Day 5. Never thought it would happen to me.

[NeedHope_]

Saturday, December 17th.

My mom was having a pre-Christmas Christmas celebration, my room and bathroom were a total mess (as per usual), and unknowingly my period was about to drop. I took a break from running around and trying to clean up to hop in the shower. I decided it was time for a shave, that's when I felt (then saw) something I'd never seen on myself before. It was a small bump on my outer lip (vagina); I might have noticed another bump or two around my anal area but I can't recall. Anyways, I was worried, but I didn't think much of it at the time. I hopped out and continued on with the madness. A few hours later, my period dropped (which from what I've read on here is one of the big reasons for an outbreak). No problem, popped a tampon in and continued on with my day/night. After the party a few of my friends, my ex and I went to a local bar. We knocked back a few drinks, played a few games, went to Denny's for some late night grub. Needless to say, my ex (whom should have NEVER been my ex-but I digress) slept over. Besides the fact that I had just gotten my period, I knew something wasn't right in my nether regions. I didn't let him touch me, we fell asleep.

 

Sunday, December 18th.

As soon as I used the restroom I knew something was terribly wrong. There were more bumps and there was a feeling present that I had never experienced before. As soon as I was alone (my ex was in the shower) I called the nurse hotline and tried finding a clinic to make an appointment. My ex was out of the shower before I could finish so I cut the talk short and left the appointment making for another day. I had to work that day with this life-changing realization. I didn't know for sure, but after some research I had a pretty damn good idea. I was working an 8-hour shift. As soon as I got to work and found an isolated, quiet area I broke down. Very mildly, but a breakdown nonetheless. A co-worker, and good friend of mine, walked in on me only to let me know what the work load was. When he realized I'd been crying and got a half a**ed response on my end, he expressed his support and said he was there if I decided I wanted to talk. He gave me a light hug, knowing had he given me a longer whole-hearted one that I would fall apart right then and there. I sucked it up, wiped my tears and got back to work. Of course those suckers crept out throughout my shift, but I had on a sweater with some very absorbent sleeves.

 

Monday, December 19th.

I woke up knowing what had to be done. I made a few calls and finally found a good walk-in clinic. As I sat in the waiting room waiting to fill out my paperwork I couldn't stop the tears that were shedding, knowing the doctor was going to confirm what my gut feeling was telling me. As soon as I sat on that dreaded table the waterworks went off. I could hardly get a word out. I looked at the nurse (who had an empathetic facial expression which I knew would change as soon as I told her) and let it out. The doctor came in and after a big spiel filled with false hope she confirmed what I dreaded. "It looks like a herpes outbreak." That was the end of the life I knew. It felt like the end of the world. I got blood work done and left some urine in a cup. It had been 2 years since my last check up. Why did I wait so long? Why wasn't I more careful? Why this? Why that? What a fu**ing idiot!!

I called my mom (whom is also a carrier). I cried to her. I called my ex (whom I was working on starting a relationship with again) and told him I was driving to his area because we had to talk. I contacted the two guys I had recently had intercourse with (at different times of course) and asked when they had gotten tested last. Their response, "a year ago". I told them they had to make an appointment to get tested right away. Of course, both had a list of questions for me. Fast-forward. The conversation with my ex went as expected. He was angry, he wanted to know who they were, why I did it, insults were thrown around loosely, he had to step out of the car to take a breather. His reaction (after some thought), however, was completely unexpected. He was infuriated with me, but he expressed his support. I dropped him off and drove back home. As soon as I got home I texted him (prior to my knowledge of this development we had made plans to be together that day). He hadn't eaten, I hadn't eaten (mostly because of a lack of appetite and because I was in bed falling in and out of sleep). We came to an agreement. I was to drive back, we were going to watch a movie, then hit BWW for some wings and mozzarella sticks. We did just that. Of course my condition made me uncomfortable for about 80% of the time because we were mostly sitting, but I was so comforted by his presence. We came back to my place afterwards and he held me.

 

Tuesday, December 20th.

We spent the whole day together. I ended up going home at the end of the night, against his wishes, because this is still all very new and I don't feel comfortable waking up anywhere else.

 

Wednesday, December 21st.

I've been up since 9am, it's currently almost 12pm. I'm still in bed, still crying, I haven't stopped. I look on social media and see all my friends and their lives. Nothing has changed. Nothing, except that now I have this big secret that I never want to disclose to anyone else. So many times I was warned. So many times I went against my gut feeling. I should have never asked my ex for a break, we made our mistakes, but he was always the one for me. I should have known that. I'm 23, he's 22. He's healthy, he has no health concerns and has the rest of his life ahead of him. We can never have sex the way we use to. He deserves someone better. I can't help but think that. I feel so guilty for everything. This could have been prevented. I could have lived the rest of my life with him. A healthy STD-free life. But I decided to do what I did and now I can't stop beating myself up about it. I almost don't want to keep living this way. I've got support, but I feel like my life is over. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

 

I realized most people won't read this because of the length. Sorry. It was just a good outlet for me. I'm really happy I stumbled upon this website. Thank you.

[ihaveittoo]

Hello @NeedHope_

 

As a nearly 30 year veteran of herpes I would say you are doing very well so far. You are at the part of all this that really sucks. You are doing the right thing by posting here and seeking some support. Back in the day this was not available, wish it had been. Educate yourself first and foremost. After awhile I believe you will find things aren't as bad as they seem at the moment.

 

@WCSDancer2010 has a blog at this link http://supporttruthanddialog.com/. Its very informative and has a lot of advise you may find useful.

 

Ella Dawson is a young woman about your age. She has a blog at this link https://ellacydawson.wordpress.com/. She is a few years ahead of you on this road and may be a good source of inspiration for you.

 

Adrial has a number of videos you can watch if you haven't done so already.

 

Just remember you are far from alone in this world of H.

[Katidid]

I'm also an over 30yr veteran of H. Married 21 yrs now. Husband does not have it. You can resume a very normal sex life and have a great life otherwise! We have traveled the world and have had a blast. I'm in excellent physical condition (weight training 6 days a week), eat very clean and get plenty of rest. Life goes on!!! Also, in looking at social media and seeing your friends looking all happy go lucky doesn't mean they don't have H.....look at the statistics.....it's not something you would broadcast anyway. Taking proper precautions, you can keep others from getting this. Good luck!!!

[hsucks]

I was just diagnosed almost 3 weeks ago and I'm also in my 20s. The first week was so incredibly hard. I'm almost 99% positive I got it from an ex who swears he doesn't have it, refuses to get tested, called me awful names etc. basically just in denial. After your outbreak is gone, what happened for me at least, you won't even think about it. I disclosed to my dad, who was the last person I would have ever wanted to know, and he said, "So what? Yeah, you have it for the rest of your life but once this is gone you won't even think about it until you think you have another one coming. You're extremely fragile right now, be fragile. You feel sorry for yourself, so go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. You feel sad and angry at the world, so feel sad and angry at the world. But there has to come a time when you suck it back and soak in the reality of it. Yeah it sucks, yeah its not ideal, yeah you wish you didn't have it, but you do and now you have to do what you can do deal with it. If you let it change your life, it will. Don't let it consume your every thought. Think of it as an annoying skin condition where you just get outbreaks every now and then. If you have an encounter with another guy, tell him, inform him, and let him know what you have is simply just an annoying skin condition you have to deal with from time to time. In three years from now, you'll look back and you won't even think about it anymore. You'll be alright." Those words made everything okay for me, hopefully this can help you, too. Now that my first outbreak is gone, I don't think about it anymore. If you need someone to talk to please please please inbox me!! It feels so refreshing to talk about it with someone who can relate. And sorry for the long post :)

[NeedHope_]

@ihaveittoo thank you so much for reaching out and sending those links. I'll definitely be looking into them!

 

@katidid wow! That gives me so much hope. How have you been able to live abnormal life (sex-wise) without putting your husband at risk?? It seems so far fetched to me now.

[Katidid]

My husband chose to always use condoms except for oral....so it has been totally his choice. I think Terri Warren of westover heights stated she had spent about 18 years worth of relationships with H positive men and never contracted it so it's certainly possible. I would suggest anti viral meds daily.

[MMissouri]

@needhope. Maybe your inspiration is right next to you. Your mom is also a carrier? Do you love her any less? Feel she deserves any less in life than the next person? Do you find her tainted? Disgusting? Or any other negative thought you can tag onto herpes?

[NeedHope_]

@MMissouri Yes. She's had it for about 30 years give or take, but her life has been very different than mine. Her life was rough, mine has been a stroll in the park in comparison. I love my mother so incredibly much and have never looked at her any differently because of H. Just want to make it clear that I'm not placing any negative tags on people with H. I'm simply disappointed in myself for the choices I made that got me here. I could have easily prevented myself from getting it. Every time I look back I just wish I would have done things differently.

[HikingGirl]

@NeedHope_ Unfortunately, there's no way to prevent transmission entirely. I grew up hearing that condoms protected against STDs and I got herpes during an encounter that involved a condom. Most people who have herpes don't know they have it, and most doctors don't test for it. I'd be willing to bet many of us here knew very little about herpes before we got it. We just didn't know and we can't go back to change that.

 

Staying with your ex was never a guarantee of having an STD-free life. Sometimes I think about how if I had never divorced, then I wouldn't know I have herpes and could be blissfully ignorant right now. (Btw, I acquired it before I met my ex and we had unprotected sex for our 16 years together and he never got herpes.) But my ex asked for the divorce and that was beyond my control. It also would have been beyond my control if he had cheated on me and had been the one to give me herpes.

 

It sucks to think about how much of our lives are beyond our control. And we all know what it's like to wish we had done things in our past differently. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. It helped me to give myself permission to grieve. And I grieved like hell for nearly 7 months before I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. {hugs to you}

[MMissouri]

@needhope_ I didn't think you were looking down on people with herpes, but that you were looking at how to adjust to your diagnosis and all the negative feelings people tend to deal with after diagnosis. Your mom sounds like a strong woman, and I bet you have a bit of that in you as well. Like hikinggirl said, there isn't a method that 100% prevents infection (other than abstinence, but even that can be argued since HSV1 is normally acquired in childhood). Hang in there.