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    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

BrokenHeart


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I've recently been diagnosed with Herpes and as we all, I am devastated. I was dating someone for 7months going strong, even talk of marriage and children. He is 13yrs my senior and an amazing guy, someone I never thought I'd be interested in but I was smitten. My diagnose came about the 5th in a half month of our relationship, from a regular STD screening. I had thought he'd given it to me, but foumd out not all my places I'd gone to get tested in the past included a Herp test. The scariest thing for me was telling him but I ripped the band aid off. He too went to go get tested and I must add he was extremely positive through the whole process, even proclaiming he had it as well, until he came back negative. Curently we've been broken up for 3days because I had to address the elephant in the room. No sexual activity for maybe 2/3wks, everything else was fine but our sex life was outrageous prior to this mostly on his behalf. So of course I knew something was wrong, he's told me I'm his best relationship, & I believe the heaviest concern (other than contracting it as a general worry) on his mind is never finding a connection like ours. He has said he's made foolish decisions his whole life he doesn't want to make another by catching this and we break up. But at the same token, he doesn't wanna let me go & lose out on love. Although it was established we'd just be cool he still calls me bae, tells me he loves me, & even mention me to his mom in a text. Oh, in about wk ago we were jokin about baby names. I know they say action speak louder than words so Im confused right now, I need advice from any and everybody. Lol. Thus far I have dropped off his items back to him and took my items from his house all while he was at work today. I got no word from him since, Idk if he's looked in his drawers yet to even notice. This morning he text me that he loves me & he's sad, I never responded. He's already said its a deal breaker, so Im just ripping band aids off everywhere. But we spent all weekend together as we always do. Yesterday, he couldn't keep his hands off me, he wanted to cuddle, he kissed me every two sec, he kept coming up behind me hugging me tight. At one point he was on me soo much I slightly pushed him back to simmer him down. I was confused he had just told me he didn't wanna be with me, but at that point I did realize he was grunting, grabbing himself etc. I felt like letting it play out but I didnt wanna be let down. It made me realize though, he is still sexually attracted to me, that gave me hope. Idk what my next move should be, Im trying to give him space to see if that causes him to miss me enough to work us out. But I also dont wanna lose him by him thinking I made up our minds and Im gone. I love him beyond words & I'm just lost & scared.

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I feel for you. There is a high likelihood he will get the herpes virus. But, it's not the end end of the world. Outbreaks of herpes are recurrent and you notice the skin symptoms at the very beginning. Between outbreaks, it is possible to not pass it on, especially if you are older when the virus becomes weak. Even if he gets it, at the risk of sounding crude, so what? Then you both have to adjust.

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In my life since contracting herpes m in 1972 , I have chosen to become celibate, except for once in 2002 when i went online to a site called MPwH (meet peoople with herpes). The relationship was a train wreck. Not because of herpes, but just because we were incompatible.

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skokan, what has you say there is a high likelihood that he will get herpes? Where do you get that from? As you can see from the handouts that come with the e-book — https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html — there's a 4% chance per year that a man will get herpes (with no protection or medication) and a 1% chance per year with both protection and medication. There's actually a very small chance. Same chance of any of us dying in a car accident each year (but we still drive our cars without a thought). My wife has a 5% chance of getting herpes (I take acyclovir and we don't use condoms) and she hasn't gotten herpes in the years we've been together. And she's pregnant with our baby. So yes, life goes on after herpes. It's not the big scary monster that actually has the power to ruin anyone's life. We are the only ones who have that kind of power to either make our lives into a failure or an opportunity ...

 

So Ray, (welcome by the way!) it's something that you get to school him on the actual risk involved and he makes a decision to take the risk or not. And hey, love is always risky. It's what has there be so many poems and songs and stories that revolve around this magical and harrowing mystery of the universe. So yes, risk is inherent in love. Sometimes it's risking a broken heart, other times it's risking getting pregnant, other times it's risking herpes, other times it's risking actually falling head over heels in love and giving yourself fully to another human being. ;) But really put it in perspective for yourself. Be fair to yourself. There is an unfortunate stigma floating around out there about this simple skin condition called herpes, but you don't have to buy into it. You just keep being your sweet self and loving him. Soak up the relationship in the moment. Focus on the love and connection, not the fear and stigma. If he decides to take the risk and (worst case scenario) he gets herpes, it's not your fault. You two are in *relationship* ... you're not just some disease. In relationship, it's both of you making adult decisions to be together and take a risk for love. Of course no one wants to get or give herpes, but when it comes down to it, it's just not something that is a true dealbreaker if you're meant to be together. And if he decides to not take the risk and walk away, yes, it will hurt. It'll hurt bad. And in that case, it just wasn't meant to be. But I'll tell you what: Your heart will live another day. It will get stronger through both loving and it will get stronger through breaking and healing. Our hearts are pretty resilient creatures. They are capable of being shattered in the worst moments of our lives, but magically they are also fully capable of healing and mending and holding even more ... So don't let the risk of heartbreak hold you back from going for it and giving it your all. Worst thing that could happen would be heartbreak ... best could be real, deep, meaningful love. What's there to lose? ;)

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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As i have said on previous posts, my wife contracted the virus even though i was not having any symptoms on the skin. There is evidence that there is "shedding' of the virus even though there are no physical symptoms, This is common medical knowlwdge, eepecially among females in the moist environment of the vagina during intercourse In my caes, this how it happened..

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Ah, sorry I hadn't read your previous posts. :) Yes, asymptomatic viral shedding is certainly a thing (which is talked about in the handouts, too), but there's still a very low aggregate rate of passing herpes. I just don't want people to get the wrong impression about the overall risk based on individual experiences.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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If you don't mind me asking how long have you in your wufe been together? I'm trying to show him the truth but he seems to be convinced. As I see all the positivity in this forum I have begun a drastic healing process. I text him lastnight and I let him know he's waiting for perfect & Im going to live my life. He's sad, hurt, etc. But I don't understand how, your deciding to leave me. Our ONLY issue is herpes our relationship is great, thats the DEAL BREAKER. Haven't heard from him since I text lastnight round midnight I know he's at work so its okay. For someone to say I am good enough, Im great etc. But because of this condition Im no longer worth it. I dont want you, I acknowledged my own feelings and stpped focusing on his so much. I won't beg nor plead, love will prevail. If not he can step aside for the right man. When I see how discordant couples treat their mates, I want THAT love.

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Oh & also I always thought there was a 4% chance on medication and condoms. Even that js not a big enough percentahe to walk away, I feel. If you honestly felt it was worth it, I've started suppresive therapy on valacyclovir once a day. He went to go buy condoms after we knew he was negative but we were only intimate once since after knowing. I let him know Im trying to protect him, I'd never hutt him. But as said before, worst case scenario we both have and have to adjust to life.

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@Rayofsunshine I'm so sorry you're going through this. Now more than ever, as you are processing your diagnosis, it's important for you to know that you are not defined by your diagnosis. I experienced a breakup as I was processing my diagnosis and I did take it very personally at the time and also saw it as a sign of things to come. Fortunately, I was very wrong. I soon came to terms with it myself, experienced acceptance from new partners, and came to understand that different people assess risk very differently, and often their choices have little to do with me personally.

 

It may be that your boyfriend will learn more about the risk and the prevalence of genital herpes and have a change of heart. If not, it may be that he simply can't handle the reality of knowing the risk exists and statistics only make him more anxious because they force him to think more deeply about something that makes him anxious. Whatever the reason, it may not be tied to his personal feelings for you.

 

I love what you said about being inspired by hearing how some HSV- partners treat HSV+ partners and feeling you deserve this. Yes! Whenever I think about the possibility of being rejected for my status, it helps me to remember that a physical relationship with someone who has concerns about being physical with me would be totally unfulfilling and I don't want that kind of relationship so it's in my own best interest to move on in such a case.

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If you don't mind me asking how long have you in your wufe been together? I'm trying to show him the truth but he seems to be convinced. As I see all the positivity in this forum I have begun a drastic healing process. I text him lastnight and I let him know he's waiting for perfect & Im going to live my life. He's sad, hurt, etc. But I don't understand how, your deciding to leave me. Our ONLY issue is herpes our relationship is great, thats the DEAL BREAKER. Haven't heard from him since I text lastnight round midnight I know he's at work so its okay. For someone to say I am good enough, Im great etc. But because of this condition Im no longer worth it. I dont want you, I acknowledged my own feelings and stpped focusing on his so much. I won't beg nor plead, love will prevail. If not he can step aside for the right man. When I see how discordant couples treat their mates, I want THAT love.

 

We were married for 7 or 8 years. She reported the same symptoms I was familiar with. Namely, a feeling of depression , followed with with blisters in the genitals they take 2 to 3 weeks to disappear. At that point, I believe there is little chance of transmission of the virus, at least in males, in females, I don't know.

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