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Not quite over the shock

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How do you start this? Hi I'm 32, going through a divorce from a 13 year marriage and have 2 boys ages 8 & 10. I was faithful as was he for all those years until after I requested my divorce about 6 months ago. I slept with someone I trusted completely. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that a relationship with said person was going to work but a good friendship was there. I was more worried about getting pregnant at my age than an STD was the last thing on my mind and again I had full trust in him. About ten days ago we had a night in and a couple days later I noticed three hard bumps beside my anus along with some vaginal discharge. Now I get sore in my hips normally after sex but my entire body hurt. Every joint, my legs and my back. It wasn't that crazy, it was pretty tame but I had baseball games and kids to take care of so I chalked it up to the night before and took some Advil. Then the bumps, I thought it was razor burn. A few days later there were several all over my anal area and taint. Well crap those are some big hemorrhoids! Then the blistering and pain started. That's when i started to freak out. I called my OBGYN thinking I had vaginosis and some rash so she started me on an antibiotic I'd had before. Saturday night I looked and I knew something else was wrong. I immediately texted my bff from childhood that contracted herpes when we were teenagers. Shes lived with it for 15 years and talked me through what to look for. I got into my pcp on Monday and she did some swabs and took blood to check for everything. I just wanted a point blank yes or no. She said it looks similar but can't confirm until the tests are in. She started me on Valtrex twice a day for ten days. I'm still waiting on the official results and I am still holding out hope this is something else but in my heart I know. So now comes the anger, guilt, disgust and shame. Have I had this for over a decade from my whoring teen years?! Did HE give this to me without knowing he had it? Does he know he has it?! I haven't told him yet- we don't talk for days or weeks at a time and he was raised Mormon and home schooled so he is kind of ignorant to some things. I'm a 32 year old mother of two boys who is already dealing with the extreme stress of a divorce that I asked for after years of sexual abuse and unhappiness with my husband. After all that I get herpes from one person?! How do I tell him? I can't tell my ex husband- he will use anything against me. Do I tell my children someday?! I hurt inside and out, in my mind and in my heart but I have to get over it. Pull up my mom panties, cover my pain as I always have and put on that "I'm doing great" smile. I know this long but I don't really have anyone to talk to and googling is a BAD IDEA! So I found this group and I know from being in a sexual abuse victim group that these help a lot. Any advice on how to manage the discomfort will help. And good vibes, love and light sent my way would be appreciated.

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Do not tell your ex-husband. There is nothing good that can come from that. I also got herpes after I divorced my husband..the very 1st person I was with at 36! What a joke. I get it. Do not worry, it gets better...its just that dating will be a little different. You will need to disclose that you have it. You might not be up for this because I was not at the time, but I wish more people would file a cause of action against those that have egregiously found no problems with having sex with others when they know or might have known they had an STD. I did not do at the time, so I am not saying you should but I am 53, still not remarried and never had kids and I think it is because of the stigma from this idiotic virus. Seriously, each state is different and there is a possibility you could have a lawsuit. I don't think Adrial and this website is here to promote this, but I am sick and tired of people getting away with giving it to others with no accountability.

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Welcome, @Mom2boys. You've got some serious stress in your life right now! {{hugs}} My divorce two years ago was amicable and it was still enough stress to nearly send me over the edge some days.


I don't see any reason to tell your children. It doesn't affect them and it's not like they can be a support to you anyway.


I also would not tell your ex if you think he'll use it against you. Especially since you don't know who you got it from. I told my ex (by email--and he eventually tested negative!) but we had already finalized the divorce settlement and didn't have any kids together.


If you have a positive swab test and a negative blood test, then it's probable you got it from your most recent partner. (It takes up to 16 weeks after infection to show up on a blood test.) If you've had sex with your ex within the past 16 weeks, then you may never know who you got it from. I have no idea who my giver was.


Most people who have herpes don't know they have it--about 80% of those infected don't know! Either their symptoms are extremely mild and they're attributed to something else (I attributed my mild symptoms to yeast infections), or they have no symptoms at all. So it's entirely possible that whoever you got it from doesn't realize they have it themselves. Especially since it's rarely included in an STD panel.


The initial shock is a pretty hefty thing to digest. I hope you are able to find some space to grieve. It's so hard to keep the feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger, etc. stuffed in us. The search bar at the top of your page may help you to find new ideas for relief of your physical symptoms. When you get your results back, you'll find a way to talk to your current partner about it. It's a conversation all of us wish we didn't have to have. If you found the strength to leave an abusive relationship, then we already know you have an amazing well of strength inside of you to deal with herpes!

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@HikingGirl I haven't had sex with my ex husband since early December before I asked for the divorce so immpoaitive it's from my current partner. Luckily he was really understanding and calm when I told him. He doesn't have any current sores so he will be going to get a blood test next week. I'm learning a lot through this site and I've accepted it for what it is. Thank you for all your advice! Now it's learning to deal with the aches and pains that come along with it.

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