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My life is over, I'm heavily considering suicide.

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I don't have much energy, I almost never do. I'm simply broken, unrepairable.


Here is how I broke.


I never slept around, never was particularly stupid about sex either. Just got lied to, and unlucky. Maybe I just trusted to much in human beings. I've been so depressed my entire life has turned into a fog. I was either 18-(early)19 when this happened. I wasn't in a good head space, I was lonely. I had gotten out of high school and didn't have much going on in my life. I was never the type to aggressively go about looking for a relationship, always figured I would keep trying to be better and eventually someone would come my way that liked me for me. Well one day this girl messages me. Lets call her A, A and me go on a date all is going well. Things up going very well, or so it seemed. At the end of the date things end with sexual intercourse. Afterwards she rolls, over and tells me "I'm a good fuck, but I'm in a relationship" I hadn't been informed of this prior to sex, and I did make it clear I wasn't interested in hook ups. I already felt lied too, and cheated. Then 3 days later, I find out she lied to me about her age.


I wasn't even aware of the potential herpes at this point, that age part was enough to send me into a destructive tailspin. I ended up getting suicidal and being hospitalized. The hospital treated me like an animal. I was sleeping on the cold floor without a bed because the were so under funded. I only really got interaction with the security guards, very friendly guys. Doctors spent less then 10 minutes with me. I wasn't even given warm clothing so I ended up freezing in the 65 degree temp most of the time. I got out and tried to start putting my life back together, however. I had lost the ability to trust doctors, even to this day I haven't been able to even see a shrink, dentist, or regular doctor. This is why I don't know I have herpes just suspect.


Fast foward, fall of this year. All I have been doing is sleeping 12 hours a day for the past year. I get up and my house for an hour, and I try to wash myself at least once every 4 days. I know, I need to bath more. Life is just so hard right now. When your depressed heigein is one of the first things to go.



I want to get better, but don't know how. I can't even stomick walking by the offices of doctors, never mind going in them.




I need somewhere I can talk, somewhere I can sort through this. Somewhere that won't call the cops on me for feeling extremely suicidal. I'm hoping it's here, on these forums. I want to get better, I'm just emotionally crippled and incredibly skeptical of everything.

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Thank you for sharing yourself here, man. This is the first brave step. I remember those days of feeling not just that I hit rock bottom, but had set up residence there. ;)


And this now is a process for you. A process of climbing out, getting back up, treating yourself well. Start with the "little" things that you enjoy. Do more of those. Little by little. Get help from someone you trust. Shop around for awesome therapists. They are out there. I promise you. H Opp's forums are here for peer-to-peer support, but you would get so much out of finding a therapist you can talk with in person on a regular basis to get this stuff out in the open and be heard. It's like there's a poison in you and you need to flush it out.


Here is a powerful way to realign your suicidal thinking ... Ready for this? In our culture, there is such a stigma around suicide. We're afraid of it. We think it's abnormal. But if you really ask people and really get a straight answer, everyone has thought of suicide at some point in their lives. But just because you think of it doesn't mean you kill yourself. Instead of killing yourself, instead ask yourself this question: "What in me wants to die?" There are associations and expectations and beliefs that you now hold in your mind and being that are telling you that life isn't worth living because you have herpes. But that's simply bullshit (pardon me). Don't always believe everything you think. (My dad's favorite bumper sticker.) ;) There are plenty of people out there living awesome lives with herpes (I'm only one example out of many — got married to an amazing woman a few months ago and we're now expecting a beautiful baby boy). So know that this isn't all about herpes; it's about practicing a more self-accepting and empowering view on your life. You're on your way. This is your opportunity to turn everything around in your life. And reaching out like you've done is a HUGE step toward that. Coming out of that dark, dank cave of hiding ... welcome to the light.

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I understand your lack of trust in doctors, but you may need antidepressants, and they are the only ones that can prescribe them. I would go to a general practitioner and talk about your symptoms. If you are worried about being put into a mental health unit, then don't mention suicide. Tell them how you are finding it hard to get by on a daily basis. Sleeping constantly, not caring about hygiene etc. These are common signs of depression and sometimes we need a little extra help to get going again. I do think you should look into therapy as well. I know that you are trying to avoid all this, but I just wanted to make it clear that I think your first step should be getting professional help.


As for getting better on your own, it is not easy, and although it's possible, you really have to commit to changing your life and thought processes. If you can get to the point where you are feeling a little better and a little more in control, then maybe you can then reach out to the doctors to get the help you need.


I'm not the therapist type. I have sympathy for people up to a point- but then I tend to lose patience and want to throttle them into reality. LOL. If you don't mind someone that may tell you to wake the hell up and do something with yourself, feel free to private message me. But I feel I should add the disclaimer that if you want someone to sympathize with you and tell you how everyone in your life is in the wrong (help victimize you) then I'm not your girl.


Best of luck

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I found out I have HSV2 I felt the same way. Then I educated myself about Herpes and realized this is nothing. When you look at the numbers you'll find that it's pretty common. Sadly, this virus has an unwarranted stigma associated with it, especially when it's in the genital area. We can thank the drug companies and the media for that. Think about this up to 80-90% of people that have HSV, don't know they have it because they get little or no symptoms. And roughly 1 in 6 people have HSV, think about that when you're in a crowd. The next time you're in a bar and some guy is telling a herpes joke, he might have it and not even know. Also, there's a reason why some doctors don't include HSV in STD tests...because it's just a skin condition that is an inconvenience at most, for some people. If it truly was a big deal then the medical community would require this testing with physicals. And as viruses go, the flu kills people every year, HSV does not.


This video while simplistic, should make you feel better.

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Not only has getting herpes not been a social death sentence for me, I've used the ocassion to improve my life in ways that I wouldn't have had I not gotten diagnosed. Realize that the power stigma is an illusion, and that these things you are dealing with might not have anything to do with herpes.


You are depressed, and that can be a painful place to be. You get a tunnel vision of the story of your life and feel like there is no way out. What I'm going to tell you is that story is not the only story. Recognize that how you feel is not neccessarily who you are, and that feelings can change overtime.


Keep in mind that when you bottom out, the only way you can go from there is up. Things will get better. You need to give yourself a chance to heal first. As much as you hate doctors, that might be a good place to go for a professional opinion.


You will get better bro. Be patient and take whatever steps you need to triage the situation. I would seek out some professional help, or talk to my buddies or family.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Suicide is not an option, so get that idea out of your head. Life is all about cycles - up's and down's herpes is a skin disease - would you kill yourself over a zit?


It sounds like you are fighting a bout of depression so I'm going down that path with this post. If I'm off the mark - ignore this / maybe it will help someone else.


I have been on antidepressants, and they do work but it can be an experiment with dosage and type of meds so this route can take awhile. I found that, for me, other things were a sure fire way to break the bad cycle.


I know it can be hard, you have to force yourself at the start - here are a few tips:


1) take a multivitamin everyday. Add fish oil and/or extra vitamin D3 if you can.

2) develop regular sleep patterns.

3) get exercise. You dont need to start training for a marathon, get off the couch and get your heart pumping for 30 to 40 minutes a day. Everyday. Consistency is key

4) eat regular / heathy meals

5) eat a banana everyday. Google the benifits if you don't believe

6) don't isolate yourself. Get involved in a group. Church groups or checkout meetup.com are a few ideas

7) do things you used to enjoy - reading, bowling, fishing, skiing. Something to distract yourself


I know this list may seem daunting - but for me these simple things have been a tremendous help


never forget there are many people who love you. You may not think so now, but thats just your head messing with you.



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@help_account, When I was in my early 20's, I spent two full years sleeping my life away due to depression. I was probably sleeping 12-18 hours during the day, then I'd watch reruns on tv all night. What @hippyherpy said is absolutely true--you get tunnel vision and you miss out on seeing the big picture. The big picture is that there is a lot more going right in your world than you're able to see because of the depression. Antidepressant medication can be a big help for many people. I know it lifted me out of "the fog" enough where counseling could really help.


When I got my own herpes diagnosis barely a year ago, I spent the next six months thinking about suicide on a very regular basis. The only reasons I'm still here are because I couldn't abandon my nearly 15 year-old golden retriever, and many of the items on the list @stillstanding gave. Especially exercise. Make it a goal to shower and walk around the block once every day for a week and you'll be amazed at the difference. Our minds and bodies are connected in so many ways. It's much, much easier to heal the mind when the body is also getting what it needs. The tiniest improvements will make a difference.


Today, I feel like my life is just beginning. I want you to feel that way too. {hugs}

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I swear that I've had many more acceptances than rejections with this.. to the point where so don't even really think about it anymore. I still disclose though. And as far as the virus has affected me personally.. it's been like almost nothing. I had a pimple on my nose yesterday that was about as annoying as my last herpes outbreak. And I had a cold last month that was much worse than any herpes outbreak I've had. Granted I am on daily Valtrex, but still.

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