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I am an asshole

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I have had herpes for almost 15 years.. I got it when I was the young age of 16. I have always felt alone and have never really been able to talk to anyone about it.. I have had one night stands thriugh the years.. I have absolutely passed it to men without telling them.. I have made horrible, selfish decisions while intoxicated and somehow have seemed to justify it.. like, they didn't bother to even attempt to wear a condom or ask me if I had anything.. I have felt guilty and upset about it.. I ended my marriage recently and have a new boyfriend.. this boyfriend and I hooked up one night and continued to do so... a month or so later he asked me.. "where do you think the worst place to have an itch is?" I said my throat laughing it off like it was some weird random question.. I feel like he was trying to talk about maybe contracting herpes.. but he never said anything after.. I do believe he has it and had an outbreak.. he has been in jail going on 8 months and I just told him the other day I think I may have passed it to him.. I love him and thought of we are rrally going to do this I need to have a conversation about it.. something is clearly wrong with me.. how could I be so careless over the years and still make the same mistakes.. I don't want to spread it.. I dont.. but I have.. more than once.. I don't know how to comfort him. He is very upset.. I told him I was sorry and I made a bad decision.. he has thus forever now.. I know he will be okay and that the worst thing about this is the stigma from society .. I am an asshole..

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Well, not sure what to say here, but feel you deserve a response. So it looks like you are 31 so old enough to know better and you sound like you do know better. So, admitting your mistakes is part of getting on the other side of things.....so, maybe you are finally there. It's never too late! Just go forward doing the "right" thing!

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Thank you for responding. I think he knew he got it, he says he never had any symptoms but for some reason I don't believe him.. why would he lie? He said he still loves me but now our conversations are awkward and I don't know what to say.. I told him I don't even know what to say.. thanks for listening.

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Well you've admitted it, and you cant change the past. So you could go on being a self-confessed asshole, or start anew today. Nobody's perfect, I guess he has made a few mistakes to find himself in jail at the moment - you should see if it's possible to patch each other up whilst moving forwards. Helping others is a great way to find yourself, so Ghandi says.


Saying that, he's probably gonna be carrying some anger about it, especially since you're on the outside yet he's the one feeling like a victim. You've shown that you were afraid, and only felt secure enough to tell him after at least 8 months of building a relationship, when he's somewhere he will cool down. You need to understand each other to stand a chance, so start speaking openly.


Btw, how can you be sure you've passed it on many times from one-night stands? Its statistically quite difficult and you'd need to be in touch with them at least a few weeks afterwards.

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Also, he had mentioned he was going to go to medical at the jail (although all they will be able to do is give him info I imagine) could he really not have it I wonder? Maybe they can do a blood test? I says he has to have it even though there hasn't been symptoms..

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15 years makes it a lot less likely to be passed on. I'm not from the US, but hsv blood tests are so flawed that the UK health service doesn't provide them. I'd imagine medical departments in jail would have the same stance. If they do, remember that 70% of people have hsv1 orally, so it needs to be type specific. Also, you cant fully trust the result. Do you know your type?


As for things to say, I used up most of my gems in the last post. You really just have to speak from the heart, maybe start off like 'I know this news came out a lot later than it should, but I want to start building some trust with you. I was scared to tell anyone before, but I realise now that *insert feelings here*'


I'm pretty sure you'll have had that conversation already though..

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I found out I had herpes after my divorce. When my ex tested negative for both HSV1 and HSV2 (I have both), it meant I acquired it before we married. We had unprotected sex for 16 years with no antivirals and he still didn't get it from me. I had absolutely no idea I had herpes, as my symptoms have been very mild and I attributed them to yeast infections.


In other words, there's no guarantee that you're going to pass along herpes to all of your partners. Unless your current partner tests positive (it can take up to 16 weeks post infection to show up on a blood test), for all we know he has simple jock itch. And since herpes is quite common and 80% of those infected have no idea they have it, it's also possible your previous partners already had it before sharing a bed with you.


All any of us can do is learn from our mistakes. Give your current partner the space he needs to process this news and focus your energy on making the changes in your own life that you'd like to make.

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