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I told him I have herpes and I feel..confused.


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I finally disclosed to this guy I was seeing. I thought it would get this huge weight off my shoulders and we'd be closer and live happily ever after, but of course it's life and it didn't happen that way.

 

I told him and he acted very strange....very quiet at first then he decided it was OK and wasn't that big of a deal and then he was kind of a jerk about it. He says to me that his ex had something like this, but not "as extreme" and i asked what it was and he says HPV. I laughed and told him me having herpes is not extreme at all, especially since I've only had 1 outbreak in my 7 months of having it. But he also says he's happy I told him now and not months later and I told him I felt guilty for not even telling him right away. He said he accepted it and it was OK he liked me a lot and that wouldn't stop him from liking me. SO you think I would be comforted and ecstatic, but i feel so empty and scared STILL. Like he's going to be OK with it for now, but it'll bother him in the future or he's just going to be mean about it. I guess it's just from some of the comments he made throughout the night or maybe it's just me. I was thinking after I went home, that I still haven't really accepted having herpes yet...I've been OK with it the last few months because I haven't been with anyone, but the second I start having some sort of relationship with a person I am back to square one. I just feel self conscious again and like no one will ever love or accept me and I just feel alone a lot of the time. Mostly because in person, I'm the only person I know of with H. I know I should accept it and feel good because he still wants to continue, but I just don't feel OK with it for some reason. I think I also hate it because I really wanted this disclosure to be a good positive one, but of course I can never tell someone without crying...or making a big deal out of it. When it's really not a big deal at all for me, it is just scary telling people and them judging you!!! And I just fear this is how all my disclosures will be...hopefully the more I do it, the less scary it is...Idk AHHHH i wish I had made some sort of progress with all of this. I'm going to give it time and see how he continues to act and then make a decision I guess.

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Totally normal reaction kitcattat. Now, if he's saying mean and judgmental things to you, you need to be mindful of that. Just because you have herpes, does not make you any less loveable or worthy. It's a skin condition. Would you feel the same way if you have cold sores on your lip? Would you make it about being "less than" and worried that you are not acceptable? No. This is no different. It's a matter of location and nothing more. This is a test of HIS character. First of all, he has no right to judge you, if he is. Secondly, he has no idea unless he's been tested if he has herpes. Third, you are doing him a huge favor and showing your integrity by disclosing to him and being your true and authentic self, tears and all. I totally get your fears. I am pretty sure we have all been there and go back there from time to time. Know that you are a beautiful, caring, open, honest and wonderful person and if he is a smart man, he will realize what a gem he has in you. Put your head up my dear and know that you are worthy of all of life's blessings, and as time goes on and you learn to accept you - ALL of you (and this comes with age) this will all get easier. Herpes is like anything elese we are insecure about. Herpes is a great teacher in how to love ourselves and all the parts that we deem "unloveable". Once we are embrace our humanity and love all those parts of ourselves that we judge as "unloveable" or "unacceptable", we will see that others will also accept us and love us - all of us. And if they don't, it doesn't affect our love for ourselves. We also create a space for others to love and accept themselves, which is a huge gift.

 

Hang in there. This gets easier. I promise. And we are all here to love and help you along your journey. I am so glad you are here and able to share with us. Sharing your story helps all of us heal, so thank you.

 

Much love and Big Bear Hugs,

Brenda xo

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kitcattat I understand how you feel, the same thing happen to me about a moth ago and I felt better for telling him but at the end we just stayed friends. I'm terrified to have to go through all this again but like everyone says hopefully this will get easier.

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kitcattat you are not alone on those feelings. I totally relate. I have only disclosed to my mom and friends and 1 guy-my cousin. All of them have accepted me and love me and didn't even blink an eye when i told them. I realize the acceptance of H goes deeper it goes to me accepting me completely. I see I never accepted me fully. H is kind of forcing me to accept all of me good and bad. If everyone else can embrace me why can't I. I know I'm not ready for that next relationship yet. I want to be fully confidant in me and this small skin condition. I like you have not had too many OB's. It really isn't that bad for me. I know I would feel the same way you do if I did disclose to a love interest. Adrial says the more confidant you are in you and what H means to you the way you handle your disclosure can be amazing. Like if you are very matter of fact and confidant then that person will most likely embrace it and not be scared.I feel that if someone writes you off it is because of ignorance and fear of the unknown. Don't be so hard on yourself. If that someone decides to walk away from you then they clearly weren't for you. Give yourself time. It will happen!! And you don't have to apologize, we're all here to listen!! I hope you feel better getting this off your chest!! You are brave and amazing!! : )

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Thanks all for the encouraging words! They really do mean a lot! To clear up, he wasn't saying anything really judgemental at all..in fact everything he said was the "right" thing to say. That he didn't care and he accepted, but just the tone of the conversation and the vibe of the night i was left feeling empty and confused. I have disclosed to one other guy and he was ok with it...or me at first, then couldn't deal with it even though he had hsv 1 too....his were on his lips though. So Im assuming this is where my fears from him being ok at first, then bailing later come from.

Whoopsidaysi, you're totally right. I tend to look on the bad side of things (as most do Im sure) and not really remember the positives. I need to remember that this is about him and what HE can deal with and its not me, its the herpes. Its just hard because you feel like it's you...and i feel like sometimes certain people reject you and make it more personal rather than i just dont like that you have herpes. I think ultimately that's what my realization is, that I will never be ok with anyone in a relationship if i'm not ok with my situation first. It's just going to be a long journey of self acceptance and I hope I progress and not just get scared and quit trying.

 

domh, I agree, it is very hard to be confident in something when you havent fully accepted it. I just thought I had accepted it because I was dealing with it for a good 4 months and going on like it never happened. But when it came to disclosing again thats when everything came undone that I had built up previously. Which I guess is good because it'll make me stronger. Hopefully itll make my disclosures easier too. I feel like the day before telling someone, IM sooo confident and have it laid out in a matter-of-fact type speech, but i get so overwhelmed about bringing it up or if Im going to follow through that by the time I get to the talk Im like crying and making a huge deal out of it. Its just so hard, I just hope one day i can make a confident, strong disclosure. Thanks for everything :)

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Kitcattat, this gift is a process. It's like anything we have an insecurity about. For me, herpes is just one thing to add to my list of stuff I need to accept and not be self conscious about - they join the list of being too tall, too heavy, not pretty enough, not capable, etc. So, yeah, it's going to be a trigger when I'm feeling insecure. On my stronger days it's just like, "meh" whatever. Herpes. It's a skin condition and just part of who I am. Don't beat yourself up. Just take it one day at a time and know how amazing you really are. There are a ton of people who would let this destroy them or who are not being authentic and honest and are not telling their partners. This is not life threatening. It's just a virus. Of all the things we COULD have, I would take herpes any day over diabetes or eczema or allergies. Thanks for being authentic and allowing us to see your humanity and, in turn, our own. :) xo

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Gosh I love you, Whoopsidaysi. I can't wait to see you again at the next H Opp weekend in July.

 

And yes, acceptance is a two-way street in relationship. Herpes is just one of those things that we navigate TOGETHER with all the other things we accept between each other. Let's not glorify herpes as the only thing that either gets to be accepted or rejected. It's ONE (small) thing in the scheme of all the great and not-so-great things that we have to offer in relationship. And as Whoopsi said, we get to accept all of those things in ourselves (yes, even the "unacceptable" things). It's a practice. It truly is. And we will never reach the point in our lives where we won't have anything that might hurt us, or where we won't be afraid of anything ever again. The more we can appreciate what is and stop judging ourselves, the more wholeness we develop. And Whoopsi brings up another great point, too ... Whenever we are triggered by something, that means there's something deeper within ourselves that we are trying to protect. Some place that we aren't quite right with (yet). So a trigger is much like feeling pain in our body: The source of the pain signals that that part of our body needs tending to, it needs to heal. It's the same with a trigger. If we feel triggered by someone rejecting our herpes, then the trigger is actually pointing to that belief in ourselves that we aren't enough. When we love ourselves and accept ourselves more, the rejections mean less about us. They just are what they are. Have you heard this audio yet? Give it a listen! It's all about how to never feel rejected again:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

... and here's a great blog article written by our fellow community member Breatheandletgo:

http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections

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