New to this site but not new to having herpes

[Jess1981]

Hello all,

 

I am new here but I have actually had herpes since I was 23. I am 32 now, so 9 years. I was, like many, tricked into it. We were together for 3 months when I realized it and he was not shocked at all. A total sociopath in every way, his response was, oh babe, we can work through this. Naive at 23 and confused, I stayed.

 

The manipulation continued for years but I never really had to worry about it because I wasn't single and out there in the scary world of dating. We had a son together a little over 2 years ago and he left when he was 13 months old. He has moved on to his next victim.

 

Meanwhile, I am working on moving on and dating which has proven to be quite a feat.

 

I have had "the talk" with 3 people.

 

One I dated for a few months, he was in a constant state of paranoia and eventually it wore on not only him but me. The second guy looked at me like I was completely contagious and ran for the hills.

 

The third guy, and most recent, was 2 weeks ago. I had high hopes for him. We went on 4 dates. I knew 15 minutes into our first date that I was probably going to tell him so it loomed over my head for the next 3 dates and it was hard to enjoy the time. I felt like I was lying to him about it even though we were not there yet.

 

The 4th date was a movie. I knew I was going to tell him and I sat through the entire movie thinking about it while he held my hand the whole time. He walked me to my car and I asked him if we could talk. I told him that I really liked him and I knew we weren't quite there yet but I felt I should let him know anyway because at some point in the very near future we might be there and I didn't want to wait until we were in the heat of the moment.

 

He didn't look at me different but basically just asked questions... kissed me a few times and said, well, I am not running for the hills so that's a good sign right? I drove home in a total daze and he texted me "all i know is I still wanted you when you walked away, I still want to see you!" BUT of course, over the course of the following week, the texts slowed down and eventually stopped.

 

I am seriously starting to think there is no possibility that you can disclose this kind of information and have someone accept the "risk" even though in reality, knowing that your partner has it, the probability of contracting it is pretty small.

 

I live in a small town (30,000 people) and I went to high school here, I moved away for a long time but came back and everyone knows exactly what is going on in your life even if you have never met them. For that reason, it is VERY hard to get up the nerve to tell someone because if just one person decides to tell someone you are pretty much branded as the girl that has herpes. :( I think it would be a total shock to anyone that I know that I have it and it is a complete shock to everyone that I ever tell.

 

Every time I tell someone, I am silently hoping that they will say, oh, no biggie, I have it too... Statistically, you would think this would happen eventually right? I have been extremely depressed about this most recent rejection and I am not sure I have the courage to go through it again.

 

I also have to make up excuses for why the guy I was dating didn't work out every time it happens which is almost as bad as the "talk" gone wrong because I hate lying and making up excuses for why the guy that seemed to have so much interest in me basically fell off the planet.

 

I am determined to live an honest life and not do to anyone else what has been done to me. I just hope that one day, I can be happy again. I have been pretty much numb and miserable for the past year. I just want to be happy again. :(

 

Another thing that weighs on my conscience is the fact that I am acquainted with the person that my ex is dating, she is not a friend of mine but I know of her and I know that he has not told her of his "status" and I feel guilty that I haven't tried to tell her. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty because she hasn't been very nice to me but I just wish someone would have told me. UGH!

 

So many things, I can't get my mind to shut off most of the time and I feel like I have so many secrets from the people that are the closest to me, it makes me sad. :(

[mr_hopp]

Hi Jess,

 

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing yourself. I understand the numbness. It seems that it's protecting you from the pain. And there is a fascinating way that a rejection about herpes can be taken personally. Maybe it just means that the relationship isn't the one you need. Ever consider that? I have been living my life more and more from the belief that everything truly is what it is. That I don't need to force anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, it won't be. I will have my preferences and what I want and I will fight for what I want sometimes ... but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean I'm a failure. (Sometimes I'm better about remembering this than others.) ;)

 

I commend you on your courage to disclose those 3 times. It doesn't sound like it was easy, but it does show your integrity. Living an honest life is living a courageous life. I promise you that. And it's worth it. Trust me. It helps us to grow. It helps us to discover who we are and what we have to offer. If we know our value, then a rejection by another doesn't mean we don't have value; it simply means that either that person just doesn't have the eyes to see it or that person isn't right for us.

 

Have you read this blog posting yet? This simple phrase has helped me through a lot. It's a primer for acceptance. And it's simple. :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase

 

... and listen to this group discussion I had with a few other awesome folks about rejection:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

 

Also, consider coming to our weekend seminar happening in July in NC. It's a safe, supportive and fun space to transform your shame ... http://thehopp.com

[Jess1981]

Hey Adrial,

I have been meaning to respond to you. I think it is awesome that you respond to as many as the posts as you can! I am already feeling a little better about the most recent rejection. It takes me a little time to scrape myself off the floor (sometimes literally lol), re-evaluate my approach and carry on every time. I have found this site to be amazingly helpful in that process! I watched a few of the videos as well. Update on Mr. Recent Rejection - He ended up texting me a few more times, not sure if it was out of guilt or if it was because he, like I did, thought we had a great chemistry and was thinking of giving it a go. But now it's been 3 days with no communication. I think the hardest part for me is that I think I am awesome (lol) yet I feel like I can't even be myself after I tell someone and that is probably part of my problem with disclosing. I am usually so worried about what they are thinking and where their mind is going after I tell them that I can't enjoy the time spent with them. Maybe I am my own worst enemy!

Anywho, just wanted to thank you for being so supportive to everyone! I think this website is GREAT! I wish you were having a seminar on the west coast... preferably in Oregon! ;)

 

 

[mr_hopp]

Thanks for the acknowledgment, Jess. Warms my heart and feels good to hear. I do my best to make sure everyone on these forums know they are not alone. Because we aren't! :)

 

And about Mr. Rejection, I imagine this experience is showing you a deeper cut of accepting yourself (knowing even more deeply that you really ARE awesome). Check it out: If you truly accepted yourself on a deep level, then you would be yourself regardless of whatever others might think of you. Whatever people know about you or not doesn't have any impact on who you know yourself to be. If you disclose to someone, that shouldn't shift who you are and how you act. This shift in behavior seems to be a symptom of still on some level believing you're flawed because of a simple stigmatized skin condition. (Hint: You're not flawed. At all. Pinky promise.)

 

And about the seminar, people are flying from all over the country (a few from Canada) to come, so don't let distance be an excuse not to come. Look at whatever excuses you're cooking up about not coming. Are they worth you not getting the healing you're looking for? Sometimes we convince ourselves that our excuses are the things that are holding us back when really it's ourselves. ;)