2 year update - successful dating/casual sex with herpes in NYC

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

hi all,

 

I wanted to come by and give an update to any newbies that are looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

It's been almost 2 years since I contracted hsv-2 from an unprotected encounter with a good friend (yay surprise!). He was the 4th person I'd ever slept with, and I had only just gotten out of my 4 year long relationship 2 months earlier. It wasn't fair, and it was awful.

 

From a health perspective, I had a terrible primary that lasted about a month, rolling into small outbreaks every few weeks for about 6 months. At the 6 month mark, and since, I've averaged an outbreak about every 3 months - usually when I get lazy with my suppressive or had rough sex/am stressed.

 

So, the health stuff gets better. Suppressive meds are a lifesaver.

 

From a dating perspective - and this is why I wanted to give an update. I dated someone for a year and a half while having the herps. I had started talking to him just before I contracted, and went on our first date the day I started to feel something was wrong. He was a sweet, kind man who didn't think twice about the herpes, and was supportive and understanding as I struggled with my diagnosis and health that next year. I was very lucky to have him by my side - not lucky in the sense that he "accepted" my status, but because he was exactly what I needed to get through health challenges that might have had to do with herpes and others that had no connection.

 

We broke up at the beginning of this year, for reasons not related to herpes at all.

 

So, the casual sex update. I'm still not dating - I don't know what I'm looking for and I need to give myself some time. So, this is me disclosing to men that I'm attracted to but not necessarily interested in something more long term.

 

I've disclosed to several men so far, and only one took a few minutes to decide. None declined the offer for sex, and most had no questions. The one question I've gotten so far is whether oral (from him) is on the table - and I assured him it was. One mentioned that he was surprised that I told him, another said that it made him feel like he could trust me and knew that it took balls to disclose. All were fine with condoms and even the next morning (when the booze wore off) they were wanting to go again. Is that Tmi? I'm sorry just trying to give you a sense of success here!

 

I look back at myself two years ago, crying to my friends that I would die alone with 100 cats, that I was robbed of any future of casual sex, and that guys would run for the hills.

 

Now, I know that it's just not a big fucking deal. I know that it's hard to see when you're just coming to terms with it, but it's true. I've had a successful relationship, and casual sex, and life is pretty fucking normal.

 

My rule is that I always disclose, preferably in the bar itself while the arrangements are being discussed. I disclosed once in a cab and I felt really claustrophobic, don't do that haha. I've had small bouts of paranoia after the fact, especially one time when I had an outbreak the day after. But if I disclose, and I didn't have any symptoms before, then there's no need for guilt or paranoia.

 

Always disclose, a night of fun isn't worth the guilt or awkward conversation later. And if I'm any indication, then the disclosure has a good chance at success.

 

Hang in there. You'll be fine. It sucks, it will suck more times than others, but life goes on. Theres too much life to live, don't spend it scared of what might happen.

[HikingGirl]

Thank you, @NothingGoodGetsAway, for taking the time to come back and share your success stories! Every time I read one of these, I can feel my confidence going up and my anxiety about dating go down. :-)

[desertlove]

Thank you for sharing!:) When it comes to casual sex, when do you disclose?

[kaytea3]

@NothingGoodGetsAway its great to hear success stories like this! and definitely not TMI, that's awesome! I wouldn't want a diagnosis like this to interrupt a good or improving sex life. Im wondering if you or anyone could answer some of my questions about sex.

 

how did you know it was okay to start having sex again after your first outbreak was done?

 

I'm newly diagnosed and just came out of my second outbreak which there are almost no visible/physical signs left at this point. Is it good to wait a week or couple days? Does it matter?

How is rough sex a trigger for some? the friction aspect of it? I just want to be able to continue a healthy growing sexual life haha

[Katidid]

Yes rough sex ie friction, can bring on an outbreak. Use lube always!!!

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

@kaytea3 yup I just experienced a bad OB from rough sex - stupidly I was drunk and even when it started to hurt a bit I kept going. Condoms make it so hard YES lube. Think I can carry it in my purse ;-p

@desertlove - most all have been in a bar situation. So once I kind of know it's coming (or hell, he says something), I'll drop it. I don't have an interest in taking a cab and either of us feeling pressure once we're back at an apartment. Frankly, I don't want them to feel like I tricked them. Plus, I want to make sure they're fully informed, and not so horned up in like a bed that they can only make one decision. I'd want to know before being at someone's apartment, to have the option to slink back into the night (which, again, no one has done!).

One time the opportunity was perfect - he said it's not like I have an STD or something! - and I was like "funny enough"...

I have noticed that a few of the guys were surprised that I brought it up, because they weren't assuming that sex was definitely happening. i think telling them makes sex seem imminent rather than a maybe, so I might work on my phrasing a bit in case I want the *option* for sex but not the guarantee...I've been happy with the outcome to date and don't think I'd bring a one night stand home unless I disclosed before.

[kaytea3]

@Katidid and @NothingGoodGetsAway thank you for the feedback! Any particular lube do you find works best? I tried some KY but it seemed to have to frequently apply it?

[Katidid]

You are welcome!!! I use KY most often, but have also used flavored lubes which are safe to use with condoms ie won't contribute to condom tear.

[drsuz1]

@Katidid you mention that oral is okay for the guy to perform on you even though he could easily contract it right? I am newly diagnosed & told by the dr that I've probably had it for sometime & it's been asymptomatic. I have both types of herpes-1 & 2. Thanks in advance for any feedback/comments. Feeling devastated at the moment.

[drsuz1]

@NothingGoodGetsAway I meant to address the question to, sorry about the confusion. D

[optimist]

@drsuz1 It is my understanding that risk of transmission via oral sex is mostly an HSV1 concern, yet most people with HSV1 continue performing oral sex without worrying much about passing herpes along. It is responsible to inform a partner of positive oral HSV1 status before performing oral sex on them, but I personally have never had a partner disclose this to me, with the exception of those reacting to my own HSV2 disclosure. I am not aware of a societal expectation of disclosure in such cases, except when there is an active outbreak. Different individuals have different expectations around this.

 

As for HSV2, it is possible for a partner to acquire it through performing oral sex on a HSV2+ person, but it is uncommon. My understanding is that specific studies have not been done to pinpoint transmission risk but years of observation suggest it carries less risk than intercourse. Given how many people have genital HSV2, if it was easily transmittable to the mouth, there would be many, many more cases of oral herpes caused by HSV2. People who do contract HSV2 orally tend not to have recurrences and shed the virus considerably less frequently than those with oral HSV1. They are then also largely protected from acquiring HSV2 genitally. That's my understanding through reading lots of info published by Terri Warren.

 

Here's a great and thorough reference guide by Terri Warren: https://www.westoverheights.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Updated-Herpes-Book.pdf

[drsuz1]

@optimist thanks for the link to the reference guide. There is so much information out that it tends to be confusing- bad enough to try to accept & understand what new changes this dreadful virus will bring to my life situation