Infected someone with herpes and feeling devastated

[LostGirl29]

I've had hsv2 for almost 20 years. I take daily antivirals and I only get outbreaks about once a year. I've only passed it on to one person and that was when I first got it and didn't know what I had. Until now. I've been dating a guy for 3 months although we've been friends for several years. I disclosed my condition and assured him it would be ok. I told him the statistics and my history. Yesterday morning he messaged me and said he has a sore. He wouldn't respond to my texts yesterday but tonight he did and just said he needs time to process and will let me know when he's ready to talk to me. I am devastated. Not just at the prospect of losing him but I never thought I would infect someone. And someone I care so deeply for. I feel like I've ruined his life. I know what it's like to live with this and to have to tell every potential partner about it. And I know it is easier for women to get it from men so he's going to have more rejection than I've had to deal with. I feel like I should just give up on dating and finding love because the pain of knowing I gave this virus to someone else is just unbearable. How do you cope knowing you've infected someone? How do you still feel worthy of love?

[Katidid]

Take a deep breath here! First off, was he tested and negative before you? It's possible he already had this and it may just be jock itch or something else. First and foremost, you were honest right up front which gave him the choice to make a decision as to whether he wanted to continue the relationship given the risk. Can I ask if you are on anti viral daily and if you used condoms? This is just a curiosity some might have in their quest for future relationships. He will probably be just fine in a day or two. You did everything right!!!!

[LostGirl29]

He's been tested and was negative before me. I take daily anti virals. We did not use condoms. A few weeks after we started seeing each other, I decided to go on the pill. Unfortunately this caused an outbreak. I guess because of the hormone change. We waited a week after the sore went away before we had sex. And that time we used a condom but it broke. That was 3.5 weeks ago. I guess we should've waited longer. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

[VP]

Don't feel bad. You did the right thing by disclosing and he made the conscious decision to take on the risks. Good for you for being upfront.

[Katidid]

@LostGirl29 don't despair, seroisly!!! I do understand how you feel, but ....when I told my (now husband) 20 plus years ago, I never, NEVER gave it another thought! I did my part and he chose to continue with me and to this day he is negative. If he told me tomorrow he thinks he got H from me...I would be sympathetic, of course, but he knows from knowing me that it has not stopped me from doing one darn thing and life goes on. I'm sure your guy will come around and be Just fine!!!

[LostGirl29]

We still message periodically but he won't see me and he won't discuss his outbreak or what's going on. He just keeps saying that he's "dealing with some stuff" or "in a rough place". I feel like I've ruined his life. And I miss him. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but knowing I gave this to someone makes me never want to take that chance again. I sincerely hope he just needs more time and will give us another chance but I wish he would let me help him through this. Hell, I've had it for 20 years and still haven't come to terms with it.

[Katidid]

Is it possible he has nothing and is using this as a way out of the relationship?? I'm just grasping at straws here. I'm hoping that's the case to set your mind at ease. You may never really know, but it seems if he was truly crazy about you, he'd have handled this much differently. Maybe he couldn't handle telling you he wanted out after you disclosed, so he fabricated a story. Anything is possible. Just looks like he'd have been much more diplomatic about the whole thing since you were upfront with it from the start.

[LostGirl29]

I hadn't thought about it that way. :( But yes, that is certainly plausible. Why do people have to play games? Why couldn't he just tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore? Sigh. Thanks for the reply and for the different perspective. I still miss him though. Always the hopeless romantic.

[Bambina3]

Certainly could be game playing, using h as an excuse to leave...I'd move on

[LostGirl29]

An update. I saw him the other night. He is kind of freaked out about the potential of getting hsv2 now that he's had a scare. Apparently he got a cold sore on his lip, but here's the kicker... "it wasn't like the cold sores I have gotten in the past. It was in a different spot and hurt a lot worse." Wait, what? I said "oh, so you have hsv?" He said no, he just gets a cold sore on his lip once or twice a year. o.O Ummm, that's hsv. So I guess that means that even though he said he's been tested that either he hasn't or he misunderstood his results? Idk. So it's got me thinking though. Can someone have oral hsv1 AND oral hsv2? Not to mention that I thought it was nearly impossible to get oral hsv2.