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Question for H- partners of discordant relationships

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My question is simply: What made you stay? What about that person or circumstances? ? What was it that made you see past the herpes (stigma)?? I currently have herpes and found while in a relationship with someone, he turned out to be negative and our relationship was AMAZING we were on the fence for awhile on whether or not we would break up. He inevitably decided it was a deal breaker, but prior to this we were talking babies & marriage someday. He has constantly told me I'm the best relationship he has ever had hands down. Which speaks a lot for me because he is 13yrs my senior & has had more relationships than I. I'm starting to accept it even though I know he feels what I feel that we are undeniable almost made for each other. I dont think he realizes how much it hurts to be told you are perfect & would be THE ONE but herpes blocked it. The last text he sent (I have not responded purposely to anything) he said I set the bar high for other women, I took a piece of his heart, he feels empty inside what hurts the most is the memories we won't have. He misses me in his arms, I am the best woman he's ever known. He's told me no man will ever think you are more beautiful than I do, how I am worth soo much & never settle for less I am amazing, if he had to line up every girl he's ever dated he would automatically choose me 1st & last. All these things, mind you when we broke up we still did everything we alwats did except have sex but it always led straight to that point. He was getting off on BJ's (which he loved because it was hard for him to cum w/ all women including me, but once I knew what worked for him I always pleased him. I let it go finally after a month, he still hasn't told his mother we broke up after a month, who he is extremely close too. (Any thought as to why?) After no responses from me he sent me a picture of himself. Again, I dont know why... He is a white male and Im a black female, now odds are very likely he will come across another girl in my age bracket (he wants to have kids so he doenst wanna date to high, he's a year shy of 40) who will also have herpes & he knows this. For him he is the least likely to have it, all thoughts are welcome...

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Gosh....I don't know what to say other than this is so darned upsetting! My husband of 21 yrs (who is H negative to this day) just flipped over me and didn't care what I had. I educated him and that's all she wrote. He was and is so crazy about me. I'm very lucky!!! He chose to always use condoms and I respect his choice. After all.....it's his choice and it has worked. We have unprotected oral sex more often than anything else. Who would turn that down!!! I have hv2 so it's almost impossible to transmit orally. So far, a great life and relationship. I don't understand what happened.....why would he let you go???

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I'm not sure why he would either, honestly I question whether there could've been something else that maybe he didn't talk about but his body language, his worss everything was 100%... He was more affectionate than I was, he actually brought these different forms of love out of me. Two of my friends said to me that they saw him as a stepping stone to help me be a better woman for the right guy. One thing he really loved about me that he said was we had a simple love, he didn't have to go clubbing all the time etc. He said that if he had the oppurtunity to walk away before he got it amd didn't do so he knows he would be upset with himself. He's said he doesn't care about other people staying (because I've told him about stories like yours) he is trying to take care of his boy and giving it an STD is not doung that. Apparently he read somewhere that being an a monogamous relationship with someone who has if your guaranteed to get it, he doesn't even care if its type 1 or 2. What bothered me was the fact that he is willing to possibly miss out on love or limit hos love life because he will avoid all people with this. It upsets me because I'm better than your past relationships & he knew this after months yet he stayed off & on with a girl for 5 in a half years until she finally really left him. Its a lot to sacrafice in my eyes, over something not so deep. He is looking heavily at the (bad) facts but as I always told him "You are preparing to live your life, your whole life"... He is 38 been at the same job 18yrs, no kids, no marriages, owns his house, 2 cars, good credit score. The ONLY thing he is waiting on is the right woman (as he has been played before heavily or even settled with incompatible women) yet she walks in and you walk away. He taught me A LOT quickly & I'm glad for that, but its unfortunate that another man will reap from what he helped blossom.

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Hi, @Rayofsunshine. It's posts like these that make me wish I could offer hugs in person! I can hear how upset, sad, and utterly frustrated you are that herpes is a deal-breaker for him.


Reading your post, I was having flashbacks to the first counseling session I had post-divorce. I really connected with the marriage counselor my ex and I used, so I continued to see her individually. She said, "K, he was really very critical of you." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I never would have described him like that. I would have said he had a bad temper and definite anger issues. But when he was happy....man oh man, he thought I was the most wonderful woman the world has ever known and he was the luckiest guy to be my husband.


The point of this is that we all have different lenses through which we see the world, and these lenses are created by all of the experiences and beliefs we've ever had. Unfortunately, we can't change how other people see the world, or how they see us. We'll never really know 100% why someone acts as they do or says what they say. Heck, most of us aren't really conscious of why we do and say things, so we couldn't explain them to others even if they asked.


You can give this man access to quality information about herpes and that's the extent of your control over the situation. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish for you a future relationship where YOU are more important to him than herpes. You deserve nothing less. {hugs}

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Question: @HikingGirl & @Katidid so a bit of advice... Long story short I saw him which I knew I would so I looked extra cute purposely. We had minimal conversation, when he initially saw mw (it was so cute) he became flusteted instantly & sad... He doesn't show emotion but in those split seconds I saw it, he doesn't like to feel vulnerable at all. But while we were dating he said I could have something & I still want it so I approached him in asked for it. Being straight forward as to not make him feel I had any reserves for him, he then said (all this in a joking way & during the course of our conversation) "so you leave me & now you want something from me" & "so I guess I got the power then, hmmmm", "Idk if you can have them I may need some favors"... All this was completely joking, yet he still hasn't giving me an answer on a definite. But it interested me that he thought as though I left him when all I did was clarify our break up & take space after a comment I didn't like. He mentioned how he was going to keep his head low that day because he didn't want to bump into me. I said why, you can still speak he said he didn't know what "space" exactly peetained too. The Superbowl came up & I mentioned how I was going out that night, & he also said he was attending a Supeebowl party but only after my plans. Initially it was just he'd be watching as well. I called him that night, he didn't pick up but text a half hour later saying he wasn't near his phone but in the livingroom, he hopes everything is okay. Usually he listens to "heavy" music in the livingroom which is understandable why he didn't hear his phone. But I called again because althougj completely outta character if he dis I wanted to make sure no one was there but he pretty much never picks up after 10pm... It was after midnight but he picked up clearly sleep, I ended the call. This morning he text apologized for being tired. (I didnt respond) he text again 15min later asking if I need to talk about something. I responded later saying "No apology necessary I know he had to work, everything is fine. Thanks for asking" he text back "Did you just want to talk?" I had no response (partially because I was caught) but 10min later he text again "I miss you" w/ a sad face. I have yet to respond. I love him but we broke up soooo....

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There's a saying that I love which I think fits here: "Trying to understand other people is like trying to smell the number nine." It's not possible and we'll just drive ourselves crazy by trying.


You mentioned earlier that you two were on the fence for awhile after your diagnosis, and that he eventually said it was a deal breaker. I hear that he has been saying how wonderful you are, both before and after the break up. But he still decided to end the relationship. Like you, I would also be wondering, WTH??? It seems like such a contradiction, and it FEELS like a contradiction, but he still ended the relationship. Anyone in your place would be feeling really hurt for being dismissed because of a virus. It's HIS loss.


If you were my sister, I'd say cut all contact with him and focus your time and energies elsewhere--either to yourself, or a new partner who will accept you, imperfections and all.






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Yes!! Thank you we talked this over once again but he is still 100% in his answer to leave. He doesn't want a virus, he mentioned something about he feels superstitious that all the sex we had and he didn't get it, although he knows he doesn't have it he will test again. He feels lile a family member from beyond the grave or something protected him, WHATEVER! Like WTF!! But we said we can be cool & friends but I have taken this whole time and my emotions are no longer the same for him I'm gonna keep pulling away oh well if he feels a certain way. Truly, I no longer care he said he told his mom & she cried but also said he made the right decision, she wouldn't know what she'd do if something happened to him. I said well no disrespect but you know its not a death sentence, he said well yeah but I'm an only child so if someghing happened to me she would take it different than like your mom who has more than just you... ASSHOLE!! I completely wrote his dumbass off at this point. Its crazy how a real situation will reveal a person's true nature. Then said something about how someone who doesn't care about themselves will accept me but he loves me so if has nothing to do with love. Again, ASSHOLE!! I said everyone cares about themselves, he said are you kidding me do you see all the fat people walking around half of America don't care bout themselves... I know its not good to say, so I say I "wonder" if something will happen in his life to knock him down a few pegs, but I don't wish it.... I have 4 sisters @HikingGirl & yes they would & already have agreed with you....

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Wow. Just....wow.


I'm having another flashback to my post-divorce therapy days, when I asked my therapist how to avoid getting involved with men like my ex in the future. She said, "Notice how they react when they find out you're not perfect." Amen to that!


{{{hugs and wine and chocolate!}}}




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You know what is very interesting when you initially mentioned your ex husband you reminded me of him. He also is a great man but he has anger issues and they are a light switch, he wants him his woman no tattoos, piercings, etc. Once we had a conversation that turned into a very nasty argument over me wanting to possibly get removable grills in my mouth. I mean he flipped, so you had my attention off that alone. @HikingGirl

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&& yes I feel like I learned soo much from him & yet I came out on top, you know he actually said for no he was the lucky one in all this because he didnt get it. How insensitive! Little does he know, you never know life I could meet the right man and he still be single looking for Ms. Perfect... Whose really lucky anyway he's 13yrs my senior, getting hit on by married women. I think I'll take my chances at real love...

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@Rayofsunshine....you are the lucky one....his true colors are shining through so brightly. Let him move on. It's his loss and you are so worthy of someone who will accept all of you!!! He didn't get H from you because statistically it's much more difficult to pass female to male. He just isn't educated enough on the subject and doesn't sound like he cares to be. Rock on with your awesome self sister!!!

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I personally think he is being selfish, doesn't really know what love is, and is uneducated about hsv.

You have more courage than I, by opening up to him about your status....this does not prevent you from having babies, nor living a sexual fulfilling loving life...I've had 3 healthy babies vaginally....

It sounds like you really love him, and he sounds like he's only feeding you words.


I'm sorry, time is supposed to heal, you sound strong, confident, and loving.


Good luck

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Thanks @Bambina3 I'm definitely keep pressing forward and at some point I understand the right person will come around. I do feel as though he isn't ready to let go which is why he wants me to stay around but I need to choose not to for my own feelings sake. He isn't on the fence anymore he is clear about his feelings on it, although he chooses to only look at it as negatively as possible. It's funny because although he surpasses me in age I had the same thought that he may not know real love. But he feels asking someone to stay or love you through is being selfish so I let go. I'm still extremely positive and I honestly do feel like others will be more open than he. I know, this was my hardest and first disclosure so knowing it will get easier helps tons.

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