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Another dreadful admission

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So I have had H for almost 10 years. When I first found out, I was about 26 and had contracted from a boyfriend who either didn't know, or didn't tell me. I stayed with him out of fear that No one else would want me, but after a year I broke it off for other reasons.I suffered severe anxiety for that first year, assuming my love life was over. I met someone I really liked and was dreading the conversation, but I couldn't accept not giving him the opportunity to decide for himself. To my surprise, he said "that doesn't change anything" and we barely talked about it. I was even more surprised when he actually meant it as we dated for several months and had a great sex life. That relationship ended for different reasons but I will never forget how kind and sensitive his reaction was. Shortly after I met another great guy who loved me for me and we spent 3 years together. Long story short, he didn't want to be married and I did so we parted ways. As scared as I was to have to have the "conversation" again, I was very hopeful because of the luck I had with the 2 previous men. These men by the way never contracted it from me. I took 500mg valtrex daily for one year along with Lysine and Zinc, and tried to live a heathy immune boosting life (stress is a killer). I would also wear condoms if they prefer, and never have sex if I feel any sign of a symptom. So after the past several years of dating, my luck with the topic has been about 50/50. There was really only one guy who was rude and never contacted me. Others either needed time, or gently ended the relationship. Some came back after a period of time. I have never let someone back in though, because although I don't blame them, I can't forget the shame I feel after being abandoned.

I can honestly say that the condition itself doesn't bother me at all. It's been under control for years. The only bad part is having this conversation and waiting patiently.

Although I have the H, I will never settle for someone that I'm not crazy about! It's been a long road and I'm still searching, some days I feel hopeless and lonely, but with support of family and friends I feel that I deserve to find love with the right guy!

I met someone a couple weeks ago who I am very interested in. Our chemistry is on fire! We get along so well and have so much fun. The feelings seem mutual and I've been so excited. As always, in the back of my mind I can't get too excited. It's like a dark cloud looming. Dating is difficult enough without having a 'deadlbreaker' situation. So anyways, I just told him last night. We had started getting very physical the past 2 dates and I felt ready to tell him. I took a chance, because I feel like we have a mutual connection. I always try to go into it with confidence and be very clear and open, without giving TMI all at once. I completely lost confidence, I fumbled, and I barely made eye contact! His reaction: blank stare. He looked embarrassed and shocked while also trying so hard to be cool. I felt worse for him than for me! I tried to lighten the mood a little, we watched some tv, etc- I made some lame jokes. Suddenly he started to kiss me and it got hot & heavy! I was pleasantly surprised. We didn't go "all the way" which is smart. So now I am experiencing the familiar waiting game. I don't want to reach out first because if I were him, I would want space. I also don't want him to think I'm mortified and scared to reach out. What's worse than having H is having H and no confidence! We shall see.

Good luck to all you men & ladies who are going through similar experiences! Just remember it's not your fault, and it's soooo common!!!


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  • 3 weeks later...

@yourstrulyb same. I was dumped because he's scared that If he got it and we broke up he'd have to deal with the stigma while dating. So instead of breaking down that stigma he's chosen to reinforce it. Trying to stay positive and remember it signals it wouldn't have worked out anyways but it makes me really not want to go back out there. Especially since he was seemingly such a wonderful person. It makes me wonder if it'll ever happen. Thanks for posting, y'all <3

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