of your anger is at yourself?

[hippyherpy]

Medically educated can get herpes easy too.

 

Nurses tend to be very horny and they can't help sometimes they can't themselves when there is an attractive man in their midsts.

[MMissouri]

Yeah, my point being we are all human and it happens. Sexual education only gets you so far if you don't follow the steps responsibly. Who really drags prospective partners to the STD clinic beforehand? Not many. And unless we do it's all a guessing game. We need to be honest with ourselves about that and admit we are partially responsible for our status.

 

And.. the nurses comment..I'll just have to take your word for that lol.

[Sail]

The Question Was Posed To The man. He said he was clean. I stupidly trusted that he was honest. He was not. He did not take antivirals, and he slipped his condom during intercourse x2. When I said I was uncomfortable with this he shrugged it off. Some people are predators. It's just as simple as that. I was new to the market after being with my husband, who died, a 17 year relationship and this was one of the first experiences I had on this market. I have never dated as an adult. The last time I dated someone, other than my husband, was when I was 17 years old. Needless to say, no one touches me without proof of STD testing. I don't trust males and I have ways of figuring out intentions of that male early on so I can save myself the trauma of what is now past. I agree it is 50/50 unless you get involved with a manipulative predator. My thoughts on disclosure: if you are protecting your partner and it's a one night stand, yes by all means whatever. If you intend to get into a relationship with someone you respect, that is a violation of trust and if someone kept that big of a thing of me, I would question whether I could trust them with other things in life. That's just me though and I am a honorable person with integrity. I work with like minded people who have the same beliefs that I do. First and foremost to do no harm. Thankfully there are still people out there that think like that...... The reason I will always disclose to my sexual partners is because I want a clear conscience going into a sexual relationship. I also do not want to worsen a bad stigma and have people think that herpes carriers sleep around with many people and are dishonest. Education is key. It angers and retraumatizes me when I hear that people would not disclose because it adds to the badness of the stigma and worsens people's perception of what herpes is and worse it speaks to the carriers' honor as a group. Disclosure is still important because the one night stand could have a compromised immune system. God forbid they are an organ transplant. You just gave them a death sentence if you exposed them to herpes. I would not want that on my track record.... not for sex. The stakes are high. All I am saying is that people should be able to decide what their bodies will be exposed to if there is that option. I would have liked that choice. I would have said no thank you, I'm too new to the market to risk exposure.... The exposer knew that and chose to lie.

As for your last question. Some of us have shitty luck and select a smooth talking asshole. I am mad at myself for trusting a male that was obviously not to be trusted. He was very intelligent had graduate degrees and knew exactly what to say, how to say it, he even was an elementary school principal, which is really scary that he is around children when he is that predatory. He knew better, he just chose to do the wrong thing. It is a manipulation tactic. I have learned an important lesson there. Part of dating is trusting people to be forthright and honest with you. I have learned how to trip up the predators and dishonest within a few hours of meeting them..... Hell, they give themselves away on their profiles sometimes, but not usually. I was naive once, but no more.

[MMissouri]

@sail, I am by no means trying to pick on you, but your posts in this thread just ooze anger. I'm hoping that our posts are helping a little with relieving some of that. (Or you could just be getting angry with me for continuously calling you out? I mean well, I promise. lol)

 

You didn't answer my question about immunocompromised people and other viruses. You went on to talk about donor recipients- which like I stated above, there are many viruses out there that are not disclosed that also would be fatal to them. You've centered on HSV1 and HSV2 and are using it to guilt people into wanting to disclose (and possibly scaring people by making them think they are fatal to others). And although I agree with your reasoning, you have to acknowledge that Dave has a point. CMV is in 1 of 3 children, and 50% of adults have it by the time they are 40. Since it's a strain of herpes, It might be better to just state the simple fact getting the flu can be fatal to someone that is immunocompromised. Are you going to call someone who passes on the flu dishonorable and lacking integrity?

 

Your reply kind of feeds into the stigma. He was educated, intelligent, good career etc...And your point is?

 

You're ripping him apart, and I don't blame you for being angry. But in defending your position, you've essentially ripped apart quite a few of us, yourself included.

 

Anyway, before this thread gets closed (Sorry!) I just wanted to say I hope that you forgive and find some peace. And that talking this out has helped you put things into a different perspective. It IS a minor virus, much like any other virus. Yes, it can cause complications in immunocompromised people, just like any other virus. Just because it's sexually transmitted makes it no more dangerous or disgusting than the others.

 

 

[Sail]

@missouri. We are having a discussion. I am sorry I am coming off as angry. Towards the man, yes, towards the group I am neutral. No I do not feel picked on. Yes, many minor viruses can kill the immunosuppressed. Trust me the immunosuppressed still have sex and from time to time make poor decisions as we all do. When I discuss more debilatating outcomes, I am talking more on the lines of herpes encephalitis etc., it happens.... I am also talking about the poor people on this thread who mentally cannot handle their exposure. My heart goes out to them. PS, if I had the flu I would definitely abstain from sex with someone because, yuck.... right?!?! Who wants to be sneezed on, thats sexy! Lol... PS even the flu can be fatal in non immunosuppressed. I have seen that too. As for other contagious viruses, those should be disclosed as well. I am speaking for my purposes, my values. I would not feel right if I had any transmitable virus and not disclose, but I also deal in saving peoples lives. I see death almost daily. The other reason I like to share myself, good and bad, is I am trying to find a life partner, not just have sex. By all means, if a person has no intention of finding a life partner than their responsibility lies in just using antivirals, condoms and trying to protect their partner.

Yes, this is a passionate topic for me and makes me angry because I am a careful person when my body is concerned. I was just put into a bad situation and in case you were wondering it was not a one night stand. It was a few weeks into the connection. That's why it infuriates me.

Honesty and being courageous does count though. This is why I disclose. I don't want there to be any secrets between myself and the people I choose to love..... Again I speak for myself here.

Discussing things on this thread is a good thing. It helps a lot of people. It has helped me greatly seeing that there are many "normal" people who are exposed and many very well educted people who are exposed. Yes I enjoy discussing topics because it helps every one to see and have different view points. Hell, one of the most amazing men that I have met, I met on this thread. We are friends. I guess why this is so dear to my heart is because I feel I took precautions and was cheated and infected anyway. That sucks! I am an unlikely person because I take great precaution in screening people before intimacy. Obviously, I did not take enough precautions with this man. I also acknowledge that many people aren't as dishonest as he was with status. I applaud those who take full precautions to attempt to protect others. That is a stroke of integrity on their part; however, if you are to have a level of relationship where there are no secrets..... It's best to be honest upfront. There is a lot of respect with just saying "by the way" and "let me educate you on this and why it isn't that big of a deal." If you do not disclose, you are feeding into the idea that herpes is the Scarlett H. I guess that is my point. Yes, it makes me very sad that people can't have an open discussion about this. It's all in how you look at it. If I thought it was the plague I would not have been so willing to post my picture. I am not afraid of having this virus. I am sad that people add to the stigma and make it a huge deal because they don't understand what it is. We are in agreement, for most it isnt a big deal. The key word being most. For some it is a terrible disease. And, yes, hippyherpy RNs can be sexual too and obviously herpes doesn't discriminate between the medical folk and general populous ;).

[Sail]

@Missouri ps: I haven't thought of the exposer in months. Not a second thought until this thread. I am at peace. I enjoy life. I just don't let people in my life who would lie to me, use me and abuse me. I am surrounded by people I adore. I hope that this thread helps others see all points of view. Good debate. Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you both @hippyherpy and @mmissouri!

[MMissouri]

@sail, I think I love you. LOL!!

 

As for our debate- you do have to remember that the flu is transmitted before signs and symptoms are present. I completely agree with your reasoning behind disclosing and personally I would not put another person at risk either. But by saying at risk we are kind of making a big deal out of something minor (Except in rare circomstances). I can relate to peoples reasoning for not wanting to disclose. Not that I wouldn't, but I wouldn't judge them for what they decide either.

 

I work in a hospital also (?), which is why I'm enjoying this conversation. You're posts resonate with me and I think with more time you'll also see why some people argue disclosure. (I'm not saying it will change your mind, and I wouldn't want it to.)

 

You disclose, but I have to ask, do you tell people at work also? We've had many discussions on the forum about the naivety of the medical profession on this topic. It's sad really, that the stigma bleeds into the places people go to for help. I pop out facts on occasion, but I've not told anyone my status.

 

Happy Holidays!! And best wishes for 2017!

[Sail]

@mmissouri. Lol..... I cannot possibly be everyone's cup of tea, but I am loved by many, many people. I enjoy our debates too. I think effective communication is key in any forum. Sometimes I get very passionate about things because I would want to know if someone I was intimate with had anything transmitable, even a skin condition and the risks that go along with it. It all goes back to that age old saying, treat others how you would like to be treated. If you are dishonest with people, expect dishonesty back. I do not judge others' pathway in life. I simply will not allow them into my life.... its as simple as that! No one will ever change my mind that being upfront and honest with people, genuine is not the right path no matter how small the virus/ infection/ contagion. Cheers on the flu point! That would be the exposers that don't know they have it until..... THEY KNOW THEY HAVE IT! LOL

I know you are medical, your jargon and intelligent responses betray you :). I think another reason I am sooo very passionate about this is because I see the isolation it creates. I see the anger and depression that people go through and I definately saw the suicide thread that went up a couple of weeks ago. I dont know how many in this group have saved the life of an unsuccessful suicide attempt victim, but I have also seen that. It is the saddest thing when a 25 yr old can't handle a body change mentally and decides that suicide is their only way out... A sad reality I face. What is a simple skin condition to one person, is another's death sentence. No one can ever assume how another person will react to being infected. To those who don't believe me read some of the threads that come through here. The newly exposed are "terrified" "alone" etc. It is my great sadness and I do reach out to these poor souls who feel their life is over. I think all of us here can relate to how scary it once was to be diagnosed with a lifelong STD with a bad stigma attached to it. To this day it still sucks and I manage without antivirals asymptomatically. (On antivirals/ condoms when dating, of course).

As for the last bit. The reason why medical staff are so weary is because they see the worst cases of all the stds. They see disfigurement, permanent suffering and death. It brings on a whole new level of fear for them. I know, I was one of them. This disease has shaken me to my core, when I was first diagnosed. I balled my eyes out for a month, isolated myself, wanted to die, was ashamed, embarrassed and felt contaminated. I went through in my head what I missed with the guy. What I did wrong. It was a terrible time in my life. As far as disclosure of my herpes, my friends who are coworkers know. I take every opportunity to educate them and change the stigma. They are astounded at how little they know about what herpes actually is and how many strains of herpes there are and how in most cases it is benign. They are shocked at the amount of people who are carriers. All I can say is the people who know treat me no differently than they did before because I educate them properly on the disease and it does not change who I am as a person. Though I don't scream my status down the street, I am very open and honest about it. I try to destigmatize where I can to whomever will listen. Imagine the success we would have if we were open and honest as a group, instead of hiding and not even willing to disclose to our intimate partners. The power it brings to say yes I am an RN and I was exposed to herpes. If I have educated one person on this thread or contributed someway to the way they think, then I feel like that is a win :). To everyone Happy 2017! May blessings be upon all of you wherever you maybe in your journey!

[Jojo84]

@Overthinker2 I would like to give you my perspective as I have done both disclosed and not-disclosed.

 

In my opinion there a two types of disclosure. The casual "I-just-want-to-have-sex-with you" disclosure that has almost always worked out for me. Yes, some men have left right after I disclosed but only to be back at my door step a couple days later. Casually disclosing is sexy, it is empowered, it is honest, it is badass and most importantly it is easy on you and your heart. My casual disclosures have been my most successful ones. Why? Probably because I wasn't emotionally invested. I was confident and not afraid of being rejected more than being rejected while asking someone out on a date or asking for a phone number. Rejection in that case is not more than someone not liking the way you dress, or the way you laugh, or the way your nose looks. It is not personal. I told them how it is and they went for it despite knowing the risks. Try it!!! You will be surprised how great it feels to have sex with someone that knows and that doesn't care. A place where you can be exactly who you are with a clear conscious and not a care in the world.

 

But then there is the "I-really-like-you-and-want-to-be-serious- but-I-am-mortified-you-are-going-to-break-my-heart-and-reject-me" disclosure. This one is the hard one, the one I haven't quite mastered yet. But also the one that should open your eyes for what kind of person you are looking for. And what it really is you WANT in your life. I disclosed to someone that I had developed real feelings for. It was a mutual feeling of attraction and butterflies and falling in love at that point (so at least I thought) that led me to believe the person was the right one to disclose to. After three month of emotionally investing myself WITHOUT any sexual encounters he straight out left me out in the cold once I told him. No compassion, no discussion, not even a real I am sorry I just can't deal with it talk. The devastation and heartbreak I felt is hard to describe but guess what? I am more thankful than ever that he reacted the way he did cause I do not need anyone by my side who reacts in such a cruel and insensitive matter. Nobody does. And you do not need someone like this either. If you disclose and they run ask them to run faster. It weeds out the real keepers from the ones you thought were keepers. In that sense herpes isn't that bad. It actually can help to see what your eyes and heart sometimes fail to.

 

And now to the hot topic of not disclosing. I have done it and I would advise for you to really think long and hard about going that route. In retrospect I wish I had handled the situation differently and disclosed. And why is that? I do share the opinion that in this day and age, with that much awareness and education, every sexually active person should be very much aware of the potential risk of catching an STD while engaging in casual sex without discussing the risks of doing so with said partner. I also believe that someone who takes ALL necessary precautions to not transmit the virus (condoms, antivirals, observation of outbreaks) does not put the person at risk more than the person is putting him or herself at risk by engaging in sex with someone they barely know. However, you have been through it yourself. We all have. The period of finding ourselves in the darkest hour. The process of understanding and accepting what we now live with and who we now are. The stigma, the rejection. And exactly that is what I am not ok with giving someone without offering the person a choice. And not because I HAVE to offer that choice or because I think everyone who doesn't disclose is a bad person, but more so because herpes has made ME a better and more compassionate person. Because I have decided that from now on I will take the liberty to force all my future sex partners into having to make the decision whether they would be able to handle a diagnosis like this or not themselves. And not me making it for them.

[Jojo84]

@ScarredForLife I was infected by my ex partner in a very similar way than you were . Married for 7 years with no history of STD's. Got a divorce and the first person I met after my ex-husband knowlingly and carelessly infected me with HSV2. So I do understand the anger you feel. However, I think you fail to see the difference between deliberately and carelessly transmitting compared to taking the necessary pre-cautions to not infect a partner especially someone you are having a one-night stand with. The celebrities you are citing were sued because they were in full blown relationships with their partners. In seemingly loving relationships that should be built on trust and honesty. Probably having unprotected sex without disclosing. Should someone that deceives a partner in such a way be held accountable for it? Yes they should. And so should my ex and probably yours. But not every case, not every situation, not every sexual encounter should be or can be held to the same standard.

 

Also, HIV and herpes should not even be mentioned in the same breath. HIV is a deadly virus. Herpes is a skin rash. How could we possibly even compare the two and the sentences that will be given in court?

 

In my state for example you can't sue for herpes. Researched it, thought about it, let it go. Posts like yours further play into the stigma of herpes as an unbearable curse that will forever ruin your life. It is not. Had I read your post in he beginning stages of my diagnosis I might as well just jumped in front of the next train. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect it, but please take a breather. Nobody on this forum is going around deliberately infecting people. We are here to help each other, give advice and lift each other up.

[Jojo84]

Never disagreed with that. I actually 100% agree with you and believe me I am a victim too.. My ex has infected three other women that I know of. And I don't even want to know how many more there are or will be. Unfortunately, my hands are bound. And I would assume yours are too. Good luck to you!

[Sail]

It's too bad these assholes can't be branded permanently for their wrong doing so everyone would know that they are disease spreaders. What I did do is report my exposer to the dating site so they are aware of this man spreading disease. My hope is that the others that my ex will infect will report him as well. I think a great many of us don't sleep around and just trusted the wrong person. As for lawsuits. I am in agreement. I would love to go after the F**ker legally, but again it's a convoluted situation with the burden of proof on the victim. Expensive.... I am in agreement with both of your views. I think disclosure when a person has anything transmitable is a must no matter what the skin condition or deadly virus. There Is No Excuse For not having open and honest communication.

[Bambina3]

@scarredforlife

I'm sorry if I'm asking questions that you might have answered, I did read most of this thread...first, hsv1 and 2 are not part of the standard std panel, you have to specifically ask for it, -and even then most doctors do not feel it necessary to administer the test unless symptoms are present (my experience)....also, just because he had an ob, doesn't mean he was your giver...hsv2 is tricky and can be transmitted without any symptoms...if you've had sex in the past, and not asked specifically for the test to compare results before and after partners, you cannot prove where it came from.

Also, I really don't want to hear we are victims...we made choices, maybe we were at fault for trusting, but we made the choice to put ourselves at risk for contracting this disease...I am positive for hsv1 and hsv2....I always had the choice of protecting my sexual health, and I failed..I know condoms are not 100 percent, but it's close.

I'm sure you already know most of this

I blame no one but myself for my diseases.

[MMissouri]

@scarredforlife. The flu reference was just a random virus used as an example. It was meant to prove a point on immunosuppressed people and that was it.

 

I'm sorry but I disagree with suing people over STDs. It's kind of like the Mcdonalds and coffee, it can burn you. Did people sue and win? Yes. Do you know STDs are transmitted by sex? Yes. Can you sue and win? Yes. Does that mean you should?

 

In my opinion, you know that you are taking a risk every time you have a sexual encounter. Unless you have taken that person in for STD testing 3 months after a period in which they abstained, then you have taken a risk. Blinding trusting someone is clean makes you somewhat liable if they are not. And I say this because most people do not know they are infected. And with herpes, you have the double whammy of misinformation-doctors telling people they are okay as long as they don't have an active outbreak or if they use condoms and people with oral herpes that have no idea they can transmit it to genitals by oral sex. They aren't intentionally passing this on. They just don't have all the facts. And what about those people who get negative results but are positive? Or are misdiagnosed? And that HPV lawsuit is ridiculous... just ridiculous. Most sexually active people have a strain of HPV.

 

Herpes is not on the standard STD panel. They could be tested regularly and not even know that they are not getting that test. Would you sue someone for that? Have you checked all your prior STD tests to make sure you were tested for HSV?

 

Where is our accountability for our own sexual health?? I get that it sucks it happened to you. I get that you feel betrayed that you trusted someone and they broke that trust. I also get that you're angry and hurt. We've all been there. I know I may seem that I'm blinding standing by asshats who don't disclose information that they may or may not have, but I'm not. I'm just trying to wake people up to the fact that if you take a cup of hot coffee, even if you've been visiting the same mcdonalds for years, if you don't make sure the lid is on, you might get burned.

 

(And I'm not stating burns are the same as herpes, it's just an example to prove a point)

All this time invested in researching court cases involving STDs? For what? Revenge?

[stillstruggling]

First of all, I would like to thank all parties that comment on this site. In our daily lives of being around others, watching tv, or reading a book, you would not think anyone deals with this. Thanks to your comments I know they do.

 

I've come to the conclusion that this is a debate that will never end. People have and always will continue to have sex. It's human and as with everything there are consequences. The word consequence is usually associated with negativity. A consequence can be positivity as well. No one deserves to have herpes and no one deserves to not have herpes. As a society I think we all get caught up in who deserves to have what. In actuality, it's science. These stds go back to the beginning of time because people have been having sex since the beginning of time.

 

I felt unlucky too when I was diagnosed. Herpes is not lucky or unlucky. It's science. The unlucky feelings come from the negative comments that society places on us. Have we ever thought about the fact that it's because people don't want to hold themselves accountable and it's always easier to place blame elsewhere? People want to paint us as monsters because they think their this so called "clean." Their definition of clean is I feel okay and no doctor has diagnosed me. Some don't even get tested and still hold to this claim of being "clean". There no such thing as clean.

 

Also, there's so much hypocrisy surrounding this topic. Some of the people who say they are advocates also help feed the stigma. Using the word "clean" referring to people who don't have herpes, indirectly says that herpes is dirty. Stating that someone had a good character has no association with carry an std. It implies that people of bad character should have it only. Talking about branding people (non disclosures) also feeds the stigma. It promotes people to think they shouldn't be accountable for any of their actions so as long as they stay away from the so called "bad guys." Feeding stigma leads to fear. Fear is what causes people to be ashamed and not want to discuss the topic.

 

The simple fact is most of us on here are in this position because at some point in our lives we had a sexual encounter with another human being. We're not dumb or unlucky. We're just human.

 

If I come back on this site, I'll probably change my name to "making progress" or something similar.

 

Happy New Year 2017!

[MMissouri]

@stillstruggling. Love it. Couldn't have said it better!

 

(I'll try to be aware of my use of adjectives in the future also, very good points).

[hippyherpy]

I think that if you are playing the field then you don't know where herpes comes from as either giver or receiver. I'm actually not against people Taking meds and not having sex on breakouts doing casual sex without disclosure at this point because there's know way to tell who is giving who what anyway, and most of the people who do casual sex know what they are getting into. If you are in a big city doimg causual tinder hook ups or whatever, then you've pretty much signed up for herpes. You are lucky if you hook up with someone who has a good conscience and is taking suppressive meds and you can't really get mad if you catch herpes if you are going to sleeping with random people. Therefore, in my mind, disclosure isn't necessary for that situation. At this same time, if the other person doesn't really care, then they won't care if you do disclose, and if they do, then they are an idiot in a way because they are pretty much asking to get herpes if they do casual sex like that.

 

That said, I have yet to not disclose, even in the casual things. I disclose more for myself to remind myself that herpes isn't a big deal etc. because it really isn't despite the creeping stigma.

 

 

 

 

[Overthinker2]

Thanks stillstruggling! Nice to hear from a person of my demographic living with this. Since I last posted I have told one good friend. Honestly her reaction was not what I was expecting she was very angry that this guy gave this to me and is not trying to take responsibility. But she was supportive and hasn't treated me any different. So that's good she just wants to help me live a healtheir lifestyle. Which already started to do. I have completely cut out meat and just eating fish with a semi vegan diet. Hopefully one day I can become a full vegan. One thing about this virus it has made me want to be more healthy. I just want to be the very best me in every way. So this minor part of my life will be my only flaw.

 

I have planned to stay celibate for a while. In order to do that I'm going to have to change my number to not feed into the temptation that I usually would feed into. I have a few guys that are seriously interested in me and constantly check on me because they can tell Ive been really down. I may tell one of them see what their reaction is,if he doesn't care great we can have sex if not I'll continue to be celibate. I know God works in misterious ways and I know he diagnosed me with this for a reason. Probably to slow me down I mean I got pretty out of control for some people's standard.

[Overthinker2]

So I meant to post that last comment weeks ago but here's an update guys. I have disclosed to someone I was dating. At the moment he took it really well I almost felt like we bonded but since then he has been very distant. I feel like he's had time to process things and realizes he is not willing to take the risk. And u know what else I realize I'm not willing to risk giving this to anyone either. I feel like I would never forgive myself! I would never want to put anyone through what I've gone through. On top of everything else My giver is now completely denying he gave it to me or that he even has it but he will not show me his results! Is there anything I can do to make him show me his results I just want the peace of mind knowing that I got it from him and I want him to take responsibility so I can move on. Anyway for now I'm going to remain celibate (seems like sex is a trigger for me anyway) and I'm just going to stop dating untill i can feel confidate that someone will completely except me and won't be nervous about giving it to someone else .

[optimist]

@Overthinker2 I think it's really great you disclosed, regardless of the outcome. Also great you shared this info with a friend. At least for me, talking about it helped take away the power of the stigma.

 

As for your suspected giver and his unknown results, I know it's hard not to know, but as someone who doesn't know where and when I got it, I've come to really appreciate that I don't know. I think when it's associated with betrayal of some kind, people can get more easily stuck. And maybe your fear of transmitting it to someone else and how they would react is linked to your own experience and your own feelings about your ex, you know? Maybe if you can accept this has happened without knowing all the hows and whys, that same sense of acceptance will ease your fears about potential transmission to a partner.

[Dave]

@Overthinker2 Again HSV is not, I repeat NOT a big deal.

 

[Rayofsunshine]

All I can say without reading everything (because I dont have to) is by not disclosing you are apart of the problem.